Question on how much girls like affection?

[theSupporter]

I want to ask women, when you are in a relationship with a guy, say it is new, do you like to express affection to the guy, or do you prefer to let him initiate? Do you go for kisses and passionate embraces? How often? Do you prefer to let the guy just initiate sex or do you?

I was in a relationship for 6 years and hardly every got this. She wanted to be safe in my arms and cuddled, declared her love for me profusely, but she hardly ever would just come up to me with some raw passionate desire for me. I know guys aren't that that great to look at compared to women. I love looking at my woman, caressing and everything. To do that to a guy I guess is harder for women? In my case, I was told there was emotional walls in the way.

I'm dating again now and the same issue is happening with this woman. It was super hot the first couple weeks, now she doesn't pull me into the room anymore for some smoochin. We use to never get through a movie, and now she rather have me watch the movie. And it ain't a smothering thing, we go days without sex so when we're together it's hard not to want her.

I am pretty sweet and nice and I really spoil the women I care about, and I love affection as much as I can. I don't know if I'm putting out a "too sweet" vibe and these women just are not feeling it for me, or if it is their issues with intimacy, like stress, or emotional walls (which is what they claim usually). However, I will say, I'm sweet and nice in general, but when it comes to physical intimacy I am very outgoing and totally opposite my normal sweet quiet guy exterior. Also, from a purely physical standpoint, she is extremely satisfied in that department (several times usually ).

I don't have a lot of relationship experience. I just really am feeling a need to want to express my affections to my woman and want the same in return and I'm just not getting it.

I help clean, I help do stuff around the house, I buy gifts, flowers, etc... all stuff I like to do for love and cuz I care. So I am not being told I'm not doing enough or being a good partner.

I just wish I could be attacked or feel desired once in awhile, and I don't really understand why I haven't gotten that. I just feel like a tool and just waiting like a panting dog most of the time. And I'm not an everyday guy. Just throw me a friggen bone every few days or so! Maybe my brain is too simple when it comes to that and women are more moody?

Are women just not like this with men, so I'm just expecting too much?

 

[Elgin]

Some people are just way more into physical contact then others. I like to kiss and stuff sometimes but a guy who is all over me, all the time bugs me. I have no problem initiating contact or sex, but if I am in the middle of doing something and the dude wants to get cozy, I got no problem telling him to chill either. I can't say how often because every day is different.
I don't think cleaning the house or helping has a lot to do with this. You might want to be careful of hooking up with chicks looking for a maid or a meal ticket instead of a bf, they are out there, trust me. Good luck

 

[VanillaCreme]

Everyone is different. But perhaps, to her, the relationship has come to a point where she's more comfortable with being around you than always having to be physical with you. But, again, everyone is different. Just ask her, or talk to her about it.

 

[SkuzzieMuff]

*puts on glasses* Well, I usually crave intimate attention from my boyfriend on average four to five times a day, while I only see him on weekends. (end nerdy retardation.)

Ok, look. Now that I actually read some of your thread, I see something. If you have been in two relationships that follow the same pattern that for a little while you're both very excited (infatuated) and then it calms down fast, it's getting stale. Are you not exploring each other intimately through communication? Do you think maybe you engage in too much "small talk"? Girls get turned off by this kinda stuff. Maybe try to complement her in a way that you haven't before. Every woman hates "you're pretty, just 'cause". Maybe take a chance to really look at her, and pick out a very individual trait she has, and tell her that you like it, and why. The longer you go on and on about different ways you think she's pretty, the better. You gotta spark her interest and keep her interested, you can't just catch her and keep her. :/

 

[Kenny]

you can't just catch her and keep her. :/

Truer words were never spoken. Any woman on any day can have virtually any man she wants, and they know this. As much as you would like to think you two are perfect together, you need to realize that the very second you quit courting her she will move on to untold numbers of men who will.

 

[theSupporter]

Thanks for the comments. There is no catching and keeping. Actually, I complement her all the time and about very specific things I like about her. The whole cleaning comment was a poor attempt at describing more good things that I'm doing in the relationship that women tend to get turned on by, like a guy who is into teamwork and helping out, it seems to make guys more attractive.

