Paralysis

[ardour]

I’m at the stage where the sheer number of past negative experiences has created a stunting fear with people; a fear they’ll come to the same conclusion others have, namely, that I’m a creepy piece of honeysuckle they’d rather keep their distance from.

Result: when people I don’t know, or don't know that well, act friendly towards me, I end up behaving in precisely the way that would make them think that: not responding to ‘hello’ properly , looking away nervously, mumbling and generally coming across weird.

Anyone familiar with my posts here knows that this is a lot worse with women, who really tend to pick up on this: I’m paranoid they’ll read something ‘off’ about my body language, facial expression, tone of voice. Which they often do, and there doesn't seem to be much I can do about it. I can hold a decent conversation but always stuff it up at the ‘hello’ and ‘goodbye’ stage, leaving the person confused or freaked out. By the time I relax they want nothing more to do with me.

Each time makes it worse for the next, to the point where I find it hard to speak at all to strangers now.

How does one relax and not care about these things without becoming completely indifferent?

 

[howtobealone]

I'm sorry to hear that you're having such difficulties; I've had my share of them too, but it sounds like you're in a lot of anguish. You might consider talking to a doctor about medication and therapy. But I think progress mostly comes from forcing yourself to talk with other people. Talk to anyone you can, just to get desensitized to the anxiety of talking to other people. Believe that you can survive rejection. I know I will never be relaxed in front of someone I care about, but I know I've made progress.

But some low hanging fruit might be asking yourself whether others really have the harsh judgments that you pass on yourself. You can't presume to know what's in another person's mind with such specificity. I bet there are plenty of times when someone is having a pleasant reaction to you when you're presuming otherwise.

Hang in there.

 

[hugswithtrees]

Each time makes it worse for the next, to the point where I find it hard to speak at all to strangers now.

How does one relax and not care about these things without becoming completely indifferent?

I sabotage myself far too often in social situations. I feel painfully alone but if someone acknowledges my presence, I wonder what their angle is.
I can't say I completely blame myself, after all the past tends to shape the present.
I suppose I just get tired of living in stagnation and break out of the protective shell I have formed around myself. Sometimes I feel hurt and the need to retreat into my own world again, but occasionally fortune favors my bravery (or whatever you call poor impulse control).

I mention this because I have found relaxation (or at least less worry), by forcing myself to face my fears or step out of my comfort zone and then seeing a change for the better. Not always, but often enough to remind myself to make an effort.
Obnoxious as it may sound, I try not to worry so much what others might think of me.

If nothing else, perhaps showing yourself the compassion and kind of attention you seek could help it come to be. I hope some of this makes sense

 

[there is no hope]

I don't think it's possible. Not really.

I've noticed that people are less likely to greet someone randomly unless they assume they are superior to the person they're greeting. I learned the hard way when I did try to greet people, based on the (bad) advice I was given to be more sociable. There are so many rules governing when it is appropriate to talk to someone and what can be spoken of, and of course you can never question why those rules exist.

Repulsing others only makes sense, when the expected result is going to be another kick in the teeth.
I try not to do this, but I necessarily need to keep my distance from people while still being "friendly". It doesn't work very well, but if they can't understand why I need to be defensive, then there probably isn't much hope for interacting with them.

I have given up on any sexual interactions with women, since they inevitably lead to nothing but shame, shame, and more shame for me. The reasons why it is a lost cause are too much to get into, but honestly - it isn't just about you, as much as society tries to force that message into the brain of any man that is rejected throughout life.