Case
Well-known member
This is long, so I hope you like reading.
I just finished watching an interview with filmmaker George Lucas. Lucas discusses selling his company to Disney, and since there is a new Star Wars film out that has nothing to do with him, Lucas was asked if he was okay with that.
He said he follows a simple rule of life: Whenever you break up with someone, he says, there are three rules you need to follow: The first rule is no phone calls. The second rule is you don't drive over to their house to see what they're doing. And the third rule is you don't show up at the places you know they'll visit. You just say "No," and cut off all contact, or else you will keep on opening up the wound.
Based on those three rules, I have an open wound that I don't think will ever close. Let me explain.
Over ten years ago, I loved a woman. I've written about her before on this forum. We dated for about a month or so, but she was not in love with me. While I know NOW that she wasn't in love with me, back then, she made it very vague, leaving me in emotional limbo. I had never felt this way about a woman before, and so, I wanted to fight for her love. Unfortunately, my passion for her was not appreciated, and she told me that we should no longer hang out together socially. I said, "Fine," but I was devastated. I also worked with her, so it was impossible for me to fulfill two of the above rules. The only thing I could do was be polite to her at work, and then have no contact with her off work hours, which is what I did.
And I did my best. I tried to get over the pain. I dated other people, and felt like I had finally gotten her out of my system. After six months of no socializing with her, I felt that being friends with her was preferable to not having her in my life at all.
Ten years ago, tomorrow night, New Year's Eve, was the night I decided to pursue a platonic friendship with her. To my amazement, she was happy to be my friend, and she has become one of my very best friends. She's been nothing but kind, thoughtful, and amazing as a friend, and I feel grateful that she is in my life.
Now comes the "But." BUT... the wounds of her rejection have never healed. In the ten years I've had this friendship with her, I still have this knot in my stomach sometimes about her. It's not love. It's more like I have no resolution for any of the rejected feelings I felt so long ago. And since I have essentially ignored the three rules mentioned above, it's like I am constantly walking around with a never-ending open wound in my heart that I have to hide whenever I'm around her.
To further complicate matters, I am now an honorary member of her larger family. I am invited to a variety of family gatherings even though I am the only one in this group who is not tied to someone by birth, dating, or marriage. Finally, she is single, and hasn't dated anyone in years, which means she is currently free to spend time with me whenever she wants.
So, I feel like the walking wounded with absolutely no way to heal. The only way I could fulfill George Lucas' three rules is by removing practically everyone I am close to at the moment completely from my life. I've tried to discuss some of this with her, but she does everything she can to avoid the topic. Either it's too uncomfortable for her, or she has forgotten how I felt about her, and isn't interested in revisiting those days.
My feeling is that she thinks that I've been "over her" this entire time. The truth is, while I am no longer in love with her, I don't feel I let enough time go by before re-starting this friendship, and sometimes I wonder if it wasn't one of the biggest mistakes I've ever made. On the surface, it would appear that I am just a really good friend to her. But inside, I think about her far more than I should, and I wish I could get her out of my head. Like right now, for example.
Ten years gone, and I still feel pain, and I'm not sure there is anything I can do about it now. (Of course, there is, but is this just something I have to just deal with? Like this is simply my price to pay for being her friend?)
TL-DR: After being rejected by a woman I was crazy for, I became her closest male friend and very close to her extended family, but I still feel some pain from the rejection ten years later, and I can see no way of healing.
I just finished watching an interview with filmmaker George Lucas. Lucas discusses selling his company to Disney, and since there is a new Star Wars film out that has nothing to do with him, Lucas was asked if he was okay with that.
He said he follows a simple rule of life: Whenever you break up with someone, he says, there are three rules you need to follow: The first rule is no phone calls. The second rule is you don't drive over to their house to see what they're doing. And the third rule is you don't show up at the places you know they'll visit. You just say "No," and cut off all contact, or else you will keep on opening up the wound.
Based on those three rules, I have an open wound that I don't think will ever close. Let me explain.
Over ten years ago, I loved a woman. I've written about her before on this forum. We dated for about a month or so, but she was not in love with me. While I know NOW that she wasn't in love with me, back then, she made it very vague, leaving me in emotional limbo. I had never felt this way about a woman before, and so, I wanted to fight for her love. Unfortunately, my passion for her was not appreciated, and she told me that we should no longer hang out together socially. I said, "Fine," but I was devastated. I also worked with her, so it was impossible for me to fulfill two of the above rules. The only thing I could do was be polite to her at work, and then have no contact with her off work hours, which is what I did.
And I did my best. I tried to get over the pain. I dated other people, and felt like I had finally gotten her out of my system. After six months of no socializing with her, I felt that being friends with her was preferable to not having her in my life at all.
Ten years ago, tomorrow night, New Year's Eve, was the night I decided to pursue a platonic friendship with her. To my amazement, she was happy to be my friend, and she has become one of my very best friends. She's been nothing but kind, thoughtful, and amazing as a friend, and I feel grateful that she is in my life.
Now comes the "But." BUT... the wounds of her rejection have never healed. In the ten years I've had this friendship with her, I still have this knot in my stomach sometimes about her. It's not love. It's more like I have no resolution for any of the rejected feelings I felt so long ago. And since I have essentially ignored the three rules mentioned above, it's like I am constantly walking around with a never-ending open wound in my heart that I have to hide whenever I'm around her.
To further complicate matters, I am now an honorary member of her larger family. I am invited to a variety of family gatherings even though I am the only one in this group who is not tied to someone by birth, dating, or marriage. Finally, she is single, and hasn't dated anyone in years, which means she is currently free to spend time with me whenever she wants.
So, I feel like the walking wounded with absolutely no way to heal. The only way I could fulfill George Lucas' three rules is by removing practically everyone I am close to at the moment completely from my life. I've tried to discuss some of this with her, but she does everything she can to avoid the topic. Either it's too uncomfortable for her, or she has forgotten how I felt about her, and isn't interested in revisiting those days.
My feeling is that she thinks that I've been "over her" this entire time. The truth is, while I am no longer in love with her, I don't feel I let enough time go by before re-starting this friendship, and sometimes I wonder if it wasn't one of the biggest mistakes I've ever made. On the surface, it would appear that I am just a really good friend to her. But inside, I think about her far more than I should, and I wish I could get her out of my head. Like right now, for example.
Ten years gone, and I still feel pain, and I'm not sure there is anything I can do about it now. (Of course, there is, but is this just something I have to just deal with? Like this is simply my price to pay for being her friend?)
TL-DR: After being rejected by a woman I was crazy for, I became her closest male friend and very close to her extended family, but I still feel some pain from the rejection ten years later, and I can see no way of healing.