Shivers

[Xpendable]

I'm having them constantly just by mentally torturing myself. Like a little current on my stomach. My jaw tightens and I grab my head in despair. I've never been so desperate for intimacy before, never been so afraid of the possibility of staying alone forever. I'll be 28 soon and I've never been kissed or even hugged. Never hold hands with a woman or have real chances to be someone first choice. It has come to physical pain... finally. I don't know what to do, when I see myself I just see a normal person, functioning like everyone else. I fell like I'm a object to women, like if I had Cain's mark. I don't make them fell anything whatsoever, I can't understand it.

I've been feeling this for some time now. It comes once a week at least. Sometimes I will se a couple on the bus or hear someone got engaged over facebook and it just breaks in. It will consume me and make me cry for five minutes and then I have to pretend that nothing happened. I just carry on with my day trying to forget it, but surely enough, it comes back a next time.
For once I wish people would understand, just have my experience implanted on their minds for 1 minute so they can comprehend the feeling of missing out on something so natural, something most people take for granted. Maybe then I could have some empathy.

I can only fantasize with that, fantasize with resting my head on a woman's lap, caressing my hair. Sitting on the grass talking about stuff, laughlin. I have to imagine her gaze, looking at me with love, because it has never happened. Planing romantic gestures even when they may never happen. I actually have to fantasize about kissing a woman, isn't that sad?
Creating scenes on my mind where I connect with them and everything unfolds naturally. But it seems that I'm just watching another dimension.

I get shivers by just writing this. I've never confessed this no anyone in real life and could never do it. I can't imagine people reactions, I feel I could confess a murder before confessing I'm a virgin. Before admitting that no one as ever wanted me and that I am in no way closer to change that. It honestly takes away my will to live.

Thanks for let in me vent. Sometimes I feel I'm gonna explode for not being able to express this. I appreciate this forum exists. Sorry if I am annoying some times, it really helps that this place allows me this. I don't know what I'm expeting, this isn't even a thread, I just wanted to say it...

 

[lonelypanda]

I've been through so much pain in relationships that I've often wished it had never happened at all. You may be in pain because you've never had a gf, but you could be where I am....in pain because you have had one. I look at happy couples and wish hateful honeysuckle on them, sometimes I wonder if they're as happy as they seem or if it's just me that's cursed. Not only that, but I get to take my child as a single parent everywhere and watch all the happy families together while I'm by myself. In a nutshell, I have no good advice for you, just letting you know you're not alone. I don't have any hair to caress or anyone to laugh with, no one to take my kid to the park with. I do it all alone, the only thing that keeps me going is hoping that one day maybe I will find that, but who knows. How long can someone hold that hope before giving up completely. It's hard to stay positive, some days it's easy and others it's a battle and a half.

 

[Xpendable]

I've been through so much pain in relationships that I've often wished it had never happened at all. You may be in pain because you've never had a gf, but you could be where I am....in pain because you have had one.

Yes, I've heard this before. It depress me even more. Thinking in the possibility that when finally met someone I'm just going to have different problems. I'm not that naive to think a relationship would fix all my problems, but honestly I think the majority of people would prefer a couple of failed relationships at my age that nothing at all.

I look at happy couples and wish hateful honeysuckle on them, sometimes I wonder if they're as happy as they seem or if it's just me that's cursed. Not only that, but I get to take my child as a single parent everywhere and watch all the happy families together while I'm by myself.

I don't wish them bad, but yes I do feel envy; like if they are doing it on my face on purpose. My only consolation is to think that's just a moment in time. The happy couples holding hands, with their children and pets. They aren't as perfect as they look. I think there's a sense of pride in the way they show themselves, like "look at me, I made it; i'm living the dream". But lack so many things in other areas that that image finally breaks apart with time.

I don't have any hair to caress or anyone to laugh with, no one to take my kid to the park with. I do it all alone, the only thing that keeps me going is hoping that one day maybe I will find that, but who know

But you had it at some point.

