Releasing My Insecurities

[TheSkaFish]

I'm interested as to how you know with such certainty that these guys are all 'brutes'?

Because they do brutish things, have brutish values, and live up to the stereotypes. I'm talking about guys who cultivate their whole identity around being rebellious and dangerous, how much they drink, smoke, and do other drugs like they are too cool to care about their health, how much they love violence and pain, how much the break the law or have a record, or how they prance around like kings of the world. I think they're backwards and I don't want to submit to people like that.

The guy I know who seems to do the best with women out of pretty much everyone I know, isn't a 'brute' at all, he's actually a super friendly guy with a good attitude and girls always seem to love him. It probably does help his case that he's very good looking but I think most of his success comes from his social skills. The other friend of mine who's good with girls is a lieutenant in the NZ army and I get the feeling he'd meet your definition of a 'brute' if you looked at him but he's actually a great guy as well when it comes down to it.

The first guy sounds like the kind of guy I was thinking I should look to emulate. He sounds like the successful guys that I know of. I know I won't become a brute so it's probably my best shot.

The second guy would fit my definition if he looks and acts like a motorcycle gangster.

I just think your narrative here is a bit warped is all.

It's okay. I'm not offended. But my narrative has been shaped by my experiences. I know it is not correct to be as angry as I am. I feel like I have a reserve of anger that's been compounding over the years, I've never been able to get rid of it. I won't be happy under the brutes' dominance though. I feel like my anger would decrease if I started getting what I wanted instead of feeling like I was muscled into settling by someone else.

 

[TheSkaFish]

What's your bachelor's degree in?

Business Administration. It's a common degree but consistently ranked as one of the most employable. It isn't STEM, but it's got to be good for more than a high school diploma.

I think I've said it a few times before, though. His vision is completely messed up and you're (ska) just too focussed on this one thought that bad guys the the girls. Not everyone is a bad guy, and what is a bad guy? Okay sure few of my friends go out of party and drink - they're very social - they have lots of friends and sure they have a lot of interested girls - but they're not BAD. That same guy is the one who will always listen to me complain about my life.
Also, if you don't want to be "a bad guy", then don't. I'm just so tired of reading the same thing everytime. If people are BAD they get arrested or kicked out of society and usually do evil things that people don't approve off!!!

I never said everyone is a bad guy. I'm saying the bad guys are the bad guys. It's not just drinking and partying, if that were the case, I'd be a bad guy as well. I'm not. As I said, a bad boy is a guy who makes his whole identity around being defiant, who is violent or at least wants to look like it, thinks they are the king of the world and brags about how much they get intoxicated, how much they break the rules, and how "tough"/"hardcore" they are.

And no, they don't always get arrested or kicked out of society, and even when they do, even if they do bad things that people don't approve of, it only helps them because people just think they are that much "cooler" and "edgy" for it.

---

Also, people who do bad things aren't always punished or ostracized. It's gotten to the point where I'm surprised when someone receives punishment for their misdoings. I wish criminals always got what they deserved, but unfortunately that just isn't the case.

This ^. I find that people who do mean, shallow, or just plain stupid things in the name of rebellion and dominance are not only not punished, but glorified for it. I'm not a suck-up, I believe in individuality, and I'm sorry I complain so much but I can't stand it because think macho posturing and dominance games are backwards, things people should know better than to do. I believe in a friendlier world.

 

[TheSkaFish]

Ska, I think you should go to a gym and get a personal trainer. I'm training with my friend who is one and it's making me more confident and also improving my posture a lot. Two things that would help you a lot with the opposite sex.

Not everyone works out solely to keep up their appearance. It's been proven that exercise can aid in boosting a person's confidence. Yeah, going to the gym shouldn't be the lone source of confidence, but I wouldn't rule it out either. Or just look up workout videos/routines. Much cheaper than a gym haha. All this, of course, is entirely up to Ska.

