Meh,

[Pippen Penelope Park]

Well, hello.

Another lonely person here.  Probably very mildly autistic, or something similar.  

42 year old male that's been a life long loner, although I have had two relationships.

Having a good time reading some of the posts, replying to a few, and learning what I can from reading others.

I've been depressed lately.  I quit my job in March, and have spent every day at home alone since then.  I am financially secure enough that I can barely get away with it, but I need to get another job in the next couple of months for sure.  



I hate being at work because of all the social interactions, but it's a necessity to keep on keeping on this shell of a life.  It doesn't really make a lot of sense, and I wonder why I keep going on, but I do.

The will to live is a hell of a thing.  I curse it.

Out here in sunny southern Utah.

Hi.

 

[Amelia]

Hey there, welcome to the forum. (Hope the next job is better for you)

 

[bleed_the_freak]

I know that thing about hating to work not because of the work but because of the people.

 

[HappyBread]

Heey welcome!! If you're seeking some form of change around here, you've come to the right place- we're all here to help in anyway that we can

I hate being at work because of all the social interactions, but it's a necessity to keep on keeping on this shell of a life. It doesn't really make a lot of sense, and I wonder why I keep going on, but I do.

I think it's clear that you've been through quite a lot of bs in life to get you being in the current state of mind. I'm sorry to hear that bud.

If you truly wish to see a positive change in your life though, my personal opinion is to get rid of the mindset that social interaction is a horrible experience. As you've mentioned, socializing is a necessity in life since we humans are social creatures. If you can reverse this mindset around to start loving to interact with new people?

You'll start to meet new people, learn about their stories, share your stories with them, make new friends and slowly, your life will be filled with people who do care about you as you guys start to invest time and effort on each other, doing the best in your efforts to give each other a reason to live too.

Oh my, imagine the possibilities! And hey- this forum thing is a good start if you ask me so again, welcome aboard!

To change your attitude on social interaction, you gotta figure out the reason to why you hate interacting in the first place.

It could have something to do with a personal bad experience in the past. Myself, I used to hate interacting with people because I had super low self esteem back in my teens. I was fat, I felt ugly and told myself that nobody would want to have anything to do with me and I truly believed that.

When I realized that I was doing it all to myself with my negative beliefs? I started taking action to change it and my life turned around. No kidding!

I used to hate interacting with people at work as well because I know for a fact that my workplace at the time are filled with A LOT of negative people who would backstab you when given a chance to rise in ranks themselves.

How did I deal with that? I avoided them and started seeking out other positive / similar minded people like me.
If the old are f'ed up? Seek out new ones. When there's a new colleague, I'd approach them first to make them feel welcome and at the same time, get to know them as I assess them lol.

Either way, I'm really glad you joined this forum because that meant you took action in your life to make things change. From the sound of it too, you're having fun as well, a good sign! Hope you really enjoy it here eh and stick around with us?

 

[Pippen Penelope Park]

Thanks Happy Bread.    That's a nice positive post to read.  Thanks for spending the time for the reply.
and thank you Amelia and Bleed the Freak for the welcome as well.

Yeah, you're right, and I don't disagree with you about how to bring about change.
It's a confusing thing to think about why I don't like to socialize, because deep down, I do want to.  It just doesn't compute with me.

I certainly have social anxiety, but I think that's more a symptom rather than a cause.  Something in me shuts down when I'm around people, not at first, but after a minute of conversation.  I can easily start conversations with people, and often do, but then regret starting them since my mind goes numb after a minute.  It just shuts down, and starts heading into a tunnel.  The longer I converse, the stronger the feeling of needing to escape.

Like I said, I am to the point where I am blaming a bit of it on an autism spectrum type of disorder, but that's purely my own self diagnosis.  My experience so far has been that the more social I am, and the more outgoing I try to be, the deeper I want to crawl into a cave when I get out of those situations.  Working produce at a grocery store for nine months made me withdraw more from society than anything I'd ever done before.  The constant interaction with people made me not want to see a another single human being for the rest of the day.
It's always been like that for me.  The more outgoing I try to be, the more withdrawn I become.  
Currently, I'm at my lowest point, I guess.  School was a nightmare too.  I begged my mom to let me stay home on a daily basis.  This started from grade school to my last day at high school.  I refused to go to my graduation, and stayed at home watching tv that day.

