Online dating - When to meet up?

[MentatsGhoul]

If it's serious and you're sure about the relationship, as soon as possible. Then again, it depends on the circumstances. My experience wasn't great

I was with my ex for nine months, and I was planning on doing an exchange program to the US just to be closer to her (well, not ONLY for that reason, but still). Then, like a week before I was meant to submit my forms, she revealed something that created serious issues in the relationship. I was conflicted about whether to stay together or not at this point. Luckily, I found out I couldn't afford the exchange program anyway and ended up not going. I dodged a bullet there, because I have no idea how I would have handled the situation if I went all the way there and we would have just broken up or gotten stuck in a relationship filled with awkward problems with her.

So, I guess, make sure everything is alright first, make sure your method of meeting up isn't something that'll immediately make you rebuild your life (maybe just spend a weekend together first) and you should be fine. If you were dating someone in person, meeting them would not be a huge deal, so why should it be in a long distance relationship.

 

[Serenia]

Soooo the date has been set for a while, we are meeting in less than 3 weeks. The more we text and talk it gets better and better, we have some sort of connection/spark.

But now it gets closer, my anxiety levels are going through the roof. What if he is disappointed? Unless he has lied and is a completely different person in real life than the person I have been getting to know, then I can't see any disappointment on my side.

Shall I just look at it as a good evening out and a one off, to help me prepare for him being disappointed in me. Then if it goes well, it is a bonus.

Any thoughts?

Three weeks is a long time to wait! I would have myself worked up into an anxious lather by then
When I was in the online dating world, once I agreed to meet up with someone, we usually did in about a week or two.

Good luck!

-Teresa

It is just over a week off now. In the end next week was earliest we could meet due to us both having things on already. But weirdly I am not as nervous as I thought, more excited. We have been talking for 8 weeks now text and voice. I think because he is nervous too, I feel better and we seem so excited just to be able to spending the evening in person together instead of the phone. We have agreed to have a huge hug when we meet to help things. But we are not short of anything to talk about, and there is an appropriate amount of flirtation going on too.

Thanks

 

[ladyforsaken]

Excited for you, Serenia!

 

[Serenia]

Thanks Ladyf...meeee tooooo

 

[Serenia]

So there was no date after two months of planning he cancelled.

 

[Paraiyar]

Oh wow Serenia, I'm really sorry to hear it.

 

[ladyforsaken]

I'm sorry.

Did he say why?

 

[Serenia]

Ah well. He said nerves??

 

[Paraiyar]

Ah that sucks. If he can't push past that he's always going to have problems. Hope he reconsiders.

 

[Serenia]

He has asked if he can explain over the phone he has left me alone for a few days to think, and he still wants to carry on and have the date.

Cynical part of me thinks maybe he is a person who gets their kicks out of reeling in.

Or the soft part me thinks maybe he has such bad nerves, I know he struggles speaking to new people, so much so he gets very anxious, he struggled on the phone to me at first, but relaxed in time.

Then part of me thinks if he liked me enough he would have pushed through it.

I will see what he has to say, but I doubt I will put much more into this.

 

[SofiasMami]

What? I'm sorry to hear that. Did he cancel by text? When he cancelled, did he immediately offer a different day to meet? If not, I would kick him to the curb. I think he's leading you on, I'm sorry to say I've been there too.

-Teresa

 

[Serenia]

He did by text and no he didn't offer another actual day and time for another date.

I will see what he has to say, but my gut feeling is that he is stringing me along now.

 

[SofiasMami]

(((hug))))

Trust your gut feeling.

-Teresa

 

[Serenia]

Thanks for the hugs .

 

[ladyforsaken]

*hugs*

 

[Serenia]

How great he couldn't be bothered to do the call tonight, he wants to do it tomorrow instead.

I think I was right. He doesn't like me enough to do those things. He probably liked all the texting and talking and then suddenly it all got real. Actions do speak louder than words.

I am not entertaining him any longer. What a fool I feel.

 

[SofiasMami]

I've been trying to be diplomatic here but I'm sorry, he just sounds like a cowardly jerk. You deserve better than that.

-Teresa

 

[ABrokenMan]

I had a girl cancel planned face to face meetups each time we agreed to meet.