Well, I know I feel better after I walk or bike ride and I try to do it as often as possible. I don't lift weights but only because I don't have any. I would like to get back into that again. I don't know what plan to follow though, but I feel like I'd gain more confidence from functional strength instead of muscle mass alone, because that was one of the things that caused my low confidence growing up - I didn't express or assert myself because I didn't think I could defend myself in fights. My posture used to be bad, but it's something I have become more conscious of.

 

[AmytheTemperamental]

When was the last time you spontaneously jumped into something without thinking about it to death?

 

[Paraiyar]

When was the last time you spontaneously jumped into something without thinking about it to death?

Quite possibly the best post on this thread.

 

[TheSkaFish]

When was the last time you spontaneously jumped into something without thinking about it to death?

I don't know, but that way hasn't worked for me. I have to plan things carefully so I don't repeat past mistakes.

---

I'm sorry for all the fighting on this thread but I do feel like I've learned something about myself from it. I've found the roots of my insecurities. I'm over the bullying and I don't feel like I'm defective anymore, or that there's anything wrong with my interests, or that I'm too "nerdy". I don't think I'm weird or ugly anymore either.

I do admit that having more muscle would make me feel better about myself though because I've always wanted to be stronger and more muscular, not a body builder, but more than I have now. I know I was insecure about being un-athletic and thin. But I know what I need to do to solve that one.

I'm still a little insecure about money, jobs, and prestige, I still am unsure of my ability to make money and still want to achieve at least some base level of those things. I know that the root of the problem is not doing career research when I was younger, because I believed I had limited potential.

The creative things....I feel a little better about. I know I feel good when I do them, even if I'm still a beginner. If talent can be learned, then it's okay. If not, it doesn't diminish my desire to do these things. Maybe I can push through somehow.

I'm at least starting to question the idea of being a low-status person, like, I'm starting to feel like there must be something I can do to change it somewhat. I'm still a little iffy when it comes to expressing my sexual desires in a way that is assertive, fun, but not low-brow or creepy. I know I'm not super confident with girls yet, but that I know I'd feel more so if I looked better, had some money, and most importantly knew I had enough to talk about. I'm very afraid of being boring, but at least that identifies what I need to work on - interests/hobbies.

I just wish I could make these feelings stick, that I CAN do something about it. I feel this way now, but I know from past experience that it doesn't take much for things to go the other way. And I just wish I'd deconstructed these old feelings sooner.

 

[AnonymousMe]

When was the last time you spontaneously jumped into something without thinking about it to death?

Quite possibly the best post on this thread.

It can get you into trouble if you're not careful about it though.

 

[AmytheTemperamental]

Anything has the potential to get someone into trouble. But if you see a way in, wouldn't it be better to step forward at least part way, without sitting back and thinking it will be no good for you.

You are inevitably repeating past mistakes by not taking that step forward.

 

[TheRealCallie]

If you're insecure about making money, get a job. Who the hell cares what kind of job it is, you only have to keep it until you find something more suitable to what you want to do. Stop thinking you are entitled to more just because you have a degree. MILLIONS of people have degrees and can't get jobs in the field of their degrees. Honestly, and I'm not trying to be mean here, you're being unrealistic about the whole thing. You won't ever get a job like you want if you don't have a decent resume with SOME type of job experience.


Join a gym or get weights and work out. Get a job and make money to gain financial independence and get your foot in the door. Join a group or club for your artistic endeavors. And, as Amy said, stop thinking things to death.

 

[TheSkaFish]

If you're insecure about making money, get a job. Who the hell cares what kind of job it is, you only have to keep it until you find something more suitable to what you want to do.

I care about what kind of job it is because I have to be able to look myself in the mirror. I have to be able to have self-respect, pride and dignity. I also care because like it or not, the job you have greatly influences if you are respected or not. And I have to be able to have something that teaches transferable skills.

It does matter what kind of job I get, because it's the difference between breaking free of my old story, and not.

