Questions for the Men

[CenotaphGirl]

Honestly I am not a mind reader nor am I good at guessing stuff I'd rather she told me flat out she had things she wanted to discuss with me but hopefully in a calm respectful way I can get quite anxious and if I feel like I'm being attacked I can get quite withdrawn and defensive but like a gentle "Hey can we talk about something" Will make me more open and receptive... if that makes sense?

But do you think that the discussion would hurt your feelings?

 

[TogetherAlone]

But do you think that the discussion would hurt your feelings?

Depends, maybe it might hurt a bit to start with but if it's something that bothered her I'd rather know about it then have it fester and possibly cause more pain and drama later on. Also the sooner I know about something the sooner I can work on something/decide if it's something I can work on etc.

 

[NoxApex(N/A)]

Okay okay, this question is from my actual life, but im asking for a friend. Disclaimer it kinda involves race... a little bit... So I have this friend, and she's into the finer things in life, posh dinners and travelling, her boyfriend is... working class and embarrassed to be around "posh white people" so embarrassed that he wouldn't even get breakfast at a hotel, because he had to walk into a room full of "posh white people" So she had to go into the room and get it for him!! Like a massive chip on his shoulder. She wants to approach the issue without offending him, like still make him feel like a man but pull him up on it, but how?

My question is as men, if your girlfriend wanted to approach a sensitive issue with you, how would you want her to go about it? Do you think its normal for a man to act this way?

Directly, but gently.
Directly approach the sensitive issue, but don't phrase it in a way that will offend them, because it's a sensitive issue, and so that can go very badly very quickly. A linguist would actually probably be good at this, since there are different ways to phrase things.

Case and point:
I turned down a girl I'm actually very attracted to physically, but I turned her down because there's a significant age and maturity difference between us, and I just don't want to have to deal with that. So, I put it into a perspective that she agreed to ideologically, and that seemed to pacify potential conflict before it started. Thus, working around a problem, rather than through the problem.

Sensitive issues often exist due to irrationalities, and those irrationalities need to be gently approached and lightly unboxed and corrected over a long period of time. Think of it, like tending to a deep wound. Regrettably, usually what happens instead is a merciless direct approach that comes off badly phrased with no acknowledgment to the reasons why that person feels the way that they feel, which gets taken as counterpointed criticism, which brings up conflict and starts a fight because you accidentally offended the person that you're trying to help. So instead of helping them, the result is that you hurt them, which makes the problem/wound even harder/worse.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

Directly, but gently.
Directly approach the sensitive issue, but don't phrase it in a way that will offend them, because it's a sensitive issue, and so that can go very badly very quickly. A linguist would actually probably be good at this, since there are different ways to phrase things.

Case and point:
I turned down a girl I'm actually very attracted to physically, but I turned her down because there's a significant age and maturity difference between us, and I just don't want to have to deal with that. So, I put it into a perspective that she agreed to ideologically, and that seemed to pacify potential conflict before it started. Thus, working around a problem, rather than through the problem.

Sensitive issues often exist due to irrationalities, and those irrationalities need to be gently approached and lightly unboxed and corrected over a long period of time. Think of it, like tending to a deep wound. Regrettably, usually what happens instead is a merciless direct approach that comes off badly phrased with no acknowledgment to the reasons why that person feels the way that they feel, which gets taken as counterpointed criticism, which brings up conflict and starts a fight because you accidentally offended the person that you're trying to help. So instead of helping them, the result is that you hurt them, which makes the problem/wound even harder/worse.

Omg, this is interesting,

I hide behind humour, so I would have probably made a joke or something, but I think that could result in what you was saying about some hurt feelings because he might feel misunderstood.

She has been trying to avoid posh places, but its crazy, they cant even go on holiday, or do anything, like its strange as he's so confident in all other areas. Then he turns into this other person...

 

[MissBehave]

She should go about it as she would with anyone she cares about. In a non judgmental way where she creates a safe space to talk about everything that he feels. Validate his feelings and try to talk about possible ways to help the situation.

 

[Colster]

Another bloke who needs to Man up, and grow a pair. Boo hoo hoo, posh people. fresia off! PEOPLE, just PEOPLE.

 

[Finished]

IMO, I tend to agree more with Colster on this one. I've found myself in a similar situation, although not race based, and I sucked it up and pretended to be a confident, calm, and strong in that situation because the woman I was with needed me to be that way. It's more about doing uncomfortable things for the other person because you know they'll appreciate it and feel good about it. If she isn't okay with his actions he needs to know. The discussing should be direct and honest.

 

[ardour]

Or she could respect the fact he doesn't want to be around groups of people he's had bad experiences with in the past. I'm white but I don't want to be around a lot of upper middle class white people either. Particularly Brits (no offence...) The racism/ classism is probably quite obvious to him.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

Another bloke who needs to Man up, and grow a pair. Boo hoo hoo, posh people. fresia off! PEOPLE, just PEOPLE.

