Reluctance or inability to let go of negative feelings?

[Siertes]

Like most of you I've been a long time sufferer of a plethora of negative feelings. Loneliness, depression, suicidal thoughts, etc etc. They've gone on for so many years that it feels more natural to think darkly than any other way. Even when my days aren't especially bad, I still think of them as such because...well that's what days are right? Days are bad. That's how my mind works. Even when good things happen or I just have fun doing the few things I enjoy, at most it turns things "ok" and even then it's a struggle to say that much! I've noticed this in myself lately and have even seen it in other sufferers as well. They experience things that should make them happy, happenings that run counter to how they've been feeling and seemingly fulfill their desires, but it's as if they can't acknowledge it. I want to slap them and say "What more could you ask for?!"

Now I could sweep this issue under the rug labeled "Depression" and say because of that, I can't and others can't accept the good things in life, but part of me feels like a part of it is a reluctance to let go of feeling bad. Yes, I know it sounds kind of crazy and it's a tad embarrassing even admitting that this could be a possibility within myself, but I feel I need to open my mind to possibilities beyond the typical stuff that we hide behind and accept that in the end, I might be a bit of a coward.

Feeling bad, sad, and all "woe is me" feels just as those words describe but on the other hand those feelings kind of surround me in a strange blanket that in some sick way is comforting. "It's a fact that I'm sad because of this, this, and that." I'm warmed by the fact that there a things that my mind can count on to be true despite the emotional toll they inevitably take upon me. Women will never like me, and while that makes me miserable, if I'm ever attracted to someone I will know for a fact that she can't be attracted to me by any means and that is a rule that can't be broken. In this chaotic world there are things I can count on to always be true. These horrible feelings caused by unfortunate truths. This is just one example of one possibility.

On a more basic level it could just be a feast of attention. We all know people do it. Cry to the world so they can keep eyes on them, get their pats on the back, and get their temporary self esteem boost because they were worthy of attention. What can I say to that? Attention feels good, and for those of us generally ignored throughout our lives, especially so. I would like to say that if I was found worthy of love by another that I wouldn't remain in this pit, drowning on such selfishness despite such a wonderful happening, but I won't know that till it happens.

ANYWAY enough of my wall of text, what do you guys think? Have you guys struggled with similar questions about yourself or know others who may support or refute the notion entirely? It's ok to be honest. None of us are saints, especially those pretending to be

 

[Veruca]

Hey Siertes,

I definitely can relate to your post. But I must say I was more like this before and less now. The funny thing is, nothing really changed in my life drastically for me to feel more positively about, in fact, things got a bit worse, but the irony is that I realized nothing would ever be miraculously different, so I decided that if I had to spend the rest of my life going through the same thing, I might as well spend the coming years feeling mostly good.

It took a lot of work, still does, but I made a lot of small changes and that has helped. Eventually, because this veil of negativity and pessimism lifted slowly, I started to notice the good things in my life, and while they may not be enough to negate the bad, its helped me feel a little bit better.

Won't lie though, every now and then I lose it...but I like to call them "episodes" and tell myself that its okay to break down sometimes as opposed to feeling depressed for years.

Don't know if this helps, but I guess what I'm saying (so ineloquently ) is that taking baby steps is the way to go sometimes.

 

[daughter of the moon]

In a funny way you get used to it. I'm not sure why that is. It's probably like you said, and you accept it as your designated mental state. I thought Veruca's response was very smart! A lot of it is just making a conscious decision: Do I see the positive in my life, or do I keep wallowing in this familiar misery? After all, familiarity is good, no?

For me it used to be like this for a long time:
When I really fell in love for the first time, after a while it was like, whenever I got really happy and giddy, something really bad happened and broke my heart. Again and again, over the course of two years. It was a sure thing: If I was happy for a change, life would slap me in the face again. So after a while I didn't allow myself to feel happy anymore. Not for many, many years to come. I was too afraid that if I dared to feel content in my life, something bad would happen again, and so I decided to remain sad and miserable. I am almost completely over that now. I see the good things in my life, thought not every day, and the past month has been especially hard, but overall I'm doing well. There's only one thing I notice about myself: I can't express joy. Like if someone gives me a gift that I like a lot, or does something really nice, I simply don't know how to express it. I know HOW I should react and I do, semi-faking happiness, but it's like the actual emotion isn't reaching my heart. It's really weird, I don't know how to express it better.

