My daily reminder to never get married

[beans]

You can be incredibly lonesome while you have a significant other. I was infinitely more alone when I was with X than I am now. Do you really think texting somebody to say, "Hey baby" is enough to end loneliness? =

I would think that if people are in a marriage or a relationship or have a significant other and still feel lonely, perhaps they should talk it out with their partner and discuss it with them. I'm not saying they shouldn't be on ALL at all and I'm not saying having a significant other would not make one feel less lonely but I don't know if I'd be all too happy if I was in a marriage or relationship and found out my partner still felt lonely. I'd try to help them. After all, that's why people get into relationships right? To end their life of SINGLEdom and enter into the new world of sharing their lives intimately with that one person that you cannot share with your friends or brother/sister/mother/father/grandpa etc.

---

Exactly, your reasons for not wanting to date various types of people for whatever reason aren't wrong or unfair. Same with the single fathers out there who aren't interested in having more kids. There are women out there who do not want to have their own children who would be perfect for said single dad, while the others can go for the men who do want more kids or haven't had any yet and want some.

I have no kids nor do I ever want any. The very thought of reproducing and raising someone gives me chills. :s Not to mention I am nearing 30 and in some respects am still waiting for my own life to start.

If you have a list and you don't want this or that, I guess you've to ask if the relationship is about 'we' or 'I'.

From what I see, it's about "I". --> "I" don't want kids. "I" don't want to get married.

And its appalling how people can actually compare smoking and drinking with not wanting kids or wanting kids.

Also, what makes you think you can hold a relationship if the thought of raising someone gives you the chills? Both require commitments unless you're one of those who want someone but don't want the commitment and responsibility that comes with it. But then again, some relationships really are different I guess.

 

[JamaisVu]

To me the OP just illustrates the importance of deeply understanding a potential mate before committing to a life with him/her. Once you bind yourself to other people via marriage or procreation, it's hard to ever be free of them.

I would think that if people are in a marriage or a relationship or have a significant other and still feel lonely, perhaps they should talk it out with their partner and discuss it with them.

There's not always much that a partner can do to fix things. I'm married but I don't think it's healthy to rely on only one person for all of my socialization for so long. My partner has different interests and hobbies, and after all these years we've discussed everything under the sun and beyond more than once. Even us married people would like to have friends.

Also, what makes you think you can hold a relationship if the thought of raising someone gives you the chills? Both require commitments unless you're one of those who want someone but don't want the commitment and responsibility that comes with it. But then again, some relationships really are different I guess.

I agree with Limlim. People who are childfree by choice aren't necessarily afraid of all commitments and responsibility. A person who has children clearly has a very different mindset from mine, and children require a type of lifestyle that doesn't suit me at all. I wouldn't be interested in dating someone with children, nor do I want any of my own, but I'm perfectly capable of maintaining relationships.

 

[blackhole]

No it doesn't suck being a single father and there's no need to bash single mothers either.

did someone bash single mothers?

There are plenty of women that would date you; plenty of men that would date single mothers - however, I am talking about *my* own preferences.

this is fine.

I am not dating you or interested in dating you - I am certain you feel likewise; so why take offense?

i didn't take offence. did i say i was offended? i just shared my point-of-view that when you start making "lists" of who you are willing or not willing to consider in life (then spend a bunch of time on the internet pouting about how you will be alone til you die), you might want to *consider* not taking exclusionary stances.

I never said "single fathers and single mothers are horrible".

i certainly never heard you say that either.

I have plenty of my own reasons - and as unreasonable as they may be to another person - it's my dating life and no one elses.
I did start typing them out but then I thought...what's the point?

yes, you are entitled to and SHOULD have your own standards. i'm not calling you unreasonable. i'm just saying you are exclusionary. which is true. that's your right. you frequently go on about how no one loves you and how you are alone (and hideous, according to your own words), yet you have detailed list of who you will and won't fall in love with. you call it standards, i call it exclusionary. would you date a single father if he were solidly rich and child support would never be a problem?

Just as well, I am not interested in dating smokers etc whereas others would be ok.

okay.

We are not obligated to date everyone that is available.

okay.

Of course it sucks to be excluded out as dating potential for reasons you can't control...

it would be your loss, honey.

I've been excluded for various reasons: race, appearance, body size, faith etc.

that's their loss.

There are so many people in the world - if you're not included in one person's interest - who cares.

i'm not personally offended that you wouldn't date me. it's okay. don't worry about me.

There's many other people that could match you.

yep, there are more open-minded and less exclusionary people out there.

As for love - yes. It is important to love a person. However, difficulties with finances often cause problems which changes how a person can feel towards another.

all sorts of things change how people feel toward each other. and again, you are equating "single father" somehow to "broke single father". so your problem isn't a man who has kids, it's a man who has kids and is broke because of it. is this the case? i just want to be clear.

