LoneHistoric
Active member
- Joined
- Sep 30, 2011
- Messages
- 29
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I am just venting here. I am very self-aware. I am a weird guy and it rubs people the wrong way. I have some internal mental handicaps which have been over-diagnosed and misdiagnosed, but I have my own coping mechanisms and consciously try every day to improve and live a healthy, happy life. It’s not easy. I do not seek pity, do not think I am a victim, and never want to be viewed as some kind of hero or role model (all of the above completely disgust me). But the reality is that some life experiences (and maybe something biological) screwed me up just enough to sincerely knock something loose, and the addition of some substance abuse problems exacerbated the issue - which among many things includes forming and maintaining relationships, whether intimate or not.
Overall I am doing OK, but recent occurrences have me seriously questioning my condition, and the work I have done to maintain my mental health. I do not have to go into detail, but I am struggling to determine what is real and what is created within my mind. Einstein once said something like, God made coincidences to remain anonymous, which is particularly amusing to me because I rarely believe either exists. Rarely, not never. And due to my over-analytical nature and intermittent inability to blind my mind’s eye or quiet my ear’s voice, I fear I am too frequently powerless to properly determine what is paranoia, coincidence, or overt reality. I can ignore everything, but then I do not make real connections with humans. But when I pay attention, I sense everything so vividly it is impossible to interpret. I see, hear, feel and smell everything with such acuteness and I cannot filter the stimuli. It is complete focus, ignoring everything around, or absorbing so much that it becomes surreal. There is no happy medium.
So most of the time I choose to just ignore everything, but this misleads other people into believing I am arrogant, clueless, insensitive, or purposefully rude and uncooperative. Unfortunately when I try to open up my heart and mind to people, I don’t know exactly how to do it so this also fails to help me connect, form trust, and cultivate any kind of healthy relationship. It’s all much worse when I cannot explain to people that I mean no harm or ill-will on anyone, and want to learn to exist in harmony with other human beings. If I figuratively walk on egg shells to constantly beware of offending or making mistakes, my work and life will suffer. But if I am not careful, my usual oblivious but self-motivated drive may result in something worse. I must learn, I desperately want to learn, I painstakingly try to learn. But I am tired. Thanks for letting me get this out of my head.
Overall I am doing OK, but recent occurrences have me seriously questioning my condition, and the work I have done to maintain my mental health. I do not have to go into detail, but I am struggling to determine what is real and what is created within my mind. Einstein once said something like, God made coincidences to remain anonymous, which is particularly amusing to me because I rarely believe either exists. Rarely, not never. And due to my over-analytical nature and intermittent inability to blind my mind’s eye or quiet my ear’s voice, I fear I am too frequently powerless to properly determine what is paranoia, coincidence, or overt reality. I can ignore everything, but then I do not make real connections with humans. But when I pay attention, I sense everything so vividly it is impossible to interpret. I see, hear, feel and smell everything with such acuteness and I cannot filter the stimuli. It is complete focus, ignoring everything around, or absorbing so much that it becomes surreal. There is no happy medium.
So most of the time I choose to just ignore everything, but this misleads other people into believing I am arrogant, clueless, insensitive, or purposefully rude and uncooperative. Unfortunately when I try to open up my heart and mind to people, I don’t know exactly how to do it so this also fails to help me connect, form trust, and cultivate any kind of healthy relationship. It’s all much worse when I cannot explain to people that I mean no harm or ill-will on anyone, and want to learn to exist in harmony with other human beings. If I figuratively walk on egg shells to constantly beware of offending or making mistakes, my work and life will suffer. But if I am not careful, my usual oblivious but self-motivated drive may result in something worse. I must learn, I desperately want to learn, I painstakingly try to learn. But I am tired. Thanks for letting me get this out of my head.