Yeah, I'm not the smothering type either, I keep my space, give her space, don't call too often. I think the comfortable being around me part has settled in. I wouldn't mind someone being all over me, I mean, how is that really a bad thing that someone wants you all the time? I guess I would like to try it on for size before I decide that it will be too much. Granted sometimes life gets in the way and you get crabby and other issues.

I'm going to talk to her about it. She is going through some stressful situation right now so it is not appropriate. I always make excuses though, can't talk about it now cuz this is going on with her.

I dunno, I guess when I'm in love with someone I like to show it more. It's nice to sit and cuddle watching tv and have that shared time, but dang man, I want to eat her up sometimes and I just wish I could get that back in return. I'm wondering if it is just something about fickle women who are not that open. Especially heading into 40s, you got baggage, or divorce or heartbreak and all that stupid crap gets in the way.

communication is the biggest part though. I'm not holding back so much and just trying to tactfully bring it up so it doesn't stew and bother me. I just like to get some of my thoughts out there cuz they don't come that easily to me.

I just wanted to get some opinions to see what other women are like and how they like to express themselves.

Thank you.

 

[I'm Fine]

Personally speaking I tend to take my cues from my husband. He's naturally very quiet and likes LOTS of alone time so when he does come to me for attention, of any kind, I lap it up (eww, that sounds icky but you know what I mean). I would like more attention from him, like he gave me when we were first together but sometimes it's just not meant to be. And yes, I've tried giving him more attention from me but he gets cranky when I do that so I've learnt not to do that. Maybe she's had similar relationships and needs to learn that you need higher levels than she's used to giving?

But yes, I would suggest talking to her, if only so YOU know you've done what you can to resolve the problem.

Good luck.

 

[Badjedidude]

This shouldn't even BE a question.



Women LOVE affection, and as much as they can get...

...mostly. lol

 

[SofiasMami]

I'm wondering if it is just something about fickle women who are not that open. Especially heading into 40s, you got baggage, or divorce or heartbreak and all that stupid crap gets in the way.

Well I'm "heading into" my 40s but I don't exactly fit into this profile. My baggage is checked; if I'm into a man, I enjoy lots of affection. The two of you may just not be compatible on how much affection each of you likes. Be careful of generalizing women though. I know it's easier to generalize to try and make sense of things but not all women fit into neat categories.
Good luck, whatever happens.

Teresa

 

[AimeeLou84]

All women are different, the same as all men. We all like different levels of affection. Personally speaking I LOVE affection. I love kissing and cuddling and sex. The problem is I am now reluctant to initiate intimacy of any kind. I used to be in a relationship with a guy who pushed me away when I tried to get intimate with him. When I don't have affection in a relationship I hate it. I guess it makes you feel loved and wanted.

However, saying that I was once with a guy who was too affectionate. I hated any type of affection while I was with him and constantly pushed him away. This was mainly due to the fact that I didn't respect him because he used to lie to me. But it got to a point where I hated him touching me.

I think it depends upon how "into" a person you are. If you love them and you are attracted to them then you will love intimacy. If not then it will make you feel uncomfortable. It also depends upon the woman's experiences with intimacy in the past.

The best thing to do would be to talk to her about it. Communication is a big thing in a relationship and when you are dating. You need to be on the same page

 

[ShybutHi]

All women are different, the same as all men. We all like different levels of affection. Personally speaking I LOVE affection. I love kissing and cuddling and sex. The problem is I am now reluctant to initiate intimacy of any kind. I used to be in a relationship with a guy who pushed me away when I tried to get intimate with him. When I don't have affection in a relationship I hate it. I guess it makes you feel loved and wanted.

However, saying that I was once with a guy who was too affectionate. I hated any type of affection while I was with him and constantly pushed him away. This was mainly due to the fact that I didn't respect him because he used to lie to me. But it got to a point where I hated him touching me.

I think it depends upon how "into" a person you are. If you love them and you are attracted to them then you will love intimacy. If not then it will make you feel uncomfortable. It also depends upon the woman's experiences with intimacy in the past.

