Repaired with Crazy Glue

[Lonesome Crow]

I've been doing a lot of soul searching lately. Today something came up and hitted me like a ton of bricks. I feel very fustrated with myself
and everyone.

I'm sicked and tired of how my life had been going.
I know I havn't been well for the past year.
I want to get well. I been working really hard but for some
reason I feel like I'm at this plato that I just can't seem to get
over. I've been here at this cross road before.

I'm fucken sick and tire of people telling what I should feel
or shouldn't feel. I'm sick and tired of always being told I
was to blame. I'm sick and tired of people telling me that
I chose to play the fucken victim role...will i fucken don't.
I'm sick and tire of people tell'in me my thinking is all messed up
I'm fucken sick and tire of people tell'in what i belive or don't
belive in.
I'm sick and tire of people tell'in me onething and acting the opposite.

I don't wait up every god **** morning wishing and hoping
to be used and abused. I'm sick and tired of getting the fucken
blame while my abuse gets away with it...
Yes...it's messed up as hell...My fucken abusers are my fucken
family members and are the ones I love very much and hold dear
to my heart.

I was abused as a child by my father. I Love my father very much.
All the relationships I've gotten involve with were abusive relatioships.
I'm fucken sick and tire of getting the fucken stima becuase I'm a guy..
that people assume I'm the fucken abuser.
No one and no one will listen to me and thinks and assume I'm fucken
lying.
My ex-gf used and abused me to the fucken core...I love her very much...
Yes I run back to her and want her . I feel like I'm going to
fucken died to live without her. It's the same feeling I have for my
father. She fucken gets away with every fucken thing.
A free fucken pass becuase she a woman with fucken boobs.

I been in recovery for a long ass time. And half of the fucken
time I feel more fucken crazy than i was with out it.
I need help god **** it...sorry that i don't have fucken
boobs and my life is a god **** mess becuase of all the
wreackage...that i don't get your fucken attention

i want to go out and get messed up out of my fucken mind.
i cared...I fucken all these years. It's fucken piontless for
me to stay fucken sober and tire to do good...I get fucken
blame for all the honeysuckle and have to deal with the fucken consiquences
anyways....I might as will catch a fucken buzz and get fucken
high and have fun.

Who fucken care....i won't prove anyone fucken wrong anymore.
You want me to be a worthless piece of honeysuckle...you got it.
I'm sick of all this fucken honeysuckle.
And why in the fresia is it that I always fall in love with a phyco *****...I'm tire.

 

[Naleena]

I need help god **** it...sorry that i don't have fucken
boobs and my life is a god **** mess becuase of all the
wreackage...that i don't get your fucken attention

**Naleena waves her majick wand and **poof** Lonesome Crow has boobs. ****

Do you really think those size D's are gonna make a difference in your life? Your problem isn't being a man, it's listening to other people's opinion of you. No one can make you feel bad about yourself without YOUR permission. If I said your hair was green would you be angry and hurt? Would you complain and want to give up? Probabley not. You would say, "Naleena, you are obviously crazy. My hair isn't green." You know that for a fact your hair isnt green and you would blow off what I said. Now, what is this other people are telling you? Why do you let it bother you? Is it because you have some low self esteem and thier words bring that up for you? Are you afraid or maybe some small part of you is unsure of yourself? You are not any of the things that they have said! See that about yourself. Know that. You are a kind human being and an example to people on this board! You have worked so hard to get where you are. Don't let a pair of boobs spoil it for you- imaginary or real. Only ignorant people think all abusers are men. And if they are ignorant then who gives a honeysuckle what they think?

i want to go out and get messed up out of my fucken mind.
i cared...I fucken all these years. It's fucken piontless for
me to stay fucken sober and tire to do good...I get fucken
blame for all the honeysuckle and have to deal with the fucken consiquences
anyways....I might as will catch a fucken buzz and get fucken
high and have fun.

You have tried that and it doesn't work. As hard as it is, you need to take your own advice that you have been giving out to the rest of us. I love you as a friend and I want you to be ok. Doesn't that count for anything? What about the other people who care for you and have spent time trying to help you. They have seen something that you can't right now,.....they have seen your potential. Don't let them or yourself down....because the other ********/abusers in your life aren't worth your going down that old path.

(((((((((((((((((((((((Lonesome))))))))))))))))))))))))
You are loved. You are wanted. You are thought of fondley. Don't allow these people to steal your joy. Remember the saying,"this too shall pass." Feel these feelings and observe them and know that they won't last.

 

[EveWasFramed]

I care, Rocket.

(((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))
You are a good soul, Rocket.

 

[Naleena]

I care, Rocket.

(((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))
You are a good soul, Rocket.

I don't understand why no one else has replied. It might be the title of his thread. He has ALWAYS been here for everyone. Poor Rocket. He needs our support right now.

