one of those days

[Emma ruby]

when you wake up in the morning feeling like honeysuckle mentally and physically and all you want to do is disappear, close the curtens, put your black eye masks on and never leave bed yet their is work, someone have to do it so you drag your self out of bed, dress something that will fool people to consider you alive, you talk and walk but deep inside you are dead..

go through the day looking to your watch thinking damit why time have to feel that heavy, tik tok your waiting the time to pass but for what ? nothing all you want is disappear, you go back to your home if it isnt just a friggin house wishing if you can kill your self but you cant because deep inside you know that their will be moments worth of being alive..

what to do when all the colors fade and all the skin pale
on tv things you dont wanna see
on radio things you dont wanna hear
on the streets people like stray dogs
in work you are a fuckin machine
and the most important of all in your private life you are the one who is a complete wanker... just a total head fresia, people like toys you play them on depends on your mood and that way without realizing you being distructive on a self distruct mession and in the end you are just a lonely ****** who cant make up his mind about weather you are really sick in the head or all the other people are just messed in the head...



and another day will come along and the best you can do is wish to have a good mood....

 

[Stepchild]

I know how you feel. I have been waking up every morning feeling like crap lately. It's really, really difficult to face my duties for the day when I feel like there's a cloud of black flies inside my head from the moment I wake up.

I'm not sure, but it sounds like you're suffering from depression. I'd recommend you'd contact a therapist. That's what I did; I'm hoping I could get some medication to help make my brain chemicals function correctly again. I know what it is like to be non-depressed; it's not that my life has to be all that different than it is now, it's just that I need the biological causes of my depression being taken care of. I know a lot of people have an aversion for antidepressants, but I'd suggest you'd talk about it with a professional, anyway. Life is too short to waste it on suffering.

 

[Emma ruby]

hi StepChild, no im not depressed i suffer Bipolar II and it happen that i had a bad low episode yesterday, i stoped my medications for a while, im trying to handle it on my own as this is one stupid disorder that have no cure, i have to live with it and i have been living with it for years.. some times im in top condition and in control and some times i cant help it.

lately i changed my morning pill and it have a big effects on my mood swing all i hope is that with time my body will get used of the hormons on it and i wont suffer severe mood swings.

Im tired of shrinks and medications all together and the only way i see to sort it out is to deal with it.. it works , really it does but only if im having a mild episodes either downs or ups it doesnt matter but when i have a low episode all i do is try not to kill my self haha quite funny today im hyper and happy (over happy-high episode ) gotta love it lol cant wait to finish work and go partyyyyy

i hope you get better soon i know how it feels when you are depressed xx

 

[Sci-Fi]

That must suck to have those kind of mood swings, that's good you are trying to work on it without medication. I've worked with a couple of guys who had wives that were Bipolar and they had quite the stories. I used to have those kinds of days, but not for a long time now. That was during my last job though, which was a terrible place to work. The only time I don't want to get up in the morning is when I was up late the night before and want to sleep in. I find things to look forward to during the week, a project at work, or a customer I like that I know is coming in that day, anything really that makes me want to get the day underway. Even if it's waiting until the end of the day to get back home and play the online game I'm addicted to right now.

 

[Emma ruby]

the thing with mood swings that you cant expect them or get ready for them, they ATTACK you. one second you are laughing the next there is this weight on your heart and soul and this absolute sadness that comes over you.. but it doesnt have to be this way.. i find low episodes are less than high episodes for me at least..

i get high and hyper people can swear im on drugs..

some nights i had a long day and staying in bed to fall a sleep then INSOMNIA attack (it is related to the high episodes) and i cant sleep and i wanna jump and run and laugh and im so happy....

and some days my mood is stable til i have a low attack like yesterday..

the worse thing about the low episodes that you will react based in your mood and it is really hard for other people around to keep up with you..

yesterday this is what i did..

i woke up next to my bf who hugged me and kissed me good morning then i didnt even bother to smile at him (i flicked in the morning-bad bad attack) got up told him i need some time off (dont want him to suffer with me) hoped throghout the day i will feel better and i wont be like a dead zomby.. it got worse i had one of the worse episodes yesterday, got through the day feeling dead, went home curled up in a ball and cried and cried so hard (i dont have a reason to be sad or cry) and i kept weeping with pain in my heart then i decide ill break up with my bf (another thing about being helpless and feeling worthless when you have a low episode) i sent him a message to come pick his stuff up coz i dont wanna see him again, did i really wanted him to go? no i was too sad to feel anything, too hurt (without a reason) to be bothered with living let alone a boyfriend, i kicked him out and shouted at him then after less than half an hour i was ok !!! i was laughing and feeling very happy !!!! and today i have to make up for what i did yesterday lol by cooking a romantic meal

my point is , if you are a bipolar then you know what you go through every day not a lot of people can live with, you know you are very strong to survive such a bad mental episode that have a great effect in your daily life, day to day your mood swings control you..

if you live with someone that is bipolar then i hope you understand that we arent bad or mean or just nuts.. we not we think straight all the time til we get attacked.. all you need to do to be able to live with bipolar person is to love them and aviod them when in a bad mood then talk to them... it works....

 

[Sci-Fi]

LOL I could make a stereotypical woman joke here but I won't.

If your boyfriend can put up with you through that then don't let him go. The guys I worked with both got divorced. One guys wife though refused to get help for her bipolar disorder, the other guy was just unhappy. His wife made most of their marriage miserable and didn't seek help until they got divorced.