P
PyramidHead
Guest
This can be seen as a longer introduction, or better as the second part to my normal introduction.
I still think in a rational way, however, I will tell about my feelings here, which are very different in general. I know that I'm not as bad as I will go to tell it, but I feel about it that way and I can't change it.
Let's start with the good parts: I care very well about my family, mostly older family members, who need my help a lot. As well, I take good care of my pets, who are a great comfort to me, since they love me for who I am, just like my family. I have a nice apartment, a good job with a nice future ahead, a good education history and some nice financial savings for future plans. I have a lot of interests, like reading and swimming. I care well about my looks, keep my mind and my body in shape. My face is far away from being ugly. I help whenever it is possible, already promised my body for donations after my death, spend blood every few months and volunteer on my weekends for some different projects.
I can cook and can dance. And to get the cherry on top of it all, I was never thinking much before about it, but I only realized some time ago that these sure are a lot of positive things. That actually, some of these really should make me attractive for being a friend or maybe even a partner. But, this is not the case. I never gave them much attention unless I was asked and I doubt that I will change it. I just will tell it here, so that people will be able to understand the gap, between the reality seen from my mind and the reality seen from my heart.
Because in my heart, I am weak. Aside from my family, there are not much people who are very close to me. My friends already left me, aside from some online friends, who rarely answer me. And well, my pen pal from prison, who I came in contact with through a program that connects inmates with people from the outside... helping them not to lose the contact to society. Sadly, my pen pal is very nice and actually deserves someone who still is a better part of society. Because I even was a social withdrawal for a short time and even while I still go outside again now, it still feels as if I'm outside of society, or at least as if I never entered social life again. Not that I had much of a social life to begin with, but at least I had some friends in my near.
One of the reasons is my shyness, which is often not believed, since I do a few things in public... however, most of them don't need as much social interaction as most people think. I don't talk much at work, unless it is work related. When I go to cooking classes then I cook, dancing in dance classes, swimming while going to the pool, working while volunteering...
Still, while my shyness is often not seen by most people, I actually do have a shyness that is close to a social phobia.
As well, I have low self esteem because of it, that why it kinda helps to do things that make me feel at least a little bit useful to somebody at the end of the day. So that I don't feel weak.
Why I do feel weak? Because of the fact that aside from my family and pets, there are no people who do show me any kind of affection. My penpal from prison does, as my only real friend... who always writes me, no matter what, while my "online friends" mostly forget about me again and again, even while I write them back very fast.
So why do I feel weak? Because I can't accept my loneliness, but I can't seem to fight it. Only one person outside my family seems to see my presence as valuable. So I dare to say that I am weak, because I can't really prove different. Shyness is my weakness and loneliness is the punishment given for it.
That's where my nickname is from as well. In the Silent Hill series, Pyramid Head is the manifestation of guilt, the punisher of weakness and sin. So my loneliness is my own Pyramid Head, in some way.
As for the aspect of guilt, I often feel that I'm at fault for my loneliness. I can't blame society... so something must be wrong with me. Seems kinda logical.
So I feel some guilt for my weakness, but as well I often question my ways as well. I always had high morals, maybe even a bit old school, like a classic gentleman. Something that the older women at the dancing classes really like and something that actually makes me do well with older people (both men and women). They like people, who treat them kindly and respectful.
Still, I always had to ask: What if it were different? And how much of the bad aspects are my fault? Maybe I'm too kind? ...all things like that, that made me wonder, why I get no friends, why I get no interest from women and never even had any romantic experiences.
The reason that made me visit this forum was to get my mind a bit of this thoughts, still I wanted to share them, this time alone. Because right now, even while I'm busy and working hard, I feel the loneliness that is the strongest before Christmas. And it makes me doubt myself and gives me strange ideas, that go against my morals. (Don't worry, I don't think about suicide or anything like that... I couldn't do anything like that, since it would hurt my family badly and I know that I can be more helpful when I'm alive. Dead man ain't working.
)
I hope someone can understand, why my mind and my feelings are so far away from each other, and why I need to be here, so that my suffering won't lead to actions that I may regret later...
Every time I get a stupid idea, I may tell about it and I hope that I can stay on the right way, with everyone's help.