 

[EveWasFramed]

I care, Rocket.

(((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))
You are a good soul, Rocket.

I don't understand why no one else has replied. It might be the title of his thread. He has ALWAYS been here for everyone. Poor Rocket. He needs our support right now.

I'm sure it's a combination of the title and the fact that the forum is a bit slow right now. People will respond. Rocket is respected and well-loved by so many on this forum and he has always been a friend to almost everyone here. He gives good advice and cares so much for others.

 

[Steel]

Hey dude. I care too.

Sometime you are going to have to break this cycle of being abused in personal relationships. You're a good guy, and you DESERVE far better.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Roflamo...I don't want man boobies on me, on me...Size D would make me top heavy.

Someone spoke to me lastnight.

I got fustrated after I went to my meeting lastnight. It happens to me often
in meetings when my sponsor is not around.
He usually makes me laugh when certain subjects comes up that i still have problems with
to clam me down
Someone said something to me and it triggered a lot of emotionals in me.
I was already emotional to begin with. The person had a very strong type personalities.
Bascailly told me my emotions arn't real. They're real to me...I just don't react to them.
Bascailly made me felt like honeysuckle as if I was stupid or something.

It just brought back a lot of memories becuase I would numb out my emotions to survive.
Pretend like what i was feeling or experincing wasn't real..Bascailly living in denial.

Anyway, i guess I was just ranting...i didn't want to sholve my emotions deep inside of me
and numb out anymore.

That's what I been working on...not live in denial anymore.
I know living with my gf was a living hell...but a part of me stills refuse to see it or accept it.

I love you too nalee..

 

[grundel70]

mmmmm size D's.......

What else can that majick thing a ma jig do there Naleena?

You know I have pm'd you a couple times about how much I admire and respect your posts. But you know what? There is a time for everything...and sometimes we come to times that we feel down and out.

Like our esteemed colleague Naleena said, it will pass. Let this 'stuff' burn itself out. Don't revert back to old, destructive habits that will only leave you worse off than before.

I respect the hell out of you and all you have done and been through. Plus you can do something that I sooooo want to do...play the guitar!!! Man you rock!!!

 

[VanillaCreme]

I need help god **** it...sorry that i don't have fucken
boobs and my life is a god **** mess becuase of all the
wreackage...that i don't get your fucken attention

**Naleena waves her majick wand and **poof** Lonesome Crow has boobs. ****

Do you really think those size D's are gonna make a difference in your life? Your problem isn't being a man, it's listening to other people's opinion of you. No one can make you feel bad about yourself without YOUR permission. If I said your hair was green would you be angry and hurt? Would you complain and want to give up? Probabley not. You would say, "Naleena, you are obviously crazy. My hair isn't green." You know that for a fact your hair isnt green and you would blow off what I said. Now, what is this other people are telling you? Why do you let it bother you? Is it because you have some low self esteem and thier words bring that up for you? Are you afraid or maybe some small part of you is unsure of yourself? You are not any of the things that they have said! See that about yourself. Know that. You are a kind human being and an example to people on this board! You have worked so hard to get where you are. Don't let a pair of boobs spoil it for you- imaginary or real. Only ignorant people think all abusers are men. And if they are ignorant then who gives a honeysuckle what they think?

i want to go out and get messed up out of my fucken mind.
i cared...I fucken all these years. It's fucken piontless for
me to stay fucken sober and tire to do good...I get fucken
blame for all the honeysuckle and have to deal with the fucken consiquences
anyways....I might as will catch a fucken buzz and get fucken
high and have fun.

You have tried that and it doesn't work. As hard as it is, you need to take your own advice that you have been giving out to the rest of us. I love you as a friend and I want you to be ok. Doesn't that count for anything? What about the other people who care for you and have spent time trying to help you. They have seen something that you can't right now,.....they have seen your potential. Don't let them or yourself down....because the other ********/abusers in your life aren't worth your going down that old path.

(((((((((((((((((((((((Lonesome))))))))))))))))))))))))
You are loved. You are wanted. You are thought of fondley. Don't allow these people to steal your joy. Remember the saying,"this too shall pass." Feel these feelings and observe them and know that they won't last.

I agree with what she said. I don't really think being a man or getting trashed is your issue. It's listening to what people say to you. As much as you may not like it, people see things in you that you don't. Those things may or may not be negative, but you still decide not to hear people out because you think "people are telling you how to be", when in fact, they really aren't. If everyone had the most positive thing ever to say about you, there wouldn't be an problems.

