Self-esteem pretty wrecked from online dating

[MentatsGhoul]

In my experience, it's not even if you say something awkward, it's if you're not 100% charismatic and funny and engaging all the time. You can't open with "Hey, what's up, how are you" EVER, or you'll get ignored because your opening wasn't good. If she does respond, but you don't keep the conversation 100% engaging throughout, she will instantly ignore you. One message that she can't latch onto, one message that somewhat breaks the flow of the conversation and it's over.

I think that the one thing you seem to forget here is that you're trying to approach people on Tinder.
Let's say women do end up with more matches, it's not a rule but generalizing it might not be completely wrong, they have 20 guys sending them the same "Hey, what's up" message everyday. The one person that sticks out with a fairly more amusing message will be the one she'll probably try talking to. I could make a point here that this is the opposite of being shallow, since they're going for the good conversation and not only the nice looking dudes... though, whatever, everyone that uses an app like that is being shallow at that particular moment. It's about choosing people like they're on a menu.

My advice to you is stop using Tinder, unless you want something very meaningless and you don't care about the outcome - which I don't think is the case here. Try to meet someone that actually wants to have a conversation and then you'll see that women are not just socializing with who they think are the best to be a potential baby daddy or looks like Ryan Gosling (or whatever dude women think is hot), they actually like to interact, connect, exchange ideas - and not just with whom they're interested in either. 

The effect that a match would do to your self-esteem can't even be compared to the feeling of someone actually wanting your company. Don't waste your time with meaningless, dude.

Well, I'm not going to argue against the first point. As I said, this isn't about blaming them for it, I completely understand that there are probably reasons behind this behaviour, I'd probably act somewhat similar in their shoes in all honesty. But that doesn't take away from the feeling of hopelessness that you get when faced with these odds and standards. That's just life, but life sucks sometimes.

As for the second point, well, look, truth is I ******* hate Tinder. I hate the idea of dating sites in general. I put off using them for years, until late last years when I had something of a crisis and needed to start taking active steps towards improving my life in any way I could.

But what other choice do I have at this point? I've tried going for female friends, I actually fell in love with a couple over the last few years, and it's always ended in disaster and ruined the friendship. It can happen, sure, but the dynamics are very complicated 99% of the time, and besides, none of the girls I currently hang out with is interested in dating me (I actually live with most of them). Bars, clubs... I mean I liked drinking and hanging out in them, but really not my environment for talking to girls, plus it's even LESS likely than Tinder to end up in anything that isn't extremely superficial. Meeting people through friends? Well, you go to enough parties you start seeing the same faces over and over, has never worked for me (a lot of them are from the Greek community in my university, who stick together a lot and rarely date outside their group). I've even asked my flatmates if they know any girls they could bring over to one of our house parties, and they basically said that they don't know anyone else. And other dating sites? I've told this anectode before, but I joined OKCupid last year and there was literally only twelve girls in my age range in my area...

I mean, you're right, I'd love to just find that one girl you really connect with and everything, but, finding her in the modern dating world while she's single is nearly impossible and doesn't look like it's happening any time soon.

 

[DarkSelene]

Well, I'm not going to argue against the first point. As I said, this isn't about blaming them for it, I completely understand that there are probably reasons behind this behaviour, I'd probably act somewhat similar in their shoes in all honesty. But that doesn't take away from the feeling of hopelessness that you get when faced with these odds and standards. That's just life, but life sucks sometimes.

As for the second point, well, look, truth is I ******* hate Tinder. I hate the idea of dating sites in general. I put off using them for years, until late last years when I had something of a crisis and needed to start taking active steps towards improving my life in any way I could.

I mean, you're right, I'd love to just find that one girl you really connect with and everything, but, finding her in the modern dating world while she's single is nearly impossible and doesn't look like it's happening any time soon.

Women do hold the power, I can't pretend that's not true. But, yeah, I don't believe all females are shallow because I also don't believe all males are x or y. The gender generalization doesn't work and it'll also not help, but you know that.

I know how hard it is for people our age, specially finding people that actually want something more meaningful than just a one night stand or someone to boost their ego for a night. I know that in these times it's much worse. The amount of freedom, information, everything being rushed by technology... sucks! It's almost impossible finding someone that wants to have a conversation and actually get to know one another.

To tell you the truth, every advice you get here will be assumptions, how could we know the way you act with these people? Or how they act with you. I don't know what kind of people you like either, but I would say that's also a factor and something you should probably look into.
I just really don't think that in your age this should be affecting you so much. Someone else probably said this to you before and I know that loneliness feels awful and sometimes it's just too hard to distract ourselves from it, but don't put this as your main goal in life or in your interactions overall. Let things happen... I know it's much easier said than done, but it's the only way you can teach yourself to not feel bad in the process while you're alone and when something do happen it'll be just a happy change of events. I really do not believe people need to work that much to meet someone.

 

[GrayAndLonesome]

Listen guys. Dating online is complete crap.

If you're not a white male, or a white-looking hispanic male, HIGH chances are, girls will not even message you back.

Dating in the US sucks, at least for me, as a minority male. The only minorities who fare well in dating maybe black males. That's the truth.

 

[FreedomFromLiberty]

Listen guys. Dating online is complete crap.

If you're not a white male, or a white-looking hispanic male, HIGH chances are, girls will not even message you back.

Dating in the US sucks, at least for me, as a minority male. The only minorities who fare well in dating maybe black males. That's the truth.

White male here... and I can assure you that online dating has mostly sucked for me as well.  In fact, you sound like you've been on more dates than I've been on in the last several years.

I've wracked my brain trying to understand how finding a date on a dating site could seem next to impossible, but that's the world we live in I guess.

 

[Paraiyar]

Listen guys. Dating online is complete crap.

If you're not a white male, or a white-looking hispanic male, HIGH chances are, girls will not even message you back.

Dating in the US sucks, at least for me, as a minority male. The only minorities who fare well in dating maybe black males. That's the truth.

White male here... and I can assure you that online dating has mostly sucked for me as well.  In fact, you sound like you've been on more dates than I've been on in the last several years.

I've wracked my brain trying to understand how finding a date on a dating site could seem next to impossible, but that's the world we live in I guess.

As a white male who has been on here a while, I can say that GrayAndLonesome has a history of assuming he knows what our experiences of life are.