I certainly would not date a person who continuously racked up debt; gambled; went on shopping sprees etc and didn't know how to keep a job.

do most single parents do this?

However, if your comment was directed at those bloody-thirsty women in that post; then that is what I am not talking about in my above paragraph.

my comment about "the woman in the conversation"? yes, that was directed at the blood-thirsty women in that quote. the rest of my comment was an appeal to you to just keep your eyes open for love from whatever direction it may come. you would really be sad if someone amazing was to cross your path and you were too closed-minded and exclusionary to realize or consider it. that's all i am saying.

EDIT: Don't take offense or hold grudges okay...

i didn't. i don't.

I didn't join ALL to argue with people.

i know that. i've read your posts.

I never meant to hurt anyone with my comments - I just simply stated *my* own preferences.

yep, and i simply stated my viewpoint that you are more likely to alone forever if you have lists of people who you are entirely unwilling to consider as a possible partner. it's true.

Best of luck to everyone.

same to you.

 

[tangerinedream]

maybe those single fathers/mothers should have thought of that before having a kid? It just shows that they never did much thinking - ignorance.

some of us weren't single when our children were born.

do you honestly think that single mothers and fathers are ignorant people?

I have to agree with this. I was happily married, then had kids, then my husband left me.

Couldn't have planned for that, yet now I am a single mom not thanks to ignorance on my part.

---

Hmmm why do people who are married and are dating on this forum? They can't be lonely can they? If they are, then us singles are doomed. Coz lo and behold, we don't even have anyone to text and say 'hey baby'.

They certainly can be lonely. I was at one of the loneliest times in my life in the last years of my marriage. Technically, I "had" someone, but I was as alone as though I were the last person on the planet.

Loneliness is about a lot more than just having someone to fresia.

 

[jjam]

And its appalling how people can actually compare smoking and drinking with not wanting kids or wanting kids.

Why is that, when the comparison is there strictly to show that people have the right to want what they want out of a relationship and that stating either in a profile is not "unfair"? It's as if you're on to some philosophy about love only being true when someone gives themselves to someone else regardless of what they want in a relationship. But that's NOT what you're on to. Yes, it is about "I", to an extent, even for "You". You have your own criteria for a relationship as well. It's clear that you wouldn't approve of a man who'd act out violently towards you as a result of heavy drinking, and this is evident by your attempt to knock the sense out of the "comparison" when all it has revealed is that you think the criteria of another is unfair while yours would be okay. What's up with that, beans?

 

[TheSolitaryMan]

WTF at the stuff in the OP. I can't believe people can be so calculating and malicious.

"Wait until the 7-10 year mark"...it must be fake, surely?

I feel like never asking anyone out now. It's probably worth it if I avoid people like that.

 

[Peter Lorre]

I think one should make a distinction between people who don't want kids, and people who have kids from a previous relationship but who decide they don't want to date any other divorcees with kids of their own.

The first situation is completely fine, the second's just insane.

 

[Luna]

No it doesn't suck being a single father and there's no need to bash single mothers either.

did someone bash single mothers?

I wasn't referring to you or anyone in particular - I wasn't being completely literal. You posted a hypothetical situation along the lines of if the males were to bash single mothers; honeysuckle would go crazy or something. I don't want to look for it again; but this part is not a big deal.

There are plenty of women that would date you; plenty of men that would date single mothers - however, I am talking about *my* own preferences.

this is fine.

I am not dating you or interested in dating you - I am certain you feel likewise; so why take offense?

i didn't take offence. did i say i was offended? i just shared my point-of-view that when you start making "lists" of who you are willing or not willing to consider in life (then spend a bunch of time on the internet pouting about how you will be alone til you die), you might want to *consider* not taking exclusionary stances.

Admittedly, I had a list of what to look in a partner. My current partner - he does not meet any of that and I love him just as much. It made me realize to be more open-minded. I don't want to go into detail about my list, but it was simply to find someone who had what I had (ex. strong career goals etc). I didn't expect to fall in love with him and I did.
Who knows? I have an idea of what I'm looking for but I'm not so black and white in my feelings that I can simply cut off someone like that. If that was the case, I wouldn't be with my current partner. It could be in the future that I could fall in love with a single father and be happy. The reasons why I rather not date a single father at this time of my life...I'll put in it in a later part of my post.

I never said "single fathers and single mothers are horrible".

i certainly never heard you say that either.

This part - I know I didn't say it or post it; but it was in my mind that you may have thought that I thought poorly of single fathers and single mothers and thought that they are horrible - which is not the case. So that's why I put it out there...wasn't being super-literal again.

