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tedgresham

Writer, Thinker, Trouble Maker
Joined
Sep 20, 2011
Messages
221
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Location
Lufkin, TX
I've written about what I'm going to write about already, somewhere here. I forget. But today I need to vent.

I've been married for 44 years. We've been up and down but almost always got along. She's always been the star in my sky. But over a decade ago she just quit being affectionate, loving, or passionate. I do not know why. I've asked, gotten no response. When I was sick and in the hospital she was there, when I was bedridden an in a wheel chair she was there. But now that I'm doing well, loosing weight, feeling and looking much better she does very little. I don't know if she was being a responsible, "good wife" when I was sick or was there because I mattered. It's very confusing.

She says she's "too old" for passion or sex. She acts as if she's very old but she's just 60, four years younger than me. I don't think someone can be too old. I am certainly now able and wishing for some attention that I don't think I'll ever get here.

When we were younger we always planned to move to a new place, preferably New Mexico. Now she insists on staying here on this family land I detest in a town I detest with our without me. She won't even talk about it.

She won't talk about anything. She has no interest in how I feel, what bothers me, or anything I'm interested in. I've written three books and a lot of articles and stories. She's read one book.

I look for someone to talk to, maybe someone to meet, because I'm just a fly on the wall here, and a maid and janitor and cook. All I manage to talk with turn out to be catfish. Every personals, dating, nice or naughty site, paid or free, just catfish. Where are the real people?

I was sick and overweight and fighting depression with booze. After two stints in the hospital and loosing a lot of fluid weight I decided to change my life. I've now lost fifty pounds in a couple months, not to mention the twenty more of fluid the doctors got off me. I wear smaller clothes now and the ones I wore six months ago are way too big. I feel better than I have in many, many years. I look better. But all I get from her is an "Oh, nice." I don't think it's bad that I just want a woman who gives a ****, who asks about what I'm doing and is interested. Who likes affection and returns it.

I am hurt and sad that I'm stuck here. Most days I'm ok. I'm working on a new book. Some days, like today, being here just gets to me.

OK, I've vented. Not a hell of a lot I can do about it. Such is life.
 
I get the feeling man. I was with someone that eventually lost interest and moved on to someone else. It hurt. A lot. I am a stronger person for it though.

Hope you find someone that will give you as much love and attention as you are willing to give them.

If there is one thing I can say to you though is. If you do find someone else. Don't cheat. End the relationship first. Either officially or unofficially.

Now that I have said that though. I do have one question, have you considered marriage counseling?
 
I don't trust counselors. Banged heads with them when I had foster kids. My wife is religious and I'm mostly anti-religious, a discussion we never have. I wouldn't know where to go.
 
I'm so sorry you are going through this,I hope you find someone that loves you for you one day.
 
It's been my experience (and this goes for any kind of relationship - not just couples) that breakdowns happen because of a lack of communication. You say you've talked and asked her about things, but I wonder how much effort you've truly put into the situation? Have you ever sat down with your wife and told her straight-out how you feel, that you are now at the point in your relationship where you're seriously considering leaving? You say above that you don't trust counsellers - OK, fine. But there's plenty of other non-biased people out there that could also work as mediators between your wife and yourself - since your wife is religious, what about a trusted pastor?

One thing that very much stands out to me is this sentence: But over a decade ago she just quit being affectionate, loving, or passionate. Since she's 60 now, a decade ago would place her firmly at the beginning of menopause - a time of life that many, many women struggle with, both emotionally and physically. I'm 50 myself and while I can't speak to the affection part as I'm naturally an affectionate person, I can speak to the lack of libido that often accompanies this time of life. When I was younger, all it took was a simple look or single thought to get in the mood, but these days, sex requires a lot more effort on my part. Not to say I don't enjoy it, but I definitely have to invest a lot more imagination and brain-power to get into sometimes.

Also, it's obvious that your wife has invested much of herself into your care and well-being in the past - hospital stays, being confined to a wheelchair, and also your battles with depression and booze. I question how much of that care has been reciprocated on your part? 44 years is a long time to be with a partner and it's pretty **** easy to slip into complacency.

Anyway - I highly suggest you consider some ways to truly explore all your options before you go off on a grand search for 'something better'. And also - if your ultimate decision is to leave, then give your wife the respect she deserves by ending the relationship before you find someone else. AKA - don't be a dick and cheat behind her back.
 
People change for a variety of reasons. Marriage is for better or for worse. But, neither person should suffer in a marriage, which it sounds like you are. All I can think to do is try your ABSOLUTELY best to breath life back into her somehow or leave the marriage and possible stay friends with her.

I watched a lifetime original movie similar to your situation. At first the original wife wanted nothing to do with her ex-husband. She was angry because she took care of him when he was sick. But, in time, she appreciated the friendship more. She no longer got or felt pressure to be a certain way from her ex-husband. The ex-husband got to enjoy his life again without being held back. It was a happy ending like most of the lifetime original movies. That's why I like to watch them.
 
******* burning Christ on a Cracker...44 years? Oh....boo hoo. She doesn't want her dried up area invaded by a very dried wrinkley member...**** those awesome 42 years...selfish ***** (taste the palatable irony)
 
******* burning Christ on a Cracker...44 years? Oh....boo hoo. She doesn't want her dried up area invaded by a very dried wrinkley member...**** those awesome 42 years...selfish ***** (taste the palatable irony)
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