Lying about your virginity/previous relationships

[VanillaCreme]

I'll just say... When you have someone you love and care about, and they feel the same for you... And then they tell you something, and it seems so trivial to you, but it's a huge deal to them... You'll most likely think, "Why didn't you just tell me?"

It won't make you feel any different. You will just have wanted them to be open with you.

 

[1000lifetimes]

Forgrantedwife's notion makes the most sense IMHO. I may steal that line from you . But arguments aside, lets lay it all out on the table:

It's okay for men to lie to other men about this?
Yes! men are so insecure about the number of women they've "boinked" that it makes men feel as though if they haven't bedded a respectable number...they're not a real man...thus they have to lie about it...we're getting better though.

Why do men lie about it?
The obvious answer is shame because they've never slept with a woman....which is considered pathetic by some women (not ALL!!! But a lot). "No-one else has been willing to fresia you...why should I...am I supposed to settle for less than those other women??!". Fair enough. But let's dig a little deeper shall we?

This is a "the punishment for having the disease - is being denied the cure" type of scenario. Like how all jobs want previous experience - type deal.

So from a guys perspective, you're thinking..."no woman will have me because I've never been with a woman...I can't wrap my head around that...because it has no solution...so just lie about it...I'll explain it later". It sounds drastic but that's the way it is for some people. Ladies...Some of us don't simply lie to you just to get in your panties...we may do it because we really like you and just want you to give us a chance and not reject us for this ludicrous reason... and we're willing to live as a liar rather than die honest and alone. Ironically when we lie about it we portray ourselves as something we're not which is (what I would think!) is something women would prefer....someone whose NOT out to bed as many women as they can, but someone who wants a chance at a long lasting relationship.

In some ways (not all)...lying about being a virgin (ugh I don't even like the word...I'd rather you call me a "loser") is no different than lying on your résumé...you want the job don't you!?!?

 

[Locke]

You know what?

The world's a messed up place full of messed up people. Why listen to anyone? Just do whatever you want, lie or not lie, then find out what happens and whatever the outcome is, good - be happy and move on, bad - suck it up and learn from it I guess. One could never know the outcome of things with different people.

End of discussion.

+1, Best post in this thread.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

The answer is simply, whatever you feel is the best option, based on the individual circumstances.

 

[Samuel]

If you lie, and she finds out, how can she trust you in the future? Don't make a life of lies, honesty is the best option and if she doesn't like it that you are a virgin, well that's her issue not yours. Don't waste your time with her.

Having to constantly come up with lies to keep your appearance up is a waste of mental energy and time.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

I suppose, if I become a 40 year old virgin, I should just accept it. I have 9 years till I'm there, anyways.

 

[ardour]

I suppose, if I become a 40 year old virgin, I should just accept it. I have 9 years till I'm there, anyways.

Ironically Steve Carell and co. have helped take it from the realm of taboo and made it more acceptable.

If that's they way it's going to be then you may as well embrace it. Now where do we buy the t-shirts?

 

[lostatsea]

I would definitely lie about it. The world is full of negative stigmas and never being in a relationship or having sex is a big one.

I wouldn't go overboard, saying things like I get laid all the time, I've had tons of serious relationships, etc. But I think a lot of people would automatically write you off just for that fact. Not that they are necessarily a judgmental person, but the human psyche will naturally assume the worst to justify things.

To be honest if the roles were flipped and I met a woman who was older and never been in any serious relationship and a virgin, I would be highly suspicious.

People keep talking about how it's dishonest and you're going to ruin the relationship later, but I think you can easily move forward from that. When you do have a bond a decent person should be able to understand why you lied and forgive. But that same person might not even give you the chance before the fact.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

People can generally tell that I'm socially awkward. It's like a vibe I give off.

I wouldn't say that they would deduce I'm a virgin, but they would be suspicious.

 

[Batman55]

People can generally tell that I'm socially awkward. It's like a vibe I give off.

I wouldn't say that they would deduce I'm a virgin, but they would be suspicious.

You know what? This is causing you a lot of pain.

Why don't you forget about having a relationship/sex altogether? Reading some of the more depressing posts here about how you need to have EVERYTHING in your life together to have even the slightest chance of getting a single date with someone, which means money car independence confidence pride and so on, I conclude that anything to do with the opposite sex is like Mount Everest. It's just not going to happen for some of us.

I mean think of it this way, you're not going to be a heart surgeon right? The only logical thing to do is give up because that's not going to be you. I'm already starting to wave the white flag because some of these posts that demonstrate how insanely hard this all is.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

I can't just forget, because I want kids.