The best thing to do would be to talk to her about it. Communication is a big thing in a relationship and when you are dating. You need to be on the same page

Agreed.

 

[Elgin]

I'm wondering if it is just something about fickle women who are not that open. Especially heading into 40s, you got baggage, or divorce or heartbreak and all that stupid crap gets in the way.

Well I'm "heading into" my 40s but I don't exactly fit into this profile. My baggage is checked; if I'm into a man, I enjoy lots of affection. The two of you may just not be compatible on how much affection each of you likes. Be careful of generalizing women though. I know it's easier to generalize to try and make sense of things but not all women fit into neat categories.
Good luck, whatever happens.

Teresa

I totally agree with this. Not all women are alike. I like attention and affection when the time is right and I'm not in the middle of something, but some guys can be way too ready to be all over you, all the **** time and that tiks me off. No one likes a good steamy roll in the bed more than me but life needs to be lived with out getting pawed at all the time too. Compatibility has to be there.

 

[jales]

I am not really affectionate. Actually no one in my family is. My husband is the total opposite and likes to kiss and hug and ...everything.. a lot. I like that he does it, but it is hard for me to show love in this way. Actually it is hard for me to show love at all. But I do show love. I think that maybe you could look at it as she shows love in a different way to how you show love.

Look for the ways that she shows you love. And of course ask her about it. Some people are just not so much into the physical things.. It does not necessarily mean that we do not love you, and it does not necessarily mean that we do not like physical attention.

 

[Enchanted Girl]

I love physical attention. My boyfriend and I cuddle whenever we are talking or watching something together. We touch each other when we sleep in the same bed at night. We have sex every day. We kiss all the time. I guess I'm lucky. We're just really compatible in this area. We usually want all these things at the same time as each other. I hope that never changes and he never gets bored with it like that. I crave it and would be sad if it became less than it is now.

 

[Kenny]

Affectionate means to show love and arguably to feel love.

It does not mean to be constantly kissing, hugging and touching.

That being said, it does mean to be kissing, hugging and touching.

Why would anyone want to be married to a person who dislikes regularly (not constantly) kissing, hugging and touching them?

Why would anyone want to marry someone that they don't want to regularly (not constantly) kiss, hug or touch?

This concept seems very confusing to me. I am not an overly affectionate person in my opinion, but when I'm with someone they will get at least a warm hug (just loving, nothing sexual) and maybe a kiss on the cheek every morning before we part ways and at the very least a kiss goodnight. I also always make sure to touch her a few times during the evening time, arm around the waist, a gentle up and down on the back when I see her standing in the kitchen, etc.

The thought that affection is something that people in a relationship would not want or do not like is a very weird notion to me.

 

[jales]

@ kenny..
(if you meant me)

yup.. I know that I am weird in this respect.. all of my sisters are exactly the same though.. and have the same problem in their relationships.. I guess it has something to do with or family.

But there are other reasons to marry a person besides affection.
- the person knows you completely, understands you, accepts you and loves you
- you have fun around the person
- they make you laugh
- they are your best friend and you cant imagine ...or dont want to imagine life without them
- you want them to father/mother your children
- the sex is amazing (though this is not a valid valid reason..it helps, and you dont need to be very affectionate physically for this to be the case)

In my whole life I have never seen my parents kiss or hug.. and they only really hug us if we have been away from them for a really long time.

edit: But yes, I do/am working on the fact that I am how I am... and I know for certain that I would prefer that my kids are like my husband.. hugging their spouse daily etc.. so I will try to tell them/ show them that they should be like that.

 

[Kenny]

I wonder about people who claim to not be affectionate, simply because I d not understand. Does this lack of physical displays of affection translate into a larger lack of affection? I mean, that would be a problem. We would hoped to be loved by our loved ones. Hmm idk.

Just so you know, Jales, I am not badmouthing you. I just don't understand. I can not seem to reconcile claiming to feel affection but being unable(?) or unwilling(?) or uncommitted(?) to showing it? If my significant other did not show me affection (physical, emotional) I would suspect one of two things: that she didn't love me, that she was withholding love in an attempt to control or manipulate me. I would strongly want to give her the benefit of the doubt, but I know that I could not.

