This could end up being a long thread, but maybe it helps me, so I encourage anyone to chime in with any ideas or suggestions for me.
I'm not sure where to start because I've been thinking about these problems of mine for "years" and so many things came up, explanations, justifications, all over the place. Plus I know people online don't necessarily like reading essays. So I'll keep it short and if someone's more interested in some specific part, I'll elaborate on that. Hopefully I can get some good input from you guys, some help, because I know I need one but I don't want to go to therapy, it's just something I don't want to do.
So...I'm 30 and I have low to no self esteem. Sometimes even I feel how awkward I may appear in social situations. Often times in my life I felt as if my welcome in some social circle fizzled out. Maybe I can't explain it well, but it would be almost as if I'm fine for some amount of time, but then I don't have the "brakes" to stop acting a certain way (or something) and then I feel as if I got on peoples nerves, or should I stay overstayed the welcome, so to speak.
I don't know if this has anything to do with parents, but if someone thinks it has, I can give you a quick rundown of my childhood. For now, I'll just say I grew up with parents separated (not divorced) in a same house (each on their own floor) and watching them constantly fight and bicker over anything, often putting me in a position to choose sides, eventually making it me being the part of "dad side" and my older sister being on "mother side", and in most of the situations, mom would have the last say when it came to arguing with dad.
I don't have true friends. The best way I can explain this is - if I was to marry tomorrow, I couldn't even think who my best man should or could be. That's pretty pathetic. I do know a lot of people on different levels of acquaintance. Some of them I know well, I've been to their houses, we went out a lot, we know some details about our family or love situations...but I never feel as if I'm a friend and I always think I get overly expressive and extroverted when I meet with them, who knows how I look to them, maybe desperate, I don't know.
So for starters before I go into more details, how is it possible to take care of these issues. Just to give you another example, when I go out of town for a trip, anywhere, I feel completely different, relaxed, outgoing, I want to meet with everyone. I usually am pretty good at conversing with strangers.
But this reminds me of my dad. He's great when it comes to making initial contact, but he messes it all up when things continue on. I watched him fall out with many of his buddies, as if he just wants to put people away, and then gets back into friendly mode...it's complex.
Anyway...is there a pattern or a common theme you guys see here? Is there a way I could change this? Thanks
I'm not sure where to start because I've been thinking about these problems of mine for "years" and so many things came up, explanations, justifications, all over the place. Plus I know people online don't necessarily like reading essays. So I'll keep it short and if someone's more interested in some specific part, I'll elaborate on that. Hopefully I can get some good input from you guys, some help, because I know I need one but I don't want to go to therapy, it's just something I don't want to do.
So...I'm 30 and I have low to no self esteem. Sometimes even I feel how awkward I may appear in social situations. Often times in my life I felt as if my welcome in some social circle fizzled out. Maybe I can't explain it well, but it would be almost as if I'm fine for some amount of time, but then I don't have the "brakes" to stop acting a certain way (or something) and then I feel as if I got on peoples nerves, or should I stay overstayed the welcome, so to speak.
I don't know if this has anything to do with parents, but if someone thinks it has, I can give you a quick rundown of my childhood. For now, I'll just say I grew up with parents separated (not divorced) in a same house (each on their own floor) and watching them constantly fight and bicker over anything, often putting me in a position to choose sides, eventually making it me being the part of "dad side" and my older sister being on "mother side", and in most of the situations, mom would have the last say when it came to arguing with dad.
I don't have true friends. The best way I can explain this is - if I was to marry tomorrow, I couldn't even think who my best man should or could be. That's pretty pathetic. I do know a lot of people on different levels of acquaintance. Some of them I know well, I've been to their houses, we went out a lot, we know some details about our family or love situations...but I never feel as if I'm a friend and I always think I get overly expressive and extroverted when I meet with them, who knows how I look to them, maybe desperate, I don't know.
So for starters before I go into more details, how is it possible to take care of these issues. Just to give you another example, when I go out of town for a trip, anywhere, I feel completely different, relaxed, outgoing, I want to meet with everyone. I usually am pretty good at conversing with strangers.
But this reminds me of my dad. He's great when it comes to making initial contact, but he messes it all up when things continue on. I watched him fall out with many of his buddies, as if he just wants to put people away, and then gets back into friendly mode...it's complex.
Anyway...is there a pattern or a common theme you guys see here? Is there a way I could change this? Thanks