Normality

[Despicable Me]

What does it mean to be 'normal'?
I've never been able to truly call myself 'normal', for many different reasons. I am simply just different.
Yet, for so many years now I've been attempting to live this life that is just rather 'normal'. I think that is probably my problem. I've been living someone else's life.

When I was younger that's all I ever wanted. "Be careful what you wish for", they say. I wasn't. I did it anyway.

I was stupid. And young. And naive. Since when do wishes come true, anyway? Is there any way to get my wish back? Is it too late?
I've asked "God" before, about getting my wish back, but it's like he's not even trying to provide customer service. It's like he's not even there!

Jokes aside, does anyone else feel like they are just living someone else's life? A life not really designed for them? Maybe this is itself part of this "normal" life I've wished for.
Or maybe this is just merely the repressed difference creeping out, like a monster from its cage.

What is "normal", anyway? I wonder. Or maybe I wander. I'm not sure anymore.

 

[TheRealCallie]

I don't feel like I'm living someone else's life, but I do feel that people expect me to live someone else's life. Be something I'm not. Sorry, but I am who I am and I spent too many years trying to be something someone else wanted me to be. I won't do that anymore. I am me. Take it or leave it, I don't really care, but I will NOT be something I'm not just to please others.

 

[Despicable Me]

Take it or leave it, I don't really care, but I will NOT be something I'm not just to please others.

-sigh-
I wish I could forget all of that and just be myself, too. But I would end up hurting too many people...
Though, the last couple of years have really just been me wondering how long will I delay the inevitable.

And to add, there are some people who think I do everything wrong no matter what I do. People who want me dead, many of them mean it literally. I don't really care much about what other people think, but it does make you question yourself when you repeatedly hear the same things being said to you. Sometimes I think maybe I'm not just living in someone else's life, but maybe even someone else's world. And sometimes I get so detached, nothing even seems real anymore.

---
P.S. Callie, I know you've taken a lot on this forum lately, and we've had our own differences, but I do think there's one thing everyone should respect about you. You're always being yourself no matter what others say.

 

[TheRealCallie]

-sigh-
I wish I could forget all of that and just be myself, too. But I would end up hurting too many people...
Though, the last couple of years have really just been me wondering how long will I delay the inevitable.

And to add, there are some people who think I do everything wrong no matter what I do. People who want me dead, many of them mean it literally. I don't really care much about what other people think, but it does make you question yourself when you repeatedly hear the same things being said to you. Sometimes I think maybe I'm not just living in someone else's life, but maybe even someone else's world. And sometimes I get so detached, nothing even seems real anymore.

---
P.S. Callie, I know you've taken a lot on this forum lately, and we've had our own differences, but I do think there's one thing everyone should respect about you. You're always being yourself no matter what others say.

You say it would hurt others if you were to be yourself, but aren't you hurting YOURSELF by being someone you're not? Perhaps you could find a happy medium for now?
Aside from that though, if they don't accept you as you are, are they really worth the effort you are putting out there? I did lose some people when I stopped running every time they called, when I stopped being a "lap dog" (for lack of a better term), but those people didn't really care about me, just what I could do for them.
Things can't change until you stop allowing others to control you, which is essentially what you are doing. You will likely always feel that way unless you start being who you are. If people love you, they will accept you as you are.

I usually have differences with everyone at some point, I choose to look at it as debating unless it gets extremely out of hand. I've never had any hard feelings toward you. Thank you for saying that.

 

[Tiina63]

I don't feel like I'm living someone else's life, but I do feel that people expect me to live someone else's life. Be something I'm not. Sorry, but I am who I am and I spent too many years trying to be something someone else wanted me to be. I won't do that anymore. I am me. Take it or leave it, I don't really care, but I will NOT be something I'm not just to please others.