Let me ask you this: If you don't enjoy or partake in physical affection, it would be safe to say that you don't see it as important or sacred. If that is the case, would you have a problem with your husband seeking that elsewhere? If so, how do you reconcile it not being sacred when you withhold it, but it being sacred if he dared to seek it elsewhere?



Just trying to make you think, and also trying to understand. I try not to assume bad things about people, you seem like a very nice person. However I have been in relationships with women who intentionally and with malicious forethought and calculation manipulated affection in our relationship to control/harm me.

So if there is an innocent side to not being affectionate, I have yet to see it in real world existence.

Example of how different points-of-view can be. Let's say you have a relationship, such as yours, where one partner is not very physically affectionate.

Bystander A: may say that person is just different but still loves him
Bystander B: may say that person doesn't love him enough to show it

I'm like Person B because I simply can not understand, literally I can't even imagine, loving someone and not "showing" them when I am feeling it.

When I love someone, at that very moment that I feel strong love for them, I feel that need to express that, because it is IMPORTANT to me that she KNOW she is LOVED. I guess I could clean her car, or make her breakfast, or do the laundry, or whatever. But I think the simple most effective way of letting someone KNOW they are loved is to TELL them "I love you" and SHOW them by touching them tenderly.

 

[SophiaGrace]

I guess I could clean her car, or make her breakfast, or do the laundry, or whatever.

I think these actions can show love.

Maybe you are confusing physical affection with emotional affection.

Some people just don't like to be touched perhaps, but will show you their love in a thousand other thoughtful ways.

Asking you how your day was.
Writing you a poem.
Taking care of you when you are sick.
Helping you when your car breaks down.
Giving you flowers.
Talking with you about how you feel.
Being emotionally supportive when you feel blah.
Helping you with the chores.
Telling you they love you.


How are these not an expression of affection? Perhaps you mean to say that you wouldn't be emotionally fulfilled in a romantic relationship without physical affection.

I, on the other hand, could see myself feeling fulfilled without physical affection.

 

[jales]

I'm not entirely sure if it translates into a larger lack of affection. I know that I am very emotional so if I was to lose someone that I loved (and I think that I take really long to actually fall in love.. so I've never yet lost someone that I loved).. I would be very, very emotional.

Like I would go mad, and be suicidal and all that. But I know that I can be very cold sometimes. Even though I love the person, it is instinctive to be cold. I don't know why.. I guess some will say that I dont really love them. But I do.

Okay but also about manipulation. Yes if I am angry with my husband I would be more cold than normal.. But sometimes I have caught myself being kind of cold even when everything is fine.

Maybe my love is not the best version of love out there, but it changes with time and it is the best version of love that I can offer. As for him seeking physical affection outside of me, I would be really, really upset. So no he can not do that. It is scared, I just do not naturally tend to be someone who would initiates physical contact.

You have to give me an example of how women use physical affection to manipulate a relationship. The only one I can think of is withholding sex.. and I have never done that to anyone after the initial act has taken place. (Odd but that was something my mother told me that I should never do..so I never did it. If my guy wants that, he gets that).

But yea..according to my mom her and my father have never exchanged the words 'I love you'. So it was very odd to me being in a relationship where my husband says that all the time. But again I always reply 'I love you' to him. And after a while I even started saying it before him sometimes. More often he will still say it first.. but I did change/get better.

I think I am somewhat like my parents, they dont actually do anything to show that they love each other, but if they are not around each other for a prolonged period of time they just can not function.. and that is the only time you can really tell that they love each other. And I am not trying to manipulate my husband. I simply did not grow up hugging and kissing people, or seeing people hug and kiss as often as he did. Though he claims his parents are similar to mine..

I wonder about people who claim to not be affectionate, simply because I d not understand. Does this lack of physical displays of affection translate into a larger lack of affection? I mean, that would be a problem. We would hoped to be loved by our loved ones. Hmm idk.

