Low Self-Esteem is Exhausting

[Superfly47]

When I worry what others think of me, my guard goes up, I divert energy to worrying what will they think about anything I say, what questions they might ask me and what possible responses I can give.

This wastes a lot of energy and focus, making my social ability goes down, it's not a fun frame of mind to be in and I suspect that others can feel I’m sorta distancing myself from them.

I’m going to try reminding myself that being guarded is exhausting and I feel much freer and more alive if I don’t. Hopefully adopting this mindset will help.

Do people have other mindsets you use to reduce the negative effects of self-esteem issues?

 

[ladyforsaken]

I know the feeling. I often think of such things even with interaction online sometimes. I do try to switch to another mindset of "I don't care what they think of me, if they don't like conversing with me then so be it, I'll meet other people who might find my interaction worthy". It's helped a bit.

 

[Tiina63]

ladyforsaken-does it really work for you, though,when you try to switch to a mindset of not caring what others think? I try to do it, but feel that I am fooling myself, as it does matter to me what others think of me.

 

[ladyforsaken]

ladyforsaken-does it really work for you, though,when you try to switch to a mindset of not caring what others think? I try to do it, but feel that I am fooling myself, as it does matter to me what others think of me.

Well it works if I really talk myself into believing it. If I'm just citing the words "I don't care what they think" without actually feeling it or believing it, then yeah I'd feel like I'm just fooling myself too. Both accounts have happened. Sometimes it's hard to convince yourself that it's not really important or worth it to worry about what others think of you. Another way I have also tried out and has worked, sometimes, is to put my mind to focus on something else that will make me forget thinking about what other people are thinking of me. This happens usually when I have to do public speaking or speak in front of an audience.. it's always so nerve-wrecking.. but I have to put my focus on something else bigger than people watching me and judging me. :s (Sometimes, it's really hard to do this and I just end up being a total nervous wreck in front of people. :\ )

 

[Darrell_Licht]

Worrying never helped anybody out. I try to keep my mindset as 'zen' as possible. Try not to get strong feelings in either direction.

You will always have people who accept you, and those who abhor you. Take stock with those who give you the best vibes.

It all sounds simplistic, I can't say this mindset solved all my problems as things still concern me. I suppose it's the thought/effort that counts.

 

[Peaches]

what worked for me was another thing:

I like to think of myself like a non particularly selfish person (which is probably not correct, but, anyway)
then I realized that being so centered about myself made me miss everything that was happening outside of my mind, and that I was truly interested in what others might be feeling.
So now when I concentrate on looking at the other person the self-destructive thoughts kind of disappear.
I used to be a nervous wreck too one advantage of getting older… Also, I think: if I die tomorrow, does it matter what these people think? Answer: no, not really…

 

[ConsciousZion]

When I worry what others think of me, my guard goes up, I divert energy to worrying what will they think about anything I say, what questions they might ask me and what possible responses I can give.

This wastes a lot of energy and focus, making my social ability goes down, it's not a fun frame of mind to be in and I suspect that others can feel I’m sorta distancing myself from them.

I’m going to try reminding myself that being guarded is exhausting and I feel much freer and more alive if I don’t. Hopefully adopting this mindset will help.

Do people have other mindsets you use to reduce the negative effects of self-esteem issues?

You're so right that it's exhausting. I used to wonder why I felt like I was hit by a truck when I joined meetings and came home demolished. This was when I found myself living my life outside myself -- thinking about what other MAYBE thinking. I realized that most of what I thought people may say (in their minds) really never proved so. In other words, I was so consumed with what was not true.
What helped me and continues to remind me is to retrain my thoughts to what I THINK. I have found this to be challenging because I allowed for years to think about others possible thoughts. For example, when I interact with someone I stay in my own thoughts. I've found myself having a dialogue in my head about what they are saying, how I feel about it, what comes to mind about that subject, my experiences, vision, desires, facts, and so on. One may think that THIS is exhausting and it may be at first because it's a new habit to practice. Yet I have never been so empowered in my life! I have actually been able to contribute to the conversation instead of defending myself constantly. Huge difference.
This is the art of consciousness -- being responsible for owning thoughts, actions, and every word that proceeds out of mouth.

