Moody Blues
Member
Hey guys, it's been a while since I've been here. It's almost as if I'm showing up for the first time all over again. 
I'm sorry to do this, but I have to burden you with a moody rant. I really have no one to open up to about this. I know I shouldn't, but holding my emotions in has taken its toll on me.
Anyway, the biggest thing going on in my life recently has been me trying to be more social. But after the past couple of weeks... I wish I hadn't even bothered. What little self-esteem I had left's been executed through murder by napalm.
Ever since I started hanging out with my classmates at school, I've always felt insignificant whenever they talk about the things going on in their life. You know, parties they went to, their boyfriends and girlfriends, typical college things. None of which I've experienced. But as of late, it's like everyone's been rubbing it in my face that I'm an absolute social failure. I don't hang out with anyone outside of school, I don't talk, and I've never had a girlfriend. I sound boring to most people. I get it. I mean, I (probably) could deal with the fact, but with the embarrassment I feel when people find out those facts, I can do without people pouring salt in my wounds.
On top of that, the girl I had feelings for is always mentioning her boyfriend, and I'm at the point where my hate for that *******'s reached new levels. I'm being stupid, I know. I haven't been the kindest to her lately either, and I know I'm in the wrong. I haven't done anything extreme like call her out of her name or anything, I've just been very moody around her and pushing her away from me. She doesn't seem to have any hard feelings about it, but we haven't been talking as much as we usually do... I hope she'll forgive me in the end...
Man, talk about being immature and childish. I can't believe I've come to this...
It's just that it still hurts that I never got my chance to ask her out. Granted, she probably would've rejected me because she doesn't date people of both my races (I'm mixed), which is another dagger among the millions in my heart, but I wanted to at least have the experience of asking out a girl. The fact that I missed out on that is humiliating.
I can't believe how socially incompetent I've grown up to become. It's shot down my self-esteem to the point where I'm just not happy with anything anymore. I can't concentrate in school and I can't enjoy anything without thoughts of negativity corrupting me. It's been one hell of an emotional hell, so to speak.
I feel so behind in life compared to others. I'm 20 going on 21 in a couple of weeks and I've got nothing to show for it... "Greatest years of my life"? Yeah, sure. I'm not sure how grand a life of social isolation is, but whatever...
...
Hey, I'm sorry for the negative tone of this post. I'm really trying to stay positive about all of this, but when you've been waiting in the dark for dawn to come for so long, you tend to wonder if you'll ever see the sun rise again...
I'm sorry to do this, but I have to burden you with a moody rant. I really have no one to open up to about this. I know I shouldn't, but holding my emotions in has taken its toll on me.Anyway, the biggest thing going on in my life recently has been me trying to be more social. But after the past couple of weeks... I wish I hadn't even bothered. What little self-esteem I had left's been executed through murder by napalm.
Ever since I started hanging out with my classmates at school, I've always felt insignificant whenever they talk about the things going on in their life. You know, parties they went to, their boyfriends and girlfriends, typical college things. None of which I've experienced. But as of late, it's like everyone's been rubbing it in my face that I'm an absolute social failure. I don't hang out with anyone outside of school, I don't talk, and I've never had a girlfriend. I sound boring to most people. I get it. I mean, I (probably) could deal with the fact, but with the embarrassment I feel when people find out those facts, I can do without people pouring salt in my wounds.
On top of that, the girl I had feelings for is always mentioning her boyfriend, and I'm at the point where my hate for that *******'s reached new levels. I'm being stupid, I know.
I haven't been the kindest to her lately either, and I know I'm in the wrong. I haven't done anything extreme like call her out of her name or anything, I've just been very moody around her and pushing her away from me. She doesn't seem to have any hard feelings about it, but we haven't been talking as much as we usually do... I hope she'll forgive me in the end...Man, talk about being immature and childish. I can't believe I've come to this...
It's just that it still hurts that I never got my chance to ask her out.
Granted, she probably would've rejected me because she doesn't date people of both my races (I'm mixed), which is another dagger among the millions in my heart, but I wanted to at least have the experience of asking out a girl. The fact that I missed out on that is humiliating.I can't believe how socially incompetent I've grown up to become. It's shot down my self-esteem to the point where I'm just not happy with anything anymore. I can't concentrate in school and I can't enjoy anything without thoughts of negativity corrupting me. It's been one hell of an emotional hell, so to speak.
I feel so behind in life compared to others. I'm 20 going on 21 in a couple of weeks and I've got nothing to show for it... "Greatest years of my life"? Yeah, sure. I'm not sure how grand a life of social isolation is, but whatever...
...
Hey, I'm sorry for the negative tone of this post. I'm really trying to stay positive about all of this, but when you've been waiting in the dark for dawn to come for so long, you tend to wonder if you'll ever see the sun rise again...
