Self-Indulgent Friends

[A Guy]

I have no one to confide in. A guy, who I thought was my best friend, turned out to be a jerk who talked trash about me to my other friends. He also told my girlfriend at the time everything that I had told him in confidence.

Over the past 5 years various friends have moved away, or we don't hang out anymore more various reasons. Now I find myself not caring if I see the few remaining friends that I do have.

My biggest problem is their self-indulgence. Get togethers mean discussing their lives. They show no interest in me. Conversations are all one-sided. I have gradually been talking less about myself on purpose, and as a test.

After a monologue from someone they'll say something like, "so what have you been up to?" I'll say something like, "well, been enjoying this great weather. Been taking the bike out a lot!" And then I steer the conversation back to them.

This happens with my family as well as friends.

Does anyone else here deal with these one-sided friendships?

 

[Peaches]

yes, if they are not interested in anything but themselves it's not friendship. They maybe someone to hang out with for a short time, just because you are a good giving person, and maybe just seeing a human being can cheer one up at times, but they cannot give you anything. Did you try instead, on purpose, to change the topic to yourself? Can they take it? can you just keep on talking about yourself like they do with you, ignoring the feeling that you are being obnoxious? maybe that is their standard in relationships, that one has to impose oneself to get attention.
anyway, if they still don't give attention, go on the hunt for better friends, you deserve people to listen to you too.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Yes, i have a few of them....
But as my life went on. I kindda had to change friends or make new friends.
I moved around a bit when i was a kid..so I kindda of had to learn how to make friends
quickly...sometimes I'll run across a few bad apples.

If you have a GF or in a relationship try to find friends that's in a relationship.
This way the toxic or bullshit is kept to a minimal.
I've have many friends hit on my woman, It's total bullshit.
They'll talk honeysuckle about me...then turn around and hit on my GF.
Or instigate some sort of argument between my GF and I...It's fucken rediculous.

Sometimes you'll even have those friendzone dudes talking crap...waiting
when your figthing with your women. When she's vunerable or bumpped her head.

I pretty much had to talk to people in support groups. (such as my sponsor)
for personal stuff. Picking a sponsor that's twice my age and bascially have
lots of integrity. Bascailly a rich dude...such as a doctor that has money
to burn, have his life together and have a drop dead gorgeous GF.
This way he dosnt really want to use me or hit on my woman.

I had major trust issues with men more than women.

 

[Stranger]

I think you should tell your friends about your life too. If they know nothing about what's on your mind, what you are up to, what's making you excited, what's bothering you... just nothing, then it's hard to even ask meaningful questions. My ex-boyfriend used to always steer the conversation back to me... when I made an effort to ask him questions, he just gave curt or evasive answers that didn't make it possible to start a conversation. Maybe this is not the case with you, but could be something to watch

 

[fuzzybutt]

I've met a lot like that. Especially online friends.

Luckily the friends I keep really close are not like that.

 

[ladyforsaken]

I have no one to confide in. A guy, who I thought was my best friend, turned out to be a jerk who talked trash about me to my other friends. He also told my girlfriend at the time everything that I had told him in confidence.

Over the past 5 years various friends have moved away, or we don't hang out anymore more various reasons. Now I find myself not caring if I see the few remaining friends that I do have.

My biggest problem is their self-indulgence. Get togethers mean discussing their lives. They show no interest in me. Conversations are all one-sided. I have gradually been talking less about myself on purpose, and as a test.

After a monologue from someone they'll say something like, "so what have you been up to?" I'll say something like, "well, been enjoying this great weather. Been taking the bike out a lot!" And then I steer the conversation back to them.

This happens with my family as well as friends.

Does anyone else here deal with these one-sided friendships?

This happens to me all the time. I used to feel sore about it.

Now? I feel like I don't really care. I've pretty much gotten used to it and I just let others talk about themselves. Sometimes it's awkward, so I leave the situation. Now, I'm mostly a lone-ranger lol in social situations. I don't mind it, I don't want to mind it cos if I did in the first place, it would get me all upset and depressed. I'm just enjoying my time on my own.

Sure I yearn for some sociable moments. That's where I come online on forums like these. That's sufficient for me.

Maybe you haven't found the right set of friends as yet. Sometimes just have one friend who could totally converse with you well is good enough, I think. If it helps, my PM inbox is always open if you need a friend.

 

[Bill Compton]

I have no one to confide in. A guy, who I thought was my best friend, turned out to be a jerk who talked trash about me to my other friends. He also told my girlfriend at the time everything that I had told him in confidence.

Over the past 5 years various friends have moved away, or we don't hang out anymore more various reasons. Now I find myself not caring if I see the few remaining friends that I do have.

My biggest problem is their self-indulgence. Get togethers mean discussing their lives. They show no interest in me. Conversations are all one-sided. I have gradually been talking less about myself on purpose, and as a test.

After a monologue from someone they'll say something like, "so what have you been up to?" I'll say something like, "well, been enjoying this great weather. Been taking the bike out a lot!" And then I steer the conversation back to them.

