Lying about your virginity/previous relationships

[VanillaCreme]

How does lying about something as insignificant as that matter?

And you wonder why us guys make such a big deal out of it!

It's not the what that's significant. It's the fact that they did lie. Just because it's not important to you, and you feel like it's not a big deal to lie about it, doesn't mean that everyone thinks the same.

 

[Sci-Fi]

^ Well put.

It's being deceptive, if you really care about the person you should be able to be honest with them.

 

[nerdygirl]

Okay, if it's insignificant, why would you lie about it? Just lying for the sake of being dishonest is worse than to lie for what you might consider to be a good reason. Also, since it's insignificant, I have to go back to the notion that you must find it acceptable for somebody with dozens of sex partners to tell you they're a virgin.

 

[ardour]

I we had a real bond I wouldn't dump them for that, or I'd at least try and understand why they felt the need to lie. You're too judgemental, and over the wrong things. I would hate to be in relationship with you, one slip up and it's over.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

How does lying about something as insignificant as that matter?

And you wonder why us guys make such a big deal out of it!

It's not the what that's significant. It's the fact that they did lie. Just because it's not important to you, and you feel like it's not a big deal to lie about it, doesn't mean that everyone thinks the same.

But you see, that's the argument I'm making.

If it's not important enough to lie about, why is it important if he did lie about it?

And you can't paint it with a broad brush, because I've heard plenty of women say to my face that they would never date a virgin, when the subject comes up. These are women in their late teens and early 20's, so you can imagine the horror of someone my age discovering that I'm one.

 

[Sci-Fi]

There are 30+ year old women out there that are virgins.

 

[nerdygirl]

I we had a real bond I wouldn't dump them for that, or I'd at least try and understand why they felt the need to lie. You're too judgemental, and over the wrong things. I would hate to be in relationship with you, one slip up and it's over.

I'm almost amused at your inability to realize what a hypocrite you're being. The moment you make assumptions about the girl and decide to lie to her, you're judging her. "Oh, she's too shallow or immature to be okay with me being a virgin. I'll just lie about it" When you throw in your comment that anybody is being "too judgmental and over the wrong things" when the thing being judged is LYING... it stops being funny. There's no sense in carrying on this discussion, because I don't believe in relationships that lack honesty and trust, and that's obviously what you're gunning for. We might as well be comparing apples to subway cars. Best of luck to you with that.

 

[ardour]

*not what I'm gunning for? I kind of think you must be young... it's all black and white.

 

[Sci-Fi]

Alright enough with personal attacks and insults. I've already banned one person today I won't hesitate to ban more if people don't knock it off. It ends right now.

 

[ardour]

There are 30+ year old women out there that are virgins.

A good percentage of whom would be nuns.

 

[VanillaCreme]

But you see, that's the argument I'm making.

If it's not important enough to lie about, why is it important if he did lie about it?

And you can't paint it with a broad brush, because I've heard plenty of women say to my face that they would never date a virgin, when the subject comes up. These are women in their late teens and early 20's, so you can imagine the horror of someone my age discovering that I'm one.

Well, I'm sorry that some females have told you that, but not all of us would say that. Not all of us care. Basing your relationships and being off of something that a few women have said to you isn't something I would suggest. It's not a horror, despite what some people may have placed inside of your thoughts.

But, it's because he did lie. In general. About anything. If it's not important to him, why would he lie? I'd much rather be with someone who is inexperienced, than to have someone who would actually lie to me about anything. Honesty is more important to me than making sure someone's had experience.

If you don't see a problem in lying about anything, then that's on you. But I see an issue with it, especially about something like that. Why lie? He doesn't trust me enough? He doesn't care about himself enough to be honest with it? He doesn't care about me enough?

And I do understand that one might feel embarrassed maybe, but if I couldn't be honest with someone about something personal, then I would seriously reconsider the relationship. I believe that trust is a big part of relationships, and lying about something doesn't cement that trust.

That's just how I see it. No one has to agree with me. I was just responding to your post.

 

[Superfly47]

If you lie about something, the other person wonders "If you've lied about this, what else have you lied about?"

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

I see I'm not going to win on this.

But also, every guy who has ever been successful in relationships, has said to me, "Lie your ass off, until you get experience. That's what I did." Of course, these were all online, but they can't all be jerks, can they?

Even my therapist, who is a woman, said that I can just skim over that without mentioning it. And my previous therapist, who was a man, said that I didn't need to mention it at all, and skim over it if it was brought up, without saying yes or no about it.