 

[Solivagant]

I can't express joy. Like if someone gives me a gift that I like a lot, or does something really nice, I simply don't know how to express it. I know HOW I should react and I do, semi-faking happiness, but it's like the actual emotion isn't reaching my heart. It's really weird, I don't know how to express it better.

That's actually the same for me too. I've tried to explain it to people but they don't really seem to understand it, and I don't really know how to explain it that well either. But one of my greatest desires is to feel joy someday.

 

[Siertes]

Great responses everyone

I know exactly what you mean about emotions daughter of the moon. It's like when something good happens, the emotions get stopped on the way to being felt. They're examined and your mind discusses whether it's worth feeling them or not. "Should we bother feeling good? It's just going to end anyway. Send a fake smile!"

I feel like this in a lot of emotions, especially anger. It feels like it's getting stored away in some little pocket of me before it makes it's way to being expressed when it should be. All the strongest emotions are being hidden away and turning us into confusing messes.

 

[daughter of the moon]

The thing about not feeling or being able to express joy, it seems to work only in unexpected moments. In other moments, when there's someone watching me who I know expects a certain joyful reaction on my end, it's like (as Siertes said) it gets stopped on the way. Like when the HR lady calls you in to tell you that you got the job - obviously she expects you to at least grin really big and go all woohoo!, but I can't. I have to fake it. And I'm not good at faking stuff, that's why I could never be an actress. lol

 

[consmap]

I can relate to the previous posts talking about not being able to react to anything positive happening to me. Whenever something good happens, yeah I feel happy, but not that much. I'm stuck with thinking that in the grand scheme of things that good thing doesn't really matter. I wish I could transfer that to negative feelings instead. Unfortunately they kind of just linger there.

 

[daughter of the moon]

So, Siertes.... What's your plan though? Do you want to try to break through your own negativity shield and appreciate the good things in your life; or do you want to maintain the status quo?
You know that either way I'm here to help you, as always
*hug*

 

[Siertes]

So, Siertes.... What's your plan though? Do you want to try to break through your own negativity shield and appreciate the good things in your life; or do you want to maintain the status quo?
You know that either way I'm here to help you, as always
*hug*

It's weird but I want to WANT TO try to help myself but right now I seriously lack the drive to do anything significant about it. It's hard to break out of this lethargic state I've been in for most of my adult life.

I know you'll be there whenever I need it though

 

[Triple Bogey]

There was a day and a moment when I said to myself 'enough is enough' - I was 31 and I was so sick of feeling down, depressed and unhappy. My twenties were a blur of disappointments and failure. Basically it all boils down to attracting somebody and feeling loved. Feeling as good as everybody else. So I made a conscious effort of been more happy and outgoing. It wasn't difficult to do. I just had zero expectations of meeting somebody. Anything, a smile, a conversation, a coffee meeting, a cinema visit was considered to be a massive success.

But after changing my attitude there wasn't a flood of interest from women, far from it. I have been on dates though in the last few years. I can tell you, you don't suddenly feel fantastic. I think having a woman in your life brings another set of problems. Loneliness is replaced by other things. I have always found dating to be even more stressful than being alone. We should really count our blessings.

I am not sure this relates to the original post, I am tired and sleepy. I just think you should accept good stuff. Everybody goes thru bad honeysuckle. Everybody has negative feelings. It's just natural.

 

[Batman55]

I would say it is worth it to let go of the negative feelings, esp. if you consider the fact that you will definitely be more attractive to the opposite sex once you embrace optimism. Karma is real and the universe does owe you something for improving yourself.

Positivity will eventually get you that which you desire, so long as it's not highly unrealistic. I'd say if you want to be astrophysicist without being a good student, then no, positive thinking will not lead you there. But getting a relationship? Something that 99% of the population if not more has had? Yes, positive thinking will lead you there, I guarantee it.

 

[daughter of the moon]

It's weird but I want to WANT TO try to help myself but right now I seriously lack the drive to do anything significant about it. It's hard to break out of this lethargic state I've been in for most of my adult life.

I know you'll be there whenever I need it though

Well, why don't you start with acknowledging more the good things you have in your life, even if you think it ain't much. At least you have awesome friends lol, or whatever