Man Up

[Estreen]

This is kind of a question more directed at the ladies here, but, how many of you like your (potential) boyfriend/Significant Other to show some initiative, not waiting for plans to just "fall into place", etc? Essentially, do you like your men to "man up" when they need to? I know I'm a bit on the traditional side, but I like for a guy to take charge a little. I don't mind needing to take charge and/or getting involved and all that on matters, but I'd expect a certain amount from his end too, not just all from me, y'know?

For the record, my ideal expectation is that the guy take charge more than the girl, but my realistic expectations are that it should be at least equal on both sides. I don't think that the woman should have to take control more than the guy, unless that's what she and her partner wants.

Ladies, do ya'll feel like this too, where you'd like a guy that takes charge a little, at least with the more important stuff?

And guys, as not to exclude you: do you value this characteristic in your (potential) girlfriends/Significant Others? Do you like your women to take charge, and if so, more than you, just a little bit, or equally? Also, do you think (after a certain point) that the guy in a relationship should show some initiative and assertiveness and "take charge" with certain things?

 

[Estreen]

EDIT: This is not, in any way, meant to bash guys and tell them that they all need to "man up" and do better; I just personally wish that my boyfriend wouldn't leave most (if not all) plan making up to either his mother or me. So, I was wondering if I'm the only one with these expectations or are there others that would agree. Perhaps my wording wasn't that adequate and I apologize if any of the men here take offence at my post. I really mean no disrespect as I hate gender-bashing. Was just hoping for a discussion and to gain some insight as I'm not exactly satisfied with the way my own boyfriend seems to slack off when it comes to that.

 

[Oceanmist23]

Personally, and like you said realistically, I think it should be 50-50 in a relationship.
Estreen, what you're saying about your boyfriend is something I would find unacceptable. It would piss me right off.
I would ask him straight out why he's leaving decisions about your relationship up to you and his mom.
His mom should have nothing to do with it. To me it shows immaturity and that he doesn't care. How old is he??

I would not put up with something like that.

Edit: Oh and not to sound like a *****, but just because something starts out as great doesn't mean you should have to put up with it if it turns bad. My 6 year long-distance relationship started great, then I realised it wasn't that great, and I got fed up of trying to make it work for me.

There's other guys out there, guys who will treat you with the respect you deserve.
You're not gonna end up lonely for the rest of your life. Don't even think that.
You're young, you're smart, you're pretty - like Zak says it'll be a walk in the cake lol.
I'm not telling you to dump him, but it sure doesn't sound like he's gonna magically change his behaviour.
From what you're saying and have said before, he sounds immature, lazy, dishonest and disrespectful.
Why are you accepting this?
You deserve better!

 

[Bluey]

50/50 yes.

Maybe I should man-up. But how do I get away from my boyish looks in order to man-up?

Well I think most women at times would like there man to take control and be like the ape-man. But I think only sometimes they would like this and the rest of the time for us to be like the worm that we are lol

Me Tarzan, you Jane. You come here now!

 

[Oceanmist23]

Me Tarzan, you Jane. You come here now!

LMAO

 

[Estreen]

Personally, and like you said realistically, I think it should be 50-50 in a relationship.
Estreen, what you're saying about your boyfriend is something I would find unacceptable. It would piss me right off.
I would ask him straight out why he's leaving decisions about your relationship up to you and his mom.
His mom should have nothing to do with it. To me it shows immaturity and that he doesn't care. How old is he??

I would not put up with something like that.

Edit: Oh and not to sound like a *****, but just because something starts out as great doesn't mean you should have to put up with it if it turns bad. My 6 year long-distance relationship started great, then I realised it wasn't that great, and I got fed up of trying to make it work for me.

There's other guys out there, guys who will treat you with the respect you deserve.
You're not gonna end up lonely for the rest of your life. Don't even think that.
You're young, you're smart, you're pretty - like Zak says it'll be a walk in the cake lol.
I'm not telling you to dump him, but it sure doesn't sound like he's gonna magically change his behaviour.
From what you're saying and have said before, he sounds immature, lazy, dishonest and disrespectful.
Why are you accepting this?
You deserve better!

Ocean, you have given me some great insight, thank you. I was talking with his mum today when we were over at Wal-Mart and she was saying how he's going to end up being miserable for the entire summer if he doesn't get to see me and she laughed and said, "I won't even want to deal with him." And that made me feel better in a way, and yet if I didn't talk to her about it, I would never know that he would be affected that way, because he wouldn't say anything to me about it. I mean, it's pretty obvious to me, his mum, and my parents that there's little to no chance of a visit working out this year unless he were to come over on his own, but I think he still thinks that his mum and I are still trying to make plans.

I've kinda...given up on it though. I've got college coming up, possibly a job shortly after, and a new apartment that I need to be worrying about. I used to have a lot more money to use freely and be able to spend because I had a full time job and smaller expenses but now what I do have for cash is tied up til I get a job and start having an income again, so it's not like I can afford to get over there either. It's always kinda been what works for him and his schedule, whether it was phone calls, visits, etc.