Thanks for reading.
I still think in a rational way, however, I will tell about my feelings here, which are very different in general. I know that I'm not as bad as I will go to tell it, but I feel about it that way and I can't change it.
Let's start with the good parts: I care very well about my family, mostly older family members, who need my help a lot. As well, I take good care of my pets, who are a great comfort to me, since they love me for who I am, just like my family. I have a nice apartment, a good job with a nice future ahead, a good education history and some nice financial savings for future plans. I have a lot of interests, like reading and swimming. I care well about my looks, keep my mind and my body in shape. My face is far away from being ugly. I help whenever it is possible, already promised my body for donations after my death, spend blood every few months and volunteer on my weekends for some different projects.
I can cook and can dance. And to get the cherry on top of it all, I was never thinking much before about it, but I only realized some time ago that these sure are a lot of positive things. That actually, some of these really should make me attractive for being a friend or maybe even a partner. But, this is not the case. I never gave them much attention unless I was asked and I doubt that I will change it. I just will tell it here, so that people will be able to understand the gap, between the reality seen from my mind and the reality seen from my heart.
Because in my heart, I am weak. Aside from my family, there are not much people who are very close to me. My friends already left me, aside from some online friends, who rarely answer me. And well, my pen pal from prison, who I came in contact with through a program that connects inmates with people from the outside... helping them not to lose the contact to society. Sadly, my pen pal is very nice and actually deserves someone who still is a better part of society. Because I even was a social withdrawal for a short time and even while I still go outside again now, it still feels as if I'm outside of society, or at least as if I never entered social life again. Not that I had much of a social life to begin with, but at least I had some friends in my near.
One of the reasons is my shyness, which is often not believed, since I do a few things in public... however, most of them don't need as much social interaction as most people think. I don't talk much at work, unless it is work related. When I go to cooking classes then I cook, dancing in dance classes, swimming while going to the pool, working while volunteering...
Still, while my shyness is often not seen by most people, I actually do have a shyness that is close to a social phobia.
As well, I have low self esteem because of it, that why it kinda helps to do things that make me feel at least a little bit useful to somebody at the end of the day. So that I don't feel weak.
Why I do feel weak? Because of the fact that aside from my family and pets, there are no people who do show me any kind of affection. My penpal from prison does, as my only real friend... who always writes me, no matter what, while my "online friends" mostly forget about me again and again, even while I write them back very fast.
So why do I feel weak? Because I can't accept my loneliness, but I can't seem to fight it. Only one person outside my family seems to see my presence as valuable. So I dare to say that I am weak, because I can't really prove different. Shyness is my weakness and loneliness is the punishment given for it.
That's where my nickname is from as well. In the Silent Hill series, Pyramid Head is the manifestation of guilt, the punisher of weakness and sin. So my loneliness is my own Pyramid Head, in some way.
As for the aspect of guilt, I often feel that I'm at fault for my loneliness. I can't blame society... so something must be wrong with me. Seems kinda logical.
So I feel some guilt for my weakness, but as well I often question my ways as well. I always had high morals, maybe even a bit old school, like a classic gentleman. Something that the older women at the dancing classes really like and something that actually makes me do well with older people (both men and women). They like people, who treat them kindly and respectful.
Still, I always had to ask: What if it were different? And how much of the bad aspects are my fault? Maybe I'm too kind? ...all things like that, that made me wonder, why I get no friends, why I get no interest from women and never even had any romantic experiences.
The reason that made me visit this forum was to get my mind a bit of this thoughts, still I wanted to share them, this time alone. Because right now, even while I'm busy and working hard, I feel the loneliness that is the strongest before Christmas. And it makes me doubt myself and gives me strange ideas, that go against my morals. (Don't worry, I don't think about suicide or anything like that... I couldn't do anything like that, since it would hurt my family badly and I know that I can be more helpful when I'm alive. Dead man ain't working.
)I hope someone can understand, why my mind and my feelings are so far away from each other, and why I need to be here, so that my suffering won't lead to actions that I may regret later...
Every time I get a stupid idea, I may tell about it and I hope that I can stay on the right way, with everyone's help.
Thanks for reading.
