Hearted
Active member
- Joined
- Mar 5, 2016
- Messages
- 29
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I met my first love around 18, he was 30 at the time and i was craving such male attention because i never had a real father figure growing up and my step father had an addiction that ultimately took him away. I came out a year before and my family accepted me for who i was, my biggest supporter is my mother and so going into this new relationship felt a little weird for me. And i wouldn't say i was the perfect boyfriend towards him as i was scared to commit to someone because running away is all i was use to doing, so through the relationship there would be bumps mostly caused by myself, and i would constantly run away from his love and push him away. Oddly enough i still wanted that attention and felt myself feeling more attracted at the fact he put in an effort to really want me. We had a major bump in the road as this was an online relationship. I would consistently show myself on camera to him to make sure he was comfortable at the fact that we were an item. He only showed me one face shot of himself which would mind bottle me because he would remove that from his skype instantly. This would be an ongoing saga for around two years until i had enough and got to the point of questioning if he was even a real person, yes his voice was real, his love felt real, but was i talking to the face of a stranger? Was he hiding something deeper? The saddest part was that if he admitted he was a fake person, I would of still wanted to be with that man because i fell in love with this (What i think, and still do think) a character.
I eventually settled for this man despite everyone warning me not to, constant begs from my mother to not go for a faceless man, and constant fear from my best friend who feared i'd end up dead. The fighting stopped, the relationship became peaceful, i was even willing to propose to this man if we passed five years. The downfall of the relationship was when my step father passed away and it mentally broke me, it shook me up alot dealing with the fact i was fatherless. Each time i'd have to force a smile just to speak to my boyfriend and tell him that i was "Okay." to the point where he would read through my lies and get the truth out of me. Everyday i was crying to this guy, which seemed to have been such a drain on him. Because months later he would remove me from everything, no goodbyes, no nothing. He left me even more broken then i was before. Still to this day i don't know what i did, why he left, or what triggered him to give up on three years so easily. People said it was a blessing because the relationship was like a double edged sword constantly stabbing one another. He wanting me to commit which i did, and me wanting him to show himself, which he didn't. Still to this day i feel like there was a motive towards it, I feel like he was ashamed of the fact he was dating such an unstable person to the point where he wanted me to become non existent in his life. He got his wish, and it's pushed me further away from the fact of believing that a man could ever love me. I do want to open myself up to love again, but i just do not know how to really stop replacing something i never had.
I eventually settled for this man despite everyone warning me not to, constant begs from my mother to not go for a faceless man, and constant fear from my best friend who feared i'd end up dead. The fighting stopped, the relationship became peaceful, i was even willing to propose to this man if we passed five years. The downfall of the relationship was when my step father passed away and it mentally broke me, it shook me up alot dealing with the fact i was fatherless. Each time i'd have to force a smile just to speak to my boyfriend and tell him that i was "Okay." to the point where he would read through my lies and get the truth out of me. Everyday i was crying to this guy, which seemed to have been such a drain on him. Because months later he would remove me from everything, no goodbyes, no nothing. He left me even more broken then i was before. Still to this day i don't know what i did, why he left, or what triggered him to give up on three years so easily. People said it was a blessing because the relationship was like a double edged sword constantly stabbing one another. He wanting me to commit which i did, and me wanting him to show himself, which he didn't. Still to this day i feel like there was a motive towards it, I feel like he was ashamed of the fact he was dating such an unstable person to the point where he wanted me to become non existent in his life. He got his wish, and it's pushed me further away from the fact of believing that a man could ever love me. I do want to open myself up to love again, but i just do not know how to really stop replacing something i never had.