Unless I adopt, I will never have children. And speaking as someone who has observed single parents before, it is unreasonable for a single man to become a dad. A child needs two parents.

 

[lostatsea]

Giving up would be the worst idea ever. It'll make you feel even worse than if you tried and failed.

Yeah it's hard.. but think about what batman just said... you need to get everything together just to have a relationship... so?!?! If you try and get half the things together you're still better off than you were in your life... you can only improve... even if it means you'll still be alone for a while.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

Plenty of people don't have their lives together, and they still manage relationships. Hell, a drug abuser/cocaine dealer can get a girlfriend...why can't I?

 

[VanillaCreme]

Plenty of people don't have their lives together, and they still manage relationships. Hell, a drug abuser/cocaine dealer can get a girlfriend...why can't I?

My guess would be because of this type of attitude. Also, constantly comparing yourself to others and what they do and have doesn't have. Someone doesn't have to have a mansion on a hill with seven cars, a pool, heated bathrooms, and other fanciness in order to have a significant other.

You may say that you understand and know that people don't need these things, but by how you act, I find it hard to believe that you believe that. I think that it's in the back of your mind that if you did have what you want in life (car, home, whatever else) that you would have someone. And honestly, I just don't think it's true.

This is just my observation... If you feel yourself becoming defensive, please ignore my comments.

 

[African_weasel]

Someone doesn't have to have a mansion on a hill with seven cars, a pool, heated bathrooms, and other fanciness

I would sure love to have all of that though.

 

[Batman55]

Plenty of people don't have their lives together, and they still manage relationships. Hell, a drug abuser/cocaine dealer can get a girlfriend...why can't I?

Last time you saw the "extreme pessimist" side of myself. Of course in the right mind I would never say to give up.

And if I was in an optimistic mood I would say you don't need everything together in your life, but just the right approach, the right attitude, and being in the right place at the right time. I have a friend who is 32 years old and still lives at home and he makes crap money. He does not tick the usual boxes for what women want. But because he had the right attitude and he was simply lucky, he is "seeing" someone.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

Plenty of people don't have their lives together, and they still manage relationships. Hell, a drug abuser/cocaine dealer can get a girlfriend...why can't I?

My guess would be because of this type of attitude. Also, constantly comparing yourself to others and what they do and have doesn't have. Someone doesn't have to have a mansion on a hill with seven cars, a pool, heated bathrooms, and other fanciness in order to have a significant other.

You may say that you understand and know that people don't need these things, but by how you act, I find it hard to believe that you believe that. I think that it's in the back of your mind that if you did have what you want in life (car, home, whatever else) that you would have someone. And honestly, I just don't think it's true.

This is just my observation... If you feel yourself becoming defensive, please ignore my comments.

Not going to get defensive. I have no need to.

My observation has been that there are a lot of terrible people in relationships, as well as good people. In fact, you don't have to be intelligent or stupid, good or bad, fat or thin, or whatever to be in a relationship...or not.

Some people just get lucky, and some people just have bad luck. I'd chalk all of my problems up to bad luck, and bad circumstances. Being in the wrong place at the wrong time. I can't really blame a drug dealer for having a girlfriend, when there are plenty of people who aren't drug dealers who have relationships.

 

[Batman55]

Not going to get defensive. I have no need to.

My observation has been that there are a lot of terrible people in relationships, as well as good people. In fact, you don't have to be intelligent or stupid, good or bad, fat or thin, or whatever to be in a relationship...or not.

Some people just get lucky, and some people just have bad luck. I'd chalk all of my problems up to bad luck, and bad circumstances. Being in the wrong place at the wrong time. I can't really blame a drug dealer for having a girlfriend, when there are plenty of people who aren't drug dealers who have relationships.

I mean if you have a job or at least something positive going on in your life (and sadly, that's not me right now), there's no reason you should automatically be excluded from a relationship.

Perhaps you need to start socializing and branch out, then you can meet someone.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

I actually just got a job, but that's beside the point.

I work in a very geeky profession, and I don't think that a lot of women would like that. I would get props since I'm a musician, if I weren't too scared to perform live. I have terrible stage fright, and I don't have any way to promote myself otherwise.

I think people look at me as ordinary, even women, and no women look at me as extraordinary. Well, my mom does, but she's not someone I'm dating.

 

[EveWasFramed]

Who, in this day and age, consider coding to be geeky? That's odd IMO.