Lonely Shadow 000
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- Joined
- May 24, 2013
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Hello guys, this'll be my first post here. I've been thinking about this for a long time, and recently it feels like I'm in a trench.
I just turned 22 and I'm still a virgin. I never really cared much about this fact since I was distracted with other things, but lately I just graduated college and it seemed like everyone else there had a girlfriend or at least had some relationship with one. The only thing I've ever done is kissed a few girls and grinded on a few more.
So I want to tell you guys my story in hopes you guys can help me understand how I should feel about it. Please beware, some of this is extremely personal and the only reason I'm sharing it is because it's under the cover of anonymity.
I was always a loner ever since I was 10. In elementary school I was heavily bullied and teased (it got so bad that the teacher made the entire class apologize to me, which didn't really help my self-esteem). Since then, I've held a deep distrust of people. I don't know how I felt about it then, but now I think I was afraid of opening up for the fear of starting the teasing again. So I became really quiet in middle school, the teasing never happened but I began to have social anxiety performing in front of a crowd. Everyone has this when doing anything public for the first few times, but for me it was bad. I felt like my head was filling up with rocks and my ears had cotton balls. Eventually I would remember what I had rehearsed a million times the night before, but that fear never went away. It was the fear that one wrong sentence, one wrong word and it was back to the ragging from elementary school. I guess it led me to always choose my words carefully, to make sure no one is offended. It was a great way to avoid making enemies, but I didn't make many friends either. I seemed to take solace in studying, since studying didn't involve anything but reading the textbooks and answering questions. It even had the added benefit of providing the best ice breaker between classmates, since everyone had to do the work. It was really easy to ask someone, guy or girl, "hey did you get the answer to #10?" Girls were never really in my mind in middle school.
In high school I started noticing guys having girlfriends, and gossip about guys and girls. However, I never felt pressed to find a girl. The first few years I was still trying to get over my social anxiety. Now, it seems completely stupid but back then it seemed paralyzing. I went to my first dances, without a date. I didn't know what it would be like, and googled it (yes, you read that right) and found out about grind dancing watching videos. I didn't know how to ask a girl to dance, but I read that girls didn't like to be asked about that stuff (don't flame me for this) so I just grabbed a girl's ass and started grinding on her. In my later years I tried to ask a few girls out, but got rejected every time. In retrospect, in my final years of high school I guess I adopted the mentality "forget girls now, focus on gpa, sat, and getting into a good college, you'll have plenty of time for girls later." So I would always force myself to look at the board and ignore when girls would look at me.
My college days were just a mess. I went out of state for college, and that meant I was basically alone without support of family or friends I had before. I think that may have made me a little depressed my first year. I lived in a dorm and we were close knit enough that I was easily able to find others in my situation and we hung out. All of them were mainly guys. The biggest thing I found about college was it was EXTREMELY difficult to bond with others, since everyone had different classes and it was impossible to find someone who was in more than one of my classes. In classes I would love to make that one pointed remark every so often that would make the class laugh, but I probably just was attention seeking.
I wanted to have friends and a real social life so bad that I decided to room with a few of the guys I hung out with my second year. It was the worst decision of my life. We were 5 guys sharing an apartment. Little did I know when I signed the lease, one of guys turned out to be a pot dealer and introduced the rest of us to it. I may have felt peer pressured to do it since I had promised myself to be more outgoing. I started drinking and partying as well. It almost became a staple to expect me to drink and smoke. The good news is that I found it way easier to kiss and dance with girls. The bad news was that my academics plummeted not to mention how many times I woke up next to a toilette. The only silver lining I can think of at this point of my life was that no matter how messed up I got, I never went as far as sex. I didn't want to ruin my first time on some whore who I would barely remember *******.
I realized I was ruining my life, and cut back on drinking and smoking. These guys weren't good news and I got the feeling that they weren't the right people to be with at all (this was easy to tell when I got into my first fight with them, needless to say I lost). I wanted to get out. The problem was: I signed a one year lease with these *******. I felt trapped by my own decision. I know you might be thinking: well no, you could talk to the land lord or get a sublet. Well the land lord basically said: it was your decision to be with them, now live with it; and subletting requires getting the rest of the tenant's permission (do you really think a dealer would let me leave like this without his pound of flesh). I had no one to talk to about this since I had no real friends and my family was a thousand miles away in a different state (besides it would have devastated them to know what I've done). It felt like I was living in darkness the entire time.
