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.....My Songs.....and daily journal..
- Thread starter Lena
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I'm starting to get frustrated and starting to feel bad about my story.
ANA still hasn't contacted me about my story being approved and tomorrow
is when judging begins. If my story does not get approved, I'm not writing another one.
I'm over my luck.
Forget it. If it doesn't happens, it wasn't meant to.
ANA still hasn't contacted me about my story being approved and tomorrow
is when judging begins. If my story does not get approved, I'm not writing another one.
I'm over my luck.
Forget it. If it doesn't happens, it wasn't meant to.
Thank you ..
Today is one of the worst days of my life & I dont want to be bothered by ANYBODY in this house today. I thouggt my story was decent enough to get approved, but it didnt even get that! I'm soooo bitter & ANGRY. I swear on everything I am one of those people in life who has a predestined path to destruction ...I feel like life has been doing everything in it's power to drive me over the edge... :' (
This is probably the worst year of my life...and im not surprised ...I dont know what's going to happen from here because I give up on everything. Im not doing anything anymore. Its a waste...im a waste & my life is a waste..I dont know how to use it right. Some soul without a body probably would have been better off using my body... im just done. No more nothing.
I could have made a live journal for this, I could have had a person journal as well. I chose to write this here because somebody somewhere is feeling just like me. I wanted to see if others could relate. I appreciated the advice from others & that they were only trying to help, but the only time a person will be helped is if they see things differently for themselves. I don't. I dont think I ever will. My life has burdened me with too many issues and I know that. I'm strong, but I'm not strong enough for this.
Today is one of the worst days of my life & I dont want to be bothered by ANYBODY in this house today. I thouggt my story was decent enough to get approved, but it didnt even get that! I'm soooo bitter & ANGRY. I swear on everything I am one of those people in life who has a predestined path to destruction ...I feel like life has been doing everything in it's power to drive me over the edge... :' (
This is probably the worst year of my life...and im not surprised ...I dont know what's going to happen from here because I give up on everything. Im not doing anything anymore. Its a waste...im a waste & my life is a waste..I dont know how to use it right. Some soul without a body probably would have been better off using my body... im just done. No more nothing.
I could have made a live journal for this, I could have had a person journal as well. I chose to write this here because somebody somewhere is feeling just like me. I wanted to see if others could relate. I appreciated the advice from others & that they were only trying to help, but the only time a person will be helped is if they see things differently for themselves. I don't. I dont think I ever will. My life has burdened me with too many issues and I know that. I'm strong, but I'm not strong enough for this.
Don't feel like you sound cheap, it's not your responsibility or anyone's for me to be happy or to see the bright side of the tunnel...
It's all me, my life, my perception, the God's or whoever is watching over me.
I gave up my phone, finally. I don't want it anymore.. there's nothing else I can do anymore..
I'm starting to take depression pills.... I don't know what they will do, but I hope they work.
It sucks it has come down to this, but I don't know what else to do.
I mean, people in my daily life who know me. People on the internet can only go so far with someone they don't see everyday and even the people in my personal life are too caught up in themselves to even just LISTEN to me and not give me the silent treatment afterwards.
I'm going thorugh HELL right now. I'm cooking dinner for the family, they're going to eat the food I cook while everyone's just lounging around sleep, listening to music drinking wine, and im over here DEPRESSED and miserable and at the end of the day all I have to lean on now is a little pill. Taking a depression pill makes me feel like me being depressed is ALL of my fault when I feel like it has been a FACADE, an ILLUSION that it has been my fault. When really, I've been through a TON of traumatic moments in life, I don't shout them off the roof top because I don't want pity and I'd be embarrassed, but ****, I just want someone to BE HERE FOr ME. And God, life, fate, just ... It's too much to ask.
I read a girl's post on here and it's true what she wrote. I feel the exact same way as her. There is no reason for me to live except to be a SLAVE to others while they walk all over me and enjoy the food I cook. I'm suffering so bad, have no independence, and can't seem to get out of the jobless funk I'm in.
People don't get it because they are not in my shoes, but I'm guaranteeing I have a legit reason to feel the way I feel. I HATE being depressed these days, which is why I accept the pill today, but I feel like others need to change, NOt JUST ME.