I alienated my family four years ago.  I've never had a friend in my life.  I've never felt like I could participate with other people in activities.....I'm a life long mountain biker.........that can't stand to mountain bike with other people.  It makes no sense.
Even sex, (I've only ever had two gf's), has always been awkward to me.  Even after being with the same person for years, it was always a strange act.  I enjoyed it, but it wasn't a relaxed feeling by any means, ever.  I think it's a big factor as to why I don't even want to get in another relationship with someone.  It's just so weird to me.

I've drank myself to sleep every night since about 2001, and found the joys of adding marijuana into it to make it even more sedative.  I don't dare try anything stronger since I'm already hooked on the other two.

I don't mean to be a negative Nelly (although this is a good place for it), but it is what it is.  
I'm going to be lonely.  That's that.  It's too deep in me.
That being said, I may have another partner, and there will be good times if that happens,
but I will still be lonely during the best of times.  That's just the way it is for some people, I think.  
Maybe it's self imposed from previous life experiences, or maybe I was born with it.  I can't tell anymore.  I'll admit to having had some bad experiences in childhood/life in general, but compared to a lot of other people's stories, it's nothing to complain about.

I'm not suicidal.  lol  I don't know why, haha.  (Not a laughing matter, I'm just trying to make light of my own pain on it.)
I've had two people ask me why I haven't committed suicide yet?  
Who the f asks someone that???????  These were people that knew me well, and I would almost say close to me.  They literally asked me that.  Ugh.

Anyway, thanks again.
I'll be lurking around occasionally, I'm sure.

 

[TheRealCallie]

You should think about going somewhere to get diagnosed. There are many things it could be that isn't autism. You should never self diagnose because there are so many things out there and it can be impossible to know what it actually is.
Until then, my advice would be to NOT label yourself, it doesn't get your anywhere and without a professional diagnosis it doesn't mean anything. Even when you get diagnosed, don't label yourself. Doesn't matter what you have, it matters what you do.

Anyway, welcome to he forum

 

[Pippen Penelope Park]

Thank you TheRealCallie,

Again, I am thankful for the responses. and again, the responses are correct. I don't disagree, and I'd give the same type of advice.

Getting a diagnosis or even going in just to talk to someone isn't something I'll do. I don't do that. lol I'm a very stubborn middle aged man/boy. lol Not saying it's not a good idea, just saying it's not something I'll do.

I really could care less what it's "called". I know the behaviour, I live with the behaviour, and for the most part I think I identify the (bad) behaviour fairly well. Changing the behaviour is doable, enjoying that change.......that's where a lot of people get lost and end back where they were.
Let me rock the boat a bit, and compare the social glitch to the gay glitch. I'm not seeing a lot of success stories about people with life long social phobias, nor do I see success stories of changing a gay person's desires to be with the same sex. We like what we like, and sometimes we don't like what we're programmed to like. Nature does some strange programming, but she's so consistent with it, that we can name it. She programs for a reason, although I don't have any clue as to what that reason is. Everything she does is for a reason. I'm going to include psychopaths, murderers, rapists, and child molesters in that bunch. I really don't think anyone of them aspired to be one of those, but they sure as honeysuckle seem to enjoy the hell out of the behaviour.........and I don't see them change. It's programmed in there.....

Once again......THANK YOU ALL,
I don't mean to be so all around negative about things, I'm just in more of a depressed mood than usual, and am getting some things off my chest. I don't typically introduce myself on sites, but this one seemed a little different in a good way, so I did. I'm glad I did.

 

[user 139760]

Well, hello.

Another lonely person here.  Probably very mildly autistic, or something similar.  

42 year old male that's been a life long loner, although I have had two relationships.

Having a good time reading some of the posts, replying to a few, and learning what I can from reading others.

I've been depressed lately.  I quit my job in March, and have spent every day at home alone since then.  I am financially secure enough that I can barely get away with it, but I need to get another job in the next couple of months for sure.  



I hate being at work because of all the social interactions, but it's a necessity to keep on keeping on this shell of a life.  It doesn't really make a lot of sense, and I wonder why I keep going on, but I do.

The will to live is a hell of a thing.  I curse it.

Out here in sunny southern Utah.

Hi.

