Needing to vent

[Serephina]

Hi,I could really do with some help and just venting as I have been finding a recent situation really hard to deal with(i'm sorry of this is a long post). I broke up with my boyfriend 5 weeks ago after over two years together. During which time because of his condition he would shout and argue with me and put me down constantly (he has aspergers), I even tried walking away from him on a number of occasions because of it. Sometimes he would split up with me over the smallest thing and disappear for days and the come back as if nothing had happened. I just felt that if he loved me he wouldn't be like that and made a lot of exceptions because of his condition. He was also agoraphobic when we met and I tried to help, support and encourage him to help make his life better. He started joining meet up groups and ended up throwing all his time in to that and exercising, he completely ignored me and never spent any time with me which made me feel unwanted. I also had depression so he walked out on me probably when I needed his support the most.

On the day we split up we had an argument and the neighbour came round because my ex kept shouting at me and they could hear it through the walls. They threatened to call the police and my ex decided that instead of speaking to the neighbour next door he would call the police himself (despite having a fear of them),he told the police that I had gone crazy (which I never I asked him to calm down as it was 11pm and my son had to go to school the next day),he also told them that he was fearing for his life and that he needed to be escorted out of the house. The police questioned me because the neighbours had said that my ex was constantly shouting and calling me names and they heard him threaten to kill me (although I admit he shouted, I never heard him threaten to kill me). The police escorted him out of the house and gave me some information on domestic violence (in case I needed it).

Shortly after I received a letter saying that because of the shouting from my ex, I was almost evicted from my home and made homeless,I have been placed on an order for 6 months and my ex isn't allowed in to my house (he lives 150 miles away). I also had a social worker come over and carry out an assessment and could've had my child taken away from me. I went though a really bad time. I thought I would never hear from him again but a week later he contacted me just asking for some clothes he left behind. He was also going on the help forum we met bragging about being single and telling everyone how much I had hurt him and making me out to be really bad. I told him that I felt hurt by what he was doing. We got talking over the next few weeks and he said he still loved me and that we just needed some time and eventually he would like to get back together. Being still in love with the guy,I told him how I felt and that I still had feelings but felt that I couldn't just be friends when I had these feelings.

Anyway, he eventually convinced me to be friends with him. I was under the assumption that we were to sort ourselves out and then get back together. On the same day he told me he loved me he told me that he had joined a dating site for friendship. My thoughts are that if you want to make friends online, you don't use a dating site to do that. I told him that and because he has messed my head up so much I am now having to avoid him. He is calling me paranoid and saying I don't trust him and I have no reason not to trust him. He's acting like he isn't bothered by the break up and moving on so quickly, I even found out that he has now joined several sites. I know he's single and can do what he likes it's just the fact that he made out he was still in love with me and that we were going to get back together and at the same time joined them.

I really need to go on this other site because I have social anxiety and am due to get CBT soon (cognitive behaviour therapy). I am doing my best to get my life sorted, this site is the only one that's more UK based and they have help information on it. I also don't see why I should get bullied off a site when I have done nothing wrong. He is going on this site still making me out to be really bad and telling everyone he is so heartbroken and that he's lost the love of his life for sympathy. He hasn't told them he told me he still loved me and then joined a dating site or his part in things. He's really popular on the site and despite the amount of times he has spoken about me, he hasn't been banned. I told the moderator because he doesn't have many friends he needed the site as an outlet,but he has really gone to far to the point I don't feel comfortable. I haven't told anyone what he has done. Also because I still love him,I am finding this all really difficult. I have to keep hearing people telling him that he will find someone else and that he's such a nice,good and caring guy. It's just really getting to me.

 

[Serephina]

please someone help me make sense of this.

 

[ladyforsaken]

Wow, Serephina... I really don't know what to say but he's acting like a real jerk. I'm sorry if this isn't something you want to hear right now but that's really how I'm seeing it from your descriptions. I'm so sorry you had to go through such a terrible thing with him and for your break up. It's never pleasant to go through something like that, and in this case, top it with all the negative reactions he gave you.

As far as the website is concerned, it's a good thing you had a word with the moderator. I hope they can help you with telling him to stop spewing hate stuff about you when it's not the truth. I'm not sure if you've already done this, but did you outright tell him to stop doing this?

If he continues to make you out to be the bad guy in all of this, I don't see why you should still be "friends" with him. In fact, after all that has happened before you were convinced to be friends with him, I don't think you should even consider it. It wasn't right how he treated you. Yelling and shouting at someone out of any emotion is just rude and unhelpful. Especially for a grown person like him.