Life is not JUST what YOU make it, I'm sick of people saying that. Others rape, kill, abuse, they're selfish and everything else that might damage another person. And I'm sure the damaged person does not MAKE that life. then to top it off, they say " Let it make you stronger" - But I'm sick of being strong! I've been strong all of my life and what's strength going to do for me? It does not make me happier. You can be strong and depressed. Strength means nothing to me anymore. The fact I'm still cooking and not blowing my top on these people I was forced to live with is my idea of being "STRONG" ./
I'm sick of life, but I'm scared to die. I HATE that I was EVER born.
Something else PEOPLE don't seem to get is that, not everyone can accept things as easily as they can.
I was BORN an EXTREMELY SENSITIVE individual. I can not help that! I can't help that emotions digs deeper inside of me than most people or that tears are always pouring out of my eyes. I can't help that I might come off dramatic sometimes, because my feelings at the moment are like that. I can live life everyday pretending to be nonchalant like NOTHING ever gets to me like the majority of society.
It sucks. I'm looked at in the wrong light by society.
I seriously wasn't made for this world and sometimes I wonder if I came from another dimension or planet or something on a serious note.
I just don't see things as simple and lightly as everyone else... and I'm sure there is someone out there who feels the same... it sucks.
It's all me, my life, my perception, the God's or whoever is watching over me.
I gave up my phone, finally. I don't want it anymore.. there's nothing else I can do anymore..
I'm starting to take depression pills.... I don't know what they will do, but I hope they work.
It sucks it has come down to this, but I don't know what else to do.
I mean, people in my daily life who know me. People on the internet can only go so far with someone they don't see everyday and even the people in my personal life are too caught up in themselves to even just LISTEN to me and not give me the silent treatment afterwards.
I'm going thorugh HELL right now. I'm cooking dinner for the family, they're going to eat the food I cook while everyone's just lounging around sleep, listening to music drinking wine, and im over here DEPRESSED and miserable and at the end of the day all I have to lean on now is a little pill. Taking a depression pill makes me feel like me being depressed is ALL of my fault when I feel like it has been a FACADE, an ILLUSION that it has been my fault. When really, I've been through a TON of traumatic moments in life, I don't shout them off the roof top because I don't want pity and I'd be embarrassed, but ****, I just want someone to BE HERE FOr ME. And God, life, fate, just ... It's too much to ask.
I read a girl's post on here and it's true what she wrote. I feel the exact same way as her. There is no reason for me to live except to be a SLAVE to others while they walk all over me and enjoy the food I cook. I'm suffering so bad, have no independence, and can't seem to get out of the jobless funk I'm in.
People don't get it because they are not in my shoes, but I'm guaranteeing I have a legit reason to feel the way I feel. I HATE being depressed these days, which is why I accept the pill today, but I feel like others need to change, NOt JUST ME.
Life is not JUST what YOU make it, I'm sick of people saying that. Others rape, kill, abuse, they're selfish and everything else that might damage another person. And I'm sure the damaged person does not MAKE that life. then to top it off, they say " Let it make you stronger" - But I'm sick of being strong! I've been strong all of my life and what's strength going to do for me? It does not make me happier. You can be strong and depressed. Strength means nothing to me anymore. The fact I'm still cooking and not blowing my top on these people I was forced to live with is my idea of being "STRONG" ./
I'm sick of life, but I'm scared to die. I HATE that I was EVER born.
Something else PEOPLE don't seem to get is that, not everyone can accept things as easily as they can.
I was BORN an EXTREMELY SENSITIVE individual. I can not help that! I can't help that emotions digs deeper inside of me than most people or that tears are always pouring out of my eyes. I can't help that I might come off dramatic sometimes, because my feelings at the moment are like that. I can live life everyday pretending to be nonchalant like NOTHING ever gets to me like the majority of society.
It sucks. I'm looked at in the wrong light by society.
I seriously wasn't made for this world and sometimes I wonder if I came from another dimension or planet or something on a serious note.
I just don't see things as simple and lightly as everyone else... and I'm sure there is someone out there who feels the same... it sucks.
L
Lonely in BC
Guest
Hi Lena,
You're pretty down on yourself and not fully understanding your situation makes it kind of tough to give any kind of helpful response to you but I can make a couple of observations.
The way you're able to express yourself through writing is pretty impressive. Your story might not have got the approval you sought this time but maybe next time with some refinement? Have you thought of trying other venues to tell your story? I suggest not limiting yourself whether its venue or a self imposed timeline.