Stop thinking you are entitled to more just because you have a degree. MILLIONS of people have degrees and can't get jobs in the field of their degrees. Honestly, and I'm not trying to be mean here, you're being unrealistic about the whole thing. You won't ever get a job like you want if you don't have a decent resume with SOME type of job experience.

I really don't see how I'm being unrealistic and don't see how I don't deserve more than someone who hasn't done as much as I have, just as I don't deserve what someone whose done more than me has. I don't have the most, but I have more than nothing. Lots of people went from graduating to an entry-level professional job right away. At the very least, I should be qualified for SOMETHING beyond what I could get if I didn't even have a high school diploma, even if I'm only qualified to be an office clerk. Otherwise, it was a waste of time.

And, as Amy said, stop thinking things to death.

As I said, it's been my experience that if I don't think enough, I fail hard. It's true that if I think too much, I don't take action, but if I don't think enough, I make mistakes because I don't have the experience to avoid them. And some of those mistakes determine how much I can get. Make the wrong mistakes and the ceiling gets lower. I get that nothing ventured nothing gained, and if I don't try I lose anyway. But it's hard to do that when the stakes are high and I don't have the confidence that comes from experience.

 

[TheRealCallie]

I care about what kind of job it is because I have to be able to look myself in the mirror. I have to be able to have self-respect, pride and dignity. I also care because like it or not, the job you have greatly influences if you are respected or not. And I have to be able to have something that teaches transferable skills.

It does matter what kind of job I get, because it's the difference between breaking free of my old story, and not.

That's exactly where you are mistaken. Can you look yourself in the mirror right now by NOT having a job? By still living with your parents? You have to start somewhere and it's likely not going to be where you want to be. I'm not sure how you haven't realized this yet. You can't get a job like you want if you don't have a **** thing to put on your resume. You have nothing, so how do you expect to get your entitled job?

I really don't see how I'm being unrealistic and don't see how I don't deserve more than someone who hasn't done as much as I have, just as I don't deserve what someone whose done more than me has. I don't have the most, but I have more than nothing. Lots of people went from graduating to an entry-level professional job right away. At the very least, I should be qualified for SOMETHING beyond what I could get if I didn't even have a high school diploma, even if I'm only qualified to be an office clerk. Otherwise, it was a waste of time.

So, you deserve more than me, do you...simply because I don't have an extra piece of paper saying I read some books?
I have two jobs to take care of myself and my kids. I have two jobs to be able to pay for my mortgage and everything I have. You'd be surprised to know just how much of an impact my two jobs have on things you do every single day. I didn't need a **** degree to do what I do and while some people may not think it's a "real" job, it pays the bills and I make a good chunk of money from what I do. I'm finally **** near able to say that I am completely independent in the financial area and that says something, that IS worth a whole hell of a lot in the grand scheme of things.
Do I want to go to college? Of course I do, but I wouldn't expect to get any job I wanted in the field I would go into with no experience to show for it.

My ex makes up to $50/hour right now and he never went to college. He was technically a high school dropout making $20 an hour.

I'm sorry, but you don't deserve more than me or more than him or more than anyone else. That right there PROVES that you think you are entitled and as long as you keep thinking that way, you will likely never get what you want. So how old do you have to be before you realize "Hey, I'm blah blah years old and still live with my parents paying nothing for myself...maybe I should rethink what I'm doing"?

Lots of people do a lot of things, so what? Those lots of people clearly didn't include you, so it's time to wake up and start living in the real world.

As I said, it's been my experience that if I don't think enough, I fail hard. It's true that if I think too much, I don't take action, but if I don't think enough, I make mistakes because I don't have the experience to avoid them. And some of those mistakes determine how much I can get. Make the wrong mistakes and the ceiling gets lower. I get that nothing ventured nothing gained, and if I don't try I lose anyway. But it's hard to do that when the stakes are high and I don't have the confidence that comes from experience.

All I hear here is excuses. Ways to stop you from doing what needs to be done. Stop thinking and DO.

