Permanent Open Wound

[Case]

This is long, so I hope you like reading.

I just finished watching an interview with filmmaker George Lucas. Lucas discusses selling his company to Disney, and since there is a new Star Wars film out that has nothing to do with him, Lucas was asked if he was okay with that.

He said he follows a simple rule of life: Whenever you break up with someone, he says, there are three rules you need to follow: The first rule is no phone calls. The second rule is you don't drive over to their house to see what they're doing. And the third rule is you don't show up at the places you know they'll visit. You just say "No," and cut off all contact, or else you will keep on opening up the wound.

Based on those three rules, I have an open wound that I don't think will ever close. Let me explain.

Over ten years ago, I loved a woman. I've written about her before on this forum. We dated for about a month or so, but she was not in love with me. While I know NOW that she wasn't in love with me, back then, she made it very vague, leaving me in emotional limbo. I had never felt this way about a woman before, and so, I wanted to fight for her love. Unfortunately, my passion for her was not appreciated, and she told me that we should no longer hang out together socially. I said, "Fine," but I was devastated. I also worked with her, so it was impossible for me to fulfill two of the above rules. The only thing I could do was be polite to her at work, and then have no contact with her off work hours, which is what I did.

And I did my best. I tried to get over the pain. I dated other people, and felt like I had finally gotten her out of my system. After six months of no socializing with her, I felt that being friends with her was preferable to not having her in my life at all.

Ten years ago, tomorrow night, New Year's Eve, was the night I decided to pursue a platonic friendship with her. To my amazement, she was happy to be my friend, and she has become one of my very best friends. She's been nothing but kind, thoughtful, and amazing as a friend, and I feel grateful that she is in my life.

Now comes the "But." BUT... the wounds of her rejection have never healed. In the ten years I've had this friendship with her, I still have this knot in my stomach sometimes about her. It's not love. It's more like I have no resolution for any of the rejected feelings I felt so long ago. And since I have essentially ignored the three rules mentioned above, it's like I am constantly walking around with a never-ending open wound in my heart that I have to hide whenever I'm around her.

To further complicate matters, I am now an honorary member of her larger family. I am invited to a variety of family gatherings even though I am the only one in this group who is not tied to someone by birth, dating, or marriage. Finally, she is single, and hasn't dated anyone in years, which means she is currently free to spend time with me whenever she wants.

So, I feel like the walking wounded with absolutely no way to heal. The only way I could fulfill George Lucas' three rules is by removing practically everyone I am close to at the moment completely from my life. I've tried to discuss some of this with her, but she does everything she can to avoid the topic. Either it's too uncomfortable for her, or she has forgotten how I felt about her, and isn't interested in revisiting those days.

My feeling is that she thinks that I've been "over her" this entire time. The truth is, while I am no longer in love with her, I don't feel I let enough time go by before re-starting this friendship, and sometimes I wonder if it wasn't one of the biggest mistakes I've ever made. On the surface, it would appear that I am just a really good friend to her. But inside, I think about her far more than I should, and I wish I could get her out of my head. Like right now, for example.

Ten years gone, and I still feel pain, and I'm not sure there is anything I can do about it now. (Of course, there is, but is this just something I have to just deal with? Like this is simply my price to pay for being her friend?)

TL-DR: After being rejected by a woman I was crazy for, I became her closest male friend and very close to her extended family, but I still feel some pain from the rejection ten years later, and I can see no way of healing.

 

[BeyondShy]

You got to keep in mind that it is much easier to separate yourself from a movie than a human being. George Lucas probably neglected to say how much money Disney paid him to not have anything to do with the movie franchise anymore.

You are talking about two different things here. Selling your company is one thing. Cutting ties with someone who was and still is very important in your life is something else.

 

[Case]

You got to keep in mind that it is much easier to separate yourself from a movie than a human being. George Lucas probably neglected to say how much money Disney paid him to not have anything to do with the movie franchise anymore.

You are talking about two different things here. Selling your company is one thing. Cutting ties with someone who was and still is very important in your life is something else.