****, I'm jealous lol.
First, of the six pack ;-) Next of UTAH! I've been in your neck of the woods a LOAD of years ago and let me tell you, that's one fine looking gorgeous neck of the country . If you want my advice, first off you should try and find yourself a job (I know I have, it's hard) that allows you to stick around in a lone cubicle all day and not get bothered without having the need to talk to anyone save by email lol. I wish I could do that, tried to find that, but ironically, the 80's would have been more to our tastes than now with all the "team building" horseshit lol.
Or, I don't know if your physical condition allows it, but if you're qualified, you should go back into construction. I wanted to do that but here you need a bunch of cards and licenses and stuff I don't have money for, but if you do, you know how good it is to work, I mean really WORK with your hands, so it might be worthwhile to look in that direction before you get to like, 65 or so lol (My dad was a fireman, he's 60 now and says he's starting to feel it, so in my mind, that's about the time the machine starts to go lol).

"Who the f asks someone that???????"
Morons, if you ask me. I don't know who those two people were but don't talk to them anymore lol.
Callie's suggestion of consulting is an idea, but also, in the meantime, if there's things to change in your life, you sound like a bright guy, you must know what they are without me stating them. Might be true you're mildly autistic, then again, might not be. Thing is, you have the choice to try and control it, or let it control you. My ex, very hypocondriac, had my youngest diagnosed as ADHD, now also on the spectrum of autism. Her son is. When I went to talk to the psychoeducator seeing her, I was told than both my ex and me had, quote, "ADHD or Autism symptoms". I asked her why I didn't have trouble functioning and how come I'm a relatively appreciated, well-mannered and nice individual. She spewed some horseshit about my father raising me to have "alternative control mechanisms" or I don't know what lol.
Point is...I have trouble with all this. I can understand some people are stricken, sometimes it's obvious. But it's not, necessairily, from what I understand, something you HAVE to live with; it's something you can change. I'd start with small things, taking a walk in a park, asking stranger random things. "Do you have the time?". "Isn't that a wonderful view!". "That's a very good book!", things of that nature (without trying to creep out lol. Sometimes I come off like that myself, but it takes about 5 mins for people to realize that's not the case).  I find random conversations like that might open up to good relationships, friends or otherwise. My last girlfriend I met by picking her off a flight of stairs and helping her up...after having have laughed for 5 minutes ;-)
Go to the library, go to a store, chat with the librarian, the cashier guy or girl, anyone really, little at first, then it becomes something. For the rest, yes, consulting wouldn't be a bad idea. With what I'm going through right now I joined a father's help group, it helps me and made me new friends. There ARE groups for lonely people, maybe it'll help you interact, give you a taste for it again? You'll find out.
Although...it'd be a good idea to be sober at the time, bro ;-)

Take care, welcome, and good luck, my friend!

 

[Pippen Penelope Park]

Richard, ah, yes, it is beautiful country out here where I'm at.  An outdoor lover's paradise.  Three hour drive to the Grand Canyon, a few to Bryce Canyon, an hour or so to Zion NP, an hour to Brian Head Ski Resort, two hours to Vegas/Lake Powell.........not to mention all of the stuff within literal walking distance of my front door.  I moved here so I could mountain bike from my front door.........world class trails three miles down the road from me.
It was a good/smart move.  (originally born in San Jose, CA)(had a house in the Sierra Nevadas for eight years before moving here)
Where did you visit when you came out?

Yup, you're right about getting a job!  haha  I know.  Since I moved here I can see that I'm "cycling" through a set of patterns every few years.  I get a job, something small irritates the hell out of me after I've established myself after a couple of years, and then I quit, vaporize/eat a bunch of pot and waste a lot of time, have what seems like anxiety/panic attacks from having too much fee time to think about ME AND MY PROBLEMS, and then finding a job and realizing how much better off I am with some responsibility in my life.
I know.........  It doesn't mean I like it.  I don't know how to like it.  That's the point.  How do you make a gay man like a woman?  Maybe a bad analogy, but it makes sense to me.  I can fake it all day long, I just can't figure out how to like it.  and the cycle repeats........that's where I'm at, and I see it for what it is.

Thank you, morons is a good word!  I might even choose a stronger word, lol.  One of them was a coworker back in CA, and the other was my dad.  hahahahahaha  Both times it was said in jest, but you know, I was kind of opening up about things, and then that comes out.  I laughed it up with them, but seeing as how I mention it, I know it's stuck with me.  I talk to nobody these days with exception to the occasional register person at a store, or rarely a neighbor here.  I honestly have shut everyone out for the last four years.  I communicate with no one.  

