Nicolelt said:
I don't even know if I will really post this.
I am having an issue with that lovely three letter word that all relationships need, aka sex. I have low to zero sex drive. I am going to therapist now (only one session so far though), and he diagnosed me with depression, anxiety, and some kind of behavior disorder that I can't remember off the top of my head. I know that depression, self image, and other issues can cause a low sex drive. I straight up have no desire to have sex. It's not him, it's me, my head cannot get into it.
Anyways, my fiancee, has a really high sex drive, he is like a teenage boy I swear. He is frustrated because he is not getting enough sex, and it's because that is how he feels a connection with me and feels loved. When I reject him, because my head is not into it, he takes it personal. Now, please, no one attack him, none of this is his fault, this is very common.
After doing some research, I decided the best thing I could do is take one for the team. Just do it. Even if the desire is not there, just do it, and fulfill his needs. I am willing to do this, until I get my head straighten out, then maybe I can get back into the desire to have sex.
I been working on myself. I lost 11 pounds, and working on more. I've been exercising, taking vitamins, and now I am starting therapy. I wrote him a letter, because sometimes, he doesn't always get what I am saying, so spelling it out for an english teacher made sense to me. I asked him to accept I was trying, explained why my desire was gone, explained that I understood his needs, and was willing to have sex with him even though I wasn't wanting it. I said I would like him to respect me through my journey, and that I cannot fix this over night. I asked for patience.
I met up with him a little after and asked for his thoughts. His response was, "We'll see how it goes."
I am so hurt by this. We'll see? What? Does he think I am going to fail? Does he not believe I am trying and want it to get better? Does he even want it to work? (these are questions I will be asking him soon).
I had to leave, I couldn't take the pain. I feel like I put so much responsibility on me, and I'm trying, but I can't even get encouragement? He is the one that is miserable in our relationship, he can't even have hope?
Sorry this is so long...
This is... Quite the problem... But it's not an uncommon one.
You describe your low sex drive and talk about how you've been to a therapist and have been diagnosed with Anxiety, Depression and the like (I'm sorry by the way, any combination of those things is absolutely dreadful and I feel for you as someone who has suffered with those things for huge chunks of his life)
... Did you ever have a "normal" (and I use this phrase VERY loosely, because "normal" sex drive doesn't exist IMO) sex drive? Was your intimate relationship more frequent when you started dating and has become more infrequent due to occurrences or changes in your life (Or perhaps even, because of the length of your relationship)?
Or have you always had a very low libido?
Regardless of your answer, neither of them can be considered a bad thing.
If the answer to this is that you used to have a higher sex drive but then you got promoted at work, or school became really stressful, or you've been battling with demons... Then this is a matter of fixing the cause (Assuming you WANT to of course, but that's a discussion for another time.) in order to bring your libido back to where it was.
If this is a matter of a lengthy relationship and the sex just... Becoming less frequent? It's pretty natural and will require both parties to put in the work if Sex is to be kept frequent.
If you've ALWAYS had a low libido? It could be less a matter of whose at fault, and more a matter of you two simply not being sexually compatible.
Sexual compatibility is a pretty big part of any relationship because Sex is a pretty big party of many relationships (and a really small part of others, which is why sexual compatibility is important for ANY relationship) and being compatible with one another can make a relationship go a lot smoother, or become a lot more difficult.
If the two of you aren't sexually compatible, then you both need to communicate a lot more, and be VERY honest with each other about everything if you wanna make things work out to the best of your abilities. Simply leaving things alone won't work out because from my personal experience, it's a ticking time bomb waiting to go off.
One person (in this case, your fiancee) is left wanting sex a lot more than the other (In this case, you) and that can cause conflict in the relationship, especially if the initiator is always denied... It can leave them feeling unloved, make them feel undesired, like you don't want or care about them which can, in turn, hurt their self-esteem.
There are two very important components here that need to be acknowledged or else things aren't going to go well.
1. You are
ABSOLUTELY NOT in the wrong for feeling the way you do, regardless of the situation. Blaming yourself will not fix anything, and either of you blaming each other will not fix anything either, though you seem to have a pretty good grasp of this which is a good thing.
