Need some advices with a girl

[sorandom5454]

Hey. I'm just throwing this out here cause I got very few people IRL to discuss it with (in fact only one person) and I need some perspectives on it from other people. It's kinda long to read but yeah, thanks if you pull through

So, nearly one year ago I got in touch with this girl online that lives in another country. (We're both in our early twenties). We quickly connected and started talking a lot online. Soon we also moved on from chats to talking on skype or calling on phone, we also sent some photos and stuff like that. It felt good and like we really "digged" each other.

Now from the beginning, I was rather hesitant and a bit distanced towards her. This is because I'm aware of my personal problems with people and also because I'm aware of the difficulties with meeting someone that lives abroad. She however was much more... pushing and quickly also seemed to become more emotionally attached to me. I tried to be clear with who I am and how things are but either she was fine with it or she didn't fully understand as she never met me in person. Anyway, after a while I also got somewhat attached to her, thinking it could be nice to meet as soon as I had the possibility to go there.

However, lately she has started acting much more cold and distanced. To take a few examples, earlier it seemed to mean a great deal to her to be in touch with me but now, it can go days without hearing from her or if we are chatting, it can take a very long time before she replies. Basically it's like we can't really communicate well anymore, it's just the standard phrases like how are you and so on. Now I have also contributed to this rift between us I guess. But I tried to work this out recently. I talked to her and said how I feel, that I do like her and am interested but realize the difficulties. And I also made it clear that if she rather finds someone there, it's alright with me, I would understand. She acted very weird when I said this though, kinda like she was avoiding the subject. I tried bringing it up once more but got the same reaction and now I feel like I've done my part, if she doesn't wanna talk or make this right, then so be it.

The problem now is I don't know what to do and I don't really understand what's going on over there. I'm suspecting she has found someone else but are in the early stages and don't wanna break it off with me. However it's very confusing - while she acts cold at times, other times it's the other way around. It's like she's giving me double signals. If she was tired of me or found someone else, then I think she should be clear with me on that instead of acting like this. I don't really understand it.

There is also the possibility (especially with her being from a different culture than i am) that she is expecting me to make more moves now. To contact her more, to make sure I can go there see her soon and so on. But I just don't know.

The way she's been lately and us having less contact has also made me think more about this whole thing. I know the chances are slim we would work out, both given we might not at all go along well in person but if nothing else, cause of the distance. At the same time a part of me would want to at least give it a try. So I feel like I got 2 choices now. One being breaking it off right now (as she may not care that much anymore about me anyway) and saving us some hassle. Another one being giving it some more time and see what she wants out of this. I will not be able to go there for some time anyway so there's no third option of meeting and see how it goes right now.

I know this is very unfortunate and not really her fault but I can't help this is affecting me to some degree. I just feel like it's the same old story all over again, someone "tricks me" into believing it is indeed possible for me to be liked by someone or maybe even be with someone, only to then be let down and left alone again.

I'm grateful for any input or help on this matter.

 

[theraab]

Is the question, why did she grow more distant after you pushed her away?

It wouldn't surprise me if she found someone else - if you push someone away, and then come back later and say, "I like you", of course it is going to be weird.

Look at it this way, if you were throwing off signals that you liked a girl when you first met, and she was hesitant you would let it go, and move on (even if you stayed in contact with her); if she then, months later said that she was interested, wouldn't that be odd to you? And this scenario assumes you didn't find someone new.

 

[Okiedokes]

Yeah.. it's possible you pushed her away and maybe she thought it was about her, and not you. It's very well possible that she sorta just grew apart especially if she liked you or gave up on the idea of being together I suppose.

I'm not sure of what to make of her being closer some days than others. I want to say maybe old feelings get resurfaced and she isn't comfortable with them as of what happened before with being pushed away? Perhaps you need to tell her it's you, not her and that you thought things out. It doesnt hurt to say something, and it can make the possible impossible if you don't.

 

[sorandom5454]

I think maybe my post was a bit open to misinterpretation.

I never pushed her away. I was simply going slow in the beginning, trying to make sense of all of this and not rush into anything. This didn't put her off at the time and after a while we got to a point where we both felt like we really would like to meet and see what happens. And we talked frequently and got along well and so on for months. It is only lately, for around 2-3 weeks or a month now that I feel like she has gotten a lot more distant from me. And because of that, I tried talking it through with her and make sure we are still on the same "team" here but it was to no success as I felt like she avoided the subject.

What I tried to clearify in the OP is that for all the time we have known each other, she has always been the more "pushy" one. She is a lot more talkative and emotional as a person than I am. So while she might very well notice now that I have also somewhat withdrawn myself due to being insecure about what she wants, it's much more obvious to me that something has changed when she acts like a completely different person, being all cold and non talkative with me.

I'd like to add that I also have very little experience with relationships. So I'm not sure what's "normal" and what's not. I do understand it's always a lot more exciting in the beginning, after a while it isn't neccessary to be in touch so much and it's also the point where people can get hesitant, as they see through the initial "crush". But I still feel like somethings up here that she won't tell me.

 

[Milly]

I dunno, it does seem like you're overthinking things a bit. If she's not quite as enthusiastic as she was at first, that's quite a natural thing to happen over time - there's nothing necessarily wrong with it.

She's probably also aware of the difficulties you've been talking about and maybe she's worried about where this is heading - which might be why she's easing off and not seeming so keen. It's tricky, I guess, but this is the risk when you get involved in a distance thing, it'll always have to come to a head. How far away is she?

 

[sorandom5454]

I dunno, it does seem like you're overthinking things a bit. If she's not quite as enthusiastic as she was at first, that's quite a natural thing to happen over time - there's nothing necessarily wrong with it.

She's probably also aware of the difficulties you've been talking about and maybe she's worried about where this is heading - which might be why she's easing off and not seeming so keen. It's tricky, I guess, but this is the risk when you get involved in a distance thing, it'll always have to come to a head. How far away is she?

I tend to do that at times so you are probably right. However, this isn't something that's always on my mind or anything like that - I mean I do see the difficulties and I try to think that just time will tell and meanwhile live on as usual. It's just that her behaviour is confusing me and I don't like not really knowing at all where other people stand. Had she just been a little more clear instead of acting all weird when I tried talking to her about it (regardless of how she felt), it would have been better imo.

She lives in a country that's almost neighbour to mine so it's not that far. Right now it's just a matter of me being in a difficult situation where I can't really even spare the money to go see her though it wouldn't be that expensive to do so.