Depressedology
Well-known member
my birthday in the next few days. I'm turning 23 and I'm still virgin... never a gf, bf, been kissed, hugged, or crapped upon.
looking back how I always tried to lose my virginity or get close to have a partner is disturbing. for 23 yrs, that private part of mine has been nothing but a trouble for me, and a source of depression on top of my loneliness.
ever as I could remember at the age of 9, where I felt sexual and wanted to have sex with one of my classmates. I remember the shy attempts I was making. Fast-forward to age of 15 when this incident that I can't forget took place... I wrote a very sweet-gentle-loving poem to one of my classmates, typed it by computer, with all beautiful words and frames, my name at bottom, then I put it in her desk at school to see the next day. What did she do? She gave it to the principle as a sexual harassment. Now here's what I still can't stand till this day. I was very nice to her as friend, and I was very close to her even just few days before. I even gave her a present, it was set of equipments of an act I was doing for school that she implied that she liked, and I was "really, you can have them!". so it was not a freaky out-of-no-where move at all. I cried in the office, in front of the principle and her to get away from it without telling my parents or a sexual harassment charge. She smiled when I was crying, like.. 'now-I'm-satisfied smile' ..[What a B!tch!!]. you can imagine the emotions' flow of what I got, before what I expected after putting down the paper in her desk. man, I thought she would bring me a letter back. I thought I would get a surprise kiss. huuh, I got a scandal out, because the ***** couldn't just not tell everyone; I just found out by two close friends who told me "hey, you don't know that everybody knows about that" ... that cut me deep. that was the first of its series: 'Open your heart to get stabbed.' she really did.
I learned with days, to die with secrets. I'm either bad with choosing who to open to, or when. experience been painful, since then, I became 10 times more reluctant to ever make a move. In the same year, I got raped under gun point, for over 10 months abusive series. that's a whole another story to talk about, I won't go now into it. but what happened is that I once told the story to one of my 'friends', then he spread it to others and I told him to swear it's a secret. well, that was the last lesson I had to learn in "die with your secrets" chapter. I'd rather spell them on paper and burn it, on random internet blogs and forget about them, but that can't really bring peace, or get you a virtual hug off the screen. .. ah,, it's just never in person.
Just the same story of that girl, happened it college, but difference is, I would never put any poem in her desk again. I think the poem is still in my hand. one after another, and I won't dare to step in any trap. If one word could describe what I became after my rape incident, then it's 'cautious'.. very cautious, too cautious?
To see how from age of 9 till now.. been 14 years of sexual confinement,... wishing.. and I see beautiful. never anything than seeing. I'm normal, and I'm begging for a girlfriend. chuppy, stupid, evil.. I was never picky. honeysuckle, I even thought of turning gay just that it might have better chance to get laid.
I remember my last birthday like it was yesterday. I can tell what i did from the moment i woke up on it. and everyday's been similar since. so... 356 days... period from 22 - 23, definitely been the worst of my life time. is that now, or is it that life getting shittier as it goes on?
It's a lonely christmas, but merry christmas everybody. sorry for the long talk... <3
looking back how I always tried to lose my virginity or get close to have a partner is disturbing. for 23 yrs, that private part of mine has been nothing but a trouble for me, and a source of depression on top of my loneliness.
ever as I could remember at the age of 9, where I felt sexual and wanted to have sex with one of my classmates. I remember the shy attempts I was making. Fast-forward to age of 15 when this incident that I can't forget took place... I wrote a very sweet-gentle-loving poem to one of my classmates, typed it by computer, with all beautiful words and frames, my name at bottom, then I put it in her desk at school to see the next day. What did she do? She gave it to the principle as a sexual harassment. Now here's what I still can't stand till this day. I was very nice to her as friend, and I was very close to her even just few days before. I even gave her a present, it was set of equipments of an act I was doing for school that she implied that she liked, and I was "really, you can have them!". so it was not a freaky out-of-no-where move at all. I cried in the office, in front of the principle and her to get away from it without telling my parents or a sexual harassment charge. She smiled when I was crying, like.. 'now-I'm-satisfied smile' ..[What a B!tch!!]. you can imagine the emotions' flow of what I got, before what I expected after putting down the paper in her desk. man, I thought she would bring me a letter back. I thought I would get a surprise kiss. huuh, I got a scandal out, because the ***** couldn't just not tell everyone; I just found out by two close friends who told me "hey, you don't know that everybody knows about that" ... that cut me deep. that was the first of its series: 'Open your heart to get stabbed.' she really did.
I learned with days, to die with secrets. I'm either bad with choosing who to open to, or when. experience been painful, since then, I became 10 times more reluctant to ever make a move. In the same year, I got raped under gun point, for over 10 months abusive series. that's a whole another story to talk about, I won't go now into it. but what happened is that I once told the story to one of my 'friends', then he spread it to others and I told him to swear it's a secret. well, that was the last lesson I had to learn in "die with your secrets" chapter. I'd rather spell them on paper and burn it, on random internet blogs and forget about them, but that can't really bring peace, or get you a virtual hug off the screen. .. ah,, it's just never in person.
Just the same story of that girl, happened it college, but difference is, I would never put any poem in her desk again. I think the poem is still in my hand. one after another, and I won't dare to step in any trap. If one word could describe what I became after my rape incident, then it's 'cautious'.. very cautious, too cautious?
To see how from age of 9 till now.. been 14 years of sexual confinement,... wishing.. and I see beautiful. never anything than seeing. I'm normal, and I'm begging for a girlfriend. chuppy, stupid, evil.. I was never picky. honeysuckle, I even thought of turning gay just that it might have better chance to get laid.
I remember my last birthday like it was yesterday. I can tell what i did from the moment i woke up on it. and everyday's been similar since. so... 356 days... period from 22 - 23, definitely been the worst of my life time. is that now, or is it that life getting shittier as it goes on?
It's a lonely christmas, but merry christmas everybody. sorry for the long talk... <3