I'm not here to debate Lucas' decision to sell off his company. However, the rules he mentioned are relevant to anyone who has ever faced an emotional breakup. They have worked for me in the past, and had I followed these rules at the beginning of this situation, I would not be posting this now.

 

[BeyondShy]

I'm not here to debate Lucas' decision to sell off his company. However, the rules he mentioned are relevant to anyone who has ever faced an emotional breakup. They have worked for me in the past, and had I followed these rules at the beginning of this situation, I would not be posting this now.

Ok, well I hope everything works out for you.

 

[SofiasMami]

It sounds like you held out hope that maybe you could rekindle a spark you both had back 10 years ago so stayed friends with her. Did you spend time with her and her family around Christmas? It's possible that reopened your wound with your friend.
I think George Lucas's maxims are useful. I wish they were easy, though. They don't really apply here in your situation though and, as you alluded to, there's not much you can do to change the past 10 years. In my experience, few relationships have a cut and dried ending.
Could you talk to her? What do you think would happen if you brought up to her how you're feeling?

-Teresa

 

[Case]

It sounds like you held out hope that maybe you could rekindle a spark you both had back 10 years ago so stayed friends with her.

Hiya. Long time no chat. Naw. There was no hope for rekindling anything, either then or since. I knew that any nonsense thoughts like that would have doomed any friendship I attempted with her. Honestly, when I decided to try a friendship, I was in a really good place, and I looked at it logically. I asked myself, "Do you think a friendship with her makes any sense, and will it be worth it?" I said "Yes" to both, not knowing that I'd wind up feeling this way. It's as if every day has been a nagging reminder of that rejection, and I've never been able to recover from it. But it's more than just that. She's in my head more than I like. I wonder what she's doing a lot of the time. I get a sudden thrill when I get a text from her that I don't feel for anyone else. It's like the feelings I once had are hanging on for dear life, but I don't want to feel these things. I just want to be a friend, but my head gets in the way. Do I still love her? Well, in a way I do. But it's more of a fondness and a familial love rather than a romantic love. I don't dream of resuming any intimate relationship with her. I just don't want my stomach in knots anymore. lol

Did you spend time with her and her family around Christmas? It's possible that reopened your wound with your friend.

I spent some time on Xmas Eve and Xmas day with her and her extended family. Not as much time directly with her, though. So, nothing recent has ignited any specific memories or feelings. This has been more of a constant, ten year, low-frequency feeling.

I suppose the best way I can describe the feeling is this: Say you don't like someone because she hurt you in some way. Now, imagine that you have to be around her all the time, and for the sake of everyone around you, you can't say anything about that hurt you felt. And you have to be nice to her, as well. So, you bottle it up to keep everything smooth and undramatic. But you still remember the pain you felt, and every time you see this person, the feeling of resentment returns; this anger; your true feelings. And yet, you still can't say anything. That's kinda how I feel, except the feeling isn't a loathing. Yes, I was hurt, but I should have gotten over that a long time ago. It's just the feeling that I can't express something to her. I'm not even sure what I want to express. Do I want to chew her out for rejecting me? Not really. Do I want to tell her I've been struggling with it? Again, not really, because I don't think it would be a productive conversation. So I wonder why I feel this way, and what can I do to stop it?

In my experience, few relationships have a cut and dried ending.

I agree to an extent. My marriage ended about a year before I met my friend, and I have no lingering, surface emotion about that. I wish I knew how to be my friend's friend and not have these feelings surface. That's really what I struggle with. Not a major struggle, but apparently it's enough that it's lasted the entire length of our friendship.

Could you talk to her? What do you think would happen if you brought up to her how you're feeling?

During our friendship, I have spoken to her about our dating, about how I felt about her at one time, and about how we reconnected as friends, but she has little to say on the subject, as if she doesn't want to engage. On this, she is conspicuously silent, and I take that to mean it's not something I should discuss with her. So, I don't. Honestly, I think it would disappoint her to know any of this. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe she'd be more understanding, but what can she do about it? Nothing.

Anyway, as you mentioned, those rules don't apply to me anymore because I'm a committed friend. I can't just abandon her simply because I've been having these recurring emotions. I just wish I knew a tactic to remain her friend and also help this feeling dissipate. Visualization? Meditation? Therapy? I don't know.