 

[ladyforsaken]

You know what?

The world's a messed up place full of messed up people. Why listen to anyone? Just do whatever you want, lie or not lie, then find out what happens and whatever the outcome is, good - be happy and move on, bad - suck it up and learn from it I guess. One could never know the outcome of things with different people.

End of discussion.

 

[VanillaCreme]

I see I'm not going to win on this.

But also, every guy who has ever been successful in relationships, has said to me, "Lie your ass off, until you get experience. That's what I did." Of course, these were all online, but they can't all be jerks, can they?

Even my therapist, who is a woman, said that I can just skim over that without mentioning it. And my previous therapist, who was a man, said that I didn't need to mention it at all, and skim over it if it was brought up, without saying yes or no about it.

It's not about winning. I honestly don't understand why you refuse to see any other side but your own. It's not a conversation to "win" and the fact that you see it as such, well, then it was completely pointless of anyone to even try and converse with you about this topic. Everything is about winning to you, dominating a side of a conversation, when really, talking about something is not about winning. Conversations are not a competition.

The thing is, I completely understand where you're coming from, and I completely understand what you're saying, as well as the others who are saying similar things as you. My posts in this thread are not about trying to win anything. With my questions, I was trying to understand why someone would think that one would think less of them in this particular situation.

No, you don't need to mention, and why? Because it shouldn't be so important that it would be the base of your relationship. However, when you find that person that you feel so comfortable around, you'll just feel like you can tell them anyway. It's not about trying to make yourself look bad or any less of a human being.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

I put my foot in my mouth again.

I didn't mean literally win. The conversation is not a contest. I just meant that everybody seems to be on the other side of the opinion fence, and disagree with my POV.

I could care less, to be honest. I think the answer is that both views are right; in certain cases, it's right to lie, and in certain cases, it's not right. I'd say that, if I had just met a girl, and she was asking if I was a virgin, I would say I was not. If I was dating someone for months, and things had gotten serious, and she already liked me enough to keep on seeing me...I would fess up to being one.

 

[Left In The Cold]

I've been with a few female virgins ranging from my first when she was 14 up to a 26 yr old virgin & in my experience from a guys point of view AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT!

Women/girls look @ sex way differently than the average guy does. I'm only speaking from my experience here but I've found them to be way to clingy. Being that its their first time I understand that but what they don't realise is that I already have a shadow & people need to have time for themselves also.

My best mate (he's 32) is a virgin (not by choice) & he has never had a gf or been kissed or experienced anything of life in that aspect. When his time comes (haha) I'll bet he'll be thinking the same as OP. You're not alone thinking like that

 

[ForGrantedWife]

Recently my older teenage son and his girlfriend finally did it for the first time. I've always had an open dialog with him about sex and relationships since he hit puberty in order to keep him safe and aware of what can happen. He knows he can talk to me about it and that we prefer he be safe and sexually responsible. It's always so ridiculous to me when parents assume their kids aren't going to do what they themselves did. So anyway, he came home upset because he had told a good friend about it and the word got spread around to a few other friends. We had to have a frank and unpleasant talk with him about privacy issues and keeping one's mouth shut about that stuff. His father told him (which is true) a gentleman doesn't kiss and tell. You just don't do it. He's never spoken with me about his past partners and will not even tell me any names even though he grew up in another state and I wouldn't know them anyway. This is the best policy. If the girl asks, this is the answer. "That's private. A gentleman never kisses and tells." That way, you're not exactly lying either way.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

ForGranted, things change when you become an adult virgin. There's much more pressure.

Kids think they have pressure on them to lose it, but it's nowhere near the pressure that's laid on you as an adult. For 30-40 year old virgins, we are seen as having to be trained, and that isn't a good prospect for a woman of our age. It's much easier to not date at all, and therefore not have to explain what you've been doing all those years (in my case, I was a socially anxious person who had a people phobia, and this is hard to explain.)

 

[ForGrantedWife]

I get your point, but the facts don't change regardless-if you choose them not to. What I mean is, if you simply refuse to discuss your past relationships there is nothing much they can do about it. I am 35 years old, in a relationship that has gone on for 18 years now. My husband still after all these years will not discuss any of his previous relationships. Not budging. And he was freshly broken up with a girl when I met him. I seriously don't know if he's had just one previous relationship, or ten. Why? Because he isn't talking, period. And that's simply all you have to do.