Thank you for all your replies: DVEEUS, ABrokenMan, rivermaze (nice to see you around here again), Peaches, sk66rc, LonesomeLoner, Mr Seal, Case, Omnipotent Soul, and Nilla.
There are so many kind people here, sometimes I forget this one reason out of a few of why I'm on this forum and why I'm still here. That reason being that it's nice to be around good and kind people, I like it. Big warm hugs to all of you. Even to those who read my post but didn't post anything. I still appreciate the eyes lent.
Before I say anything else, I'd just like to answer some questions.
rivermaze said:
Are you still looking for a job Lady?
Yes, I'm still looking. I'd go into great detail of my past few months looking for a job, only to waste my time and then only to find how much more difficult it is to get one single interview. I think it's mostly because I'm overqualified for the jobs I'm applying for. I have no desire to do anything more or anything at my level of qualification. I'll leave it at this for now.
Peaches said:
Perhaps lately you have become less antisocial? or maybe the rollercoasters were too many and now you need more support, or maybe the difference is that now you believe that external support is possible while before you had adapted to "make do" by yourself?
Lovely Peaches, you've been there for me right from the beginning. I love you for that, you know.
I think I was trying to be more available for socialising to take place because I was trying to change what I was feeling and I think, I figured if more people come talk to me, things will get better. Not really though, that's not the right solution because it was going against my person, this person within me who is not very sociable, and it turned me into someone I'm not and I really am so ashamed of it. I'll explain why in a bit.
I don't honestly know if this is the worst rollercoaster ride of emotions I've ever experienced in my life. It's hard to tell anymore. Maybe cos I can't really compare? Can't compare it to when my father passed away. Can't compare it to when I hear news of my diagnosis. Can't compare it to an abusive relationship. Cos they're all varying degrees of pain and hurt I had to endure and go through. But I guess this one is different because there are a variety of things occurring all at the same time. I don't feel overwhelmed, I just feel.. off.
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Anyway, I was going to explain something earlier. Trying to deal with all that's going on in my life right now kinda brought back some of the depression. But I don't want it. I want it to go away. I want to actively get rid of it so I guess, in my own head I am trying to do different things to get rid of it. One of them was what I said, making myself more available for social contact. Forcing myself to be okay, is another - putting up a positive front when all I think is mostly negative.
Allowing more social contact and forcing myself to be all okay only deprived me of healing, I guess. It's obvious, even I would say it if it was happening to someone else. I'm not doing the right things, I'm not doing it the right way.
The more I try to be okay, the more lonely I feel.. it's ironic but I see it. I see why, now. I don't quite know how to explain it, but it's something like depriving my anti-social soul of being anti-social, that it just came out even more in the form of feeling extremely lonely - not as part of me or my companion, but as an emotion of feeling lonely, which is feeling so foreign to me now because I am detached from my own person, my own soul.
If that makes any sense at all.
This basically means, in simpler words - I lost myself. And so that happened, I start being a bit too much.. and I realise that I might have hurt or annoyed or pressured some people I truly care about along the way. This isn't how I am. I'm not this annoying girl who gets in people's faces and pressures them. I'm not this girl who creates 3 different threads in a day, 2 of which are diary posts. I'm not this girl to spam at least 2 pages worth of the game threads. Today, I realised, that in doing something like that means something is totally wrong with me.
So I need to crawl back into my shell. So I can come back to solitude and loneliness and re-attach to them so that I won't feel so lonely anymore, or so that this feeling won't be so foreign to me, so that being alone would feel okay, and
more importantly, so that I don't hurt the people I truly love and care for around me because I don't want to drive them away - like I have been doing in the past.
So with this stupidly long post, I apologise to whoever has felt any bad feeling from me, any weirdness, awkwardness, annoyance, pressure or whatever there is, you name it. And please don't get offended if I don't reply to PMs just yet.. I think I need some time.
Edit: Also, thank you to those who have talked to me and been there for me all this while. I deeply appreciate it, more than you know.