 

[Sci-Fi]

I don't think more time may have helped in this case from what you've said. Seems like you need something from her which if she hasn't given in ten years of being friends, she may not give any time soon or ever.

 

[SofiasMami]

Anyway, as you mentioned, those rules don't apply to me anymore because I'm a committed friend. I can't just abandon her simply because I've been having these recurring emotions. I just wish I knew a tactic to remain her friend and also help this feeling dissipate. Visualization? Meditation? Therapy? I don't know.

I don't know, Case, except that contact with someone that you're holding a candle for is probably like rubbing salt in the wound. I met someone a few years back who I thought would make a good partner but he made it clear he's not interested. We've remained friends but, other than text messages and Facebook, we have little contact. It seems like every time I see him in person I get my hopes up, only to have them dashed again.
It's probably harder for you to have little contact, though, if you're friends with her extended family. I certainly wouldn't ditch all of them for the sake of not seeing your friend again. So that's a tough situation for you.

-Teresa

 

[ABrokenMan]

I think you know the answer here, but you do not want to face up to it.

Despite what you write you STILL are attracted to her, she is not attracted to you - that is the perpetual push / pull that will never be resolved. Since you are the person who experiences the difficulty, you HAVE to remove her from your life - cut all ties, social media, what have you. Delete photos, and just move on and away from her. Be a stand-up guy and tell her why you are doing this, do not just vanish without an explanation. Everyone deserves to hear the truth.

I've done this extraction myself, the hardest course of action I've ever had to deal with in life, including family member deaths, tragedies...
I may not find ever someone, or experience the good times and love I felt for her, but I'm also not going to keep beating myself up over something that cannot be. You honestly need to accept this same result and act upon it, instead of trying to justify your current relationship situation.

 

[VanillaCreme]

TL-DR: After being rejected by a woman I was crazy for, I became her closest male friend and very close to her extended family, but I still feel some pain from the rejection ten years later, and I can see no way of healing.

I read the whole thing, but I'm replying to this because my answer is more direct. This is a delicate situation, because it's easy to tell someone to get over it, but much harder to do that when you're actually in the situation. Obviously you can't make someone like you, much less want to be with you, so if you're blaming yourself for the feelings not being reciprocated, don't. Just as much as it isn't your fault, it's not hers either. Things just don't go our way sometimes. It's nothing bad.

Spending 10 years thinking about it just made it go deeper and stronger. I know it's not easy to turn that thinking cap off, but it's really worth the try. There are cases of something more happening years, even decades, after the fact, but it's not something I hear of every day.

Basically, it's one of those things where you either settle being her friend or don't have anything to do with her at all, including not being around or talking to her family. I think it's awesome they made you an honorary member, but being around them just makes the situation sink in more. That you're around her family but not with her. But that really is your choice. To stay around them or not. That is something you can control.

You say you don't want to just walk away because you're committed to being a friend to her, which I think is lovely, but at the same time, it may take many more years for those feelings you have towards her to truly disappear.

 

[Case]

I don't know, Case, except that contact with someone that you're holding a candle for is probably like rubbing salt in the wound.

When I see the phrase "holding a candle" referring to me, I cringe because I really don't love her like I once did. The thought of being romantic with her is unpleasant to me. She's like my sister now. Actually, I get more kind affection from her than I get from my REAL sister.

I have a very good friend who's a woman I've never dated, who I've never wanted romantically, and vice versa. She lives out-of-state, and after many years, we still get along famously. She's like my best guy buddy who just happens to be a woman. I wish I felt that way about the first one. I realize each friendship is different, but I do wish I felt the same.

Since you are the person who experiences the difficulty, you HAVE to remove her from your life - cut all ties, social media, what have you. Delete photos, and just move on and away from her. Be a stand-up guy and tell her why you are doing this, do not just vanish without an explanation. Everyone deserves to hear the truth.
<snip>
You honestly need to accept this same result and act upon it, instead of trying to justify your current relationship situation.

This would have been perfect advice over ten years ago when cutting her out of my life was as simple as continuing to not social with her. Now, ten years later, far too many years have been invested in far too many people to just kick my best friend to the curb because I have an issue I haven't been able to resolve myself.

