My parents and my wedding

[Tuppence]

I wasn't sure about writing this. I might be imagining things.

But when my sister got married, my parents were so excited. They thought it was the most amazing thing ever. They talked about it to everybody. They planned outfits and speeches, they couldn't wait.

Now I'm getting married, and they don't seem that interested. My dad has never voluntarily mentioned it to me. When I talk about it, I don't get much of a reply - he doesn't usually say much about anything except sport, but he did talk about my sister's wedding. My mum doesn't seem bothered at all. She answers when I tell her about it, but she hasn't asked questions or shown much interest at all. I sometimes wonder if she believes the wedding will happen.

I haven't talked to my fiancé about it. I don't want to upset him, though I did upset him anyway because I was crying and I said I was just tired, and that worried him. I don't think my parents hate him. My mum says he's the only respectable boyfriend I've ever had and my dad's never moaned about anything he's said or done. He was always moaning about my ex.

 

[Sigma]

And you have no idea what might explain this behavior?
Did your parents treat you and your sister different before now or is this all new?
I'm not sure why they would act this way if they don't dislike your fiancé like you said, and if you are sure about that I'd just go ahead and confront them about it.

 

[9006]

Hmm, it could be a number of things.

Do your family accept your boyfriend? Do they like him? Maybe they didn't realize it was so serious?

 

[ladyforsaken]

Do your family accept your boyfriend? Do they like him? Maybe they didn't realize it was so serious?

Yeah, I was thinking the same, maybe they didn't realise that you two will actually get married so they never took you seriously.

I'm not sure why they would act this way if they don't dislike your fiancé like you said, and if you are sure about that I'd just go ahead and confront them about it.

It'd bother me a lot that I'd end up doing what Sigma suggests.

Hope you're okay, Tuppence. Keep us updated.

 

[perfanoff]

I trust that you have lived together for a while before planning to get married.

 

[VanillaCreme]

I understand that having their support is important, but don't let them stop you from doing what you feel is right.

 

[SophiaGrace]

I trust that you have lived together for a while before planning to get married.

Actually...

more divorces come from people who lived together before marrying.

Don't live together people.

 

[perfanoff]

Are you sure it's a causality instead of a random correlation?

 

[SophiaGrace]

Are you sure it's a causality instead of a random correlation?

It was explained to me that it causes divorces because then people take their marriages less seriously. "Oh, i can just leave at any time" becomes the notion, because living together has fostered this idea that...hey...I can leave my partner.

I'd have to go back and read my social psych book for more info.

 

[perfanoff]

That's fine. Well, hopefully we both will have had that problem in 10 years

 

[Tuppence]

Thank you for all the replies I'm sorry I've only just come back to the site.

We are living together, but we didn't live together until we were engaged. And this isn't necessarily a good thing, but he doesn't usually sleep in my bed. I think it's probably different for every couple though, and even if statistics show one thing, it doesn't mean it'll be like that for me. I hope not.

I haven't asked them about it yet, ladyforsaken. I suppose I don't really want to hear the answer. But at the same time, it does still bother me.

Sigma, they do treat me differently from my sister. She's very sensible and clever and driven and I'm a bit of an emotional wreck. So maybe they don't expect it to happen.

Vanilla, you're right that it's what I want that matters, but I want so much to make them proud, but I've never done the kind of things my sister has done. A part of me wants to do whatever it takes to make them proud, but I don't think that would make me happy.

 

[Cavey]

If your family are aware of how emotional you are, perhaps they're just worried that if they make too much of a big deal about it, then they will put too much pressure on your shoulders?

Ultimately, you're never going to be sure one way or the other until you pluck up the courage to ask them. Surely it's better to know than to constantly wonder? If this is bothering you, then not knowing is going to put somewhat of a cloud over what should be one of the happiest days of your life.

If yours fears are confirmed and they don't like your fiance, it is not the end of the world. You're the one that knows him best. You're the one that will be living with him. It's your opinion that matters. Some of the strongest couples I know are the ones that everyone else said would never last...

 

[WL7.3]

I trust that you have lived together for a while before planning to get married.

Actually...

more divorces come from people who lived together before marrying.

Don't live together people.

Why do you suppose that is?

 

[Tuppence]

I asked them.

They don't think our marriage is going to last. They're not even sure we'll last until the wedding. My mum refers to the reception as 'a nice party with nice food' and we'll have that part of it whatever happens.

It hurts. It really hurts a lot.

Oh, and my parents are the only family members who want to come.

 

[Cavey]

I'm sorry to hear that, Tuppence, but at least you know now. I can imagine how difficult it is for you to be stuck in the middle, and I doubt you want to upset your family, but in the end you have to do what you feel is right for you.

Hopefully, as time goes by, they'll come round to the idea. If not, you'll have the opportunity to prove them wrong.

 

[Tuppence]

user 130057, thank you for your reply.

It's just so hard. There's always been a part of me that's always wanted to do whatever it takes to make my parents happy. I can't give in to them this time, and I know from experience that doing what they want doesn't really make any of us happy. But I'm actually considering calling it off for them, and that's just horrible and how can I be considering it? They didn't want me to be a teenage mum, but cancelling that wasn't an option. But when it's something I can cancel, I often do. I can't cancel this time, I don't want to. But I want so much for them to be proud of me. I want so much for them to be a little bit excited about something that's important to me.

 

[ladyforsaken]

You can't change them, Tuppence. Do what will make you happy now, and in the future. But remember this, you cannot change them.. if you want them to be proud, and have done a lot of things to make them proud and they still aren't, then leave them be and move on. Don't suffer, just to do something they are expecting to see... do you think they will be proud if you cancel it? I don't think so by the looks of it. So no matter what you do.. they view you that way. So fresia it. It's time to take care of yourself.. and your kid. I think you should shift your focus and worry more to both your relationship and your kid than on them.

Sometimes, as much as family should mean a lot to you.. it's not always great and they are not always right. Be the parent you can be to your child now as he/she is growing up.. while you know best what type of parent you would not want to become.

It hurts. It really hurts a lot.

*bighug*
You can get through with this. Believe in yourself. Try accepting the fact that your parents may not even be there.. and don't expect them to support you.. it just seems like it will be all for disappointment.

 

[Edward W]

I pretty much wanted to say what Lady already has, if you love this man and cancel they will just say 'Told you so'.

Be happy, if marrying this man will do that and your parents cant see that, well shame on them.

Forget about pleasing anyone else, what does your heart say? Do that.

 

[kamya]

I trust that you have lived together for a while before planning to get married.

Statistics show that couples that live together before marriage have a much higher rate of divorce. Just saying.

(edit- looks like someone already beat me to it =P)

 

[VanillaCreme]

Vanilla, you're right that it's what I want that matters, but I want so much to make them proud, but I've never done the kind of things my sister has done. A part of me wants to do whatever it takes to make them proud, but I don't think that would make me happy.

That's why you need to live for you. Believe me, I understand you want support and the desire to make your family proud, but they don't live your life. And they aren't the ones who are supposed to decide what happens for you in life. I think I can safely say that many people have the same thoughts as you, but at the end of the day, it's them that live with the choices they make.

If this guy treats you right, and you're unmistakably loving him, you need to do what's best for you. And don't care about their words or their actions. Some people just don't understand that they can't pick out events for other people's lives. Trust me, I have a brother would more or less probably be unhappy with the person I choose to be with. But then I just remember that he was - and still is - unhappy with who he married.

So don't let them get to you. Do what makes you happy.