Change.  It's something I wonder about.  Can a gay person change?  I haven't seen good results from people attempting it, or having help with changing it.  I think there are parallels between these glitches in the brain.  Gay people can certainly choose to be with the opposite sex, it's completely within their control.  It's completely out of their control as to weather or not they are happy with that choice.  So I think most people who are "cured" fake it to comply/fit in.  I doubt they're fulfilled or happy with the choice, and I suspect they will "slip up" at some point.  Same for the other types I mentioned, but society can't tolerate violence or molestation (thankfully) so they get locked up.  I haven't seen much success in the rehabilitation of those other types either.  Society has tried, I believe, but the results are there to see for yourself.  It doesn't work.  I'm only saying what I'm seeing.
The thing I see most often, is people spewing bs that sounds good/enlightening.  It's almost the power of suggestion in a way.  People say it works, but the results say different most often.  People want it to work, people have good intentions for the most part, but the results are.........it doesn't work.  Maybe as we figure more about the wiring inside the brain and how it functions we will be able to help with some of the glitches (assuming someone wants help with their glitch).  
That's where I'm at.  Purely my opinion on the matter, and no offense to any child molesters.  (that was in very bad taste, sorry.)  


or.....just a sorry excuse not to try to change.  Probably the more likely of the two!  Bwahahaha

If I'm anything, I'm honest!

I used to live at the library growing up as a kid......and to this day, I still go to the library often.  Like I said, I find myself starting conversations all of the time.  I'm compelled to talk to people when I'm out and about.  It's just that the brain shuts down after a minute, and I'm not even kidding.  It's embarrassing, really.  When I'm in a checkout line, I'll jump into other people's conversations for a second.  I can't help myself!  It's hilarious!  (considering everything I've just said about myself)  Rarely will the conversation materialize into anything more than a few sentences, but if it does.....I end up blushing, getting incredibly tense, and need to get the hell out of there as soon as possible!  haha  I keep doing it though?  I'm laughing out loud right now.
I joined a meetup group a couple of years ago for mountain bikers.  Two rides was enough for me on that.  Ugh, it's just really unnatural for me to be around people it seems.  I can't like it?  I don't know why.

Gosh, I didn't mean for my introduction to be such a dramatic thread!  lol

Thank you for your words of wisdom, Richard.  I find that I'm compelled to be a contrarian to everything everyone throws at me at first....and then I eventually come to my senses and admit I'm wrong!  It's just this one thing has got such a grip on me.

Now, enjoy your late thirties......
I'm going to get a beer.  

 

[user 139760]

LOL I'm not going to write another novel like that again. That's one of my things I need to work on, stop writing novels LOL.
You can only change something is it's what you really want. I used to be a real bad person. I didn't want to be. So I changed. It was long, hard, like the movie says, "Sometimes they come back" but I'm happy to be who I am. I think anyone has the power to will himself to anything in life; it's just that very few actually do lol.
I know, I do the same. Devil's advocate. They say something I might say, I say the opposite so it gives me both sides of reflection lol. Then you end up thinking about both anyway. I kind of work like that to. I personally don't think that's obtuse or finding excuses. I think it's wisdom and you know more, in the end, than anyone else what you want to do with it. It's just a matter of wanting to enough and doing it slowly and slowly.

Wisdom? Debatable lol. You sound wiser than I am. Sometimes it just helps that someone picks up a flashlight and shines it in a different way than you are. It's like doing the floor. We both might be at it all day, we both might know what we're doing, but sometimes, if I glance over where your at, maybe I'll see a place where you didn't notice it was badly done because you've been in it all day, and vice versa. That's wisdom to me, it's just pointing out something you haven't seen by someone with different eyes. In that respect, you already know what you can do and how to do it more than I can point out ;-)

On that note, I'm going for a beer too. And it's YOUR FAULT lol.
Or, you know, you just might be the best you you can lol. I kind of get like that too now, whenever comes the time to talk to a woman. I can't say I'm particularly uncomfortable being alone, so maybe I'm "over it", in a way. Maybe I'm just made to stay single. I've reflected about that as well, more than once (while kicking ass in Diablo 3 ;-) ).
I don't know. For sure there's some things you can do, there'S ALWAYS some things any of us can do or change, it just needs you to want to do those.
Honestly, in your case, we sound pretty similar (except that I have a bad history with bikes, my mountains are uglier than your mountains and I'm growing to be more senile quicker than you are ;-) ) in the sense that I'd have trouble giving much advice with a sitdown. But honestly? You sound like the kind of guy I'd definetely enjoy hanging around with lol. I don't know what else to tell you. Kind of low of your dad of all people to say that to you, even in jest. Me and my dad screw around all the time too, but there are some things we wouldn't say to each other, even kidding. That's kind of one of them lol.

