Putting real effort in and failing

[MentatsGhoul]

Most of my life, I can honestly say my loneliness and lack of friends has been my own fault. I'm not beating myself up or anything, but it's the truth. I isolated myself, was a bit of a dick to people, I've always felt a few years behind in terms of social development compared to other people my age. I can completely understand why people would have had a hard time talking to me, and I sure as hell made no effort to talk to them.

But past year or two, I've been doing everything I could think of to actually breaking (won't go into too much detail as to how and why, covered that in my New Member thread). And I've failed to make any progress. Met new people, moved to a new flat, partied more times in the first few months of my second year of uni than I had in... my entire life actually now that I think of it. And yet now, I'm in the EXACT same position I was last year. Exact same. No friends. I'm not even going to talk about dating, that's an impossibility at this stage.

I'm actually going through a bit of a crisis right now, dropping all the social circles I tried and failed with, because I'm just tired of constantly trying to be friendly to people who act like they need to be extra careful around me, but I honestly have no alternatives lined up (smallish town, exhausted all the resources I had in my university to meet people). I really have no idea how to break out any more.

I'm really proud of myself for actually trying, but dammit, trying so much and failing every step of the way, not really making any "baby steps" even, it's making me more depressed and worry more about what's wrong with me. Does anyone have any advice on what to do on that stage?

 

[Tiina63]

I'm really sorry that things are so difficult for you. It's good that you have made a big effort to meet people and to build up a social life and to find friends for yourself.
Do you think though that maybe you are coming across as too eager to make friends and that this is why people act like they need to be extra careful when they are with you?
It is hard to make true friends. Like you I go out to various groups but although it is better than sitting at home alone, all I really have to show for it are a lot of aquaintances.

 

[MentatsGhoul]

I'm really sorry that things are so difficult for you. It's good that you have made a big effort to meet people and to build up a social life and to find friends for yourself.
Do you think though that maybe you are coming across as too eager to make friends and that this is why people act like they need to be extra careful when they are with you?
It is hard to make true friends. Like you I go out to various groups but although it is better than sitting at home alone, all I really have to show for it are a lot of aquaintances.

Thanks for your reply.
I kinda doubt that I come off as too eager, I think my natural introversion just stops that from happening. I mean, I try and keep conversations going, but usually just with stuff like "so how was your weekend, have many lessons today?" etc. Then again, you never know the effect you have on people. Something to keep in mind at least I guess.
Yeah, that's it, a lot of acquaintances. Sometimes I'm not even sure I should say hi when passing them on the street.

 

[Estrus]

Most of my life, I can honestly say my loneliness and lack of friends has been my own fault. I'm not beating myself up or anything, but it's the truth. I isolated myself, was a bit of a dick to people, I've always felt a few years behind in terms of social development compared to other people my age. I can completely understand why people would have had a hard time talking to me, and I sure as hell made no effort to talk to them.

But past year or two, I've been doing everything I could think of to actually breaking (won't go into too much detail as to how and why, covered that in my New Member thread). And I've failed to make any progress. Met new people, moved to a new flat, partied more times in the first few months of my second year of uni than I had in... my entire life actually now that I think of it. And yet now, I'm in the EXACT same position I was last year. Exact same. No friends. I'm not even going to talk about dating, that's an impossibility at this stage.

I'm actually going through a bit of a crisis right now, dropping all the social circles I tried and failed with, because I'm just tired of constantly trying to be friendly to people who act like they need to be extra careful around me, but I honestly have no alternatives lined up (smallish town, exhausted all the resources I had in my university to meet people). I really have no idea how to break out any more.

I'm really proud of myself for actually trying, but dammit, trying so much and failing every step of the way, not really making any "baby steps" even, it's making me more depressed and worry more about what's wrong with me. Does anyone have any advice on what to do on that stage?

Pretty much in the exact same boat as you. Thanks for posting this. Couldn't have written that first paragraph better myself. I too have failed at maintaining relationships and establishing any real connections throughout my life. And when I think I've made progress I'm always back to square one. You get sick of this sh## after awhile, especially when you see other people do it so easily. Some of it was my fault (mainly due to insecurity and being untrusting). But then I genuinely try and there is still rejection.

Most people always tell me it's a matter of working on your self (which takes forever it seems) and to continuously keep putting yourself in those uncomfortable situations until you're no longer so sensitive to it and overthinking it. Getting out of your comfort zone. Kind of going that route right now. Feels like trying is all you can do.

 

[handheart]

Yes its a mistake of yours but what if you go to them and ask forgivness .I dont know if inst to cruel with you .Also change these habits actions and thoughts .Smile be happy speak a lot with friends and you will succed

 

[Menorahman]

Pretend like you have something to offer others. People are selfish.

 

[Hopetracer]

Do your conversations with others revolve around same subjects mostly? If I feel my social life is in a state of stand still, I concentrate on other areas of my life and try to make general improvements. I make it a time to be occupied with hobbies and activities of my interest or with learning and training of skills. Personal progress may bring new chances to meet more people and raise possibility of getting to know like-minded people.

Another point is sometimes you do outstandingly well meeting many people in a large circle but can't find mutual connection because there's no one in circle with sufficiently similar perspective and priority as yours. It's not a result of low communication skills, it's a sign to move to another circle of potential friends.

 

[Pennywise]

Thanks for this post it is very interesting as i'am myself in the same situation. I still have no friends or at least not real friends, i know alot of people but only see them in situations where i meet them (sport, work,...) but find no one to hang out with. Always when i start a new activity i hope of finding someone special that i can become friend with and tie bonds but even when they are kind people it never goes further than that. Also i know it is my fault because i'am too introverted and too weird somtimes i feel like i scare people.

I think it is important not to give up to try and train because the more you get used to talk and be around people the more it gets easy.