If I did what you recommend, I would not lose just a best friend, but I'd be losing her mother, her grandmother, her sisters, her brothers in-law, her nieces and nephews, several cousins and Aunts and Uncles, and a few others I'm probably forgetting. Every single one of these people is so compassionate, it boggles the mind. They have all given me their love, their friendship, their kindness, their open arms, and a warmth that I would not be getting anywhere else. I would not only be a fool to walk away from these people, I'd be giving up the biggest well-spring of positivity I've had in decades.

Why would I ever give that up? That's a lot of love to be tossing away just because I haven't gotten my honeysuckle together. This reminds me of the phrase, "Throwing out the baby with the bath water."

Obviously you can't make someone like you, much less want to be with you, so if you're blaming yourself for the feelings not being reciprocated, don't.

With ten years of water under the bridge, there's been a lot of healing, but honestly, I haven't felt any tinges of self-loathing since before the friendship started.

Spending 10 years thinking about it just made it go deeper and stronger.

Deeper? Perhaps. Stronger? No. These feelings have not increased over time. And nothing I have felt in the last ten years can compare with how I felt before the rejection. So, my overall feelings are greatly diminished. I just have to sweep away the remainder somehow.

I know it's not easy to turn that thinking cap off, but it's really worth the try.

That is a sound comment. I think it's why my solution might be meditation to calm the mind, confront these feelings without judgment, and be at peace with them so I can maintain my friendships in a healthier state of mind.

There are cases of something more happening years, even decades, after the fact, but it's not something I hear of every day.

I agree, and I'd be rightly called an idiot if I ever had such designs.

You say you don't want to just walk away because you're committed to being a friend to her, which I think is lovely, but at the same time, it may take many more years for those feelings you have towards her to truly disappear.

Maybe it will take more years, but like I wrote above to ABrokenMan, I get far more out of being a part of this family than to have this open wound ruin all the happiness and good will I have received over the years. I just wish I knew a concrete solution to keep all of these good people in my life and have a healthier mindset.

 

[VanillaCreme]

I wish I knew a concrete solution to tell you. I would just imagine that being around her family wouldn't allow that wound to heal up completely. At least for me anyway, if I were in the situation. Again, it's a lot easier said than done. But it's like an alcoholic being in a liquor store. Can they go in, not buy anything, and walk out? Sure. But the temptation is there for as long as they've stepped foot in it. I wouldn't want anyone to just up and leave people they enjoy being around though. I know I would be very hesitant to dismiss my close friends, too, even if I had a decent reason for doing so.

 

[ABrokenMan]

The dilema Case presents is obvious to decide if his open wound is equal to or less than the value of having her family in his life.
Sometimes, Case, you have to suck it up, cut your losses and move on, even if it means losing other people who are related that provide compassion.
10 years is a long time to be pining away for someone who never felt the same way that you do, or that you were never romantically involved with. You created the wound, and you can heal it by simply letting go of your memories / hopes for her (either remove her from your life, or keep her & her relatives / family as friends).
Despite what you have posted, you have never gotten over her "not interested" response for anything beyond platonic friendship.
Prove at long last to yourself that you can be strong and change your way of thinking. It won't be easy, but it CAN be done. Only you can decide if it is worth the effort.

 

[Case]

The dilema Case presents is obvious to decide if his open wound is equal to or less than the value of having her family in his life.

That decision was made long ago when her family accepted me as one of their own. I've demonstrated here that the value of having these friends in my life, not even including my female friend, vastly outweighs this wound that I still feel. So, not having these friends in my life is unthinkable.

Sometimes, Case, you have to suck it up, cut your losses and move on, even if it means losing other people who are related that provide compassion.

Again, this statement hasn't been relevant to me since we started this friendship. All I ever wanted from her, after we reconnected, was to be her friend. I've done that. I never wanted to rekindle any romance, because I knew it was a dead-end, and so if I ever felt any lingering emotions, I'd suppress them. What I need is the ability to not have to suppress anything anymore and still be her friend.

