Releasing My Insecurities

[johnny196775Again]

baby steps

 

[Rainbows]

nvm, it wasn't directed at me.

 

[TheSkaFish]

Yeah dood. Submit to doing what you need to do to better yourself. Jobs and going back to college may help. And like you said, try developing more interests and hobbies.

Well, I still think the bachelor's degree I already have has got to be good for something at least average. But I do know that I need to develop more interests and hobbies. I look at the most successful guys I can think of (excluding the bad boys, of course) and see what they all have in common and how I can emulate it. They seem to all have a variety of hobbies, they seem well-read, and would be able to have a discussion on a wide range of intellectual topics. They believe in their ability to succeed.

The majority of guys in relationships aren't "brutes". It's such a limiting belief you seem to be holding to. But it's cool that you are starting to think of ways you can improve. I can tell your perspective is changing a little, which is going to end up leaving you a lot better off.

I don't think the majority of guys in relationships are brutes. However, I do believe that brutes have a competitive advantage and get to be the choosers because they are masculine and because they are the "in" crowd. They get to pick what girl they want to have a relationship with, and usually get her because of their flashy, rebellious, hyper-masculinity, and the high social status that goes with it. Meanwhile, non-brute guys tend to have a harder time getting the ones they want. This is another way I feel like I have no power, and completely against what I want to be. I want to be a chooser in life, I don't want to resign myself to being relegated by the bad boys, and I don't want to join them either. I want to prove my way can beat their way, that I can be interesting, exciting, and attractive while being sweet and friendly and without being a crude, regressive thug whose whole life revolves around being "tough" and "cool". If that takes work I would be willing to do it, if I thought I could win. But that's the problem. On the one hand, I really want to be better, I really want to be a more interesting, capable version of myself. But if I can't get what I want even if I do improve, then it seems like it's not worth it. Self-improvement is my only hope but that hope is so small.

My perspective is indeed changing a little bit. I am aware that what I've been doing hasn't been working, and that in order to have any chance at the skills I want and the girls I like I need to do something differently, I need to do what works. I know my angry thoughts are a dead end because I can't act on them, and even if I could it wouldn't get me what I want. And when my head is full of anger I can't think clearly, but that's the only way I can figure out what I need to be doing instead. Like I can't change the nature of capitalism, I know I can't change what women generally look for in men, and how they don't like guys who complain about something but don't do anything about it. I know I won't get better or attract the women I want by saying that everything is too hard for me and all the reasons why I dislike the "cool" "alpha males". I am aware that those topics don't make me look good and aren't interesting, exciting, or fun, which appears to be what girls are looking for. It's what I'm looking for too. I try to reverse-engineer it, and figure out what I like about the girls I like, why I think they're special and see how I can integrate some of those traits into "myself", while putting my own spin on them. I'm trying to increase my appeal by doing the hobbies I want to do anyway.

I just don't know though. The odds against me were long to begin with, and because of my low self-image and lack of skill, I made mistakes which made things that much worse. That's why I'm so mad, cause I was unknowingly conditioning myself for failure. If I'd grown up feeling like I was capable and a cool person, then maybe I'd have had success.

 

[SofiasMami]

You have a go to excuse for everything it seems. And the excuses don't even line up with each other. You contradict yourself multiple times just in that one single reply post to rainbows.

You don't feel like an empowered actor because you don't do anything. Those feelings of empowerment don't manifest out of thin air. You have to "work hard" and start doing things. Doesn't have to be the job. Make small goals and work at them and accomplish them. It will snowball from there.

If you end up a loser for life it will only be because you refuse to stop thinking and acting like one. It has nothing to do with skills and abilities or "intellect". It is your attitude and mindset that makes you a loser.

Thank you.

I must have missed something - I thought kamya was addressing the OP.


Ska, I think you're caught in your own head, if that makes sense. You mentioned you have a bachelor's degree but you're not where you want to be in life yet. I'm guessing you graduated during the Great Recession - is that correct? If so, there are plenty of adults in your same situation. So what to do about it?
Start from where you are now and build on that. What do you do with your days now? When is the last time you did something for the first time? Do you have something to get up for every day?
It's much easier to leave the past behind when you have something to look forward to.
Really, I think the answers you're looking for lie within you.