I have plenty of my own reasons - and as unreasonable as they may be to another person - it's my dating life and no one elses.
I did start typing them out but then I thought...what's the point?

yes, you are entitled to and SHOULD have your own standards. i'm not calling you unreasonable. i'm just saying you are exclusionary. which is true. that's your right. you frequently go on about how no one loves you and how you are alone (and hideous, according to your own words), yet you have detailed list of who you will and won't fall in love with. you call it standards, i call it exclusionary. would you date a single father if he were solidly rich and child support would never be a problem?

In one of the above paragraphs - the one where I responded - I sort of talked about how I fell in love with someone who didn't quite meet what I had originally was looking for. I never dated before him so part of it may have been naivety of what I thought a partner should be - I admit that.
I grew up in a family environment where everyone is married and raised me with fairy-tale notions is because that is what they had.
I haven't had experiences or dated enough to know even what I want at some points - I'm still learning. I used to firmly believe in no sex before marriage since I was young - and that's something I don't believe in now. People learn, develop and grow.

A lot of the reasons why I am not ready to have a child (someone elses' or my own) is financial.
I still have not even started my post-secondary education; I still have not established a permanent career; I do not have a home for a child (I do not want to rent); I do not have the funds, time, or desires to have a child at this point of my life.
With the goals I have in my mind for the next 5+ years; it does not include a child.
My goals are to build myself up so that when the time comes that I'm ready to have a family - I will.
I understand some people have given up their careers etc for a child who came unexpectedly; but if I can control it and post-pone having a child (mine or from a relationship) - then I will because my primary goal is to work on my career. I am very career-driven and will be unhappy to take on any more responsibilities until I accomplish my career goals.

As for a rich single father where problems with child support is not an issue - I don't want to offend okay - but most people are not rich and it is very rare. Hell, rich people here are the ones that move to the US or other more luxurious cities.
I am not going to expect or hope that any single fathers I encounter now or in the future - are going to be rich.
The typical person - although he/ she might have savings - they're struggling in some way. Most people don't have $50,000+ jobs (average person is $35,000 - $45,000) and even then, sometimes it's not enough especially with children.
I admire single parents for being able to afford rent, schooling, and to take care of their children but often - they're struggling to be able to do so.
Even so; if I committed myself to a single father - I can't expect him to pay everything for his children. If I am going to date a single father - I would want to love his kids. I would want to be able to buy things/ help fund their schooling etc and again - I don't have that right now. *shrugs*
And again - meeting a rich single rather is rare; let alone the likelihood of him liking me or I liking him because of other reasons outside of money and children.
It's not easy to find a match for anyone.

Just as well, I am not interested in dating smokers etc whereas others would be ok.

okay.

We are not obligated to date everyone that is available.

okay.

Of course it sucks to be excluded out as dating potential for reasons you can't control...

it would be your loss, honey.

I've been excluded for various reasons: race, appearance, body size, faith etc.

that's their loss.

There are so many people in the world - if you're not included in one person's interest - who cares.

i'm not personally offended that you wouldn't date me. it's okay. don't worry about me.

There's many other people that could match you.

yep, there are more open-minded and less exclusionary people out there.

As for love - yes. It is important to love a person. However, difficulties with finances often cause problems which changes how a person can feel towards another.

all sorts of things change how people feel toward each other. and again, you are equating "single father" somehow to "broke single father". so your problem isn't a man who has kids, it's a man who has kids and is broke because of it. is this the case? i just want to be clear.

That's true that all sorts of things change how people feel towards each other - but finances is often #1 and I've seen it destroy many relationships. I did not mean this just for single fathers - but for everyone that is looking to date. IMO, it is important to be clear when it comes to finances what is acceptable or what is not. You might be frugal and responsible with finances, but a potential partner could think it's okay to spend your savings on a weekly shopping spree.
It happens. I know of a family which a newborn - instead of saving money to raise the child - the mother is feeding the baby cheap powdered formula and spending all of the child's funds on herself. honeysuckle like that is why she and her husband won't stop arguing and may not work out.
Finances do matter.

I certainly would not date a person who continuously racked up debt; gambled; went on shopping sprees etc and didn't know how to keep a job.

do most single parents do this?

I would hope that most don't - but this part was not posted about single parents. This is posted about why finances matter in dating - single parent or not.

However, if your comment was directed at those bloody-thirsty women in that post; then that is what I am not talking about in my above paragraph.

my comment about "the woman in the conversation"? yes, that was directed at the blood-thirsty women in that quote. the rest of my comment was an appeal to you to just keep your eyes open for love from whatever direction it may come. you would really be sad if someone amazing was to cross your path and you were too closed-minded and exclusionary to realize or consider it. that's all i am saying.

No, that's fine and I'm okay with all what you said. Admittedly, you're blunt but I'm fine. I rather that, than have people hold grudges against me for what I've said. I wonder how many more people here hate me now haha.
All I want is the best for my child...if I can have a good paying job, a house, savings for his/ her education fund, savings for extra-curricular activities (tutoring, physical activities etc) etc and I'm ready - then I may consider having a child (mine or from a relationship); but right now, it is really not the time. I need to support myself before supporting or contributing to anyone else other than me.