FYI, having boobs doesn't make life easier. I've noticed your opinions and thoughts on women, and I just thought you were being light-hearted about it. Having boobs doesn't mean anything. Don't even know why some guys think that... If women were to say that having a penis makes life easier, we'd get the "you're just saying that because as a female, you want life to be easier for you" thrown in our face. It goes both ways. And it doesn't matter what's in your pants, or what's in your shirt, life will be life. Whether it's harder or easier depends on the person, and what they experience in life.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

I need help god **** it...sorry that i don't have fucken
boobs and my life is a god **** mess becuase of all the
wreackage...that i don't get your fucken attention

**Naleena waves her majick wand and **poof** Lonesome Crow has boobs. ****

Do you really think those size D's are gonna make a difference in your life? Your problem isn't being a man, it's listening to other people's opinion of you. No one can make you feel bad about yourself without YOUR permission. If I said your hair was green would you be angry and hurt? Would you complain and want to give up? Probabley not. You would say, "Naleena, you are obviously crazy. My hair isn't green." You know that for a fact your hair isnt green and you would blow off what I said. Now, what is this other people are telling you? Why do you let it bother you? Is it because you have some low self esteem and thier words bring that up for you? Are you afraid or maybe some small part of you is unsure of yourself? You are not any of the things that they have said! See that about yourself. Know that. You are a kind human being and an example to people on this board! You have worked so hard to get where you are. Don't let a pair of boobs spoil it for you- imaginary or real. Only ignorant people think all abusers are men. And if they are ignorant then who gives a honeysuckle what they think?

i want to go out and get messed up out of my fucken mind.
i cared...I fucken all these years. It's fucken piontless for
me to stay fucken sober and tire to do good...I get fucken
blame for all the honeysuckle and have to deal with the fucken consiquences
anyways....I might as will catch a fucken buzz and get fucken
high and have fun.

You have tried that and it doesn't work. As hard as it is, you need to take your own advice that you have been giving out to the rest of us. I love you as a friend and I want you to be ok. Doesn't that count for anything? What about the other people who care for you and have spent time trying to help you. They have seen something that you can't right now,.....they have seen your potential. Don't let them or yourself down....because the other ********/abusers in your life aren't worth your going down that old path.

(((((((((((((((((((((((Lonesome))))))))))))))))))))))))
You are loved. You are wanted. You are thought of fondley. Don't allow these people to steal your joy. Remember the saying,"this too shall pass." Feel these feelings and observe them and know that they won't last.

I agree with what she said. I don't really think being a man or getting trashed is your issue. It's listening to what people say to you. As much as you may not like it, people see things in you that you don't. Those things may or may not be negative, but you still decide not to hear people out because you think "people are telling you how to be", when in fact, they really aren't. If everyone had the most positive thing ever to say about you, there wouldn't be an problems.

FYI, having boobs doesn't make life easier. I've noticed your opinions and thoughts on women, and I just thought you were being light-hearted about it. Having boobs doesn't mean anything. Don't even know why some guys think that... If women were to say that having a penis makes life easier, we'd get the "you're just saying that because as a female, you want life to be easier for you" thrown in our face. It goes both ways. And it doesn't matter what's in your pants, or what's in your shirt, life will be life. Whether it's harder or easier depends on the person, and what they experience in life.

I'm being light hearted about it.
The person that told all that crap. Asked me something then cutted me off in the middle of my sentence and started injecting thier own
perceptions. I don't know what the hell my ex- had been tell'in her.

I lived with my ex for over 12 years...I ought to know what happened.
I was nevered drunk or high around her. It took the cops three times
to figure it out...Some of the cops even knew what was happening
at first. They told me I needed to get the hell away from her becuase
the way the court system is set up. They frisk me first and ask questions later. She was the one that relasped and went into her
addiction and insanity. It wouldn't be so bad if she was a mellow drunk. She's very violent and abusive when she's drunk or when she's
on her run. The last time the cops came over...they wanted to arrest
her..but they knew I would only go and bail her out, if they arrested her.

I know i have issues within myself I need to work on.
Also at the sametime I'm tired of the double standards.
She's a very attactive person and can put on an act.
Everybody gives her all kinds of lead way or babies her.
yeah...yeah...she'll get well on her own time.
If i step out of line just a little ..fresia..they're fucken all over
me like fly on honeysuckle...That's now it was in the relationship itself.
I had to be perfect all the fucken time. If I make simple mistake
it's like the fucken end of the world, but when she messes up...like really,really cuase some seriouse wreackage...I should just fucken get over it...It's like the punishment dosn't fit the fucken crime.
That the way I've been getting treated in recovery rooms..
No fucken duh...I can figure it out...freaken dudes just wanna fresia her. Always telling me...how I messed up the relationship
as if i was the one ***** slapping her.

It's been almost 2 years and she still hasn't a fucken word to me.
She so fucken spirtual, lovely, understandfing , compasionate and godly...She's so full of love for everyone and apolgize to everyone else for minor things.
Why fresia can't she just love me back or tell me she's sorry at least
once ?
Give me 10 -15 mins of her time.
I gave her 12 years of my life.
I stood by her side and lived thorugh all that honeysuckle...
these mother ******* weren't never around.