After what happened this past Christmas with him basically telling me that it's all up to me and that he didn't care either way at the time if I came... just...meh, it's made me feel like it's futile to even bother with trying to set up a visit unless he were to randomly show some enthusiasm and try to actively help plan it. I'm really tired of doing for him, for things that he should want just as much as I do. He's 19, btw, going to be 20 in May. Speaking of birthdays, he was just going to bring my birthday present over for me when he came over in the summer.. (my birthday was the 9th of March, already passed). Not like I'm materialistic or anything, and it doesn't really matter what he gets me or even if it's a bit late, but...I dunno. I don't think he's coming so....yeah, there goes his plan on that. But I'm going to try to get him something tomorrow and give it to his mum to take back with her so it won't be late and to avoid having to send it through the post, so it will be there for him on his birthday. I guess he'll just send mine through the mail later, that is, if he has purchased it yet, which I'm not even sure about that.

You're right, it seems immature to me as well. I know he's younger and he's got college and all that on his plate, I just hoped that he'd be a little more considerate and show some enthusiasm. I've got guys either telling me how they'd love the chance to see me and shower me with affection, or read about guys wishing they had someone who would treat them right and who they could cling to or what have you, but we've "been together for more than 2 years" so he feels that he shouldn't have to "drool over me like a love sick puppy" as he's put it. Not that I expect that; just some reassurance would be nice I guess.

Gah. I'm quite messed up at the moment when it comes to my relationship. *sigh*

 

[Estreen]

50/50 yes.

Maybe I should man-up. But how do I get away from my boyish looks in order to man-up?

Well I think most women at times would like there man to take control and be like the ape-man. But I think only sometimes they would like this and the rest of the time for us to be like the worm that we are lol

Me Tarzan, you Jane. You come here now!

Lol Bluey.

Just :club: her on the head and drag her back to the cave by her hair.

Just kidding.

 

[Oceanmist23]

I've got college coming up, possibly a job shortly after, and a new apartment that I need to be worrying about.

College, a possible job, and a new apartment. <--- This is good stuff to focus on! So many girls, myself included, often lose focus on these important things when in a relationship. I hope you won't

It's always kinda been what works for him and his schedule, whether it was phone calls, visits, etc.

*Sigh* Sounds too familiar... Never again will I be with a guy who's work I will end up resenting because it takes up all his time... It wasn't like he didn't try, he tried really hard, but it just wasn't enough. A relationship won't work in the long run if you can't live together.

I'm really tired of doing for him, for things that he should want just as much as I do. He's 19, btw, going to be 20 in May.

Totally understandable. It should be equal, there should be enthusiasm, respect, love, you name it.
I have to say, I believe he's still too young and immature to be involved in this type of relationship.
Long-distance relationships require a HUGE amount of effort from both parts in order to make it work. Take all the things you'd expect from a regular relationship, and multiply the importance and intensity of those things by 10. That's what a long-distance relationship takes. Love x 10, respect x 10, understanding x 10, you get the picture...
You shouldn't have to settle for anything less. I did for a long time, and it was wrong of me. To me it was self destructive. Now I feel free to do anything I want.

I've got guys either telling me how they'd love the chance to see me and shower me with affection, or read about guys wishing they had someone who would treat them right and who they could cling to or what have you, but we've "been together for more than 2 years" so he feels that he shouldn't have to "drool over me like a love sick puppy" as he's put it. Not that I expect that; just some reassurance would be nice I guess.

First of all, girl I bet you can have any guy you want! So why settle for someone who doesn't treat you the way you deserve to be treated? Trust me, he won't change. They never do...no matter how much we want them to... It's what you see is what you get.

Secondly, did he actually say that to you?! Wow.. that's pretty rude. So he's basically saying that since you've been together for over two years he shouldn't have to show that he loves you?
When I'm in a relationship, whether it has lasted 6 days or 6 years, I will ALWAYS show my partner that I love him. Everyone has different ways of showing love, and with time it can change as well, but it should never become less or disappear.
In the beginning of a relationship I can be very lovey dovey, constantly having butterflies, giving him gifts, love letters etc. After some time I will feel more "settled" you could say, and I will show my love for him VERY much through affection (cuddles, hugs, kisses). If I didn't get the same amount of love in return, or if he told me that I'm not showing as much love as I used to (completely not understanding that me showing affection is my way of saying I love him), then I would feel pretty offended.

Gah. I'm quite messed up at the moment when it comes to my relationship. *sigh*

Aww hun... I know how it is, and it's not easy..
I tried for a whole year to make my relationship work for me, but it didn't. Ending it was the right thing to do, not only for me, but for him as well. He should be with someone who shares a lot more of the same interests and values in life, and who will be 100% happy in the relationship. Same goes for me.

Estreen, we are on each others MSN, so if you wanna talk about any of this at any time, please send me a message. I'm here for you if you need me Aww I'm happy that I could give you some insight, I just hope I didn't sound rude or anything. If there's one thing that really gets to me it's long-distance relationships where one person is on the low end of the love & effort scale..

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Lmao....I'll man up ( sexual fantacy running through my mind).