10 years is a long time to be pining away for someone who never felt the same way that you do, or that you were never romantically involved with.

But that statement isn't correct. "Pining" is missing someone to where you wish and hope for their return. After the rejection, there wasn't a single moment in all those ten years where I had any hope of a rekindled romance with her. I don't see her and sigh wistfully secretly hoping for the day when we can be together again. Why would I want to return to the days when she rejected my interest? In contrast, I've spent 10 years coping with the old feelings as best as I could. And now, I've gotten them down to the equivalent of a nagging stomach ache.

(EDIT: Also, we did date for about a month, so we were definitely romantically involved. We were as involved as any two adults could possibly be before it ended. But I try not to think about that, as it is completely irrelevant to our friendship.)

Despite what you have posted, you have never gotten over her "not interested" response for anything beyond platonic friendship.

Again, this statement is in error because I have 10 years of proof to show that I have fully accepted this platonic friendship. Ask anyone who has ever seen us together, and no one can claim that I have been anything other than a good friend to her. My actions speak volumes. Another thing, we had no friendship when she rejected me. She didn't propose a friendship. I did, because I felt that a little of something is better than a lot of nothing. I took a gamble that, while she was not romantically drawn to me, we were otherwise very compatible in non-sexual terms. Our politics is similar, our worldview is similar, and we have a very similar demeanor. To my surprise, she was happy to be my friend. I see that as a great thing.

Prove at long last to yourself that you can be strong and change your way of thinking. It won't be easy, but it CAN be done. Only you can decide if it is worth the effort.

This board is about loneliness (among other things,) and she and her family make me feel less lonely. If I follow what you say, I would be the biggest ******* to the nicest people I've ever known. To answer your last sentence, the open wound is tolerable next to the thought... the mere thought of walking away from that family.

There appears to be a misunderstanding here. If I was back ten years ago, and I barely spoke to this woman beyond work issues, and I came in here and said, "I'm struggling with this rejection. What do I do?" Then, the advice to cut all ties with her makes total sense. I could've moved on, and I would have never experienced being an accepted family friend because I wouldn't know what I was missing. But now, when so much of my life is invested in people that don't even include my friend, the option to leave them would be so disruptive, both to them and me, as to be completely out of the question.

This isn't a simple matter of a guy pining away for someone to finally, some day, return his affections. This is the very complex matter of a guy who is a dedicated member of a circle of people who call him "family," and the question of how does he eliminate the small wound without ruining all of the strong ties of friendship he has built in that ten year span?

 

[user 115627]

If you would cut all ties with your friend and her family, you'd essentially sacrifice one of the most valued things in your life for the mere possibility of your inner wound healing. Cause from what I've seen, there's no guarantee for that wound to heal at all after walking away. Instead I see a high chance of an even bigger wound getting torn open. Having read all of this, I think you made it obvious what's more important to you, Case. You just have to act accordingly.

As simplistic as it sounds, the only way to heal is determination. You have to be determined to accept the situation for good. It will probably leave a scar but we all got those. I don't believe much in therapy or meditation and I don't see what else they would do but help you to carry it with pride. Like you said, maybe it's just the price one pays. Even if so, you made one hell of a bargain so to say.

I did consider how things would turn out if you met another woman who you get along with splendidly and she reciprocates your feelings. Do you think being accepted by another one would get you over this "old" rejection? Or would it keep bouncing back and forth in your head forever as a reminder of your defeat and what you will never have? Purely hypothetical. I'm just thinking about the possible impact this wound could have on all your future interactions.

 

[ABrokenMan]

The dilema Case presents is obvious to decide if his open wound is equal to or less than the value of having her family in his life.

That decision was made long ago when her family accepted me as one of their own. I've demonstrated here that the value of having these friends in my life, not even including my female friend, vastly outweighs this wound that I still feel. So, not having these friends in my life is unthinkable.

Sometimes, Case, you have to suck it up, cut your losses and move on, even if it means losing other people who are related that provide compassion.

Again, this statement hasn't been relevant to me since we started this friendship. All I ever wanted from her, after we reconnected, was to be her friend. I've done that. I never wanted to rekindle any romance, because I knew it was a dead-end, and so if I ever felt any lingering emotions, I'd suppress them. What I need is the ability to not have to suppress anything anymore and still be her friend.

