desiderio
Member
G'day,
(Sorry. My life in 1,000 words or less...)
As far as my memory can be trusted, I was quite a social boy when I was younger; lots of friends in school; even seen as a leader when it came to decision making about what game to play at recess. And then we relocated, and it all fell apart... by the end of primary school, I only had 1 close friend, and whilst we went to the same high school, we only ever had 2 classes together, and drifted apart.
But that was ok, because I found a new niche of friends, geeks like myself for the most part, though again there was really only 1 of those whom I ever saw outside of school - socially, I guess you'd call it. But that was ok - I had finally convinced my parents of the need to buy a computer, and all that non-school time was well spent playing Dark Castle, or creating the world's most amazing relational Doctor Who Data Bank using Apple's HyperCard program. (Man that thing was amazing...)
When the girl that I'd been crushing on for a few years asked me to help her to get together with that 1 outside-school friend... it was like a slow release poison... and whilst she got what she wanted (with my help), I lost everything...
But that was ok, cos then I went off to uni. Didn't know anyone there, but of course, my amazing social skills... my ability to go to a party and... Well, thank god for the development of the World Wide Web and html chat sites! Who needed locally based friends (who never wanted to interact outside school/uni anyway, when I had Alamak, and The Park, and even good old dirty bianca's to hang out in and actually talk to people...
And never mind that I was 21 and had never had a girlfriend in real life, cos I had some great online girlfriends... Cali Baby from - you guessed it - California... Citrana from... yep, Orange Cou- Nah, she was from North-something I think... (More interestingly, She was from a BDSM room - ooh la la!) belle from Toronto... If you are seeing a pattern, it's - they are all from North America... Which was fine, but - I live in Australia...
In fact, I did meet a few local girls... 3... And I saw each of them in person... once... And never saw them again... (their choices...) But that's ok, I can take a hint... Short, ugly, socially inept... Doesn't take a second date to figure that out.
Then, after being talked into going to a New Year's Eve party, and doing my best not to fall into my usual wallflower habits... I met this girl, and she genuinely seemed to enjoy my company. She eventually said those words... "So are you going to kiss me?" and we were officially dating...
For a while, there was a small group of us who did stuff together... bowling... movie nights... bbq's... full on social life... but over time that faded, not that she seemed to mind - her own parents' opinion was that they had each other, and that's all they needed... she seemed to think that was a good model to base a relationship on... And I had no friends to get in the way... so life went on... we had a kid... fought over economics (ie distribution of money)... had another kid...
and all the while, as soon as she went to bed each night, I'd stay up for a few hours, going online and... well, I'll leave some things to the imagination... (did I mention she's regularly said "I could live without ever having sex"?)
But it's ok, cos... the way I see it, in 38 years I've only kissed 3 girls... the first in grade 1... then a hooker... and lastly the only woman who has ever said "I love you"... So I guess I really should just be grateful that there's someone to go crawl into bed with at 2am, and it's not an empty bed... except that I know there's nothing in my heart now for her... no pain when we fight... no pleasure when she's happy... should be grateful...
The problem with all this? Two months ago I was at the crux of it all, knowing I was sick of not actually having anyone I could really engage with... and then I met her... we spoke for all of 2 minutes on a chat site, before she had to go, but gave me her email... I wrote such a crazy long email to her, after those 2 minutes... and went to bed... then woke to find she had replied, "inline" (not just writing the reply at the top/bottom - but in a different color between, and sometimes amidst my paragraphs!), and just simply - it was like this incredible exciting heady rush of words that flowed between us for 6 weeks, including her offer to meet in person... and not just for coffee...
But I couldn't... I may be fine with faking love... but I'm not fine with cheating on that fakery... And so she moved on to someone else who wasn't married... someone she said she didn't feel that instant intensity with, but whom she hoped a future may present itself... And that's a good thing... for her... and I would never deny her that possibility, when I myself am not in a position to leave my wife...
But it hurts...
And again, I'm alone and hurting... in my own messed up life, of my own doing...
