constant stranger
Well-known member
I struggle against the expectation of inevitable misfortune. That no matter what I do, something bad will manifest itself. Been like that all my life.
The term self fulfilling prophecy occurs to me, also victim mentality. Fair enough, so I think ahead, learn from my mistakes, try to do better.....and with some success.
But.....there always to seem a "but".....I have not ever enjoyed my life.....maybe for a week or two, here and there.....but pleasure always leaves too early and the awkward, blundering mistakes happen and suffering ensues again.
All my life I've been the family servant, the youngest boy, the one who does the dirty work, who cleans up other peoples' messes, the sympathetic ear who listens to their complaints, the cook, the errand boy. And for what? Dad tolerated me, like the 'bad penny' that always turns up. Probably 'cause I was doing his job. Then there were two older brothers who arranged to leave home for grandma's house and boarding school....THEY escaped.
And me? I chose to accept the caregiver role, looking after my mood disordered mother, which I still do. And for 40 years, dad expressed contempt for me. Which I lived with.
Well nobody ever looked after me. And I have some mood swing issues too. To say nothing of getting sick and tired of this whole ******* mess.
Bit of a rant I'm doing here. So be it.
The term self fulfilling prophecy occurs to me, also victim mentality. Fair enough, so I think ahead, learn from my mistakes, try to do better.....and with some success.
But.....there always to seem a "but".....I have not ever enjoyed my life.....maybe for a week or two, here and there.....but pleasure always leaves too early and the awkward, blundering mistakes happen and suffering ensues again.
All my life I've been the family servant, the youngest boy, the one who does the dirty work, who cleans up other peoples' messes, the sympathetic ear who listens to their complaints, the cook, the errand boy. And for what? Dad tolerated me, like the 'bad penny' that always turns up. Probably 'cause I was doing his job. Then there were two older brothers who arranged to leave home for grandma's house and boarding school....THEY escaped.
And me? I chose to accept the caregiver role, looking after my mood disordered mother, which I still do. And for 40 years, dad expressed contempt for me. Which I lived with.
Well nobody ever looked after me. And I have some mood swing issues too. To say nothing of getting sick and tired of this whole ******* mess.
Bit of a rant I'm doing here. So be it.