I quit smoking completely and took a long break from alcohol and even deleted my facebook. In my third year, I was still mentally recovering from whatever I experienced the previous year. I had no friends, lived alone, and a bad gpa. I was pissed off of everything, so I resolved to get my gpa up no matter what. I hit the books hard, it fact it probably was an understatement. The only thing that consumed my thoughts was getting that next A on an exam or quiz. I'm a math and actuarial science major so these weren't exactly introductory courses. At this point I was around 20/21, and my mind was in shambles. Part of me felt betrayed by my former roommates , part of me wanted to beat them up, part of me felt afraid of them (who seemed nice at first but became a nightmare later). But I beat all those feelings down and studied my ass off and managed to get A's in senior level courses.
I was angry at the other students around me as I saw them laughing and wasting their time at the library on facebook or other website, when they should've been working. I guess a part of me was jealous that they haven't had to work so hard for academics as I have, or haven't had to go through what I did. For better or worse, I was a misanthrope. I basically had adopted the mentality of "Me against the World". No, it was more than that I was convinced that deep down everyone was a conniving selfish *******, and that having friends is useless since in the end the "friend" won't be there when you really are in a pinch. I had lost my innocence of my childhood and realized that the only way to succeed was through hard work and sweat. Ironically I lost my social anxiety and talking in public was a breeze, probably because in my mind everyone was a worthless ******* or *****. When walking down the street I would stare down everyone and see which one of us would break eye contact first. It was like playing chicken. In this way I guess I was just reassuring myself I wasn't afraid of anyone, but deep down maybe I still was.
In my final semester of college, I had worked on my gpa hard enough that I could convince myself that I really have moved on since two years ago. I had forgiven "them" and humanity and have come believe that not everyone is a liar. There are good people in the world, I just have to be a good judge of character. So the ball's in my court...and it always has been.
In a weird way I became a much more confident and strong person, but it came a price (the lack of a social life).
I feel much better after writing all of this, it has helped me realize why I am alone. I can't believe I'm spilling my guts out here, but I don't have any friends and this isn't something I can talk about with parents. To be frank, even if I ever get a girlfriend, I wouldn't tell her the story. I don't think she needs to know about me hitting rock bottom.
Right now I'm at my parent's place since I haven't found a job yet. I know my priority right now is to keep studying to pass another actuarial exam since it'll help me get a job, but even after all of that, I still get a burning sense of jealousy whenever I realize I'm 22 and still a virgin. It literally burns me inside to know worthless ******** have done it and I haven't. (I'm not talking about sex, I'm talking about getting a girlfriend)
Looking back on my life so far, I guess I just wasn't ready. I knew it was going to come to this, but I just wanted to find a cure to my unbearable emptiness since I feel like a hollow shell. Like at any moment I will crack suddenly and beat up the nearest couple. Deep down I know, no amount of violence or whining is going to help. (sigh)
Well, I have no choice but to beat down my emotions and trudge onwards to a better life (full of virgin girls and ice cream).
I just turned 22 and I'm still a virgin. I never really cared much about this fact since I was distracted with other things, but lately I just graduated college and it seemed like everyone else there had a girlfriend or at least had some relationship with one. The only thing I've ever done is kissed a few girls and grinded on a few more.
So I want to tell you guys my story in hopes you guys can help me understand how I should feel about it. Please beware, some of this is extremely personal and the only reason I'm sharing it is because it's under the cover of anonymity.
I was always a loner ever since I was 10. In elementary school I was heavily bullied and teased (it got so bad that the teacher made the entire class apologize to me, which didn't really help my self-esteem). Since then, I've held a deep distrust of people. I don't know how I felt about it then, but now I think I was afraid of opening up for the fear of starting the teasing again. So I became really quiet in middle school, the teasing never happened but I began to have social anxiety performing in front of a crowd. Everyone has this when doing anything public for the first few times, but for me it was bad. I felt like my head was filling up with rocks and my ears had cotton balls. Eventually I would remember what I had rehearsed a million times the night before, but that fear never went away. It was the fear that one wrong sentence, one wrong word and it was back to the ragging from elementary school. I guess it led me to always choose my words carefully, to make sure no one is offended. It was a great way to avoid making enemies, but I didn't make many friends either. I seemed to take solace in studying, since studying didn't involve anything but reading the textbooks and answering questions. It even had the added benefit of providing the best ice breaker between classmates, since everyone had to do the work. It was really easy to ask someone, guy or girl, "hey did you get the answer to #10?" Girls were never really in my mind in middle school.
