... So I did. I made small goals. I even achieved them. Eat healthier? Did that. Been on a vastly improved diet for months. Stop self-harming? Did that. Haven't picked up a knife in four months. Improved my education? I should be getting my GED in a few weeks if not sooner.
I escaped the tyranny of my mother's house. I moved in with awesome friends. I got my girlfriend back. Never before in my life have I had so much energy, or laughed and smiled on a daily basis.
So why do I feel like I'm about to fall into another deep depression? Why do I just want to sleep all day, stop eating, pick the knife back up again, hide in my room and just ignore everyone? They said "Make small goals", and I did, and I achieved them. So why doesn't it feel good? It feels like a completely hollow victory, something anyone could've done. It feels like no matter how many baby steps I make, it'll never amount to anything larger. I feel like just as big of a failure as ever. I feel inadequate, unwanted, and unloved. I feel like a mistake just as much as I ever did. I had finally started making real progress on my trust and abandonment issues and suddenly for the last few weeks I don't trust any of my dearest friends as far as I can throw them. I started my novel and made it almost to 40,00 words and then just stopped. I feel like I'm not good enough for my girlfriend. About to get my GED, something I had once thought impossible? I don't even care. Whatever.
All of a sudden I feel like I'm about to rapidly slide backwards, and I don't know why. Maybe it's just further proof that I'm worthless. I don't know. I just know I needed to get it off my chest. I wonder what happens now...
I escaped the tyranny of my mother's house. I moved in with awesome friends. I got my girlfriend back. Never before in my life have I had so much energy, or laughed and smiled on a daily basis.
So why do I feel like I'm about to fall into another deep depression? Why do I just want to sleep all day, stop eating, pick the knife back up again, hide in my room and just ignore everyone? They said "Make small goals", and I did, and I achieved them. So why doesn't it feel good? It feels like a completely hollow victory, something anyone could've done. It feels like no matter how many baby steps I make, it'll never amount to anything larger. I feel like just as big of a failure as ever. I feel inadequate, unwanted, and unloved. I feel like a mistake just as much as I ever did. I had finally started making real progress on my trust and abandonment issues and suddenly for the last few weeks I don't trust any of my dearest friends as far as I can throw them. I started my novel and made it almost to 40,00 words and then just stopped. I feel like I'm not good enough for my girlfriend. About to get my GED, something I had once thought impossible? I don't even care. Whatever.
All of a sudden I feel like I'm about to rapidly slide backwards, and I don't know why. Maybe it's just further proof that I'm worthless. I don't know. I just know I needed to get it off my chest. I wonder what happens now...