I'm trying to come to terms that she'll never apologize to me.
Evidently...this too is too much for me to expect out of her.
I find it difficult to accept...but fresia, acceptence is son of a ***** as always.

I've reading a lot of this matter...abusive realtionship..
An average person will return to the absusive relationship
7 times before they get it...or break away.
I've seperated from my ex-gf 5 times already throughout
her relapsed.

Even my friends had to hind me from her for 6 months.
I had to live in a differnent town and switch jobs even...
But I went back to her. My friends got angery at me or
cutted me lose...I know there's consequences.

I just want her to love me.

 

[VanillaCreme]

I'm being light hearted about it.
The person that told all that crap. Asked me something then cutted me off in the middle of my sentence and started injecting thier own
perceptions. I don't know what the hell my ex- had been tell'in her.

I lived with my ex for over 12 years...I ought to know what happened.
I was nevered drunk or high around her. It took the cops three times
to figure it out...Some of the cops even knew what was happening
at first. They told me I needed to get the hell away from her becuase
the way the court system is set up. They frisk me first and ask questions later. She was the one that relasped and went into her
addiction and insanity. It wouldn't be so bad if she was a mellow drunk. She's very violent and abusive when she's drunk or when she's
on her run. The last time the cops came over...they wanted to arrest
her..but they knew I would only go and bail her out, if they arrested her.

I know i have issues within myself I need to work on.
Also at the sametime I'm tired of the double standards.
She's a very attactive person and can put on an act.
Everybody gives her all kinds of lead way or babies her.
yeah...yeah...she'll get well on her own time.
If i step out of line just a little ..fresia..they're fucken all over
me like fly on honeysuckle...That's now it was in the relationship itself.
I had to be perfect all the fucken time. If I make simple mistake
it's like the fucken end of the world, but when she messes up...like really,really cuase some seriouse wreackage...I should just fucken get over it...It's like the punishment dosn't fit the fucken crime.
That the way I've been getting treated in recovery rooms..
No fucken duh...I can figure it out...freaken dudes just wanna fresia her. Always telling me...how I messed up the relationship
as if i was the one ***** slapping her.

It's been almost 2 years and she still hasn't a fucken word to me.
She so fucken spirtual, lovely, understandfing , compasionate and godly...She's so full of love for everyone and apolgize to everyone else for minor things.
Why fresia can't she just love me back or tell me she's sorry at least
once ?
Give me 10 -15 mins of her time.
I gave her 12 years of my life.
I stood by her side and lived thorugh all that honeysuckle...
these mother ******* weren't never around.

I've reading a lot of this matter...abusive realtionship..
An average person will return to the absusive relationship
7 times before they get it...or break away.
I've seperated from my ex-gf 5 times already throughout
her relapsed.

Even my friends had to hind me from her for 6 months.
I had to live in a differnent town and switch jobs even...
But I went back to her. My friends got angery at me or
cutted me lose...I know there's consequences.

I just want her to love me.

Why care or worry about double standards? As sad as it is, they are there... and probably there to stay. Don't worry about what others think of your actions. You seriously can't live through your life worrying about what Joe-Schmoe says. Who cares? As long as you're happy, it doesn't matter.

Also, why keep going back to a girl who has a problem so big she doesn't care enough about herself to deal with it? It's almost like you want these issues to keep occurring. I would think that if she cared about you at all, she would at least try to act right. But instead she wants to keep doing what she's doing. I mean, she does what she wants, but isn't there a point where she says to herself that she'll straighten up her act and clean up for you?

You wanting her to love you might not ever happen. Look at what she's constantly doing. It doesn't seem she really cares about herself even to help herself. There's no way she really loves or cares about anyone else. Your friends are trying to tell you something... Trying to get a message through to you that if she doesn't care, and you can't see that she doesn't want to care, then why should any of them?

Why can't she love you back? Or tell you she's sorry? Because, sadly, she's not sorry. And she can't love you back because she doesn't realize your love for her. I know how you feel on that one... It might not have been as long, but I gave my ex a year and a half of my life, but I just had to come to realize that he'd never love me like I did him.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

No..that person is not my friend..I hardly know her.

I get more from you. It's straight forward and not really what I want
to hear...but it's clearer.

I need to hear from other people outside of recovery. Just like the freinds
I've lost in RL...for some reasons it cleaer when I inneract with people that's
well or not as sick as I am.

I don't know anyone close outside of recovery at the moment.
I need to make my amends to my non-recovery freinds that i lost and that tried to help me.

 

[SilentThinker]

I think it is really hard to show all the love and concern on someone but you get nothing in return.It is somehow like when you feed that person,he or she turned back and bite you.(not literally.)

Some of the relationships that I have that I really hated to leave but they were the turning points in my life.Paniful choice,but healthy gains.