Like you I have spent most of my life living someone else's life. How have you managed to stop doing this? I am still struggling with it and although I am slowly getting better at being me, I still have a long way to go. It's difficult when I say something I have thought and felt for years and people are taken aback by it. It makes me realise that my image is still different from who I really am.
OP-you said something about the repressed difference coming out like a monster from a cage. You need help and support to see that your real self isn't some sort of monster. I know what you said was probably a throw away remark, but often these sort of comments reveal our true thoughts.

 

[TheRealCallie]

I don't feel like I'm living someone else's life, but I do feel that people expect me to live someone else's life. Be something I'm not. Sorry, but I am who I am and I spent too many years trying to be something someone else wanted me to be. I won't do that anymore. I am me. Take it or leave it, I don't really care, but I will NOT be something I'm not just to please others.

Like you I have spent most of my life living someone else's life. How have you managed to stop doing this? I am still struggling with it and although I am slowly getting better at being me, I still have a long way to go. It's difficult when I say something I have thought and felt for years and people are taken aback by it. It makes me realise that my image is still different from who I really am.
OP-you said something about the repressed difference coming out like a monster from a cage. You need help and support to see that your real self isn't some sort of monster. I know what you said was probably a throw away remark, but often these sort of comments reveal our true thoughts.

Yeah, I managed to stop doing it. I still sometimes catch myself doing things. Hiding certain things about me, doing things I wouldn't want to do, so I think it will be a work in progress for many years. But the important thing is that I'm no longer doing it consciously. Yes, I slip up and sometimes do things other people would want me to do or that other people expect me to do because it was a habit for so long. It happens less and less now though and it will continue to lessen until I don't do it at all anymore.
Different people in my life have different images/expectations of who I am. Whether it's my family, groups of friends, acquaintances, people I went to school with....
I think there's only been 2 people in my life who didn't expect me to be someone else. They saw through everything, through the bullshit. I think that's why it was somewhat easier for me to do in the end, because of those two people.
Sadly, one of those people later needed/required me to be someone else and I was many different people in many different lives for him. He made my life hell to be honest and I'm still recovering from that, but I also don't think I could have done half of what I've accomplished since him if I didn't go through what I did.

 

[dd11]

You just have to give yourself permission to be you. You like what you like. Your interests are not someone else's interests. However, with that you have to stop seeking other people's approval for being you. That isn't likely going to happen. People mostly only care about their own stuff. So, start caring about your own stuff.

 

[Despicable Me]

Thank you everyone for your replies. The problem is that I don't think this issue is just that simple. I can't just stop worrying about what other people think.

You say it would hurt others if you were to be yourself, but aren't you hurting YOURSELF by being someone you're not? Perhaps you could find a happy medium for now?
Aside from that though, if they don't accept you as you are, are they really worth the effort you are putting out there? I did lose some people when I stopped running every time they called, when I stopped being a "lap dog" (for lack of a better term), but those people didn't really care about me, just what I could do for them.
Things can't change until you stop allowing others to control you, which is essentially what you are doing. You will likely always feel that way unless you start being who you are. If people love you, they will accept you as you are.

I usually have differences with everyone at some point, I choose to look at it as debating unless it gets extremely out of hand. I've never had any hard feelings toward you. Thank you for saying that.

Everything you said is very true. However, this is the "happy medium" for me. I don't know where to go from here. I've weighed all my options carefully. There isn't an obvious path to take. It's arbitrary and subjective.

The old way of doing things, trying to 'make everyone happy', is not realistic and I just couldn't handle it. It just doesn't work, it goes against all of my beliefs, and I was never happy. I doubt I ever truly made anyone else happy either, but I don't know. You never really know.
I even went through a period where I wanted no one to be happy, because I was not happy either. That didn't work either, for obvious reasons.
But now I kind of just drift on that borderline, between unhappiness and happiness. I just drift around in 'normality'.

And, as I said, it's just not so easy to just be myself. And maybe it's time I explained why... but the truth is sometimes only more of a nightmare than pretending everything is fine.