She had what she claimed at the time to be valid reasons, each one tagged with an effusive apology of "I PROMISE we will finally meet a soon as I can manage it." This from someone who claimed to have fallen in love with me over several months of daily contact and (later on) phone chats, someone who thought of me constantly, etc.

I should have looked at the whole on-line contact as nothing more than what it was - on-line reality is not the same as real life reality, because no one cannot know for certain if the other person is presenting themselves in an honest, and truthful manner. But, infatuation got the better of me, and I never judge or cast aspersions on someone. So, i kept on 'forgiving' while she kept on "delaying".

I found out second hand just why she kept on delaying our face to face meetup- her boyfriend wrote me an irate e-mail telling me that they were engaged, and he refused to believe that she and i had never met, or slept together. He e-mailed photos of the two of them embracing on weekend getaways (he was a rich guy who showered her with lavish things, she claimed to me that he never gave her 'emotional' love). Now, right when she and I started corresponding, she told me she had just broken up with a jealous and possessive guy. 14 months later, I find out the they got back together at some point yet she never told me. According to her, she was happily single and looking forward to the day we finally met.

Needless to say, when the boyfriend told me his side, I was furious. Still am, to this day.

I told the boyfriend that I would gladly send him every single e-mail shared between her and I, so he could disocver for himself what type of liar she is and that I was the one telling the truth - not her. After he read thru hundreds of e-mails, he wrote to say he was absolutely devastated, knowing that as soon as they both returned from a romantic weekend getaway, she was typing away to me telling me she had to work a 12 hour weekend shift and how tired she was but thoughts of me were with her all weekend and that she loved me. He broke off their engagement. i told him I no longer wanted anything to do with her, called her some vulgarities and that she could get run over by a car and I'd not care one iota Being manipulated and played sorry, I will never forgive.

My point in relaying this personal story is that you should always keep one foot on the ground before you "fall" for someone on-line without meeting them face to face. On-line relationships are akin to dreams - you have to make something real for it to be so - and that includes the physical face to face interaction. I really feel for those of you who fall in love with someone on-line yet never meet them for reasons attached to the other person. Someone that cancels at last minute for the first time, well, it is up to you to decide if you want to give them another shot. Me, I would ditch all contact immediately unless the reason was valid and could be proven to me.

People who promise on-line but do not follow-through are either narcissists, are cheating / triangulating (they are involved with someone else in real life, while you are their emotional on-line fantasy), or catfish types, portraying themselves as someone they are not to play games.

 

[IceCastles]

I second ABrokenMan!

I'm the queen of online dating lol...

I had a man that seemed very interested in me...he insisted that we constantly communicate online for a long time to "get to know each other". He kept on delaying meeting me. I closed my account and then reopened it - guess who contacted me? Him! When I confronted him, he said that he had a girlfriend at the time that he was writing to me and was "checking out his options".

I had another incident where I thought I truly met a wonderful man after non-stop corresponding for several weeks. We were online soulmates and had so much in common. When I met him in person, I found out that he used a celebrity's photo, he disrespected me, and tricked me by saying he was driving me to the shopping mall and instead drove me to his place. Then he brought me to his bedroom where he groped me. When I refused to have sex with him, he starved me (refused to let me buy food or eat) and he drove me home yelling at me all the way.

I also had many men, that seemed to want to collect all of my social media accounts...but did not want to meet. Again, they were likely married, wanted an ego-boost, or had some mental issues where they enjoyed collecting and online-stalking of single females.

After being made a fool for a while, I smartened up. I would chat casually (not investing my emotions or heart or trust) for a little while and we would schedule a meetup after chatting for a little bit (and I felt comfortable). Not TOO quick because sometimes the weirdos will start asking for sex after a few messages. You have to trust your gut with each different person.

I found that getting to know someone in person works 100x faster than online. I found many people DID NOT match what they portrayed themselves to be (many with outdated pictures or still married).

I was lucky enough to meet my now husband...

Just keep trying. I kept trying even though I felt it was impossible. Better to try than to never try at all.

 

[IceCastles]

Also, people can lie in real life...but it is much easier to catch a person in real life lying than it is online. If there's ever anything making you feel uneasy, trust your gut.

P.S. Your guy sounds like a flake. His loss! (hugs)

ABrokenMan: This may sound spiteful but I feel very happy that her partner found out. Serves her right!!!