This happens with my family as well as friends.

Does anyone else here deal with these one-sided friendships?

Just maybe they talk about themselves because your not talking about yourself. How about conversations that have common ground but aren't individualistic.

Having said all this ol' boy I pretty much have the same problem. I find I have to always contact everyone these days. It kinda makes you feel desperate and needy and well... im not. Still eh....

If this place will do one thing, it'll make you realise that so many people have the same problems as you, and everyone is so humble. Its very comforting

 

[ladyforsaken]

If this place will do one thing, it'll make you realise that so many people have the same problems as you, and everyone is so humble. Its very comforting

Agreed!

 

[Tealeaf]

If you purposefully steer the conversation back to them, they might assume you don't want to talk about it.

 

[Gutted]

I seem to see this a lot with my Female friends. I wont see them for a while. Then I'll see them and most of our talk will be about them.

 

[Sci-Fi]

I had a female friend who would ask you how you were or what was wrong, and would always somehow turn it into all about her. Then she would sit and complain that no one ever asks her how she is doing. A male friend would just always brag about himself, that got tiresome faster than the girl who always made it about her.

 

[Barbaloot]

I've had a few "friends" like this. One in particular would talk to me for hours bragging about what she's been doing, why she's better than everyone around her and would repeat the same old tired stories about herself but would never once ask "how are you?" or "what's going on in your life?" ... I don't think you need to impose yourself in conversations with people worth being friends with. They will be genuinely interested in what's going on in your life and actually give a honeysuckle about it. They will even ask. I just distanced myself from those kind of people as much as possible.. I'd rather have no friends than friends like that.

 

[lifeisunusual]

I've very rarely met a friend that isn't self-obsessed in some way, mostly because they are mostly girls! And as a man, I like to keep things simple. Not talk about feelings all the time. Or over talk!

 

[A Guy]

I am now having fun with it. I talk to my mother by phone every week. When she asks how I'm doing, I always say, "Doin' good! The weather has been terrific. Almost like summer! The weekend is looking good!"

And that's that!

On those rare times when anyone asks how I am doing (most of them don't care), I try to come up with a fast way to divert the conversation.

It always works!

There is nothing more boring that talking with a self-indulgent person. I'm just the opposite. I reveal very little about myself. I just let the other person babble and babble.

 

[Malfoy]

I once worked with a guy who always had it worse. If your dog died, his mother died. If your tire went flat, his blew out and he veered off the road (narrowly avoiding a tree). God, I hated that guy.

 

[roguewave]

I am now having fun with it. I talk to my mother by phone every week. When she asks how I'm doing, I always say, "Doin' good! The weather has been terrific. Almost like summer! The weekend is looking good!"

And that's that!

On those rare times when anyone asks how I am doing (most of them don't care), I try to come up with a fast way to divert the conversation.

It always works!

There is nothing more boring that talking with a self-indulgent person. I'm just the opposite. I reveal very little about myself. I just let the other person babble and babble.

If you steer them away from the conversation in the way you've been telling us, they might feel the need to immediately fill the space with more talk, so they jump right back into what they were talking about for lack of knowing what else to do. Some people are uncomfortable with silence or will assume you don't like talking about yourself. You might be getting slightly warped results from your social experiment. Something to consider. I don't doubt that many of the people you interact with might be self-indulgent but there could be that one person who gets nervous and talks a lot. Usually that type will talk about what is most familiar to them, which is themselves.

 

[perfanoff]

I like talking about myself a lot. I like listening to people talk about themselves too, but only if their stories seem interesting and animated.

 

[IgnoredOne]

I like talking to myself. I always have the best of company.

 

[TheSolitaryMan]

Does anyone else here deal with these one-sided friendships?

All the time! Lots of people seem to be like this. Every now and then I'll talk to someone who genuinely wants to have an even back-and-forth conversation, but it's quite common to find people who just want to shamelessly promote themselves for the pettiest reasons.

A year or two back I was ridiculously lonely and pretty much always solitary in my spare time. I would spend hours every day completely on my own, just working or sitting around in silence.

Kind of felt like I was invisible, some days I'd just feel completely down about it to the point that it felt like my whole existence was just a completely insignificant day-to-day routine with absolutely no purpose. Like an extra in a giant movie scene.

Not one single person ever asked me how I was during that time, or if I needed support in any way, or even just wanted to talk to me about my life.

Instead people universally wanted to tell me about their jobs, their love lives or just generally how hugely wealthy and successful they were. It's almost like in some perverse way, some people are subconsciously inclined to rub the noses of others in it at every opportunity.

Nowadays, I quite like sharing my own anecdotes and stories, but equally I love listening to what other people do with their time.

I think any good conversation needs to have a natural balance between participants. Perhaps this is a point I will boldly state next time Joe McSmuggins decides to go on a self-congratulatory diversion about his girlfriend/job/car/penis-enlarger.