EDIT : Mid lenght novel, crap...I'm going to get fired someday for not working LOL

 

[Pippen Penelope Park]

Your novels are just fine by me. Your employer on the other hand.........

I agree, change is possible if you really want it.
Hmm, I just deleted something that made me a hypocrite. I really want to be social and have friends (it seems like I do want that anyway.
Why would I be here if that weren't the case?). It's depressing when you don't have them (evidence of this site, and others like it). At the same time, for me it seems, it isn't allowed? It's inexplicable unless you're dealing with the psychology of it. I feel as though I'm programmed to not want it, but I know nature has me here for it. Of the two scenarios, being social is the more desirable of the two. I know......
I know, I know, I know. I'm jealous of the social types. They seem like they have a lot more fun/experiences. Not seem, they do. They have a lot more drama as well (which I'm no fan of) but that's all part of it too, I think.
It is a struggle of logic to me. I go back and forth debating it in my own mind. It never gets resolved.
Yeah, devil's advocate sounds about right. Even though it's a pain in the ass debating yourself about yourself, it turns on light bulbs that might not have been there before. Getting a different (outsiders) point of view is always helpful as well, even though at first, it might be dismissed by me. I find I've come back to suggestions or ideas that at first seemed non applicable, or non reasonable at first. It's all part of growing as a person (I generally detest growing!).

As much as wisdom appeals to me, I have a lot of learning and experience to go through still before I'd ever say I had any. You've had more experience than me in life in general, and that certainly makes you the wiser of the two of us. I appreciate your comments. Now stop shining your light in my eyes, it's blinding me! :-/

You're cool Richard. If I were the type to hang out with people, I'd surely want to hang out with you as well.

Thanks again for the advice, and hopefully the beer, or the novel(s) didn't get you fired today!

 

[blessedby4]

Well, hello.

Another lonely person here.  Probably very mildly autistic, or something similar.  

42 year old male that's been a life long loner, although I have had two relationships.

Having a good time reading some of the posts, replying to a few, and learning what I can from reading others.

I've been depressed lately.  I quit my job in March, and have spent every day at home alone since then.  I am financially secure enough that I can barely get away with it, but I need to get another job in the next couple of months for sure.  



I hate being at work because of all the social interactions, but it's a necessity to keep on keeping on this shell of a life.  It doesn't really make a lot of sense, and I wonder why I keep going on, but I do.

The will to live is a hell of a thing.  I curse it.

Out here in sunny southern Utah.

Hi.

Charles Dickens once wrote No one is useless in this world who lightens the burdens of another.  When I focus on my own struggles, they seem only to become exacerbated.  Have you tried taking your mind off of your difficulties by making an intentional effort to help others in some way.  Sometimes doing for others may cause us to look upon our troubles with a different perspective.  Dickens may have been onto something, when he said helping others can cause our own difficulties to lighten.  I once read, Don’t grow weary of doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we don’t give up.

 

[Pippen Penelope Park]

Helping others,
great suggestion.

I've tried it, and I ended up resenting the fact that the people I've helped could have done it on their own.
It's probably just my perception of the situation, no denying it, but it's been my thought whenever I've done it.
I enjoy helping people in really small doses, at completely random times.  I'll go out of my way on to do it, and would say I do it when I see the need.  It feels good to help someone in need, ESPECIALLY when they weren't EXPECTING it.  
On a continual basis, there's no way.  

I've thought before that the reason people like me have issues regarding depression, and anxiety, etc. is because of too much self thought/self sorrow.  Certainly something I'm guilty of.  The more people you have in your life, particularly if they're depending on you, the more you're going to end up thinking about them, and less about yourself.  It makes perfect sense.

I should try to volunteer for something again.  It's just I have so many unfinished projects of my own!!!!!

Thanks again for the suggestion.

The answer isn't the problem for me.  It's knowing how to get to the answer.  I haven't liked being around people, ever.  So just injecting myself around them isn't the solution.

 

[Meaw]

Welcome, Penelope, I hope your time on the forum will be fine

 

[MisterLonely]

Hello and welcome to ALL!

I'll keep it to that simple hello since by now you've already had a great welcome by so many! I like to say hello to every new member but have been away for some time, so I have catching up to do