Might be breaking up

[Phaedron]

We fell in love around december last year. I came to visit her in Michigan for a while, then she came to stay with me for a year. Well it was a pretty lazy year, mainly filled with being in love and entertaining ourselves. Finally we arranged for her to return home for a month to visit her family as she missed them very much. We both knew she would be back, but now she suddenly won't come back.

I feel betrayed, left out, and unloved, but she barely acknowledges this and even hung up when I told her. I mean we meant from being this close, to practically nothing in a second.

But heres the kicker: she doesn't want to break up, she just won't come back to me. She feels she is doing what is best for her. I asked her then to come back just for a month or so and I would feel less betrayed, she said shes considering it, but I doubt it will happen. Being back here again could make the decision harder as we would be all cozy and in each others arms again.

I find this situation very confusing. I asked and she said she would stay with me if I got an apartment in Michigan, but this would be a really big step for me. I live at home and had to deal with the tragedy of losing both my mother and father during highschool. I became depressed. I do have a highschool diploma, but I goofed off the whole time and got pretty lousy grades, and I haven't really worked much.

I live with my step grandfather and don't know what kind of job I could really get. I've been missing her so much while she was gone and waiting for her to come back. I haven't been coping with missing her very well, so I have fears that a sudden long distance relationship after being so close won't work. It might be better on me emotionally to break up and try to forget about her, but thats not what either of us wants.

Maybe I could move to Michigan (I live in Arizona) but my grandfather wants to move to Philly (and to be honest didn't even know about me being involved with someone. Shes not the kind of girl he would like either.)
So if I do move it would mean moving out on my own.

Additionally, this month ahs been hard. My best friend moved out of state to Iowa after his family broke up. Im suddenly all alone and I feel like shes broken my heart and doesn't care. So I don't even know if its worth it or not, but on the other hand she is overweight and got even worse here with me. She wants to try and do whats best for her and maybe that does mean leaving me and moving on.

She used to agree with me that if we ever broke up neither of us would ever want anyone else or love ever again. I have said constantly that its okay if she didn't feel that way, I wanted to make it absolutely clear that I did, it was not just some romantic pillow talk.

Now she believes that both of us could find someone new if that happens, or seems to. Something she said seemed to indicate that but I don't know for sure.

And some things seem like bold faced lies. When we were involved she spoke of going to college only a few times, but now it is apparantly her "lifelong dream" and I was supposed to know this and not even be surprised that this happened.

Shes also bi-polar, slightly manic, and has been abused as a child. We both had very sad lives, and now its like we didn't even meet. Her sister is mad at me because she gained weight. Yeah she hates my guts and thinks everything I say is just a lie, but then she also hates actual love and just indulges herself in casual sex, threesomes, etc. She'll plainly admit this, its like an insult or anything.

I just don't know what to do. She stays still loves me, but I just don't know if the love is there anymore. I feel I can't trust her to stick with important plans, thats for sure.

 

[Despair]

Maybe she doesn't want to breakup until shes found someone else, or maybe breaking up would be too painful. If she would sooner break up then return, even for a while, maybe something has already gone wrong. Maybe she wants the burden of breaking up to be on you, and if you don't maybe you'll just wind up pretending to be lovers while she has fun with others.

Sry if that sounded offensive or insensitive.

 

[Remedy]

I'm really sorry to hear that you have gone through such a rough time in your life and I wish I had the answers but I don't. One thing I can tell you though is don't listen to anything her sister has to say. She hates actual love like you said so she doesn't understand what you are feeling at all.

She probably does not understand what it means to actually be in love so you should not listen to what she has to say. I know it hurts and is rather hard but really try and ignore it.

If she is Bi-polar than yes it should be quite hard to deal with. She might have so many changes to her emotional state that she can't make up her mind on what she wants to do. I might be wrong but I'm just trying to help.

I'm really sure that she does care for you but might just be confused. If she was abused as a child maybe she has a tendency to push people away I don't know. That combination can probably be quite problematic. I really hope for the best and I Just hope you guys can work through this so you can both be happy.

 

[Phaedron]

Yeah that sounds like her. I think maybe if she won't come back on the bus like we agreed I might offer to fly out there so we can be with each other in person. I get along with her mother pretty well, and her bf, but I know her sister and a few others will be mad at me.

Being together physically should bring me the answers I need, but if she even refuses to do that Im probably going to end it, or at least assume it is over and start ignoring her until she ends it.

 

[Badjedidude]

So if I do move it would mean moving out on my own.

Go for it. But before you do, make SURE that she wants it to be a long-term thing. It would suck balls if you made such a big move and then found out that she was just trying to move on.