Yes..I've always been the bread winner. The provider.The toilet plunging dude.
I'm the king of the night time love and you're my midnight queen...So come...lets dance
Yet... I'll baby sitting, change diapers, wash dishes, do luandry and sing rymes to our children.
I'll even run down to the super market and stand in line with a box of tampons and be proud of it for you.
I'll climb moutians, cross desserts just for your love.
I'll even let you drive my car.
I'll hold you tight when you're screaming out of your mind.
You can cry on my shoulder.

You don't have to work if you wish not to...
chose your own life...sweet.
Have as many friends as you like...male or female.
Follow your dreams...whatever they may be...I will support you.

But please don't sit home alone and watch the walls of our home closing in on you.
Don't let our home or love become your prison...While I'm at work.
I'm not a rich, rich man...so i have to earn a living.

Darling...please keep your promise...Love me back..Love me back as you say you do. As you once did.
Not the alcohol, drugs, gambling more than me...
I'll even stand by your side through the sickness of it all through out the year...becuase i love you. I beliving in you.

You made me promised you not to give up on you inspite of it all...Yes babe, I'll do that becuase i love you.
I've kept my promise...babe...I man up. I never gave up on you.

So...where's the woman in you babe ?
Where's the woman I love ?
Yes babe...I'll man up for all your broken promises too. *sighs*

 

[TheLonelySkeptic]

Make me a sandwich. Iron my shirt. Etc. Etc.

 

[Zak]

I've kinda...given up on it though. I've got college coming up, possibly a job shortly after, and a new apartment that I need to be worrying about. I used to have a lot more money to use freely and be able to spend because I had a full time job and smaller expenses but now what I do have for cash is tied up til I get a job and start having an income again, so it's not like I can afford to get over there either. It's always kinda been what works for him and his schedule, whether it was phone calls, visits, etc.

After what happened this past Christmas with him basically telling me that it's all up to me and that he didn't care either way at the time if I came... just...meh, it's made me feel like it's futile to even bother with trying to set up a visit unless he were to randomly show some enthusiasm and try to actively help plan it. I'm really tired of doing for him, for things that he should want just as much as I do. He's 19, btw, going to be 20 in May. Speaking of birthdays, he was just going to bring my birthday present over for me when he came over in the summer.. (my birthday was the 9th of March, already passed). Not like I'm materialistic or anything, and it doesn't really matter what he gets me or even if it's a bit late, but...I dunno. I don't think he's coming so....yeah, there goes his plan on that. But I'm going to try to get him something tomorrow and give it to his mum to take back with her so it won't be late and to avoid having to send it through the post, so it will be there for him on his birthday. I guess he'll just send mine through the mail later, that is, if he has purchased it yet, which I'm not even sure about that.

You're right, it seems immature to me as well. I know he's younger and he's got college and all that on his plate, I just hoped that he'd be a little more considerate and show some enthusiasm. I've got guys either telling me how they'd love the chance to see me and shower me with affection, or read about guys wishing they had someone who would treat them right and who they could cling to or what have you, but we've "been together for more than 2 years" so he feels that he shouldn't have to "drool over me like a love sick puppy" as he's put it. Not that I expect that; just some reassurance would be nice I guess.

Gah. I'm quite messed up at the moment when it comes to my relationship. *sigh* Sad

Estreen, I guess I have given you my genuine views about your bf already and I asked you to please not hate me coz my views were pretty bad. So I am not gonna post that here again. But just telling you, be careful dear. Just be ready for anything. Prepare yourself for the worst.

Make me a sandwich. Iron my shirt. Etc. Etc.

LMFAO

In the beginning of a relationship I can be very lovey dovey, constantly having butterflies, giving him gifts, love letters etc. After some time I will feel more "settled" you could say, and I will show my love for him VERY much through affection (cuddles, hugs, kisses). If I didn't get the same amount of love in return, or if he told me that I'm not showing as much love as I used to (completely not understanding that me showing affection is my way of saying I love him), then I would feel pretty offended.

Note to self: Take notes Sanal.... Take notes.... lol

 

[Oceanmist23]

Note to self: Take notes Sanal.... Take notes.... lol

LOL

 

[VanillaCreme]

I agree with you, Estreen. I specifically wanted a guy who would take control and take charge.

 

[Estreen]

I agree with you, Estreen. I specifically wanted a guy who would take control and take charge.

Thank you Vanilla.

Ocean I've wanted to IM you on MSN, although I'm on mobile most of the time lately 'cos I just moved to an apartment away from home and we (the roomies and I) need to set up the net, so I'm at one of the computer labs here. ^^ But yeah, I'm really thinking over this relationship right now. I just went through some drama because of his mom wanting to "get together" with my dad and (I don't know the details) something may or may not have happened between them, although I just confronted my dad on it and he said he enjoys her company but does not want to get involved like that, although there was "something" there, but she was apparently looking to have a relationship with him...which to me is just gross. It hurt my mom too because they were friends and had met each other first and seemed to get along so well then she started calling my mom less frequently to the point where she barely spoke to her at all, yet at the same time called my dad like every other day.

I gotta cut this right now cos I gotta get back to the apartment but I can message you on MSN via my mobile if you want.

Right now, I don't like my boyfriend.