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Night89

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Sex...is strange to me. I'm a 33 year old virgin. Been shy around women and people in general. When it comes to relationships i have a wall around me, this is because being hurt by rejection is something i dread, also afraid of judgement.

As a pragmatic solution to this i want to identify as a asexual. The thing is that i'm conformable with being single. My biology however is not intune with my decision in being a celibate. It's really frustrating when you don't want to have a sexual desire that your body want another thing. I've thought about this today and i don't know about my orientation. In a way i classify as asexual but i have a desire. I've also looked into non binary.

Let me explain, my philosopy when it comes to relationships is that i dont define as man, you could say i'm bi-curios, i have reflected on the subject. I also think that thought comes before biology.

This might sound messed but it's how i think. I'd like to have a relationship in regards to life friend not relationship as usual if you understand. What hinders me is the fear of being hurt and rejection, and the steel wall i put around myself.

Due to the fact that my biology is messing with me i've developed OCD in regards to sex, i cannot ignore the fact that i'm straight when i don't want to. I like women and with a sexual regard and my philosophy is in collision course with my desire.

Due to my OCD people have misunderstod me as a creep. Maybe it's because im in conflict whith my biology. This hurts me alot, it's like people think i'm a creep or worse when i'm not.

The thing is also that i have Autism and relationships don't come natural for me. I've heard a friend who also got autism tell me that his friends made him kiss a girl. I've never kiss a girl only huged. I'ts like im missing out. Hence i want to be asexual because then i know what role i play in regards to women and relationships.
 
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Sex...is strange to me. I'm a 33 year old virgin. Been shy around women and people in general. When it comes to relationships i have a wall around me, this is because being hurt by rejection is something i dread, also afraid of judgement.
OMG! I hate rejection and being judged!

As a pragmatic solution to this i want to identify as a asexual. The thing is that i'm conformable with being single. My biology however is not intune with my decision in being a celibate. It's really frustrating when you don't want to have a sexual desire that your body want another thing.
I understand what you are saying. I have figured that I'll be alone for the rest of my life and I'm find with that. But, occationally my body has other plans for me. It kind of like torture. But, after a couple days I'm back to normal.

Let me explain, my philosopy when it comes to relationships is that i dont define as man, you could say i'm bi-curios, i have reflected on the subject. I also think that thought comes before biology.

This might sound messed but it's how i think. I'd like to have a relationship in regards to life friend not relationship as usual if you understand. What hinders me is the fear of being hurt and rejection, and the steel wall i put around myself.

Due to the fact that my biology is messing with me i've developed OCD in regards to sex, i cannot ignore the fact that i'm straight when i don't want to. I like women and with a sexual regard and my philosophy is in collision course with my desire.

Due to my OCD people have misunderstod me as a creep. Maybe it's because im in conflict whith my biology. This hurts me alot, it's like people think i'm a creep or worse when i'm not.

The thing is also that i have Autism and relationships don't come natural for me. I've heard a friend who also got autism tell me that his friends made him kiss a girl. I've never kiss a girl only huged. I'ts like im missing out. Hence i want to be asexual because then i know what role i play in regards to women and relationships.
That sounds like a difficult situation that you are in. I can't relate to that part. But, I will say, IMO, if possible, explore whatever sexuality you think you might want to before you get old like me or even older. You might get lucky and find something / someone you really like. But, it will be VERY difficult to find exactly what you are looking for. I would suggest doing some trial relationships if possible. Don't seek perfect seek possible and don't be picky. Again, IMO, your mind is going to go crazy trying to figure out your sexuality when you have never had any sexual experience. You really just got to try out whatever you can SAFELY.
 

Night89

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Thanks for the reply. I have no aspirations in regards to finding "the perfect" relationship. It's just that im afraid to let someone into my life. It feels like the traditional women man relationship isn't for me. You have a point that i have to explore the life as a straight person in order to def figure what and who i am in regards to sex and relationship.

But it seams that it's not for me. Further i don't know how to find a girl to have a relationship with. I have this you might call it delusion that women do not want anything with me, perhaps due to my looks and OCD that they are scared. It really hurts me, i just want to have a life comrade relationship. There is a documentary on the subject, id like to have that. I do not have any aspirations in having "the perfect", I just want a girl or woman that i can have as a friend. In a way i have it regards to a woman that talk over the phone, we have never engaged in anything sexual, we are just friends and that's how id like it. Friends without benefits.
 

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