----Steve

 

[Phaedron]

Well we haven't broken up, but she is not coming back to me and our communication has basically ceased to exist. Basically we're fine for each when it comes to love, but now is a time when she doesn't need love, she is trying to do something else with her life. I am also not going to move to her; she seems less and less sure about being with me if I do so now Im not bringing it up unless its what she wants.

Frankly I don't know what shes thinking. I am certain it's not a breakup, but one could eventually come as a result of a relationship with no communication that is completely put on hold. Whatever shes going through, its more important then being happy together.

So basically we're moving on with our lives. A relationship brings with it a lot of issues to coordinate and work through. Many people would look for someone new at this point, but its more trouble then its worth, hopefully for both of us.

She was once the keeper of my heart... Now I have no heart, I seek a serene state without emotion. You can't depend on anything that isn't inside yourself, just expect and accept that it will betray you eventually. If we do spend time together again, I won't let her love reach me like it did before. She'll know she hurt me and that some wounds take forever or never fully heal. This is true even if the result of what we're doing now makes our situation better in the long run.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Well we haven't broken up, but she is not coming back to me and our communication has basically ceased to exist. Basically we're fine for each when it comes to love, but now is a time when she doesn't need love, she is trying to do something else with her life. I am also not going to move to her; she seems less and less sure about being with me if I do so now Im not bringing it up unless its what she wants.

Frankly I don't know what shes thinking. I am certain it's not a breakup, but one could eventually come as a result of a relationship with no communication that is completely put on hold. Whatever shes going through, its more important then being happy together.

So basically we're moving on with our lives. A relationship brings with it a lot of issues to coordinate and work through. Many people would look for someone new at this point, but its more trouble then its worth, hopefully for both of us.

She was once the keeper of my heart... Now I have no heart, I seek a serene state without emotion. You can't depend on anything that isn't inside yourself, just expect and accept that it will betray you eventually. If we do spend time together again, I won't let her love reach me like it did before. She'll know she hurt me and that some wounds take forever or never fully heal. This is true even if the result of what we're doing now makes our situation better in the long run.

she wants you and her to have your own place and your own life.
It's not all about you. She already stepped out of her comfortzone
by moving to you. She's not asking you to do anything that she
hasn't done herself. The ball is pretty much in your court...
Getting your own place or appartment to live. She's not asking
for much. Any woman would ask for the same. it's not like she's
telling you..you have to be a billionair to be with her...just your
own place in michican so you both can start a life together or
take the relationship to the next level. If you can't get over
these fears or step out of your comfortzone...it will also show in
other aspect of your life.
As much as she loves you...she can't lose herself in the relationship.
It's not healthy to lose yourself...via relationships, career, drug abuse,
freindship or saving the world.

what do you mean....growing pains?

whatever decision you make...do not beat up on yourself or her.
Remember the good times you got to share with her.

 

[Phaedron]

I hope you're right, lonesome Crow, cause as it stands now she won't even be with me if I do get my own place. If it were just her asking this of me that would be fine. No Im afraid she really doesnt know if she wants me anymore.

If moving out is her terms I would gladly follow them. If anyone reading this feels sorry for us, then pray or imagine us together somewhere.

When we first met we talked all the time, now even calling her once a day is too much. She flat out told me today to stop calling and give her time to think. So thats it, I give up. I have nothing else to say unless she contacts me.

 

[Badjedidude]

No Im afraid she really doesnt know if she wants me anymore.

I replied to this situation in another thread as well, but I guess I'll do it here too.

I think that despite what she may have told you, she's making it very clear that IT'S OVER. She's moved away, she rarely speaks to you, she wants "time to think"....etc etc etc. To me that just seems like an obvious goodbye sign, but then I don't know either you or her.

I wish you well in this situation.

----Steve

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Don't trip Catharsis..It's a long term relationship.
Chelle dose the samething to me. It used to drive me crazy.
The first time she did that...It confussed the honeysuckle out of me.
I spoke to my sponsor about it...
He said to give it at least 72 hours...
Within 72 hours she called me.lol

She has also told me pretty much the samething.
I'm also in a simular situation as you are...

I've taken steps to get my own place. The unemployment rate is fucken sky high where I live ..average 30%
However...I've found a job inspite of it all. I love her very much...so god help me.
I don't have the answers or know everything. One thing I do know is...I love her very much.

She still talks or contact me today. I spoke to her last night as a matter of fact. I know she loves me and I'm keeping simple like that.
I'm putting one foot in front of the other doing whats in front me and turn everything over/ let go.
I'm staying positive. I ma get a freaken lemmon juice crusher thing of ma roo no matter what it takes (it's an inside joke of me having my own place.)
I'm doing the best that I can and all that I can at the moment...so god help me. The ball is in my court.
When I get my own place..well, then she better make up her fucken mind and make a decision.
I'm moving on with my life with or without her.

