paralysed

[confusedandalone]

Hi, i just wanted a bit of advice really. I've reached crisis point! Basically, I am an only child and I now live with my mum and step dad. Ever since i was 16 i have been in a relationship and made friends around these relationships - i was never very good at making friends on my own. im now 23. I moulded myself to fit in with these men and i dont know what i like or anything so it was easier to go along with what they liked because i felt like anything i did wasnt fun etc. I now have to decide whether to go back and work 5 hours away from my mum (i know the place and have friends of ex bf there and ex work people) or to go to uni or get a job closer, even though i am embarrassed to see people from school and stuff. I had kind of decided i would stay away and was upset when me and my ex split cos it felt everything fell down around me. I would like to go to uni but am so unsure id be able to hack it (i like the idea of ot) as i think i am quite dense. i know id have to try it to find out but i dont want to lose the friends i have as im so scared i'll just be getting myself into debt and more low self esteem if i cant do the course or make friends at uni. I worry about my mum when shes older, if i go away and settle there she will need help when shes older. I dont want to mbe friends with others like me cos i feel crap and they will make me feel crap, but birds of a feather flock together. I dont know what to do, all i want to do is curl up and not do anything. I hate myself so much, my body my skin, my lack of conversation, my dress sense, everything. I love my mum but i am embarrassed by her as she doesnt understand stuff and has no friends. i dont want to end up alone.

 

[VanillaCreme]

Why be embarrassed by your mom? To me, honestly, that's bizarre. Don't be embarrassed by her, because at the end of the day, when all your ex's and boyfriends, and ex's friends leave, she's the one there. Sit down with her and talk to her, watch some TV with her, try to understand how her thought process works. I started doing that with my mom, and we're getting closer, and I would have never imagined I'd be close to my mom. As for a job, go for which you feel is best. Sit down with a pen and paper and weigh out the pros and cons. Take into consideration how far you really want to be from your mom and step-dad. Birds of a feather flock together, but some of us are rare birds. Don't worry about making friends so much... If people can't accept you for who you are, then forget them. They aren't true friends to begin with.

 

[lovehurtme]

I say take a chance, move away from your mom, make relationships on your own, and prove to yourself that you can stand alone. If you stay where you are, you will always wonder what could have been.

 

[VanillaCreme]

Oh, true, lovehurtme. I agree with that as well. I'd rather much look back and know that I did do something whether it turned out good or not, than to look back and wish I had done it.

 

[SunWeb]

confusedandalone

So what about your mom ? All I read is that you have problems, your own problems. Close or far away from your mother you will be the same, and that is 90% truth. If you want to try live separate that is not the problem, you can do it though you need to check your mom from time to time, cus that's not only scary for you but for her as well.
As for scaryng school friends and so on, that is redicules. You don't have to explain them something or trying hard to get some attention. If you want to meet people to get any sort of relashionships you need to go out, that is all. All people are out there. You need to be youreslf, that is how the best friends appeares.

 

[confusedandalone]

Thanks. So the consensus is to move back to where i know away from mum and not go to uni? I know i have to go out and i would probably do that more if i was further away, but i wont have much money that way if i cant get a decent job. All I want is t feel like i can do things on my own but so far away i wouldnt have the back up etc and neither would she. I am so scared! It feels like there isnt any point in anything at all. The last thing i want to do is move and regret not going for the degree and just getting a job somwhere in a town i dont know (but closer) and being so lonely i dont know what to do with myself! I have felt that so strongly before and i hate it. Im not very good with change. I dont want to be alone when anything happens to mum. I want and need people to be there for me in a selfish way. I miss my friends but i am too scared to go somewhere new (which would make sense if it was closer) and risk losing the ones i have and not making new ones. Rock and a hard place. Sorry to harp on and thanks for your kind thoughts.

 

[VanillaCreme]

Well, go and find out. It's always good to find out what you are capable of. If it doesn't work out, can't you just go back to be near your mom? At least you still have her there.

 

[confusedandalone]

I feel more scared about going to a new place nerarer my mum oddly enough! I know she's there for me and vice versa but because im so scared of the unknown and worried about losing old friends I feel like I should move back to where i've been living and hang about with the old gang (mostly friends of my ex) and the couple of friends i do have of my own. Its just so far away in case anything happens. I want something new but I dont want to have to grieve for the old friends as well and its too far to visit on a regular basis. Shiiiiiiiiit! Anybody else had this dilemma?

 

[Brian]

I think I can kind of relate Right now I'm facing the prospect of moving to a town where I know nobody and have nobody. Granted, if it works out I'll be working with other people who I'll probably befriend, but it's still pretty scary.

I'm excited because it's a step closer to my career, but I'm really depressed at the same time. I wasn't born in this town; I've only lived here for 3 years. But I became an adult in this town. I learned the basics of being social here. I got my first real job here (and suffered through it so many days with the rest of the crew). I got my first apartment here...and this is where all of my family and every one of my friends are. I'm excited to move forward, but it's very saddening and a bit scary at the same time.

But confused, that's just life, you know? We change, we move around, we stride forward. With today's technology people are only a phone call, text message, or email away...so that makes it a bit easier.

As for going to university, I think you should try. I'm a high school dropout but with hard studying I got my GED. I never thought I'd be able to do the college thing. I thought I was too dumb. But, here I am finishing my first semester, and I'm feeling alright. Go for it

 

[VanillaCreme]

Brian, getting a GED is much harder than actually completing high school. I'd rather do 4 years of high school 10 times over than to get a GED once. I saw that book, dude. It's like a brick wall. My brother's ex-girlfriend, who thought she would get over by dropping out, had one, and my goodness... It's huge. She probably won't have anything in life because she just doesn't know any better, period. No book or school could ever help such a lost case.

As far as moving and being scared, yea. I know what it's like. I moved to a completely different state with just my mom and brother, out clothes and whatever else we could take along. Everything was left behind. We did sell our furniture, but our whole life was basically left. Pictures, school books, all of our family history, all of the things that were supposed to be passed down to me from generations before me. Gone. But I'm looking at this as a clean slate. I had rather just left and be done with the chaos and start anew. This is where I start my own life again.