HangmanNoose
Active member
Everyday seems to be the same over and over again. If it wasn't for telemarkerters I would sometimes feel like I didn't exist. I wish that was a Joke. Ther are times when I feel like I just want to run away to another place where no one knows me and start over. But that doesnt solve the fact that I have this Illness and that Nothing would change no matter where I am. I feel trapped and feel worthless everyday. I never wanted to be popular, or have a ton of friends. But I sometimes wish I had just 1 friend, Someone who Picks me first over other friends, someone who wants to hang out with me and who aint afraid to get me out of my element, and Get me to do things I normally wouldn't do. Who is quick to forgive when I may hurt thier feelings, and someone who is understanding to why i am so socially awkward. All of my childhood friends have moved on and living successful Lives, and I am alone, Living with my parents, barely surviving from one day to the next, I Fight the urge to End it all everyday for the last 20 years. I have attempted suicide a few times. and every failed attempt only made me feel worse. Like I couldn't even pull off that well. It isn't my fault the bullet misfired the first time. I don't know, My Whole Life is spiraling down the drain, and Even though I may want to die. I feel more bad for my Dog Being with out me. Than I do about any person. He truely keeps me around. Anyway, I don't feel love from people, Even if I want to, even if I can tell that they love me, I have no way of feeling it. And I don't trust anyone. I'm always looking for a way to sabotage any relationship I have for that very reason, regardless if it is with a Gf or even a friend. And even though I have so much Love to give someone, I Sabotage everything. because I can't feel thier love I assume they don't love me, and for that I pull away. Because It like standing outside looking into the window at your life, But reconizing feelings but not feeling them. so hard to explain.
I'm 30 years old, And at this age Living with your parents. well its like a plague to people, every comedian, sitcom, and movies reference it, The only thing is I don't live in a basement. and I don't play video games. I never asked for this, I wish in every fiber of my being that I could be out on my own. I wish I had the life that so many others have. I aint asking to be rich But I just want to be independant. and I can't even do that. And so my loneliness affect me, Because I tell myself, What woman would want a failure like me. I live with my parents. Not a very attractive quality, Besides who wants someone who is emotionally Dead, Who can't feel love from others. Even though I have a lot of Love to give. I keep telling myself. I have to be successful, to be "Normal" and to be attractive. And I aint that attractive. Sasquatch looks better than I do. Less hairt too lol. I'm Just feel Like whats the point. And even though I keep looking for a brighter tomorrow, the days only get darker...
And even though I am a only child I have a lot of family, and none of them ever call me, they don't even send me emails or evne ask my folks how I am doing. they don't care, they come around and Are so happy to see me when they visit, but any other time I don't even exist. And I guess in a way that is fine. I don't need the family drama, but I guess sometimes it nice to be thought about. and I don't even get that. I do not get along with my dad, and My mom is very controling. I get treated as if I am a small child. And sometimes I feel like that. The amout of stress they put on me, they only bring me down even more. and even though they have accepted the fact that I have a debilitating emotional illness, They still add to my frustrations, and stress. and at times I look around and see that I still am here like some bad joke, And I get even more stressed.
But this is just a fraction of such Dark turmoil that has befallen my miserable Life. Its hard to look for a brighter tomorrow when You know that it is just going to be the same as today. and 2 days father from yesterday. no matter how much I try to better myself it is always the same, and I fail miserably. so here I am.
I'm 30 years old, And at this age Living with your parents. well its like a plague to people, every comedian, sitcom, and movies reference it, The only thing is I don't live in a basement. and I don't play video games. I never asked for this, I wish in every fiber of my being that I could be out on my own. I wish I had the life that so many others have. I aint asking to be rich But I just want to be independant. and I can't even do that. And so my loneliness affect me, Because I tell myself, What woman would want a failure like me. I live with my parents. Not a very attractive quality, Besides who wants someone who is emotionally Dead, Who can't feel love from others. Even though I have a lot of Love to give. I keep telling myself. I have to be successful, to be "Normal" and to be attractive. And I aint that attractive. Sasquatch looks better than I do. Less hairt too lol. I'm Just feel Like whats the point. And even though I keep looking for a brighter tomorrow, the days only get darker...
And even though I am a only child I have a lot of family, and none of them ever call me, they don't even send me emails or evne ask my folks how I am doing. they don't care, they come around and Are so happy to see me when they visit, but any other time I don't even exist. And I guess in a way that is fine. I don't need the family drama, but I guess sometimes it nice to be thought about. and I don't even get that. I do not get along with my dad, and My mom is very controling. I get treated as if I am a small child. And sometimes I feel like that. The amout of stress they put on me, they only bring me down even more. and even though they have accepted the fact that I have a debilitating emotional illness, They still add to my frustrations, and stress. and at times I look around and see that I still am here like some bad joke, And I get even more stressed.
But this is just a fraction of such Dark turmoil that has befallen my miserable Life. Its hard to look for a brighter tomorrow when You know that it is just going to be the same as today. and 2 days father from yesterday. no matter how much I try to better myself it is always the same, and I fail miserably. so here I am.