This is something that needs to be worked on from both ends, and I'm really happy that you're putting steps in place to fix things on your end, going to a therapist is a fantastic idea to try and increase that libido and it really shows that you're trying to make this work. Your fiancee will hopefully support you on this path.
2. Your fiancee has desires the same as you, and while it is fantastic that you're putting steps in place to try and fix what you perceive to be a problem... Level of understanding is required from both ends. He is going to want Sex because he has a much higher drive than you, you need him to be patient yet you need to be equally as understanding of his drive as he needs to be of your lack of, so to speak.
Now then... I think you've done an incredible job thus far, but I as a hot blooded male see a potential... Error in judgment.
I asked him to accept I was trying, explained why my desire was gone, explained that I understood his needs, and was willing to have sex with him even though I wasn't wanting it. I said I would like him to respect me through my journey, and that I cannot fix this over night. I asked for patience.
The rest of it I think is marvelous and you should be commended for going about it in such an exemplary manner, but the bolded part I can see a potential issue.
How you phrased this could entirely change how it came across, but for me as a hot blooded male I could definitely see this as meaning a couple of different things.
1. "I'm not attracted to you sexually, but I'll still have sex with you anyway."
Whether it be because he thinks you believe he doesn't get you off, or because he doesn't please you, or you're too rough, or inexperienced, or you don't like the way he looks or... (The list can go on and on and on) this is horrifying for someone to hear, especially from their partner.
2. "I don't want sex, but you do so I
GUESS I'll do it to make you happy..."
Of course implying that it's a massive hassle for you, completely taking the mood, emotion and intimacy of the experience. This could also be taken in a condescending manner, saying that his desires are a bother or that his sexual desires mean little to you
3. "I'm in a really difficult place at the moment, and I understand that you have your sexual needs... And I'm willing to work through this with you and try my best to be more sexually active if it will help our relationship"
This is the third option and this is how you HOPE he's taken it (and also how I hope you've phrased it). This means that he has no reason not to comprehend that you understand his position and that you're willing to work with him as a couple to fix what you both perceive to be a problem in your relationship. This is the option that you BOTH want, because this is the option that will be the most productive.
Now granted, I completely understand that this ISN'T what you've said, but I of course, am a third party who is not in your fiancee's position, I can think with a clear head because I'm not emotionally involved with you at all and you didn't say all of this to me directly.
But HIM? If you told him that, he could have taken it ANY NUMBER of different ways and his potential reaction can be justified or not entirely based on your delivery.
Now this could very well be miscommunication on BOTH ends here depending on how you've taken HIS response.
The best case scenario here, is that he's saying "We'll see" in response to you having sex with him because he wants it...
But hopefully he's not saying it as in "Pfft, we'll see" *Rolls eyes* because he thinks you aren't going to have sex with him and this is a problem that isn't going to be fixed...
Hopefully he's saying "We'll see." As in, "We'll see how you're feeling at the time." which is considerate of your feelings as a person.
Regardless, I think he's rather shocked and I think its definitely going to take some time for it all to sink in for him but this is something that the two of you are going to need to communicate about frequently, and often and this is something that you need to tell him.
You two are going to need to be VERY honest with each other about everything, you want him to be as honest with you as you are with him, and you both need to make it absolutely clear that you're not going to take anything personally... Because he's going to have opinions, desires and needs and so are you.
You're both going to need to find a middle ground here and I think the MOST important thing here is to NOT get upset with him about his response to you. His response can be just as justified as your response is to him and you being angry at him is no better than him being angry at you and that will get neither of you anywhere.
I think that you should put his response aside, ask him about it if you wish, but don't put any weight in what he's said if you two really wanna make this work (because it will do nothing but hurt your relationship, it offers more harm than good, so you should throw it aside for the sake of the relationship IMO)... Instead, communicate and work with him (and hopefully, he will work with you in return) to improve on your relationship, because he SHOULD know that if things continue the way they're going, it more than likely won't end too well... Especially if he can't put his sexual drive on hold (but if he cares about you, and your relationship enough, and as long as you're both willing to work as a team, I think you'll be able to manage through it)
