Romantic relationship? WTF?

[JAYtheMAGNIFICENT]

What is the deal with romantic relationships? It blows me away how everyone I know finds a "someone special". I just don't get it, What is the big secret that everyone knows, but is keeping from me?

How do people do it? I've never even been within a million miles of finding someone meaningful like that in my life. The thought of me being lucky enough to find someone special is so ridiculous to me, I can't even fathom it.

I can't imagine anyone who would put up with me.

 

[Sean]

I will never tell .


Lol, nah, sorry I still haven't found 'the one' .
Can't give you any advice on this one.

 

[Badjedidude]

I can't imagine anyone who would put up with me.

And that's why you can't find anyone.

 

[JAYtheMAGNIFICENT]

You're right. It is a problem no doubt. I definitely know that my image of myself is very off-putting to other people, certainly does not make them want to spend time with me.
It's hard to make yourself feel good about yourself.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Maybe you should just practice eating right
If you eat right...you can be a major dork and she'll still blow U away.

 

[QuietGuy]

What is the deal with romantic relationships? It blows me away how everyone I know finds a "someone special".

I admit, it does amaze me that the process of finding a special long-term partner is so easy and totally effortless for some people. As if it requires no more effort than brushing your teeth in the morning! While washing in the morning, I'm sometimes so deep in thought about something that I'll brush my teeth almost on auto-pilot. And then suddenly I'll snap out of my deep thoughts, and realise that I've brushed my teeth almost without being aware of it. That's how effortless it seems for some people. Like they're just going about their everyday life, and suddenly, "Oh look! I've now got a lovely sweet girlfriend! That's nice! Didn't take any effort either!"

I've never even been within a million miles of finding someone meaningful like that in my life.

I can't imagine anyone who would put up with me.

Why not? I'm interested - what specifically do you think a girl wouldn't be able to put up with?

The thought of me being lucky enough to find someone special is so ridiculous to me, I can't even fathom it.

Luck certainly is one factor in the equation, but I think there are many other more important factors - see below.

I just don't get it, What is the big secret that everyone knows, but is keeping from me? How do people do it?

It seems to me that there are two key things:

1. Confidence and a sense of self-worth. This has to be genuine. If you fake it, girls will eventually see through your mask. Start with self-worth. "I'm a human being with a heart capable of giving and receiving love with a romantic partner." This then leads to confidence. "I know I'm capable of loving and being loved, and with so many millions of girls in the world, I will find one girl who's right for me." Apart from anything else, confidence is a very attractive feature in a person.

2. Put yourself out there, find some relaxed environment where girls can actually find you, and just keep meeting lots and lots of new girls. This is my problem. I don't meet enough new girls. Say, for example, there's an average of 1 girl in every 25 girls with whom you could form a deep relationship with. Therefore, statistically, you'd have to meet 25 new girls to have a good chance of finding that special one. Rejection and disappointment are very likely, but in the end, it doesn't matter. 24 rejections are to be expected, and absolutely worth it, to find that one special girl. As for suitable relaxed environments, I guess it's good if you have a hobby (eg. playing a musical instrument) which allows you to join a club or society to meet other like-minded people.



Edit: Here's something I posted a while ago, which I think is relevant:

I can't really imagine anyone loving me (as self-pitying as that sounds)

I'll tell you something which will hopefully help. There was a time when I thought exactly the same thing as you - "I can't really imagine anyone loving me". What have I got to offer? Why would I interest any girl? I'm not George Clooney, I'm just plain old boring me.

But then, 6 years ago, I dated my first and only girlfriend. She would regularly send me the most wonderful heartfelt love letters imaginable. I would break down in tears just reading them. And I very slowly realised that, yes I'm just plain old boring me, but she loves me nevertheless.

 

[sadface]

Edit: Here's something I posted a while ago, which I think is relevant:

I can't really imagine anyone loving me (as self-pitying as that sounds)

I'll tell you something which will hopefully help. There was a time when I thought exactly the same thing as you - "I can't really imagine anyone loving me". What have I got to offer? Why would I interest any girl? I'm not George Clooney, I'm just plain old boring me.

But then, 6 years ago, I dated my first and only girlfriend. She would regularly send me the most wonderful heartfelt love letters imaginable. I would break down in tears just reading them. And I very slowly realised that, yes I'm just plain old boring me, but she loves me nevertheless.