Musically you've got talent as well. I was listening to some of your tracks that you've created, I personally liked "Swate"- I later heard my daughter listening to some of your tracks and humming along with them. Hopefully you'll take it as the compliment its meant to be that you had a couple of people's attention and your efforts were appreciated.
We've all got issues. Some give into despair, others fight their way through them. Me personally, I've fought through them. Sometimes fighting means changing your circumstances- ridding yourself of people who bring you down, changing your living arrangements, looking at a a new career path, etc. I personally don't give any credence to a "pre-determined" mindset, life is going to be what you make of it. I'm not making light of your issues Lena, I do think that you need to find a way to cope with them.
As far as pills to fight depression- do you want to take something that can hinder your creativity and uniqueness? All of your current anger, frustration, and issues allows you to express yourself, do you want to dull that edge? How about setting smaller goals to find your happier place? It's a decision to give into frustration and anger- I've learned that through experience. I eventually chose not to be an angry, pissed off individual, when I made that decision everything changed for the better. There were many things I "sacrificed" to get to that better place but its been so worth it.
Find your path Lena, just don't let despair be that path.
You're pretty down on yourself and not fully understanding your situation makes it kind of tough to give any kind of helpful response to you but I can make a couple of observations.
The way you're able to express yourself through writing is pretty impressive. Your story might not have got the approval you sought this time but maybe next time with some refinement? Have you thought of trying other venues to tell your story? I suggest not limiting yourself whether its venue or a self imposed timeline.
Musically you've got talent as well. I was listening to some of your tracks that you've created, I personally liked "Swate"- I later heard my daughter listening to some of your tracks and humming along with them. Hopefully you'll take it as the compliment its meant to be that you had a couple of people's attention and your efforts were appreciated.
We've all got issues. Some give into despair, others fight their way through them. Me personally, I've fought through them. Sometimes fighting means changing your circumstances- ridding yourself of people who bring you down, changing your living arrangements, looking at a a new career path, etc. I personally don't give any credence to a "pre-determined" mindset, life is going to be what you make of it. I'm not making light of your issues Lena, I do think that you need to find a way to cope with them.
As far as pills to fight depression- do you want to take something that can hinder your creativity and uniqueness? All of your current anger, frustration, and issues allows you to express yourself, do you want to dull that edge? How about setting smaller goals to find your happier place? It's a decision to give into frustration and anger- I've learned that through experience. I eventually chose not to be an angry, pissed off individual, when I made that decision everything changed for the better. There were many things I "sacrificed" to get to that better place but its been so worth it.
Find your path Lena, just don't let despair be that path.
Lena I`m a bit older and have daughters. even here I don`t like to see someone hurting. your little sister might not know how to respond to you, don`t stop trying, try something different..something silly..or something simple. a little at a time and let it grow. it sounds like she is willing. What you are living current I PROMISE you I will send you a note everyday and have a word with you if that will help. I haven`t looked at your profile yet but I will. and..sending you a note will help me too! I have some stuff" poetry and lyrics I haven`t finished, you can tell me its Crap"...lol those pills will only dull you, won`t fix a thing. we all respond to people and things in our life a bit different, we can talk about it. Being sensitive, and emotional are fine qualities ...ok notes start tomorrow if you want..
Lonely in BC said:Hi Lena,
You're pretty down on yourself and not fully understanding your situation makes it kind of tough to give any kind of helpful response to you but I can make a couple of observations.
The way you're able to express yourself through writing is pretty impressive. Your story might not have got the approval you sought this time but maybe next time with some refinement? Have you thought of trying other venues to tell your story? I suggest not limiting yourself whether its venue or a self imposed timeline.
Musically you've got talent as well. I was listening to some of your tracks that you've created, I personally liked "Swate"- I later heard my daughter listening to some of your tracks and humming along with them. Hopefully you'll take it as the compliment its meant to be that you had a couple of people's attention and your efforts were appreciated.
We've all got issues. Some give into despair, others fight their way through them. Me personally, I've fought through them. Sometimes fighting means changing your circumstances- ridding yourself of people who bring you down, changing your living arrangements, looking at a a new career path, etc. I personally don't give any credence to a "pre-determined" mindset, life is going to be what you make of it. I'm not making light of your issues Lena, I do think that you need to find a way to cope with them.
