My life is not mine.

[Caged Bird]

Hello everyone,

If you had a parent who raised you and suffered because of that and asks u indirectly to return what they had done for you, what will you do?

My mother is deciding my life for me, and has like this big plan about my life. I have changed since I met my boyfriend and study in Germany (far away from her,she lives in east south Asia) I'm trying my best to make her happy even from here, I give her all my payment I got from my part time jobs, I chat with her if she wants to rant even tho I have alot work and study in library till midnight. But she still doesnt let me be together with my boyfriend (he is in America) she wants me to graduate, going home, work, taking care of my sisters, marry a local guy, being active in our religion. That's what she is planning for me. But what I want is to live simple, somewhere where I would like to, and be together with my boyfriend. If I give in to my mother I will live lonely for the rest of my life... I had that life once, before I moved to germany, I was caged at home, I did all the chores, went to school, go back home, taking care of my sick mother. And she was still NOT happy with me.

She is starting to make me feel guilty, making me feel pity for her, or feel bad to not listen to her. A few days ago she talked two hours straight about how she suffered while raising me up, how much she sacrificed for me. She said she is sure I will just suffer if I marry my boyfriend. I am 23 years now and I so want to marry and have my own family, and live simple. I love my boyfriend very much and he is trying so much to move to germany, he just has not enough money yet. I also love my mother, I will always try my best to help her but I dont think I want that life she had planned for me. I would feel lonely for the rest of my life and I will hate her for doing that to me.

Advices please, thanks.

 

[Happy_Aspie]

If you had a parent who raised you and suffered because of that and asks u indirectly to return what they had done for you, what will you do?

She suffered because she made that choice. You had no part to play in the decision at the time so I guess you don't owe her your life.

My mother is deciding my life for me, and has like this big plan about my life. I have changed since I met my boyfriend and study in Germany (far away from her,she lives in east south Asia) I'm trying my best to make her happy even from here, I give her all my payment I got from my part time jobs, I chat with her if she wants to rant even tho I have alot work and study in library till midnight.

Its nice that you chat with your mom but maybe during the chat you could educate her on the new things you've learnt since she is only operating from a different point of reference. You cannot make your mother happy. Happiness is a choice and you could try all you want but if she is unhappy she just is. Don't beat up on yourself. You will have to be a bit blunt with her on study time. Tell her you will call her on the weekend or communicate more with your sisters by email. That way she could keep in touch but not directly and you can manage your time better.

But she still doesnt let me be together with my boyfriend (he is in America) she wants me to graduate, going home, work, taking care of my sisters, marry a local guy, being active in our religion. That's what she is planning for me. But what I want is to live simple, somewhere where I would like to, and be together with my boyfriend. If I give in to my mother I will live lonely for the rest of my life... I had that life once, before I moved to germany, I was caged at home, I did all the chores, went to school, go back home, taking care of my sick mother. And she was still NOT happy with me.

She can't NOT let you do anything she's miles away. I know someone who let his mom try to create dependence so he would always be around. He is now 50 still living with her, she is still nagging him using put downs and he has trouble being independent. He would like to get married and have children but its doubtful he could handle that responsibility.

She is starting to make me feel guilty, making me feel pity for her, or feel bad to not listen to her. A few days ago she talked two hours straight about how she suffered while raising me up, how much she sacrificed for me. .

That is emotional incest and its a violation. The same guy I mentioned his mom used to wake his younger sister up in the night at 9 years old and tell her all her problems. This poor child developed a drinking problem in her teenage years to deal with the stress. Its sort of like manipulation to feel guilt to do what she says. She can save those stories for when you are married and have kids of your own...

She said she is sure I will just suffer if I marry my boyfriend. I am 23 years now and I so want to marry and have my own family, and live simple. I love my boyfriend very much and he is trying so much to move to germany, he just has not enough money yet. I also love my mother, I will always try my best to help her but I dont think I want that life she had planned for me. I would feel lonely for the rest of my life and I will hate her for doing that to me. .

Why would she say you will suffer if you marry your boyfriend? Your mom may have her faults like anyone else but I dont beleive in throwing the baby out with the bathwater. Are there things that she is picking up from what you say? If you are thinking of marriage already why not have him talk to her? I think right now you should focus more on your education, job and savings. You're young and have your whole life ahead of you. All in all maybe the nature of your conversations with you mom need to change. Instead of talking about gloom and hardship talk about growth and possibilities.