I think that's really cyclical though. For a lot of people, they don't have that sense of confidence or worth to really put themselves out there or be appealing to others. Sure, it's easy to say that once get that sense of worth, you'll be fine - but the sad reality is that a lot of people are like you, quietguy. It takes someone telling them they're worth something to believe it. Thus the problem arises and we're back at square one - how are they supposed to attract someone to tell them these things, to reassure them, if they don't already have it? If they don't have that confidence, they won't find someone to tell them that.

It's just a huge cycle of despair.

 

[ShybutHi]

I think that's really cyclical though. For a lot of people, they don't have that sense of confidence or worth to really put themselves out there or be appealing to others. Sure, it's easy to say that once get that sense of worth, you'll be fine - but the sad reality is that a lot of people are like you, quietguy. It takes someone telling them they're worth something to believe it. Thus the problem arises and we're back at square one - how are they supposed to attract someone to tell them these things, to reassure them, if they don't already have it? If they don't have that confidence, they won't find someone to tell them that.

It's just a huge cycle of despair.

Yes, sadface....

 

[JAYtheMAGNIFICENT]

I can't really imagine anyone loving me (as self-pitying as that sounds)

I'll tell you something which will hopefully help. There was a time when I thought exactly the same thing as you - "I can't really imagine anyone loving me". What have I got to offer? Why would I interest any girl? I'm not George Clooney, I'm just plain old boring me.

But then, 6 years ago, I dated my first and only girlfriend. She would regularly send me the most wonderful heartfelt love letters imaginable. I would break down in tears just reading them. And I very slowly realised that, yes I'm just plain old boring me, but she loves me nevertheless.

That's pretty inspiring to read, I can only hope I get so lucky at some point.

 

[jjam]

The people who "do it" don't have the kinds of barriers that those who have a tough time "doing it" do. Those that do manage to overcome the barriers do so at the right moment.

 

[ShybutHi]

I can't really imagine anyone loving me (as self-pitying as that sounds)

I'll tell you something which will hopefully help. There was a time when I thought exactly the same thing as you - "I can't really imagine anyone loving me". What have I got to offer? Why would I interest any girl? I'm not George Clooney, I'm just plain old boring me.

But then, 6 years ago, I dated my first and only girlfriend. She would regularly send me the most wonderful heartfelt love letters imaginable. I would break down in tears just reading them. And I very slowly realised that, yes I'm just plain old boring me, but she loves me nevertheless.

Thats great! I wish that would happen to me.

 

[QuietGuy]

It takes someone telling them they're worth something to believe it. Thus the problem arises and we're back at square one - how are they supposed to attract someone to tell them these things, to reassure them, if they don't already have it? If they don't have that confidence, they won't find someone to tell them that. It's just a huge cycle of despair.

The only way for you to break that endless cycle is for me to tell you, you are capable of loving and being loved! It's such a fundamental aspect of being human. It doesn't matter how boring, useless, ugly, etc, someone thinks they are. It doesn't matter how much emotional or psychological mess a person seems to have on the surface of their personality. Those things have absolutely no effect on your natural ability to love and be loved. I wish someone could've told me that years ago. So I'm telling you now!

Time for another quote from The Little Prince:

It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.

Everyone has a heart capable of loving and being loved. And true love is an attraction between two hearts, invisible to the eye. At the moment I'm quite strongly attracted to one girl I know, even though she's very plain and ordinary and not particularly attractive in the traditional sense. But nevertheless my heart has found something special inside her. She's going through a tough time at the moment, and is very depressed for much of the time, but that has no effect on my feelings for her. She may not think that anyone could feel affection for her in her current state, but she'd be wrong.

Hope that's helped

That's pretty inspiring to read, I can only hope I get so lucky at some point.

Thats great! I wish that would happen to me.

It will happen to you! While it may not be the easiest thing to do, I genuinely believe that all that's really necessary is confidence, a sense of self-worth, patience, and keep meeting lots and lots of new people in nice relaxed environments. And I'm giving this advice to myself here as much as I am to you guys. I'm single and searching for someone special too. I'm hoping that something might develop with the girl I mentioned above. But if not, I'll continue searching...

 

[JAYtheMAGNIFICENT]

It's interesting. When I was younger, like 2nd grade through 5th grade, I used to be very confident, and girls showed a lot of interest in me. Getting older, going through middle school, high school, and college effectively destroyed that confidence, and no girl has shown me any real interest in the longest time.