As far as pills to fight depression- do you want to take something that can hinder your creativity and uniqueness? All of your current anger, frustration, and issues allows you to express yourself, do you want to dull that edge? How about setting smaller goals to find your happier place? It's a decision to give into frustration and anger- I've learned that through experience. I eventually chose not to be an angry, pissed off individual, when I made that decision everything changed for the better. There were many things I "sacrificed" to get to that better place but its been so worth it.
Find your path Lena, just don't let despair be that path.
Hi LonelyInBC,
I enjoyed reading this post because you had a lot of good points. I appreciate that you and your daughter found my music pleasing to the ears. I agree with most of what your saying. The only part I struggle with is the " Life is what you make it " - I just don't feel like that.
The circumstance, if I were to go into detail, has no solution because of the family I was born into. ( Not to mention the fact that I've been job searching since 2008 and have not found a job yet. And it would be my SECOND job. )
It's pathetic. All I do is sit at home and make beats and cook. I do agree with you that all of my emotions are channeled into my music, but at the same time, a lot of those emotions are sorrowful and bad.
At this point, I don't know what to do besides hope for a miracle, ( A turn in fate. )
Again, thank you for your response as it is well appreciated...
By the way, my story was approved, but I need people to vote and review it.
I'm scared to post it though. I'm insecure about the story and things... ( I know. If it's not one thing it's another. ) - But the insecurities are brewing in me...
Tinman, I know it must be hard for you to probably read some of my posts, since you have a daughter... I apologize. I always fall short of being a decent human being. I know this. Me and my sister's relationship is getting better.
I am re-reading my story and just realized that I skipped a whole section, now it might not make sense. There is no way to fix it either. There goes my chances..
I'm such a dumb ass.
>:'(
I'm ANGRY and every bad mood you could ever think of.
I want to STAB myself right now, that's how angry I feel.
>:'(
I could tear every little piece of my hair out of my roots if I wanted.
I F'd up AGAIN.
I'm sitting here crying feeling like I'm going to have a heart attack.
I'm sick of going through this. I'm SICK. Things just keep getting worse and worse.
*I* keep getting worse and worse.
I fell back into an old habit of self discipline. I couldn't help it.
I'm so angry at myself I don't know what to do. I wish
I was never born..
There are no words to describe the amount of pain I'm in right now.
I'm sick of going through this. I'm SICK. Things just keep getting worse and worse.
*I* keep getting worse and worse.
I fell back into an old habit of self discipline. I couldn't help it.
I'm so angry at myself I don't know what to do. I wish
I was never born..
There are no words to describe the amount of pain I'm in right now.
So, I haven't been here in a while and the reason is, I've been living my life too busy trying to NOT feel lonely and actually get out and talk to people. Well, guess what? I'm even hurt more now than before, and if that's not worse, I feel like shutting off from EVERYBODY now and not ever giving ANYTHING a chance AGAIN. Words can't describe how much I'm in pain.
I'm sitting here trying not to cry because my sister and mom are behind me and I don't want them to know I'm in pain. I don't know what else to do anymore. People always tell you to have hope and it hurts when you KNOW that it will NEVER get better. I don't know what's wrong with me where I have such bad luck in all relationships. I hate my life SO MUCH. :'(
How much does the creator or whoever expect a person to endure and to take? I'm not some Christ or God or something in human form. Jeez. Honestly, I wish I was dead right now. I really HATE everything. Ugh
I don't know why people like to mess with me. I try to be nice and everything, but it just doesn't work. Being mean doesn't work either. I should just run away from the world and get lost. I'd do better living in the wild killing live forbidden beasts and cooking them over a campfire.
I was stalked over the past few months too. It sucks. I just can't win. I don't know what to do...I'mm sick of going around in circles..
I'm sitting here trying not to cry because my sister and mom are behind me and I don't want them to know I'm in pain. I don't know what else to do anymore. People always tell you to have hope and it hurts when you KNOW that it will NEVER get better. I don't know what's wrong with me where I have such bad luck in all relationships. I hate my life SO MUCH. :'(
How much does the creator or whoever expect a person to endure and to take? I'm not some Christ or God or something in human form. Jeez. Honestly, I wish I was dead right now. I really HATE everything. Ugh
I don't know why people like to mess with me. I try to be nice and everything, but it just doesn't work. Being mean doesn't work either. I should just run away from the world and get lost. I'd do better living in the wild killing live forbidden beasts and cooking them over a campfire.
I was stalked over the past few months too. It sucks. I just can't win. I don't know what to do...I'mm sick of going around in circles..
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