 

[Jilted John]

As a parent who brought up two children,after their mother abandoned them,I must tell you, that I had to give up my future happiness.
It was my choice,not theirs.
I expect nothing in return,other than they have happier lives than me.
Your Mother should act the same.

Make your own future,you owe nothing, other than thanks to your mother for making it possible.

 

[rosebud]

Every parent makes sacrifices for their children. It's part of what being a parent is all about. Try to talk to your mom and explain things. Remember it's your life and you will live it. Of course she will make choices for you if you let her. She probably thinks she knows better than you. After all you'll always be her child, no matter how old both of you are. And don't feel guilty, by this logic we all have to be feeling guilty for being born to our parents.

 

[AFrozenSoul]

Well if you are studying and she is paying for it then I say put up with it until you are on your own. Then it is your life to live.

Do not let her pull that sacrifice bull on you. She made the decision to keep you. She could have given you up. There is a reason orphanages exist. I tell my mom she could have just aborted me. That always shuts her up.

Your life is yours and yours alone. If your mom cannot accept that then that is her choice.

 

[I'm Fine]

As a parent I can say that it was MY decision to have a child. Yes, I've made sacrifices (and will continue to do so, as necessary) but it was MY decision - not hers and I would NEVER expect my daughter to live the life I chose for her.

Ok, I may make suggestions - which she'll probably ignore - but at the end of the day, it's HER life and one of the things I've had to accept about being a parent is the fact that I'll have to watch her do things that I wouldn't choose for her and possibly suffer things that I could save her from if only I was in control, but I'm not. I'll have to stand back and watch her make her own mistakes as my mother had to do with me (albeit in her case shouting on the sidelines about how wrong I was). I've already had some experience with that and she's only 11. I know it's only going to get worse but that's part of what being a parent is all about.

At the end of the day - YOU have to live with the consequences, not her. That's why it's YOUR decision about what to do.

Good luck and Take care.

 

[Caged Bird]

Thank you very much everyone. It really makes me feel better to hear that I have a right to live. It makes me cry abit. As for some questions, I'll answer them.

The problem about my mother with my boyfriend: When my mother just got to know my boyfriend, my mother wanted once to talk to him about me. I have not doing my chores so well or she was angry at me about something, I cant remember, so I guess she wanted to tell him to talk with me to be "better". He of course made it clear (he knows about my problems with her) that he cant help her if shes using him to hurt me. This is what he said exactly on a mail: "Im always open and ready to help you as best as I could, but if your using me to hurt her, then sorry, Im not interested." How my mother react? She completely ignored the whole message and burned the part "sorry Im not interested" in her head. She showed me the message, I wanted to enlighten her but I was just to scared to say anything I could just nod. Ever since that the subject about my relationship has been a taboo. She at least let me have a relationship with my boyfriend but doesnt let me get serious with him. My boyfriend tried a couple of times to talk with her but she told me to tell him to leave her the fresia alone. Once my boyfriend couldnt stand it and he said hi, and wanted to talk with her, but she went on cursing at him with big letters. Ever since at her presence I had to pretend that my boyfriend doesnt exist. And ever since she became extreme on my boyfriend actually wants to have a serious talk with her but for my sake he cant because my mother will rant one and Im still not strong enough to face her yet. Im planning to do so this summer and make it clear for all that I want to be myself.

No shes not paying my college, shes not paying anything for me. Not for my sisters either. Im ok with that. Im the one helping her financially. All my payment money I get from my jobs I send it to her. I even lost a thumb nail on an accident at my work. I do this genuinely but lately I feel like a money machine.

Even right now this second she is ranting at me. Theres a new problem, about money, and she even talks bad about my younger sister, I keep giving her advices, I defend my sister nicely bec I know right now my sister is suffering alone out there somewhere. I even tell my mother I will work more, my mother keeps talking and talking not respondinng to my words. I feel like Im talking with someone deaf. Shes absolutely not responding and just keep talking and talking. I even told her I will ask my grandmother to sell the apartment I will inheritate once my grandmother dies. My grandmother said to me I could do with it what I want. But even to that my mother doesnt respond and keeps talking.

I feel so at the edge. To be honest I fear the upcoming summer... Btw she logged out without responding to my "sleep well"... ouch! :club:

Once again, thanks everyone. I hope Im not ranting too much, I never want to be like my mother.