 

[hiki]

well, by simply doing nothing but get to know people? coz then eventually you just get to see a long list of flaws that they have that you have to wonder, why feel so bad when this person is also just flawed - even pushing the idea in your head, why should these bastards act so high when theyre not that special

there are a few who are really amazing but even then? theres always something.

 

[Superfly47]

what worked for me was another thing:

I like to think of myself like a non particularly selfish person (which is probably not correct, but, anyway)
then I realized that being so centered about myself made me miss everything that was happening outside of my mind, and that I was truly interested in what others might be feeling.
So now when I concentrate on looking at the other person the self-destructive thoughts kind of disappear.
I used to be a nervous wreck too one advantage of getting older… Also, I think: if I die tomorrow, does it matter what these people think? Answer: no, not really…

Focusing on the other person and reminding myself to enjoy it also helps. If I go in convinced it's something to endure that I'll hate, it's no surprise that I wouldn't make a strong impression.

I've also had some instances where I've felt on the defense and almost overwhelmed, worry about what to answer and wondering so much how they'll judge and what they're thinking, that I just struggle to answer their questions and was not able to keep asking them questions. I'm sure it must have sucked for them too.

What helped me and continues to remind me is to retrain my thoughts to what I THINK. I have found this to be challenging because I allowed for years to think about others possible thoughts. For example, when I interact with someone I stay in my own thoughts. I've found myself having a dialogue in my head about what they are saying, how I feel about it, what comes to mind about that subject, my experiences, vision, desires, facts, and so on. One may think that THIS is exhausting and it may be at first because it's a new habit to practice. Yet I have never been so empowered in my life! I have actually been able to contribute to the conversation instead of defending myself constantly. Huge difference.
This is the art of consciousness -- being responsible for owning thoughts, actions, and every word that proceeds out of mouth.

Might be in part because you enjoy these dialogues, as opposed the constant anxiety and worry.

 

[johnny196775]

I have a book called "self-asteem" by matthew McKay and patrick fanning. I recommend it.

 

[Superfly47]

I have a book called "self-asteem" by matthew McKay and patrick fanning. I recommend it.

I've actually read that book, provided lots of great insight.

Do you do any of the exercises in it?

 

[johnny196775]

I have a book called "self-asteem" by matthew McKay and patrick fanning. I recommend it.

I've actually read that book, provided lots of great insight.

Do you do any of the exercises in it?

Maybe i should. i think i will check those out. Thanks.

 

[Pike Creek]

I was very insecure for a long time and I constantly worried what others thought of me to the point where I didn't even want to leave the house. But over time, I started focusing on positive talk. If I caught myself in a negative thought, like, when I was much heavier I always thought people were staring at me and mocking me because I was fat...I would say to myself things like "It doesn't matter if they look, it doesn't matter if they think I'm fat, I know I'm fat and I also know I'm doing something about it to lose the weight." Then I would focus on a positive aspect of myself..."I have such beautiful green eyes and a lovely smile"...at first it feels fake, but with practice, it really does help.

As for social situations though, I still feel the need to "small talk" and force conversation. But this isn't due to anxiety anymore, just due to me wanting to be left alone.

 

[WallflowerGirl83]

Yeah I noticed my energy goes down when I worry so much worry what people think about me. =( I'm always so kind and nice towards everyone, so when people are rude towards me I always wonder why people hate me. I worry so much about everything, I hate it. It always happens in bits and than I'll have good days where I'll won't worry at all but my low self esteem will always be there. It wears on you, and brings you down.

 

[Superfly47]

Usually when people are rude to strangers it is a way to vent frustration and stress that they get from some other part of their lives. They can't snap at their boss or customers if they are angry at work, but they can to strangers.