 

[Phaedron]

You and I in the same situation; the universe really does have a sense of humor. You might not remember me, but a year ago we argued a lot in various threads... I apologize for any unpleasantness on my part.

I think the best advice I've read so far is to not constantly call her, harass her, beg her, etc etc etc. Just let it go and wait till she wants you. I'm feeling serene and optimistic today. I've been so incredibly emotional and moody lately that the tiniest thing can upset everything. Lately I've been trying to stay out of the room. It reminds me too much of her right now, although sometimes that a good thing, sometimes haunts the honeysuckle out of me.

Also, badjedidude: you're message is realistic, but it's not like I didn't know or fear this. The truth is sometimes I'm happier being optimistic and sometimes I need to tell myself its going nowhere to get through the day. If I were in your shoes I'd prolly be making the same observation though.

Something you should know about us; neither of us have ever been in a serious long term relationship before and we're not the type of people that are constantly playing the field and indulging ourselves in this kind of drama. Viewing this as a breakup simply doesn't make sense to me. It was ill planned, and she is the type of person that would be direct with me. It's hard to accept, but right now shes trying to make positive changes in her life, and after a year of no contact, care for her family.

I find it impulsive, inconsiderate, and rude to suddenly put our relationship on the back burner, but it is a constant theme in her life. During the year she spent with me her best friend felt completely abandoned. That is what she does to people, but she doesn't mean to hurt them and eventually makes it up to them. Her friends, family, and me are all pretty much in a big tug of war over competing for her time and attention and while I am the one who craves it the most, I had her all to myself for a long time.

What I resent is the lack of coordination and respect. In fact she simply flat out refuses to make any promises anymore about anything. She does things on a whim and is impossible to plan with, and consistently lets down anyone with expectations. In fact before she left on this "so called vacation" of hers, she wanted me to extend the tickets for a few more weeks. In other words she would have told everyone who was anxious and expecting to see her that it would be delayed. She only thinks of herself in this regard.

My mistake was in thinking she held me in any higher regard. I have to accept that her friends and family mean as much to her as I do, they are merely different kind of relationship. A lot of times girls tend to be closer to their friends and families then guys, as well as more openly affectionate. I know she means well and I know she didn't intend to hurt anyone. I am going to be supportive and wait to see what happens.

I have even spoken with a couple of psychics and they all told me she loves me and will come back, eventually.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

yes I remember...me too.

Chelle feels the same way. She's ALWAYS felt torn between her family, friends and loving me.

I pretty much made a vow or commitment to myself to not destroy our relationship.
I said and did a lot of things in the past that hurted her because I over reacted.
All that did was push her further from me. I came real close to doing it again this time.
I feel pretty much the same as you do sometimes...that why I have to keep it simple.
"I know she loves me." She tells me and she was the one that reached out to me.
IT'S ALL THE SAME to me....


btw...it's all the same and always are songs. Chelle turn me on to always
[youtube]S3_x3ci49Mk[/youtube]
[youtube]cs72v-2zjsg[/youtube]

 

[Aedammair]

It sounds to me that your girl is giving you a challenge. Her family may be pressuring her to split with you because they don't think your worth it. She's giving you a challenge to prove them wrong. Clean up, get a job, and go for it. No girl wants to have a spouse who can't support her. I know you may not be thinking about it but in the back of most girls' minds are the dream that their boyfriend is going to marry them someday.
If you think this girl is worth it go for it. If you're not willing to put yourself out there and try to prove once and for all that you can take care of her then I suggest you break it off. You can't stay a kid forever. Trust me I'm trying to get over being a kid myself. Its tough. Life sucks. So do taxes. You have to face down every challenge, ever sassy boss, every belittling parent. But that's life. You want the girl? GO GET HER.


Choice is yours man. Hope I haven't appeared harsh.

Aedammair

 

[Phaedron]

We're talking again and things seem to have gotten a lot better. We still love each other very much and it seems my moving out there really is the way to go, BUT:

She is very focused on her health and going to college (currently working on her GED). She is independent and wants to make it on her own. She's a bit afraid the relationship will be distracting, and something like having an argument the night before a major test could make it hard to focus on the test. And there is a chance she might have to move out of state for the college. She doesn't want me to go out there for nothing, but it's my risk to make. She is not involved with anyone else or looking for someone new. It was her first serious relationship, she just doesn't want a lot of drama distracting her.

I've decided to be supportive. I am offering to go there, and she can spend as much or little time as she wants with me. She wants to make it or strike out on her own, so I will neither help her with homework or hinder her with drama. I have gotten over all the negative feelings I had. I'm just going to be the best boyfriend I can be.