OP-you said something about the repressed difference coming out like a monster from a cage. You need help and support to see that your real self isn't some sort of monster. I know what you said was probably a throw away remark, but often these sort of comments reveal our true thoughts.

Sadly, it wasn't a throw away remark at all. It refers to the very first topic I created when I joined this forum.

The thing is, what if who someone truly is, is truly a monster? Not the kind who just hurts everyone for some evil purposes, but hurts people because it is a necessity for their survival, because they must defend their way of life?

I'll use something else as an example, but let's say we're talking about a kleptomaniac. They want to steal things just to feel okay with themselves. They don't really want to hurt anyone, but it's just who they are. It's a part of them. But even more than just hurting people, it's also illegal. Pretty much no one understands it at all either. Kleptos are judged without mercy.
Now, they could repress this and live a "normal" life, but they never feel okay with themselves. It will constantly bother them. In fact, I'd even bet that pretending to be 'normal', and repressing this part of themselves, takes all the strength they have if they are even able to keep it repressed at all.
Generally this is what society wants for them, too. Society doesn't want people going around stealing things just to steal things. It makes people angry, and again no one truly understands. They don't care at all what happens to the individual with the issues, they just want to keep their own comfort. They'd be happy with these individuals in prison for the rest of their lives.

Being who they are isn't just hurting others, it is also hurting themselves and also anyone they love. Even if those who love this person accept them for who they are, they will still be hurt by the reality of the situation. And the truth is that the current society we live in just doesn't even want these people to exist at all.

I will state I'm not a Kleptomaniac, but sadly I can relate to all of the issues above, and more. Is it really 'wrong' to call myself a 'monster'?
So what does someone in such a situation do?
Just keep pretending to be normal? How long can something like that last? What do you do if/when that falls apart?

I'm just so very tired. I don't really want to burden anyone with my problems. I just sometimes wonder if maybe I'm looking at the problem the wrong way.

 

[kamya]

You'd have fun with shrooms.

 

[Tiina63]

The Real Callie-thank you for your reply. I will save it to my hard drive-I do this with all useful and helpful comments.
OP-I don't know what it is in you which makes you think you are a monster and I won't ask you to tell me unless you want to pm me at some stage. But, if you really were some sort of monster, I doubt very much that you would be on here at all agonising and worrying about it.

 

[Eliraven]

I don't feel like I'm living someone else's life, but I do feel that people expect me to live someone else's life. Be something I'm not. Sorry, but I am who I am and I spent too many years trying to be something someone else wanted me to be. I won't do that anymore. I am me. Take it or leave it, I don't really care, but I will NOT be something I'm not just to please others.

Exactly what happen to me. I'm going at my own pace doing what I love and feel it is right for me.

 

[Despicable Me]

I just wanted to stop in and say thanks to everyone for posting.
I've thought about quite a lot of things since I made this topic, and I think that you all are right. It isn't quite so easy as to simply just 'be myself', because there's many complications with that, but I think I was missing something. And that something really was simpler than I previously assumed. I was trying so hard to think 'outside of the box' all the time that I forgot about thinking inside of the box on occasion. The 'outside of the box' became my box, in a way. What an irony.

I lost hope on something important and also lost faith in my own abilities. But it is not 'me' to simply just give up on something, despite what anyone else might think of my situation.
I think I lost site of what was real to me, and that explained why nothing felt real anymore.

There is still a heavy burden on my back but, at least for now, it doesn't feel quite so heavy.

I think I've got a bit more clarity on this issue now. I can't say everything will pan out as planned (it never really does for me), but I will continue on the path that I had planned for myself a few years back and long forgotten about now.
Hopefully this time I can remember. This is just really hard to do when the days go by and nothing much ever really changes for the better. Sometimes I forget a lot of things, including myself. My memory was never one of my strengths.
Perhaps now I can collect a few other things that I have lost sight of. Then put myself back together, piece by piece. It's a long journey ahead... but at least now I've packed a bag and have a direction to go.

So thank you again.