Are you allowed to say ... "man up"? I thought that was taboo

 

[CenotaphGirl]

Or she could respect the fact he doesn't want to be around groups of people he's had bad experiences with in the past. I'm white but I don't want to be around a lot of upper middle class white people either. Particularly Brits (no offence...) The racism/ classism is probably quite obvious to him.

I mean, even though he cant even get breakfast on a holiday? It just seems strange. She said he was acting like someone who was scared to go down a dark alley in the middle of the night, literally terrified.

 

[ewomack]

Okay okay, this question is from my actual life, but im asking for a friend. Disclaimer it kinda involves race... a little bit... So I have this friend, and she's into the finer things in life, posh dinners and travelling, her boyfriend is... working class and embarrassed to be around "posh white people" so embarrassed that he wouldn't even get breakfast at a hotel, because he had to walk into a room full of "posh white people" So she had to go into the room and get it for him!! Like a massive chip on his shoulder. She wants to approach the issue without offending him, like still make him feel like a man but pull him up on it, but how?

My question is as men, if your girlfriend wanted to approach a sensitive issue with you, how would you want her to go about it? Do you think its normal for a man to act this way?

It sounds like it's worth a discussion. She should ask him about it. Who knows? Depending on his racial background and his experiences, which he may or may not want to talk openly about, he might have a very good reason to be terrified of "white posh people," or at least mistrust them enough to feel terrified around them. It might not be from "a chip on his shoulder." Or he may be terrified of doing something "incorrect" in front of his girlfriend, fearing that he would look silly and embarrass her, thus endangering their relationship. The class system in the UK sounds like it can get pretty suffocating, snobbish and intimidating from what I've heard, so he may have his own good reasons for his behavior. I don't know. A discussion needs to happen.

Whatever the reason, positive or negative, she needs to talk to him about it. If he does just have "a chip on his shoulder," then that's good information for her to have. Does she want to be with someone like that? If he has some good reason for acting that way, perhaps she can help him out with it? People in relationships need to communicate, support each other and give each other the benefit of the doubt unless evidence proves otherwise.

 

[Colster]

Are you allowed to say ... "man up"? I thought that was taboo

probably not, but no fucks given here.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

Or he may be terrified of doing something "incorrect" in front of his girlfriend, fearing that he would look silly and embarrass her, thus endangering their relationship.

Wow you know what....I never thought of this but she said he got upset not understanding how the cutlery worked, and they were in like a booth so no one could even see. now you put that, it makes me think of my brother... he cant read very well so he always says "I'll have what my sisters having" if we are out together, as he's ashamed of not being able to read the menus so thats his cover story in a way.

 

[ewomack]

The doctor once told me to "man up" when checking me for a hernia. I can't say that it did much for me.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

The doctor once told me to "man up" when checking me for a hernia. I can't say that it did much for me.

I'd cry if someone told me to "man up" I would cry out of confusion because I just wouldn't know where to begin.

 

[Colster]

I'd cry if someone told me to "man up" I would cry out of confusion because I just wouldn't know where to begin.

Tesiticles, sweaty armpits, dubious hygiene, and irrational lusts.

 

[ewomack]

I'd cry if someone told me to "man up" I would cry out of confusion because I just wouldn't know where to begin.

That would prove confusing in your case, yes, just as if someone asked me to "woman up." I would probably look up at the ceiling and begin searching for women.

I failed to mention that the doctor meant it as a lame joke, he laughed when he said it. The procedure sometimes requires one to literally "man up." I will spare you the details.

 

[Colster]

That would prove confusing in your case, yes, just as if someone asked me to "woman up." I would probably look up at the ceiling and begin searching for women.

I failed to mention that the doctor meant it as a lame joke, he laughed when he said it. The procedure sometimes requires one to literally "man up." I will spare you the details.

Did he get his wedding ring, back?

 

[CenotaphGirl]

Tesiticles, sweaty armpits, dubious hygiene, and irrational lusts.

Ugh I cant imagine what having testicles is like, so weird the thought of it makes me wanna shut my legs extra tight and pop them lmao Sweaty armpits.. I dont even sweat, I cant mess up my perfect hygiene routine, keeps the pimples away and irrational lusts is not manly... everyone has that

There is no possible way for me to man up... i'm as feminine as a flower

 

[MissBehave]

Are you allowed to say ... "man up"? I thought that was taboo

I think telling a man to "man up" just creates more honeysuckle. Why would you tell someone u care about that if you can't handle this, then you aren't a man. That's basically what thst statement means. Male emotions and feelings isn't them being weak or less of a man. It's human.
Saying stuff like that for sure doesn't make your relationship a good place for him to lower his guard.