 

[SofiasMami]

I just noticed there are 130 replies to this thread - that must be some kind of record, at least considering how slow the forum has been lately lol.

I applaud your openness on the forum with your inner thoughts. Most of us here on the forum, unfortunately, prefer to keep things about as deep as the shallow end of a kid's pool and that is a shame. It might be easy pile onto someone who's showing vulnerability and come up with snap answers and trite solutions but I have a feeling that is not going to be helpful for you. Although I agree with most of the commenters here who are showing a sincere interest in you as a person.

"For every complex problem, there is an answer that is clear, simple and wrong" - HL Mencken

-Teresa

 

[Xpendable]

I identify with the self-respect thing. I don't have a degree but a job can hurt your self-esteem. I still remember picking dog honeysuckle from the ground while being a janitor on a condo. I often had conversations with the people there and they would be surprised with my vocabulary and how I knew about many topics and could share valuable opinions. Looking back, all my jobs have been working class jobs with 0 gratification and with little demand for intelligence. So people assume I'm some uneducated guy. I've been samrter than my bosses and exploited for my devotion to do a good job. I didn't have promotions or rises for that, no one is going to pay you more for being really good at cutting grass or washing dishes, and no one is going to think you deserve a better job only because you're smarter than the job you're currently doing. Did I applied for more comfortable jobs? Yes. But I wasn't some nephew or some friend or have some kind of "deal" so those jobs are for other people. Sometimes I would go to interviews when the people had been already selected and I could tell. I did my best to make a good impression but for them is all about "gut feelings" or appearance. I didn't have "good presense" to work on sales. Meaning I wasn't handsome enough. I was "too old" to do some jobs. Meaning they wanted someone younger to exploit them more. At the end I took what I could find. Now I'm 28 and I pick shopping carts at a supermarket and put them back in their place. I do it for 8 straight hours with out stop. So Ska, keep looking; you're in a better posotion than me. You're younger, have a degree and live in a more developed country. The people who scold you probably never had a shitty job and think al your effort and studies makes you entitled, but I get you. I've seen how people ignore me or think less of me for being a working class, even when I could do much more complex job if given the chance. But they don't care, in their mind everyone has the job they deserve. You are more than conforming with the minimum.

 

[Paraiyar]

I've had working class jobs. I also have a degree. I'd work in a Supermarket job again if I had to, but I've managed to do otherwise. What people have been pointing out is that working a minimum wage job is better as a means for getting started than the current situation which Ska is obviously not happy with.

 

[Xpendable]

Is not always a gateway to getting started.

 

[Paraiyar]

And being unemployed is?

 

[Xpendable]

He's looking.

 

[Paraiyar]

He's looking.

No one is suggesting that he stop looking for a better job, just that get something easier to obtain in the meantime.

 

[TheSkaFish]

Can you look yourself in the mirror right now by NOT having a job?

Yes, because it could change.

By still living with your parents?

Yes, because I live at home for other reasons besides the financial reason. That is one reason, but it's also that even if I had a job I don't have anyone to ask for a roommate, and also, I like it. I get along reasonably well with my family. The location is good. My friends that still live in the state are close-ish.

You have to start somewhere and it's likely not going to be where you want to be.

Okay, I never contested this.

I'm not sure how you haven't realized this yet.

I have. I understand that I am not going to get something great right away. But that doesn't mean I can only get something terrible either. There are not just two jobs in the world, CEOs and people who work at fast food restaurants. There's a spectrum. I imagine I'm somewhere in the middle, probably on the lower end, sure. But not at the very bottom, not where I was before I even finished high school. That would suggest I've gone backwards, like I am somehow less capable than I was before.

You can't get a job like you want if you don't have a **** thing to put on your resume.

I have things to put on my resume, not a lot of things, but some things nonetheless.

You have nothing,

Wrong, I have a college degree. And a separate certificate, while we're at it.

so how do you expect to get your entitled job?