-Teresa

 

[Paraiyar]

I don't think the majority of guys in relationships are brutes. However, I do believe that brutes have a competitive advantage and get to be the choosers because they are masculine and because they are the "in" crowd. They get to pick what girl they want to have a relationship with, and usually get her because of their flashy, rebellious, hyper-masculinity, and the high social status that goes with it. Meanwhile, non-brute guys tend to have a harder time getting the ones they want. This is another way I feel like I have no power, and completely against what I want to be. I want to be a chooser in life, I don't want to resign myself to being relegated by the bad boys, and I don't want to join them either. I want to prove my way can beat their way, that I can be interesting, exciting, and attractive while being sweet and friendly and without being a crude, regressive thug whose whole life revolves around being "tough" and "cool". If that takes work I would be willing to do it, if I thought I could win. But that's the problem. On the one hand, I really want to be better, I really want to be a more interesting, capable version of myself. But if I can't get what I want even if I do improve, then it seems like it's not worth it. Self-improvement is my only hope but that hope is so small.

I'm interested as to how you know with such certainty that these guys are all 'brutes'?

The guy I know who seems to do the best with women out of pretty much everyone I know, isn't a 'brute' at all, he's actually a super friendly guy with a good attitude and girls always seem to love him. It probably does help his case that he's very good looking but I think most of his success comes from his social skills. The other friend of mine who's good with girls is a lieutenant in the NZ army and I get the feeling he'd meet your definition of a 'brute' if you looked at him but he's actually a great guy as well when it comes down to it.

I just think your narrative here is a bit warped is all.

 

[Rainbows]

What's your bachelor's degree in?

For me, I just hope you'd stop looking at the world with brute guys and non-brute guys. The world doesn't work that way.

 

[VanillaCreme]

For me, I just hope you'd stop looking at the world with brute guys and non-brute guys. The world doesn't work that way.

That's exactly what I was thinking. Of course, I can't say anything or else I'm a harsh *****. So I'm glad someone said this.

 

[Rainbows]

For me, I just hope you'd stop looking at the world with brute guys and non-brute guys. The world doesn't work that way.

That's exactly what I was thinking. Of course, I can't say anything or else I'm a harsh *****. So I'm glad someone said this.

I think I've said it a few times before, though. His vision is completely messed up and you're (ska) just too focussed on this one thought that bad guys the the girls. Not everyone is a bad guy, and what is a bad guy? Okay sure few of my friends go out of party and drink - they're very social - they have lots of friends and sure they have a lot of interested girls - but they're not BAD. That same guy is the one who will always listen to me complain about my life.
Also, if you don't want to be "a bad guy", then don't. I'm just so tired of reading the same thing everytime. If people are BAD they get arrested or kicked out of society and usually do evil things that people don't approve off!!!

ok im done now hah

 

[reynard_muldrake]

Also, if you don't want to be "a bad guy", then don't. I'm just so tired of reading the same thing everytime. If people are BAD they get arrested or kicked out of society and usually do evil things that people don't approve off!!

Well if you know what he's going to say, then why bother frustrating yourself? Also, people who do bad things aren't always punished or ostracized. It's gotten to the point where I'm surprised when someone receives punishment for their misdoings. I wish criminals always got what they deserved, but unfortunately that just isn't the case.

 

[Paraiyar]

Ska, I think you should go to a gym and get a personal trainer. I'm training with my friend who is one and it's making me more confident and also improving my posture a lot. Two things that would help you a lot with the opposite sex.

 

[Xpendable]

No gym. Confidence doesn't come from physical appearance.

 

[reynard_muldrake]

No gym. Confidence doesn't come from physical appearance.

Not everyone works out solely to keep up their appearance. It's been proven that exercise can aid in boosting a person's confidence. Yeah, going to the gym shouldn't be the lone source of confidence, but I wouldn't rule it out either. Or just look up workout videos/routines. Much cheaper than a gym haha. All this, of course, is entirely up to Ska.

 

[TheRealCallie]

No gym. Confidence doesn't come from physical appearance.

Not everyone works out solely to keep up their appearance. It's been proven that exercise can aid in boosting a person's confidence. Yeah, going to the gym shouldn't be the lone source of confidence, but I wouldn't rule it out either.

Yeah, I gotta agree with this. Working out CAN make you gain confidence, not just in your physical appearance, but also in your mind because you are working hard at something, you are accomplishing something. Accomplishing anything, no matter how small will give you confidence. Working out just has other benefits, as well.

 

[Xpendable]

Need citations.

 

[reynard_muldrake]

Need citations.

http://lmgtfy.com/?q=exercise+boosts+confidence

 

[TheRealCallie]

lol

 

[TheSkaFish]

Moving away from the employment issues... Ska, you mentioned a desire to write fiction before. Would you be willing to consider glancing at some creative writing manuals or how-tos? Maybe take some kind of class if the ability presents itself?