How long can someone hold that hope before giving up completely. It's hard to stay positive, some days it's easy and others it's a battle and a half.

I feel I'm losing.
Thanks replying.

 

[michael2]

Hope you feel better some by typing that and getting it out there. I plan on doing the same with my experiences

Im in a similar situation to you. Im 30. I've never had a girlfriend, never been kissed, never had anyone of the opposite sex show me any attention at all.

But something I've learned recently is that theres many paths to happiness in life. I would love to be in a relationship with someone where we both care about eachother. I know such a thing would bring more happiness not just to me, but that other person as well. Its such a beautiful thing that I can only dream about.

However until that happens I've decided to do more to help make others more happy, which in turn would make me more happy. For example, I've decided to go visit my bed-ridden father everyday. Im going to call all my friends that I havent spoken to in months and let them know I still care about them. If I know somebody younger Im going to do what I can to offer them advice about school or life.

You feel as though you have Cain's mark. Dont let this dishearten you. Theres plenty of women out there who appreciate who you are, you probably just havent met them yet.

I too dream of having a relationship with someone - going on long walks, watching a movie in a dark room while snuggling up together on a couch, shopping together, or going on long road trips together. These are beautiful things and we must not give out hope on them. If not for ourselves then keep believing for the sake of that other person whom we might find.

Dont worry about the whole virgin thing, theres nothing wrong with being one

 

[lonelypanda]

Yes, I've heard this before. It depress me even more. Thinking in the possibility that when finally met someone I'm just going to have different problems. I'm not that naive to think a relationship would fix all my problems, but honestly I think the majority of people would prefer a couple of failed relationships at my age that nothing at all.

I honestly couldn't tell you what's worse because I'll never know truely what your feeling, I can only sympathize. I do know that after losing one of my greatest loves it was the worst feeling, I would sob like a baby. I could barely keep it together, I'd hyperventilate and have anxiety. I couldnt sleep or eat and I start to feel so sick, it feels like someone's sitting on your chest, and you can't swallow your saliva. Nothing takes the pain away, the feeling is there 24/7. It took years to get over him, but at the same time I don't know if given the option where I'm sitting right now if I'd erase him from my memory. Love is such a scary thing, you're giving someone the power to destroy you, but to also give you the most amazing feeling you've ever known.

I don't wish them bad, but yes I do feel envy; like if they are doing it on my face on purpose. My only consolation is to think that's just a moment in time. The happy couples holding hands, with their children and pets. They aren't as perfect as they look. I think there's a sense of pride in the way they show themselves, like "look at me, I made it; i'm living the dream". But lack so many things in other areas that that image finally breaks apart with time.

I don't actually wish hateful honeysuckle, I use that expression all the time for even minor things or to people who are my friends. I mean it the same way you do, just envious.

I'm sure some people look happier than they are, but there are people out there with that genuine love connection. When I see little old couples together, that's when it hits me the most, I want that so bad. Someone to love me till were old and still treat me the way he did the day we met.

I feel I'm losing.
Thanks replying.

I feel like I'm losing too, I'm scared I'm going to be one of those older women in their 40s and 50s still serial dating and never finding the right one.

 

[Oldyoung]

Hope you feel better some by typing that and getting it out there. I plan on doing the same with my experiences

Im in a similar situation t...

Very good post.

Also, to reply to OP, I can somewhat relate. And I know it's no joke when you're missing out on such things. It's human nature to want it after all.

And even if it's more difficult for you than for others, that doesn't mean it's hopeless. With that, I mean you can focus your attention on other things that bring happiness, and still have hope that luck will come your way at some point. That's what I'm doing at least, and that's what's working the best for me. Thought too much on this matter in the past and it never got me anywhere.

And remember relationships can't be predicted easily. Suddenly a new person appears in your life, you get along well, and one month later you're together. No, it doesn't happen often. I'm saying if it does happen, it can happen very suddenly. (Anyone agree with me on this btw?)

 

[BeyondShy]

I guess I don't know what to say here. I just hate seeing people feel like this.