If someone like that was a threat to my life for causing me so much blunder like he did to you - especially with your son involved, I would totally cut him off immediately. Yes, you'd still love him, but you have to think of it practically too. You gotta watch out for your safety as well as your son's and he's not making things any better, even after convincing you to remain friends with him. Friends don't do honeysuckle like this to one another.

It all looks like a huge mess and I'm not sure what you should get done first, but telling him to stop going around the site speaking ill about you would be a start. If he doesn't want to stop, and if the moderators can't help (that would be a really shitty set of moderators if they allow him to, as you say, bully you off the site) then that place really isn't right for you, for the time being.

Aside from that, I think you should really stop any contact you have with him, for now. I'm not saying that it's going to be easy but it's essentially crucial for your sanity and well-being. I see this guy doing more harm than good by being in your life.

I hope this gets resolved sooner rather than later. I can't imagine how much distress it must have caused you by now. Please keep talking to us about this, I'm not sure if any of what I said is helpful at all but I'm always here to listen, and I'm sure a few more people here will say something helpful with time. Stay strong and please hang in there, Serephina. *hugs*

 

[Serephina]

Ladyforsaken-Thank you. I have reminded him a couple of times that we are both members on that forum and I also need to use it to get help,he knows this but he still does it. When I found out about him going on the dating site,I told him not to contact me,I think that was just the final straw,and he still sent me two emails after that trying to convince me that what he was doing was right and that I was the one in the wrong. That last email I sent him was on Wednesday.

 

[Serenia]

I have heard of.something very similar happening. If it was me. I would tell him clearly that you need to cut all contact with him for the sake of yourself and your child. You will find help from somewhere else, try posting here more maybe? You can tell him the way he has treated you is unacceptable escpecially what he is posting.

Unfortunately you may just have to forget the other forum and their opinions. They haven't been given the full story and some people don't want to hear it either, they prefer the drama. You don't need these people, they will not help you feel better. I know it is massively annoying to see someone get sympathy when they don't deserve it. He should be spending his time trying to learn to live more peacefully and understand his conditon better to get more out of life.

Being in love is one of the hardest things to let go of, but it isnt a healthy love and you and your child deserve a healthy love. The person I know who went through similar concentrated on her kids filled her time with books and games until thingsbfelt less raw. For what he has put you through with your child alone is enough to cut all contact. You deserve to feels safe and secure.

Good luck and let us know how you get on.

 

[Serephina]

Serenia,thank you,I will be posting here more from now on. The reason I needed the other site as well is because of my social anxiety and the other site is a help site,but yes I get what you mean,I might go on there again eventually but perhaps now isn't the best time. It just makes me so angry that when we split I was almost made homeless and could've lost my child as well as dealing with the negativity that he was still putting me through. He keeps mentioning on the board that he has lost the love of his life,I just feel if I was the love of his life he wouldn't be treating me this way. I have no idea why someone would do this. Anyway on the positive,I guess I will try and see today as a new day,I have joined a couple of classes to get myself out and socialising again,although they don't start until next month.

 

[ladyforsaken]

Ladyforsaken-Thank you. I have reminded him a couple of times that we are both members on that forum and I also need to use it to get help,he knows this but he still does it. When I found out about him going on the dating site,I told him not to contact me,I think that was just the final straw,and he still sent me two emails after that trying to convince me that what he was doing was right and that I was the one in the wrong. That last email I sent him was on Wednesday.

Well, he's delusional about who's wrong or who's right. Good on you to tell him to stop contacting you. I hope he has after those e-mails.

It just makes me so angry that when we split I was almost made homeless and could've lost my child as well as dealing with the negativity that he was still putting me through. He keeps mentioning on the board that he has lost the love of his life,I just feel if I was the love of his life he wouldn't be treating me this way. I have no idea why someone would do this. Anyway on the positive,I guess I will try and see today as a new day,I have joined a couple of classes to get myself out and socialising again,although they don't start until next month.

That's perfectly understandable you'd feel angry. Your home AND your child - that's just too much.

Why is he doing this if he claims you to be the love of his life? Oh I don't know, it just seems like he's holding a pity party all over for himself. It's a rather pathetic move after what he did, but what can you do? He wants to behave that way, so be it. You just keep on doing your thing as long as your conscience is clear and you know you're doing the best you can to keep yourself and your son safe.

That's also a good thing you chose to join a couple of classes. It's a good start, it'll help keep yourself occupied so you will find less time to dwell on the negativity from all of this.

 

[Paraiyar]

This may seem blunt but get him out of your life.