Thanks for trying to steer things back on course. This is true, I have had a desire to write fiction. I would definitely like to look at creative writing manuals, and I actually took an elective course on creative writing back in 2010. I definitely enjoyed that course and wouldn't mind taking another if I had the time and money. Of all the things I want to do, I'd say that writing is the one I'm confident in the most, because I've gotten good feedback from others about my writing, both in school and from my friends.

However, I still think that before I can create good fiction, I need to read more. I've heard that the best writers also read a lot. I think I need more influences and more understanding of how to craft a story before I'm ready to do anything major. But because of the job search I've been unable to relax enough to get into the creative mood, and because of how I've messed up in dating and how small my chance of success is now, I've felt too unhappy to create. Some days I can put it aside long enough to get into the mood, I try to. It's getting easier to compartmentalize my feelings. That's why I like the roleplaying games with my friends. I have to have story material ready for when we play, so it makes me do creative things.

Hey Ska.

You do whatever you feel you need to do. Never allow anyone to project their own insecurities onto you.

x2

Thanks guys, I appreciate it

 

[VanillaCreme]

No gym. Confidence doesn't come from physical appearance.

Not everyone works out solely to keep up their appearance. It's been proven that exercise can aid in boosting a person's confidence. Yeah, going to the gym shouldn't be the lone source of confidence, but I wouldn't rule it out either. Or just look up workout videos/routines. Much cheaper than a gym haha. All this, of course, is entirely up to Ska.

Definitely. I think I'd feel much better if I worked out. Not just about body image, but the simple fact that I know I'd be doing something - anything - is worth my time.

 

[Paraiyar]

No gym. Confidence doesn't come from physical appearance.

Spoken like someone who's never been.

 

[TheSkaFish]

Ska, I think you're caught in your own head, if that makes sense. You mentioned you have a bachelor's degree but you're not where you want to be in life yet. I'm guessing you graduated during the Great Recession - is that correct? If so, there are plenty of adults in your same situation. So what to do about it?
Start from where you are now and build on that. What do you do with your days now? When is the last time you did something for the first time? Do you have something to get up for every day?
It's much easier to leave the past behind when you have something to look forward to.

I do feel like I'm caught in my head. Most days my mind is a mess. I graduated in 2011 (I should have graduated in 2008 but I switched schools and majors) so that was pretty near to the recession.

I took a side track because I wasn't really happy in the business environment, I didn't want to be like the other people in it, and I wanted to see if I could do something more creative. I tried a couple of different things. But I wasn't crazy about those either, or I didn't yet have the skill.

I think a lot of the problem comes from me not knowing what I wanted to be, before, because I didn't think I had options. I never made a plan for my life because I didn't think I really had much choice, be it careers, skills, dating, or anything else. I thought I had to just take what life was willing to give, because of natural limits. I perceived myself as very limited, but I wanted more than these limits. I thought that all I could hope to be was comfortable, and for a long time I was okay with that but I got unhappier when I realized I wanted more. I have this book out from the library called "Mindset" and I was shocked how perfectly it described my childhood and adolescent beliefs:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mindset#Fixed_mindset_and_growth_mindset

The fixed mindset is what I had. It almost describes my feelings word for word.

For now, I've been applying to entry level business jobs, both full-time and temporary. Although I am still not a huge fan of the business world and my real desire is still to grow my creative side past the hobbyist level, I figure that a business job would be my best chance since I have the degree, and I wouldn't have to worry about finding a job anymore.

As for what I do with my days, beyond job searching, I mostly look up articles trying to figure out what I need to do to be attractive. And a lot of mindlessly surfing the net, feeling gloomy. This is how the fixed mindset and low self-image from childhood are still messing me up, because I feel like if I'd had a job, actually been doing the things I wanted to do instead of just talking about them because I felt I couldn't, and had a high self-image instead of thinking I probably won't be good enough, I feel like I might have stood a real chance of success in dating the ones I wanted. But instead, I made the impression that I was a basket case cause of all my fears and doubts from years of seeing myself as a limited, low-status person. I thought I'd fail, because I didn't know what to do. And I made stupid mistakes because I just didn't know any better.

I have a hard time getting out of bed in the morning because of that, but I have to because I'm on a fixed schedule. I have to wake up and go to bed at certain times.

Really, I think the answers you're looking for lie within you.

-Teresa

Deep down I feel I know this too, I mean, they have to be. I should have done this soul-searching before, instead of feeling like I was too limited for it to be worth it.

Getting back to the general gist of the thread instead of one particular area, I've seen myself as low-status and limited for so long that I don't know what it is like to see myself as something else and when I do it feels like an act. That's probably my biggest obstacle.