Rejection here, there, EVERYWHERE! Anyone else?

[Shimmer]

Hi guys,

Okay so, I've been rejected a lot in my life. I had a few distinct moments in my childhood: not getting picked a sports team, rejections by people who I thought were my friends... And when I was a teenager, getting rejections from people who were my friends who then decided to just lose touch with me, and from my long time childhood best friend of over 10 years who I assume thought her college and uni friends were better... heh.. also rejections from my sisters who have had a mutual best friend so close that I feel like I've slowly become a replaced sister (ugh... honestly, looking at their Facebook photos together is just agonising.) Undoubtedly, there has been a clear pattern of repeated rejections in my life.

Nowadays, I am an (semi-functional! ) adult, living my own life away from my old friends, away from my family, and I have new people in my life that I am still kind of getting to know. However, those past rejections are like a massive wound in my psyche, and they affect SO MANY aspects of my life today. I'm pretty sure I feel deeply, deeply confused still by why those people felt the need to reject me in my past. I am married to a kickass man who I have an incredible relationship with, so I just think to myself, if I didn't repel him, why did I repel them? He doesn't understand why I was rejected either. Whatever the reason, my work life has been affected and my social anxiety now is incredibly high.

Have any of you been rejected a lot in your life? How has that impacted your life today? I really would like to hear other people's stories. I don't think we should feel flawed by our rejections, but I know it's hard not to. How can we get over them? Do you think you have been able to let them go? Anyone have any tips on not giving a sh*t? I mean that'd be lovely, wouldn't it?

 

[HoodedMonk]

Perhaps you just need a different perspective. I think it is the patterns of life. Friendship is seen as automatically less important than family and significant other relationships after college. It sucks when you dont have a close family though, makes it harder to go through life IMO. Of course, others might cope just fine, but dont feel bad about your friends drifting away from you and breaking off friendships. It probably has much less to do with you than it does societal patterns and expectations.

 

[Peaches]

I know how you feel...
a) maybe you just were born or grew up in the wrong place, wrong neighbourhood, your parents were a bit different from all the others
b) we believe in fate or karma and your bad karma is over for now, and there was no particular reason why those people rejected you, or all those people rejecting you was some kind of statistical occurrence, like in head or tail when tail comes out 30 times in a row
c) you had some issues and now you don't have them anymore, so you don't have to worry


With regards to my experience, the explanation can be:
at school, parents from a different state with a different accent, school with very rough kids while I was sensitive and polite
high school, for some years only hanging out with people with really different interests, then I found other weirdos and I was fitting in
university and later years, super crippling shyness so half of the time I looked like I was retarded, and for several years skin problems that I am sure alienated me quite a lot of people
Other times I found groups or just one or two persons that would make me feel part of something, and I felt ok, normal, not hideous or anything.
The last years have been a rejection fest, so even if I stopped feeling flawed years and years ago, I am beginning to feel it again.
Let's say that I have some ideas about why these rejections happened (more along the line of not having enough in common or being in the same place in life), but this rationalisation doesn't really help me to feel less pain or to reduce the amount of rejection. Glad that you don't experience rejection anymore, by the way.

About not giving a honeysuckle: as Popeye said, I am what I am and just what I am
not much to do about that... Can't be anything else but what I am, whoever tries that usually fails pretty dramatically
If you find some ways to think that you are pretty cool, then you won't give a honeysuckle about rejections, as only pigs don't care for diamonds.

 

[Shimmer]

Thanks guys, I really liked your advice... very level headed and true. I never even thought some of the possible reasons you mentioned.

I am starting to feel like you mention at the end Peaches, "cool" in my own way, even if I am alone in the friend department at the moment, because I have hobbies that I enjoy and I have little quirks I guess, that I'm starting to appreciate! That won't appeal to everyone, but I can only be me and I won't change for anyone because aside from feeling lonely, I like me and my life, just the way it is now. Maybe the friends for me will come along in time.

 

[VanillaCreme]

Rejection is a part of life. We're not supposed to get everything we want, exactly when we want it.

 

[Tealeaf]

Rejection is a part of life... but in my case it's pretty much the story of it. Before I found some kind of spiritual solace I and one other person I know spent several years actively seeking answers and either turning away from or being turned away by every single community we could find. They once went to an offline meet-up in their state and things went sour fast. At one point they were openly mocked by the entire group and left because one of them was close to breaking down in tears.

Anyone suspicious of or uninterested in the commonly enjoyed activities, people, or beliefs generally proves to be a good companion. Making a point of talking to other people who were suspicious of or didn't like the "popular kids", agendas, or running themes in communities made me a couple of truly reliable friends--all online. They're very rare, but I have my eyes peeled for them now.

I had a disagreement with someone recently because apparently I discount casual friends simply because I can't be particularly close to or trusting of them. Who needs friends who might stab them in the back when it becomes beneficial just to have people to go out drinking with? I've had it happen (plus seen that same group later turn to committing vandalism on its own members), and have no desire to go through it again just so that I have people to accompany me in things I can do on my own. I'd rather not have my home broken into than have drinking buddies.

 

[TheSkaFish]

At first I was inclined to complain here about the rejections I've had, since I've faced a fair amount of rejection myself, as well as having been overlooked a lot too. But a friend on here once told me they wanted to see me being more positive on here, so that's what I'll do.

I faced a lot of rejection especially when I was a kid. But I don't feel flawed about it anymore and I don't let it impact me today. One reason is because when I look back and think about it, I realize that they were never denying me anything I actually wanted, so their rejections couldn't really hurt me. I didn't actually want their friendship, because we were interested in different things and probably wouldn't have had much to talk about or bond over. The other reason is because that childhood rejection isn't my story anymore and I choose a different story now. It's in the past and so long as the past doesn't carry over any consequences into today, the past isn't real. I'm just here, today. I have friends now. The people who rejected me in grade school and all those situations are long gone from my life. That was my circumstance then but it isn't me today.

Not only that, but what helps me is to remember that all throughout time people have beaten rejection. People have been rejected for jobs they got later. People have also been rejected for relationships they got later, even with the very same person who rejected them initially. Yes, that happens. There are stories about it all over the web. People have rejected the Beatles, Michael Jordan, and J.K. Rowling but that didn't prevent them from winning big, so it wasn't that there was something wrong with them. I don't know how true it is, but I heard that Angry Birds was that guy's 52nd attempt to create a successful product.

My point is, I get through by remembering that a rejection today doesn't necessarily mean a rejection later. It can be beaten, and you never know when you'll get your break. Past rejections aren't who I am today because I'm creating a new story.