10 years is a long time to be pining away for someone who never felt the same way that you do, or that you were never romantically involved with.

But that statement isn't correct. "Pining" is missing someone to where you wish and hope for their return. After the rejection, there wasn't a single moment in all those ten years where I had any hope of a rekindled romance with her. I don't see her and sigh wistfully secretly hoping for the day when we can be together again. Why would I want to return to the days when she rejected my interest? In contrast, I've spent 10 years coping with the old feelings as best as I could. And now, I've gotten them down to the equivalent of a nagging stomach ache.

(EDIT: Also, we did date for about a month, so we were definitely romantically involved. We were as involved as any two adults could possibly be before it ended. But I try not to think about that, as it is completely irrelevant to our friendship.)

Despite what you have posted, you have never gotten over her "not interested" response for anything beyond platonic friendship.

Again, this statement is in error because I have 10 years of proof to show that I have fully accepted this platonic friendship. Ask anyone who has ever seen us together, and no one can claim that I have been anything other than a good friend to her. My actions speak volumes. Another thing, we had no friendship when she rejected me. She didn't propose a friendship. I did, because I felt that a little of something is better than a lot of nothing. I took a gamble that, while she was not romantically drawn to me, we were otherwise very compatible in non-sexual terms. Our politics is similar, our worldview is similar, and we have a very similar demeanor. To my surprise, she was happy to be my friend. I see that as a great thing.

Prove at long last to yourself that you can be strong and change your way of thinking. It won't be easy, but it CAN be done. Only you can decide if it is worth the effort.

This board is about loneliness (among other things,) and she and her family make me feel less lonely. If I follow what you say, I would be the biggest ******* to the nicest people I've ever known. To answer your last sentence, the open wound is tolerable next to the thought... the mere thought of walking away from that family.

There appears to be a misunderstanding here. If I was back ten years ago, and I barely spoke to this woman beyond work issues, and I came in here and said, "I'm struggling with this rejection. What do I do?" Then, the advice to cut all ties with her makes total sense. I could've moved on, and I would have never experienced being an accepted family friend because I wouldn't know what I was missing. But now, when so much of my life is invested in people that don't even include my friend, the option to leave them would be so disruptive, both to them and me, as to be completely out of the question.

This isn't a simple matter of a guy pining away for someone to finally, some day, return his affections. This is the very complex matter of a guy who is a dedicated member of a circle of people who call him "family," and the question of how does he eliminate the small wound without ruining all of the strong ties of friendship he has built in that ten year span?

Well, what you posted still comes across as someone who is trying to justify remaining friends with someone who he truly has not "gotten over" in 10 years time.

Otherwise, there would be no "open wound". There should not be one at all by this time. It doesn't seem to me to be a complex answer; all those reasons are just masking the hurt, the same way an alcoholic denies that he / she has a drinking problem. And if you cannot accept the fact that she did not desire you in the same way after a dating for a month, all of the justifications and posts of "I am accepting being platonic" (to summarize), well, to me, these words are masking other feelings you won't admit to yourself.

I'm not trying to be a d**k here, I'm just pointing out that either decision (keep her & relationships with her family or remove all from your life) should be made based what is best for you in the long run.
Is another year / five years / ten years worth what you've been going through?

I just re-read this statement:

All I ever wanted from her, after we reconnected, was to be her friend. I've done that. I never wanted to rekindle any romance, because I knew it was a dead-end, and so if I ever felt any lingering emotions, I'd suppress them. What I need is the ability to not have to suppress anything anymore and still be her friend.

You've contradicted yourself.

 

[Case]

I did consider how things would turn out if you met another woman who you get along with splendidly and she reciprocates your feelings. Do you think being accepted by another one would get you over this "old" rejection? Or would it keep bouncing back and forth in your head forever as a reminder of your defeat and what you will never have? Purely hypothetical. I'm just thinking about the possible impact this wound could have on all your future interactions.

I think relationships have helped me out greatly in the last decade.

