randomhero1984
Active member
- Joined
- Aug 1, 2016
- Messages
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I signed up here because it was absolutely random in my search for a place to talk.
I've been through so much horrible **** in the last 6 years I don't understand why some close to me don't understand the will power it's taken to get through it.
I won't get into a life story, however in a nutshell this day 6 years ago I was happily married with a son, a beautiful home, good job, I had really made it from absolute and total poverty and drug problems to being a healthy, loving, in love, happily married and living an impossible dream. Shortly after my wife cheated, she then kinda back peddled and called me in tears and for hours explained how horrible she felt and how sorry she was and was very sincere. The next day she took off and I never saw her again until court where she basically said the most horrible and outright fabricated stories possible, wouldn't speak to me, was seeing someone else, was threatening me in anger constantly and just turned from the happiest best thing in my life that I cherished daily for 10+ years to someone absolutely hating me and never telling me why at all.
I learnt, regrettably, to accept she wasn't the same, I moved on (Eventually), and got to a place in which I recognize that for that time we were together it was the most amazing part of my life, I love our child, we at least "Talk" now but that's about it.... it's dealt with. However anyone who's been divorced knows lawyers bankrupt you.
So it's 6 years later, I really hit low for a very long time after losing everything, most importantly my family which I loved very much more than words could ever describe. My best friend, wife, love of my life (who I as hard to believe is true, totally accept is of the past. It would never be the same), home, hard work, friends, passion, drive, humility... I pretty much worked + slept non stop for 3 years after (Seeing my son was the only thing keeping me ok).
I've had brief moments of financially recovery but times are hard, my professional job sector's salaries are dropping faster than the housing market, I'm paying so much in support it leaves me with probably 45% of my income. I got so depressed I first drank a lot, then realized no amount of drunk ever worked anymore to make me forget how horrible life had gotten.
I kept working 80+ hours and more throughout all this, I'm good enough at my somewhat rare skillset that I have shown up drunk to work and done my job but that was at its worst, I don't do that anymore cause again, no amount of inebriation dulls things anymore.
I suppose that gets to my point, I'm not so much lonely because I have had a bad life up till the past 6 years, and I do love my child, but I used to be very involved in very DIY, activist (social/civil rights/ecological), Musician and just kind of (on personal reflection) someone I was proud of. I've lost touch with 100s of friends, I can't relate to most personally and deeply because my life hasn't been a normal straight arrow. I let some aspects of my health get bad, got back in shape but have some battle scars from it (not self inflicted or anything like that).
My depressive periods are what I consider normal in saying it was the worst time of my life by far, now I find myself struggling to swim and survive economoicaly for myself and my child but also having no personal life anymore, no friends calling anymore, nobody seems to remember me despite the fact I used to have so many artists and fun people in and out of my homes for decades being involved in the 90s/2000s underground cultures that existed. I've lost every aspect of me and don't know where to find anyone to relate too when I feel I come from a very different life than most I've met.
This might make no sense to most, some to few and sound out of context to some. I'm just tired of having nobody to talk to anymore, and I miss people (Friends) who are all but gone (out of town, country, married, dead), it's like life moved by without me....
I'm not depressed or suicidal, just a bit emotional in day to day life.
I've been through so much horrible **** in the last 6 years I don't understand why some close to me don't understand the will power it's taken to get through it.
I won't get into a life story, however in a nutshell this day 6 years ago I was happily married with a son, a beautiful home, good job, I had really made it from absolute and total poverty and drug problems to being a healthy, loving, in love, happily married and living an impossible dream. Shortly after my wife cheated, she then kinda back peddled and called me in tears and for hours explained how horrible she felt and how sorry she was and was very sincere. The next day she took off and I never saw her again until court where she basically said the most horrible and outright fabricated stories possible, wouldn't speak to me, was seeing someone else, was threatening me in anger constantly and just turned from the happiest best thing in my life that I cherished daily for 10+ years to someone absolutely hating me and never telling me why at all.
I learnt, regrettably, to accept she wasn't the same, I moved on (Eventually), and got to a place in which I recognize that for that time we were together it was the most amazing part of my life, I love our child, we at least "Talk" now but that's about it.... it's dealt with. However anyone who's been divorced knows lawyers bankrupt you.
So it's 6 years later, I really hit low for a very long time after losing everything, most importantly my family which I loved very much more than words could ever describe. My best friend, wife, love of my life (who I as hard to believe is true, totally accept is of the past. It would never be the same), home, hard work, friends, passion, drive, humility... I pretty much worked + slept non stop for 3 years after (Seeing my son was the only thing keeping me ok).
I've had brief moments of financially recovery but times are hard, my professional job sector's salaries are dropping faster than the housing market, I'm paying so much in support it leaves me with probably 45% of my income. I got so depressed I first drank a lot, then realized no amount of drunk ever worked anymore to make me forget how horrible life had gotten.
I kept working 80+ hours and more throughout all this, I'm good enough at my somewhat rare skillset that I have shown up drunk to work and done my job but that was at its worst, I don't do that anymore cause again, no amount of inebriation dulls things anymore.
I suppose that gets to my point, I'm not so much lonely because I have had a bad life up till the past 6 years, and I do love my child, but I used to be very involved in very DIY, activist (social/civil rights/ecological), Musician and just kind of (on personal reflection) someone I was proud of. I've lost touch with 100s of friends, I can't relate to most personally and deeply because my life hasn't been a normal straight arrow. I let some aspects of my health get bad, got back in shape but have some battle scars from it (not self inflicted or anything like that).
My depressive periods are what I consider normal in saying it was the worst time of my life by far, now I find myself struggling to swim and survive economoicaly for myself and my child but also having no personal life anymore, no friends calling anymore, nobody seems to remember me despite the fact I used to have so many artists and fun people in and out of my homes for decades being involved in the 90s/2000s underground cultures that existed. I've lost every aspect of me and don't know where to find anyone to relate too when I feel I come from a very different life than most I've met.
This might make no sense to most, some to few and sound out of context to some. I'm just tired of having nobody to talk to anymore, and I miss people (Friends) who are all but gone (out of town, country, married, dead), it's like life moved by without me....
I'm not depressed or suicidal, just a bit emotional in day to day life.
Just don't give up now.