Hello lonely lifers.
(Sorry. My life in 1,000 words or less...)
As far as my memory can be trusted, I was quite a social boy when I was younger; lots of friends in school; even seen as a leader when it came to decision making about what game to play at recess. And then we relocated, and it all fell apart... by the end of primary school, I only had 1 close friend, and whilst we went to the same high school, we only ever had 2 classes together, and drifted apart.
But that was ok, because I found a new niche of friends, geeks like myself for the most part, though again there was really only 1 of those whom I ever saw outside of school - socially, I guess you'd call it. But that was ok - I had finally convinced my parents of the need to buy a computer, and all that non-school time was well spent playing Dark Castle, or creating the world's most amazing relational Doctor Who Data Bank using Apple's HyperCard program. (Man that thing was amazing...)
When the girl that I'd been crushing on for a few years asked me to help her to get together with that 1 outside-school friend... it was like a slow release poison... and whilst she got what she wanted (with my help), I lost everything...
But that was ok, cos then I went off to uni. Didn't know anyone there, but of course, my amazing social skills... my ability to go to a party and... Well, thank god for the development of the World Wide Web and html chat sites! Who needed locally based friends (who never wanted to interact outside school/uni anyway, when I had Alamak, and The Park, and even good old dirty bianca's to hang out in and actually talk to people...
And never mind that I was 21 and had never had a girlfriend in real life, cos I had some great online girlfriends... Cali Baby from - you guessed it - California... Citrana from... yep, Orange Cou- Nah, she was from North-something I think... (More interestingly, She was from a BDSM room - ooh la la!) belle from Toronto... If you are seeing a pattern, it's - they are all from North America... Which was fine, but - I live in Australia...
In fact, I did meet a few local girls... 3... And I saw each of them in person... once... And never saw them again... (their choices...) But that's ok, I can take a hint... Short, ugly, socially inept... Doesn't take a second date to figure that out.
Then, after being talked into going to a New Year's Eve party, and doing my best not to fall into my usual wallflower habits... I met this girl, and she genuinely seemed to enjoy my company. She eventually said those words... "So are you going to kiss me?" and we were officially dating...
For a while, there was a small group of us who did stuff together... bowling... movie nights... bbq's... full on social life... but over time that faded, not that she seemed to mind - her own parents' opinion was that they had each other, and that's all they needed... she seemed to think that was a good model to base a relationship on... And I had no friends to get in the way... so life went on... we had a kid... fought over economics (ie distribution of money)... had another kid...
and all the while, as soon as she went to bed each night, I'd stay up for a few hours, going online and... well, I'll leave some things to the imagination... (did I mention she's regularly said "I could live without ever having sex"?)
But it's ok, cos... the way I see it, in 38 years I've only kissed 3 girls... the first in grade 1... then a hooker... and lastly the only woman who has ever said "I love you"... So I guess I really should just be grateful that there's someone to go crawl into bed with at 2am, and it's not an empty bed... except that I know there's nothing in my heart now for her... no pain when we fight... no pleasure when she's happy... should be grateful...
The problem with all this? Two months ago I was at the crux of it all, knowing I was sick of not actually having anyone I could really engage with... and then I met her... we spoke for all of 2 minutes on a chat site, before she had to go, but gave me her email... I wrote such a crazy long email to her, after those 2 minutes... and went to bed... then woke to find she had replied, "inline" (not just writing the reply at the top/bottom - but in a different color between, and sometimes amidst my paragraphs!), and just simply - it was like this incredible exciting heady rush of words that flowed between us for 6 weeks, including her offer to meet in person... and not just for coffee...
But I couldn't... I may be fine with faking love... but I'm not fine with cheating on that fakery... And so she moved on to someone else who wasn't married... someone she said she didn't feel that instant intensity with, but whom she hoped a future may present itself... And that's a good thing... for her... and I would never deny her that possibility, when I myself am not in a position to leave my wife...
But it hurts...
And again, I'm alone and hurting... in my own messed up life, of my own doing...
Hello lonely lifers.