EDIT: Don't take offense or hold grudges okay...

i didn't. i don't.

I didn't join ALL to argue with people.

i know that. i've read your posts.

I never meant to hurt anyone with my comments - I just simply stated *my* own preferences.

yep, and i simply stated my viewpoint that you are more likely to alone forever if you have lists of people who you are entirely unwilling to consider as a possible partner. it's true.

Best of luck to everyone.

same to you.

 

[Limlim]

You can be incredibly lonesome while you have a significant other. I was infinitely more alone when I was with X than I am now. Do you really think texting somebody to say, "Hey baby" is enough to end loneliness? =

I would think that if people are in a marriage or a relationship or have a significant other and still feel lonely, perhaps they should talk it out with their partner and discuss it with them. I'm not saying they shouldn't be on ALL at all and I'm not saying having a significant other would not make one feel less lonely but I don't know if I'd be all too happy if I was in a marriage or relationship and found out my partner still felt lonely. I'd try to help them. After all, that's why people get into relationships right? To end their life of SINGLEdom and enter into the new world of sharing their lives intimately with that one person that you cannot share with your friends or brother/sister/mother/father/grandpa etc.

---

Exactly, your reasons for not wanting to date various types of people for whatever reason aren't wrong or unfair. Same with the single fathers out there who aren't interested in having more kids. There are women out there who do not want to have their own children who would be perfect for said single dad, while the others can go for the men who do want more kids or haven't had any yet and want some.

I have no kids nor do I ever want any. The very thought of reproducing and raising someone gives me chills. :s Not to mention I am nearing 30 and in some respects am still waiting for my own life to start.

If you have a list and you don't want this or that, I guess you've to ask if the relationship is about 'we' or 'I'.

From what I see, it's about "I". --> "I" don't want kids. "I" don't want to get married.

And its appalling how people can actually compare smoking and drinking with not wanting kids or wanting kids.

Also, what makes you think you can hold a relationship if the thought of raising someone gives you the chills? Both require commitments unless you're one of those who want someone but don't want the commitment and responsibility that comes with it. But then again, some relationships really are different I guess.

---

Raising someone and being with someone are two entirely different things. I am interested in having an equal role in a relationship with someone, not being above them or in a position of authority over them, much less have to teach them things which will likely mess them up. Commitment isn't a problem, just the kind of commitment. What's wrong with being happy with someone who shares similar desires as you for major life decisions? For me something like my girlfriend smoking is a relatively minor issue. I don't smoke but it's something I'm willing to look past because I'm more interested in the person and understand its something important to some people.

As for if I could be in a successful relationship or not? I think i could. My last one ended because my job made the decision to move me away to another province and at the 2 year mark of our relationship we decided it we weren't together long enough at that point where it was time to make those long term commitments. It was bad timing really, at 3 years or more we probably would have either had her quit her job and move with me, or have me quit mine and look for another.

Of course one could argue that 2 years isn't exactly a milestone measure of success in a relationship and they'd be right... But that's also the reasoning we took when we decided to call it quits.

Also Luna, I can't keep track of your quotes and quotes of quotes anymore! I don't know who is saying what.

 

[blackhole]

so rich single fathers are okay, but only theoretical, so it doesn't matter, lol.

i get it. i do.

it takes a special sort of person to put love before other things.

i've struggled. i've been through hardship.

i'm the child of a single parent.

and i'm a single parent myself.

some of the best people i know are single parents.

and they aren't all broke or struggling.

it just depends.

my points was this:

if you are truly excluding people who are irresponsible and not financially secure, don't automatically lump "single parents" into that group as though they define it.

not all single parents would drag you down.

it's possible you could meet one who was well off and doing okay.

meh.

good luck though, to everyone, with their lists.

i keep no such list.

just my two cents on it.

 

[SofiasMami]

Oy vey, what the heck happened to this thread?
I'm a happily single parent. I did some online dating for about 10 months recently but didn't meet anyone special. When I saw a profile that says he has kids of his own but isn't interested in anymore kids, I've always taken that to mean they don't want any more biological kids. I'm pushing 40 and good luck to any guy in my age group in finding an eligible single woman with no kids of her own.
Saying you don't want more kids or don't want to meet someone with kids is just a preference. There have been a few posts on this forum ragging on single mothers but it's nothing I've never heard before. If someone doesn't want to date a single parent - meh - so what? Who cares? I have a preference of not wanting to ever get married again. So I'm not going to date anyone who might want to get married sometime in the future. There's plenty of fish in the sea. I'm not going to chase after someone who doesn't like a fixed trait that I can't change like having a child and nor should anyone who wants to get married try to chase me down either.

Teresa