Thank you everyone for your replies. The problem is that I don't think this issue is just that simple. I can't just stop worrying about what other people think.
TheRealCallie said:
You say it would hurt others if you were to be yourself, but aren't you hurting YOURSELF by being someone you're not? Perhaps you could find a happy medium for now?
Aside from that though, if they don't accept you as you are, are they really worth the effort you are putting out there? I did lose some people when I stopped running every time they called, when I stopped being a "lap dog" (for lack of a better term), but those people didn't really care about me, just what I could do for them.
Things can't change until you stop allowing others to control you, which is essentially what you are doing. You will likely always feel that way unless you start being who you are. If people love you, they will accept you as you are.
I usually have differences with everyone at some point, I choose to look at it as debating unless it gets extremely out of hand. I've never had any hard feelings toward you. Thank you for saying that.
Everything you said is very true. However, this is the "happy medium" for me. I don't know where to go from here. I've weighed all my options carefully. There isn't an obvious path to take. It's arbitrary and subjective.
The old way of doing things, trying to 'make everyone happy', is not realistic and I just couldn't handle it. It just doesn't work, it goes against all of my beliefs, and I was never happy. I doubt I ever truly made anyone else happy either, but I don't know. You never really know.
I even went through a period where I wanted no one to be happy, because I was not happy either. That didn't work either, for obvious reasons.
But now I kind of just drift on that borderline, between unhappiness and happiness. I just drift around in 'normality'.
And, as I said, it's just not so easy to just be myself. And maybe it's time I explained why... but the truth is sometimes only more of a nightmare than pretending everything is fine.
Tiina63 said:
OP-you said something about the repressed difference coming out like a monster from a cage. You need help and support to see that your real self isn't some sort of monster. I know what you said was probably a throw away remark, but often these sort of comments reveal our true thoughts.
Sadly, it wasn't a throw away remark at all. It refers to the very first topic I created when I joined this forum.
The thing is, what if who someone truly is, is truly a monster? Not the kind who just hurts everyone for some evil purposes, but hurts people because it is a necessity for their survival, because they must defend their way of life?
I'll use something else as an example, but let's say we're talking about a kleptomaniac. They want to steal things just to feel okay with themselves. They don't really want to hurt anyone, but it's just who they are. It's a part of them. But even more than just hurting people, it's also illegal. Pretty much no one understands it at all either. Kleptos are judged without mercy.
Now, they could repress this and live a "normal" life, but they never feel okay with themselves. It will constantly bother them. In fact, I'd even bet that pretending to be 'normal', and repressing this part of themselves, takes all the strength they have if they are even able to keep it repressed at all.
Generally this is what society wants for them, too. Society doesn't want people going around stealing things just to steal things. It makes people angry, and again no one truly understands. They don't care at all what happens to the individual with the issues, they just want to keep their own comfort. They'd be happy with these individuals in prison for the rest of their lives.
Being who they are isn't just hurting others, it is also hurting themselves and also anyone they love. Even if those who love this person accept them for who they are, they will still be hurt by the reality of the situation. And the truth is that the current society we live in just doesn't even want these people to exist at all.
I will state I'm not a Kleptomaniac, but sadly I can relate to all of the issues above, and more. Is it really 'wrong' to call myself a 'monster'?
So what does someone in such a situation do?
Just keep pretending to be normal? How long can something like that last? What do you do if/when that falls apart?
I'm just so very tired. I don't really want to burden anyone with my problems. I just sometimes wonder if maybe I'm looking at the problem the wrong way.