The same way everyone else did. They worked bad jobs before they had their degree, graduated, and got something better.

So, you deserve more than me, do you...simply because I don't have an extra piece of paper saying I read some books?

It is a lot more than "an extra piece of paper saying you read some books". I never said I deserved more than you, but I would say that I would deserve more than someone comparable to me without a degree. There are lots of jobs that won't even consider you without one, regardless of your experience.

I have two jobs to take care of myself and my kids. I have two jobs to be able to pay for my mortgage and everything I have. You'd be surprised to know just how much of an impact my two jobs have on things you do every single day. I didn't need a **** degree to do what I do and while some people may not think it's a "real" job, it pays the bills and I make a good chunk of money from what I do. I'm finally **** near able to say that I am completely independent in the financial area and that says something, that IS worth a whole hell of a lot in the grand scheme of things.

What do you do then?

Do I want to go to college? Of course I do, but I wouldn't expect to get any job I wanted in the field I would go into with no experience to show for it.

If it's just "an extra piece of paper saying you read some books" why go?

My ex makes up to $50/hour right now and he never went to college. He was technically a high school dropout making $20 an hour.

Doing what?

I'm sorry, but you don't deserve more than me or more than him or more than anyone else. That right there PROVES that you think you are entitled and as long as you keep thinking that way, you will likely never get what you want. So how old do you have to be before you realize "Hey, I'm blah blah years old and still live with my parents paying nothing for myself...maybe I should rethink what I'm doing"?

I was told all my life that there is a difference between having a degree and not, and that was why it was so important to get one. And I believe it is true. This isn't, and has never been to say I believe in some kind of caste system like Victorian times. I'm saying, there was a reason to get a degree, it has some kind of value, it gives you some kind of an advantage otherwise it's a waste of time. The idea was that getting a degree would enable me, or anyone who gets one, the ability to get a better job than you could have before.

 

[TheSkaFish]

I identify with the self-respect thing. I don't have a degree but a job can hurt your self-esteem....

I often had conversations with the people there and they would be surprised with my vocabulary and how I knew about many topics and could share valuable opinions. Looking back, all my jobs have been working class jobs with 0 gratification and with little demand for intelligence.

I feel the same way. Those jobs mess with your self-esteem. They are so slavish. You think, if I am here it must be because there is something wrong with me. I also had a different vocabulary and was into different topics than most people in those positions. It makes you feel like you're going backwards.

I didn't have promotions or rises for that, no one is going to pay you more for being really good at cutting grass or washing dishes, and no one is going to think you deserve a better job only because you're smarter than the job you're currently doing.

That's one big reason I want to do something else, because I worry about getting stuck in these sort of positions. There's nothing really to promote you to. You don't become smarter than the job you're doing because you don't get to learn any new skills that could make you more valuable - because there is nothing to learn. You just don't grow as a person. That's why they are called "dead-end jobs".

So Ska, keep looking; you're in a better position than me. You're younger, have a degree and live in a more developed country. The people who scold you probably never had a shitty job and think all your effort and studies makes you entitled, but I get you. I've seen how people ignore me or think less of me for being a working class, even when I could do much more complex job if given the chance. But they don't care, in their mind everyone has the job they deserve. You are more than conforming with the minimum.

Thanks for feeling like there's a point for me to keep looking. I'm actually a little older than you though.

I feel like the people who scold me are saying they think I need to just know my place and give up on my dreams of getting the kinds of things the winners get and resign myself to defeat, because to keep dreaming and wanting is foolish wishful thinking, that those things are for someone above my station. It's the same in this country - if you're in those kinds of jobs you don't get respected, and if you're in them past college age, you are treated like there is something wrong with you, like you are lacking in brainpower that you fried your brain with drugs. You get looked at like you're a hopeless case.

I wish you luck in getting out of your situation as well. What do you think you can do to get out? Is there something you want to study? You seem articulate and like you have well thought-out ideas.