redbeard 44
Active member
Recently someone posted a picture from my third grade class for our 25th high school reunion and when I saw it, many things became clear to me. In it, I was smack dab in the middle of the whole class, middle row, middle child. But in it, I'm surrounded by all these people and my body posture spoke volumes to me. I was huddled, with my shoulders in and elbows reaching for each other as if I was avoiding being touched. The whole class was looking up and to the left, my head was tilted down with my eyes looking upwards. It was weird, but it made me realize I may have been like this my whole life. I remember not answering the phone when I knew it was some friends and even pretending I wasn't home when they came knocking on my door. I lost many childhood friends that way. Then there was the service. I did my stint, had some friends by proximity really, but when I got out, I never stayed in touch or built on those relationships. Then there was college, same thing, I was the outsider, non-traditional student hanging with teenagers, I never felt in there and lost those tenuous friends too. I did manage to get married, but most our friends were her friends... I was actually worried about inviting too few people for my side of the wedding. But our marriage last for 8 years until my midlife crisis and I lost those few 'couple' friends we had too. The few friends I have maintained are all married with kids now and living their lives, I don't wish to intrude. So here I sit now, divorced with no kids, no friends, no social life, no confidence, no nothing... and wondering how much longer?
But back to the main point. Now that I look back, it appears I was always this way and perhaps destined for a solitary existence on the fringes watching 'normal' people live their lives and grow old together. I never really envisioned myself as one of 'them'.
But back to the main point. Now that I look back, it appears I was always this way and perhaps destined for a solitary existence on the fringes watching 'normal' people live their lives and grow old together. I never really envisioned myself as one of 'them'.