Just so you know, Jales, I am not badmouthing you. I just don't understand. I can not seem to reconcile claiming to feel affection but being unable(?) or unwilling(?) or uncommitted(?) to showing it? If my significant other did not show me affection (physical, emotional) I would suspect one of two things: that she didn't love me, that she was withholding love in an attempt to control or manipulate me. I would strongly want to give her the benefit of the doubt, but I know that I could not.

Let me ask you this: If you don't enjoy or partake in physical affection, it would be safe to say that you don't see it as important or sacred. If that is the case, would you have a problem with your husband seeking that elsewhere? If so, how do you reconcile it not being sacred when you withhold it, but it being sacred if he dared to seek it elsewhere?



Just trying to make you think, and also trying to understand. I try not to assume bad things about people, you seem like a very nice person. However I have been in relationships with women who intentionally and with malicious forethought and calculation manipulated affection in our relationship to control/harm me.

So if there is an innocent side to not being affectionate, I have yet to see it in real world existence.

Example of how different points-of-view can be. Let's say you have a relationship, such as yours, where one partner is not very physically affectionate.

Bystander A: may say that person is just different but still loves him
Bystander B: may say that person doesn't love him enough to show it

I'm like Person B because I simply can not understand, literally I can't even imagine, loving someone and not "showing" them when I am feeling it.

When I love someone, at that very moment that I feel strong love for them, I feel that need to express that, because it is IMPORTANT to me that she KNOW she is LOVED. I guess I could clean her car, or make her breakfast, or do the laundry, or whatever. But I think the simple most effective way of letting someone KNOW they are loved is to TELL them "I love you" and SHOW them by touching them tenderly.

---

Yes I agree with what Sohpia says.

Also things I do to show affection then would be.

- Every morning I walk him to his bike, and I watch him leave till I cant see him again
- Cook whatever he wants, so my diet has dramatically changed since he is a vegetarian and I basically used to eat only meat before him
- I hate to iron, but he likes everything of his ironed even his underwear, I do this
- Umm...thinking... oh I write in a book every time he does something that I like/appreciate.. the book is called 'What I love about you'

Hmm that's all I can think of.

- I make him breakfast and dinner and clean etc.. but I would have to do that even if we weren't together so yea..

 

[Kenny]

What are your opinions on the following statements:

- If Susie loves Billy, it should be important to Susie that Billy "feels loved".

- If it is important to Susie that Billy "feels loved", she will make sure to show Billy that he is loved, so he does in fact "feel loved".

- If Susie is taking steps to make sure that Billy "feels loved", she should know what these steps are and be able to list them.

- If Susie does not actively attempt to make Billy "feel loved", then it would be safe to assume that she doesn't love him.

Now to answer your question:

I have been emotionally manipulated by women who make sure that there is always a relationship imbalance. They have to love me a little less and do for me a little less. So our relationships have become like a mathematical equation - numbers, lists, totals, scores, etc.

Do you know what another word for equation is? Calculation. Do you know what another word for calculation is? Manipulation. I have nothing against a woman longing for her own needs and desires to be met in life, however, she must also be cognizant of the fact that every minute she spends calculating how to get those things is a minute not spent loving me or making me feel loved.

I don't need a constant stream of affection to be happy, but I do need to "feel loved" to be happy (or I should say I would rather be single and lonely then in a relationship and unloved), and if my woman KNOWS what it takes to make me happy and it unable or unwilling to provide it, well, then I check out. The reason being, at that point there is a relationship imbalance.

Here's why: When I am in a relationship, MY FIRST PRIORITY is for my loved one to know that she is loved, so she "feels loved". If this is not her first priority with me, then I am gone. I will not make someone my first priority and then have her put me further down the list after: job, car, friends, fun, excitement, drama, whatever.

Now, don't get me wrong - I want my woman to have a great life, her own life, her own space, her own friends, her own hobbies, her own things - but of all of those things that our "hers", I need to be the most important one.

You seem to imply, through mentioning it multiple times, that you are a cold person because your parents were cold. I understand that a lot of people think this way (that we become like our parents, etc). However I do not subscribe to that line of thinking. If I did, I would need to beat and abandon my children.