 

[Badjedidude]

2nd to 5th grade?

Jesus holy noodles, I was still playing raptors vs. t-rex from 2nd to 5th grade. I barely knew that girls even existed. lol

 

[JAYtheMAGNIFICENT]

haha yeah that's why it didn't matter. I didn't give a darn about girl back then.

 

[septicemia]

I have been single for 6 years now, after a 1.5 year relationship, and shared a bed with more than a handful of other men. I have never felt more alone that I have with a man sleeping next to me. All I have ever wanted was someone to connect to, it just never happened for me. I could feel it was different for me starting in middle school when all my friends started to date, and there was never anyone there for me, and its been the same ever since. I have given up at this point. I am not a creepy person, people who meet me like me, I do good stuff for my community. If I asked my friends what was wrong with me I am sure they would say nothing, and my friends are normal people who have normal relationships. Physical fitness is very important to me, so I have a nice body, I wear cute clothes when I go to town, I put on a little masceara (however you spell it), eye shadow, maybe some lipstick. I am not pretty at all, but I am not the most hideous hag either. I havnt been hit on, or even cat called once in 6 years. None of my friends have any problem finding a partner. I one gal I know just got a divorce, and I know she has tons of guys who are just waiting for her to be ready to start dating. I feel like I am broken, and I dont even know what part of me is. The saddest thing is that my sister is even worse then me, and she is like 93X hotter than I am, seriously. Her body is perfect, and she has a super model face. I think guys are probably super intimidated by her beauty, and she is extremely shy, but I still dont understand why guys arent falling over her 24/7.

I do not think there is someone for everyone, its statistically not possible.

 

[ShybutHi]

I have been single for 6 years now, after a 1.5 year relationship, and shared a bed with more than a handful of other men. I have never felt more alone that I have with a man sleeping next to me. All I have ever wanted was someone to connect to, it just never happened for me. I could feel it was different for me starting in middle school when all my friends started to date, and there was never anyone there for me, and its been the same ever since. I have given up at this point. I am not a creepy person, people who meet me like me, I do good stuff for my community. If I asked my friends what was wrong with me I am sure they would say nothing, and my friends are normal people who have normal relationships. Physical fitness is very important to me, so I have a nice body, I wear cute clothes when I go to town, I put on a little masceara (however you spell it), eye shadow, maybe some lipstick. I am not pretty at all, but I am not the most hideous hag either. I havnt been hit on, or even cat called once in 6 years. None of my friends have any problem finding a partner. I one gal I know just got a divorce, and I know she has tons of guys who are just waiting for her to be ready to start dating. I feel like I am broken, and I dont even know what part of me is. The saddest thing is that my sister is even worse then me, and she is like 93X hotter than I am, seriously. Her body is perfect, and she has a super model face. I think guys are probably super intimidated by her beauty, and she is extremely shy, but I still dont understand why guys arent falling over her 24/7.

I do not think there is someone for everyone, its statistically not possible.

Well perhaps you are just after the wrong type of guys??? I dont know.

Personally though i have almost given up on looking for a girlfriend...
i am 23 a virgin and had one relationship in my life, infact until recently i havnt even had one actual friend that was a girl (apart from that one past relationship ofcourse). Im just too **** shy to approach girls i like, i just cant think what to say, i just think whatever i do say is retarded and im making myself look like a fool. Low self-esteem and social anxiety... not exactly attractive is it.

 

[septicemia]

Shybuthi its a good possibility!

Yeah, low selfesteem and social anxiety is NOT a good mix for meeting new people at all! I think we all get so caught up in trying to not look like fools, that we over think it and then totally choke and end up looking like fools LOL. If only we could just relax and feel comfortable and be ourselves eh?

 

[ShybutHi]

Shybuthi its a good possibility!

Yeah, low selfesteem and social anxiety is NOT a good mix for meeting new people at all! I think we all get so caught up in trying to not look like fools, that we over think it and then totally choke and end up looking like fools LOL. If only we could just relax and feel comfortable and be ourselves eh?

Indeed septicemia, your right it is over-analysation. I still go out on weekends and meet people, hang out with friends etc i have a good friendship group but i am still plagued with this social anxiety, its getting better thanks to actually meeting new friends which has caused me to start going out more often and its helping, sometimes its still bad though if theres people i dont know and i will be basically mute, especially if theres an attractive girl there lol. Alcohol does help with communication though and fortuanatly i can control my alcohol intake.