DeliciouScience
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- Jan 15, 2014
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I have somewhat of a self-esteem problem?
Ok, so when it comes to school work and job work, I'm fine. I can be as certain of myself and my work as I need to be and can get stuff done.
And, it's like sometimes with friends I'm good. Of course, if it's about school work I'm great. But, when we switch to any other topic, I guess I feel like I start shrinking a bit, and then if things aren't careful I'll fade out of the conversation entirely and then I'm just sitting there.
But the worst part is when I'm alone. When I don't have to stand behind my work or my ideas. Thats when I become crazy self conscious.
If you read my 'relationship' thread then you've seen some of my thoughts about my looks. I admit I'm not the most attractive, but objectively I'm not hideous... but then, sometimes, I feel ugly regardless of what I objectively think. Some nights it gets really bad. You just curl up into a ball and hope the bad feelings will pass you by. I guess I can be fortunate sometimes, in that I can banish all emotions. It's difficult, but sometimes I can flip a switch and it all goes away. The annoying part is, of course, ALL emotions go away. And, they are still there, sort of, lurking beneath the surface. And, when I flip the switch, I don't feel like 'me'. It's like a robot pretending to be me. Sometimes the world greys out a bit.
Idk, maybe some of the reason I want a relationship is a bit of validation. You know, I've never been called handsome except by my mom or a couple of Old people at my church. Thats certainly not the only reason, but it's probably a factor.
And then, of course, sometimes I get mad at my personality. Why am I so vain that I have to stress appearances so much? I shouldn't get that worked up over things. Which, of course, doesn't help matters.
It's a mini-spiral of self-disgust. I'm unhappy because I don't like how I look, and then I'm unhappy because of why I'm getting unhappy.
And I'm sure some people on this forum have it worse than I do in terms of self esteem, but man, those nights when the bad feelings hit, and you can't seem to flip the switch to make them go away? Well, I've smashed my head against walls before trying to get the myself to stop insulting myself... (I don't think I've told anyone about that >_> )
And they aren't all about looks, or my focus on them (the bad feelings that is). They can range from everything to my life goals and choices to just an arbitrary dull pain.
I don't think my self-esteem issues have directly influenced my continuous 'single' status. I've only had a crush on like 2 girls, and I've asked them both out (rejected both times though lol). I've even been on 2 other dates with other girls, though there wasn't any interest with them so after both we went our separate ways. Still, I'm sure it's affected me indirectly. How could it not after all?
Well, thanks for letting me share my ramblings >.>
Ok, so when it comes to school work and job work, I'm fine. I can be as certain of myself and my work as I need to be and can get stuff done.
And, it's like sometimes with friends I'm good. Of course, if it's about school work I'm great. But, when we switch to any other topic, I guess I feel like I start shrinking a bit, and then if things aren't careful I'll fade out of the conversation entirely and then I'm just sitting there.
But the worst part is when I'm alone. When I don't have to stand behind my work or my ideas. Thats when I become crazy self conscious.
If you read my 'relationship' thread then you've seen some of my thoughts about my looks. I admit I'm not the most attractive, but objectively I'm not hideous... but then, sometimes, I feel ugly regardless of what I objectively think. Some nights it gets really bad. You just curl up into a ball and hope the bad feelings will pass you by. I guess I can be fortunate sometimes, in that I can banish all emotions. It's difficult, but sometimes I can flip a switch and it all goes away. The annoying part is, of course, ALL emotions go away. And, they are still there, sort of, lurking beneath the surface. And, when I flip the switch, I don't feel like 'me'. It's like a robot pretending to be me. Sometimes the world greys out a bit.
Idk, maybe some of the reason I want a relationship is a bit of validation. You know, I've never been called handsome except by my mom or a couple of Old people at my church. Thats certainly not the only reason, but it's probably a factor.
And then, of course, sometimes I get mad at my personality. Why am I so vain that I have to stress appearances so much? I shouldn't get that worked up over things. Which, of course, doesn't help matters.
It's a mini-spiral of self-disgust. I'm unhappy because I don't like how I look, and then I'm unhappy because of why I'm getting unhappy.
And I'm sure some people on this forum have it worse than I do in terms of self esteem, but man, those nights when the bad feelings hit, and you can't seem to flip the switch to make them go away? Well, I've smashed my head against walls before trying to get the myself to stop insulting myself... (I don't think I've told anyone about that >_> )
And they aren't all about looks, or my focus on them (the bad feelings that is). They can range from everything to my life goals and choices to just an arbitrary dull pain.
I don't think my self-esteem issues have directly influenced my continuous 'single' status. I've only had a crush on like 2 girls, and I've asked them both out (rejected both times though lol). I've even been on 2 other dates with other girls, though there wasn't any interest with them so after both we went our separate ways. Still, I'm sure it's affected me indirectly. How could it not after all?
Well, thanks for letting me share my ramblings >.>