I've had a number of relationships in the last ten years where I've had women fully reciprocate my feelings, and man, is it ever an awesome feeling. I can say that they have done wonders focusing my mind and my emotions on my partner and channeling my emotions toward someone who will actually return them to me. In these times, I am definitely in a better state of mind, and I don't feel any ache around my friend.

At the moment, I am single, so I think that is part of my challenge. I have all this love to offer, but no one to direct that energy toward. So maybe I feel this yearning to love someone, and the dull ache I feel in my stomach is me suppressing that yearning whenever I am around my friend because I know she cannot be the focus of those feelings.

But yes. Relationships have been very helpful with respect to not feeling that ache.

Well, what you posted still comes across as someone who is trying to justify remaining friends with someone who he truly has not "gotten over" in 10 years time.

Let's use your language. Let's say I haven't "gotten over" her. Okay. Now, I have decided to be friends with this woman, and by extension, be friends with a great deal of people who I now care about very much. I also know that being romantic with her is impossible. So, if I have not gotten over this woman, the best way to deal with it is how? To cope. Since I am not seeking to be romantic with my friend, the only problem, if you believe that I am not "over" her, is that I have lingering emotions that I know I must suppress. This suppression creates the feeling that I am walking around with a wound. All I am seeking at this point is a solution to be her friend, to be a friend to her extended family, and not have to feel this way. If the answer is that I will always feel this way, so be it. I just have to cope. Just as I have coped with death, and the deaths I have experienced have never left me, maybe this is something that will always be a part of me. I tend to doubt it because it seems to go away if I'm dating someone, but I'm okay with it being permanent.

I'm not trying to be a d**k here, I'm just pointing out that either decision (keep her & relationships with her family or remove all from your life) should be made based what is best for you in the long run.

I don't think you're being a dick. I just think you think this is more simply solved than it is.

Is another year / five years / ten years worth what you've been going through?

If I have to feel this way and receive the same amount of caring, compassion, friendship, and love that I get from her and her family, then yes. It's worth it. If I had to accept that this is a permanent feeling, I think it's a small price to pay for what I am receiving in return.

I just re-read this statement:

All I ever wanted from her, after we reconnected, was to be her friend. I've done that. I never wanted to rekindle any romance, because I knew it was a dead-end, and so if I ever felt any lingering emotions, I'd suppress them. What I need is the ability to not have to suppress anything anymore and still be her friend.

You've contradicted yourself.

It's not a contradiction at all. Let me explain why it is not: I can be angry at some guy, and I could have a thought that I want to bash his brains in with a bat. The anger is real. I feel it. It exists. The image of me cracking his head open is also real. But I suppress the urge to bash his head in because I know that this is wrong.

That is why I might get a pang of feelings that I remember from long ago about my friend, and STILL not want anything but a friendship from her. Why? Because I respect her feelings and she stated very clearly that our dating days were over. So, I can think a thought, like bashing a guy's head in or remembering a feeling of love I once had, and not act upon it. Hence, no contradiction.

 

[user 115627]

I've had a number of relationships in the last ten years where I've had women fully reciprocate my feelings, and man, is it ever an awesome feeling. I can say that they have done wonders focusing my mind and my emotions on my partner and channeling my emotions toward someone who will actually return them to me. In these times, I am definitely in a better state of mind, and I don't feel any ache around my friend.

At the moment, I am single, so I think that is part of my challenge. I have all this love to offer, but no one to direct that energy toward. So maybe I feel this yearning to love someone, and the dull ache I feel in my stomach is me suppressing that yearning whenever I am around my friend because I know she cannot be the focus of those feelings.

To put it bluntly: Case needs a new girl...just kidding. You catch my drift and you already knew yourself well enough to get the bottom of the problem. My concerns were about the old wound actively sabotaging you while you were in love in the past or looking for someone new. That doesn't seem to be an issue though.

Now it's unlikely you'll just pull a new woman out of the hat, so you're left with finding other ways to channel your emotions. You definitely should, it would be a waste of potential otherwise. I guess people tend to dive into work, hobbies or activities with other friends then. For all I know you have been alone at some point during the past ten years, so you should know what works best for yourself. Don't think I have anything to offer you don't already know.