So here's hoping it all works out. We both love each other, it would be a shame for her to settle for nothing because of work. She is still thinking things through, but our conversations are warm and we say "I love you" all the time. It's just a rough time for us. If you're reading this and are spiritual I would appreciate any prayers on our behalf. I'll take as much luck as I can get.

 

[shells]

I hope you don't get offended by me saying this, but from what you've told us -- it sounds like she isn't willing to compromise at all. It doesn't seem fair that she isn't even willing talking this thing through with you. While I do admire your dedication to working on the relationship, it appears she doesn't care if you stay or go.

Communication is essential in relationships. Even if the communication isn't always what we'd like to hear, it has to happen so everyone is on the same page. From what I've read and understand, it seems like she's making plans and leaving you completely out of them. This gives her all of the control and leaves you feeling lost and confused to pick up the pieces. That doesn't sound right at all.

Anyway, you know her and your relationship best. I just thought I would add my own thoughts, as useless as they might be.

I wish the best of luck for the two of you! Stay strong.

 

[Phaedron]

Yeah, that's pretty much how it is. I objected and was very negative at first, that approach really made things bad. We have since talked about this thing and a lot of other things, but the fact remains she is trying to lose weight and make a life for herself, a life which I am not much part of. We are talking every day now at least.

The sad thing is I will go along with almost anything at this point and cling to the hope she will appreciate my devotion. I'm afraid to say anything negative, but I do plan to have a deeper heart to heart talk about how much she hurt me next time we're together in person.

Me and my grandfather are working on selling the house and moving to Philly. I've decided not to go to Michigan. We both knew this relationship would entail long distance travel from the very beginning, but I had thought she would just stay and build a life with me. She said we have been taking things too fast, but it's hard to go back to long distance when we've been to such a deeper more intimate level.

She was never asking me to go there, though she was excited when I thought we would move there, but my grandfather is set on Philly and he is the only company I have. Lately loneliness is driving me insane. I can't see going there and then only spending a few hours a day with her and the rest alone. Also, she lives in a small town with very little job opportunities. She is likely moving out of state when it comes time for college anyway.

I don't understand women. I had a hard enough time finding one who related to me and loved me, and it was such a great year. It did have it's arguments, but they were few and far in between. Still I learned a lot about the complexities involved in a relationship and the efforts that must be made.

If this relationship doesn't work out I can't see myself ever getting into another one. You open your heart to someone, share everything with them, one moment its fine, the next you're yesterdays news and they want something else out of life and don't seem to care. I feel like I could never really trust anyone again, not even her. I am having to learn how to love someone, and enjoy their company, without ever being able to rely on them for true happiness. I'll do my best with this one, but I see falling in love again to be a lot more trouble then it's worth. I try my best, but maybe I'm not really cut out for relationships.

Nothing is fun anymore, so I'd might as well just work all the time. After sharing every game, every show, every fun thing with her it just isn't fun to do alone. I went from having 100% of her attention to having 1%. She has a big family and lots of friends, whereas I am alone. I really miss having a family, but mine have all died.

She does love me, and I know she didn't intend to hurt me. In a way knowing I have found someone out there who loves me is also a source of strength and motivating me to do more with my life. When we were together all the time there were some things I just stopped doing. I am a writer and a programmer. Both are very quiet hobbies I cannot stand to do if I'm not alone.

She loves me now, but she could eventually decide to ditch me, perhaps after meeting someone else in college. I'm not too worried though. One of the ways in which we related was that neither of us had had a serious relationship before and we both only had 3 sexual encounters in our lives. When we finally met in person and I found out she was 400 pounds and wore glasses I was happy she had been alone like me and figured I wouldn't have to worry about this kind of drama. Now don't get me wrong, I find her beautiful and have never had any problem with her weight, but we both oppose it on the grounds that it is dangerously unhealthy for her.

I'm not going to be negative and make talking to me an experience that brings her down. On the contrary I will be loving and supportive all the way and if she decides to break up with me I won't give her any good reason to do so. No clear conscience about that, it is bad karma and will probably fate her to meet a guy who won't buy her honeysuckle, and eventually dumps her. Loving me is NOT a good way to prepare for having a typical relationship. I have my faults, but I know I have a lot to offer. I'm loving, supportive, fun, and devoted. I'm a one in a million kind of guy and I'm as far from typical as you can get.

Anyway, I love her. Oddly enough I find myself happy whenever she calls me and does her part in keeping the flame of our love alive. I appreciate it more because it always takes me by surprise. Truly when you get to a point that you expect nothing but honeysuckle from someone, there is unexpected happiness whenever they do good. I seem angry, but really I'm just disappointed. I need to stop being TOO nice for my own good though, as every single person who has ever been a friend in my life has eventually taken advantage of me. Oh I'll be very loving, but I won't be spending tons of money on her like I did before. Money she didn't ask me to spend to begin with.