In high school I started noticing guys having girlfriends, and gossip about guys and girls. However, I never felt pressed to find a girl. The first few years I was still trying to get over my social anxiety. Now, it seems completely stupid but back then it seemed paralyzing. I went to my first dances, without a date. I didn't know what it would be like, and googled it (yes, you read that right) and found out about grind dancing watching videos. I didn't know how to ask a girl to dance, but I read that girls didn't like to be asked about that stuff (don't flame me for this) so I just grabbed a girl's ass and started grinding on her. In my later years I tried to ask a few girls out, but got rejected every time. In retrospect, in my final years of high school I guess I adopted the mentality "forget girls now, focus on gpa, sat, and getting into a good college, you'll have plenty of time for girls later." So I would always force myself to look at the board and ignore when girls would look at me.
My college days were just a mess. I went out of state for college, and that meant I was basically alone without support of family or friends I had before. I think that may have made me a little depressed my first year. I lived in a dorm and we were close knit enough that I was easily able to find others in my situation and we hung out. All of them were mainly guys. The biggest thing I found about college was it was EXTREMELY difficult to bond with others, since everyone had different classes and it was impossible to find someone who was in more than one of my classes. In classes I would love to make that one pointed remark every so often that would make the class laugh, but I probably just was attention seeking.
I wanted to have friends and a real social life so bad that I decided to room with a few of the guys I hung out with my second year. It was the worst decision of my life. We were 5 guys sharing an apartment. Little did I know when I signed the lease, one of guys turned out to be a pot dealer and introduced the rest of us to it. I may have felt peer pressured to do it since I had promised myself to be more outgoing. I started drinking and partying as well. It almost became a staple to expect me to drink and smoke. The good news is that I found it way easier to kiss and dance with girls. The bad news was that my academics plummeted not to mention how many times I woke up next to a toilette. The only silver lining I can think of at this point of my life was that no matter how messed up I got, I never went as far as sex. I didn't want to ruin my first time on some whore who I would barely remember *******.
I realized I was ruining my life, and cut back on drinking and smoking. These guys weren't good news and I got the feeling that they weren't the right people to be with at all (this was easy to tell when I got into my first fight with them, needless to say I lost). I wanted to get out. The problem was: I signed a one year lease with these *******. I felt trapped by my own decision. I know you might be thinking: well no, you could talk to the land lord or get a sublet. Well the land lord basically said: it was your decision to be with them, now live with it; and subletting requires getting the rest of the tenant's permission (do you really think a dealer would let me leave like this without his pound of flesh). I had no one to talk to about this since I had no real friends and my family was a thousand miles away in a different state (besides it would have devastated them to know what I've done). It felt like I was living in darkness the entire time.
I quit smoking completely and took a long break from alcohol and even deleted my facebook. In my third year, I was still mentally recovering from whatever I experienced the previous year. I had no friends, lived alone, and a bad gpa. I was pissed off of everything, so I resolved to get my gpa up no matter what. I hit the books hard, it fact it probably was an understatement. The only thing that consumed my thoughts was getting that next A on an exam or quiz. I'm a math and actuarial science major so these weren't exactly introductory courses. At this point I was around 20/21, and my mind was in shambles. Part of me felt betrayed by my former roommates , part of me wanted to beat them up, part of me felt afraid of them (who seemed nice at first but became a nightmare later). But I beat all those feelings down and studied my ass off and managed to get A's in senior level courses.
I was angry at the other students around me as I saw them laughing and wasting their time at the library on facebook or other website, when they should've been working. I guess a part of me was jealous that they haven't had to work so hard for academics as I have, or haven't had to go through what I did. For better or worse, I was a misanthrope. I basically had adopted the mentality of "Me against the World". No, it was more than that I was convinced that deep down everyone was a conniving selfish *******, and that having friends is useless since in the end the "friend" won't be there when you really are in a pinch. I had lost my innocence of my childhood and realized that the only way to succeed was through hard work and sweat. Ironically I lost my social anxiety and talking in public was a breeze, probably because in my mind everyone was a worthless ******* or *****. When walking down the street I would stare down everyone and see which one of us would break eye contact first. It was like playing chicken. In this way I guess I was just reassuring myself I wasn't afraid of anyone, but deep down maybe I still was.
In my final semester of college, I had worked on my gpa hard enough that I could convince myself that I really have moved on since two years ago. I had forgiven "them" and humanity and have come believe that not everyone is a liar. There are good people in the world, I just have to be a good judge of character. So the ball's in my court...and it always has been.
In a weird way I became a much more confident and strong person, but it came a price (the lack of a social life).
I feel much better after writing all of this, it has helped me realize why I am alone. I can't believe I'm spilling my guts out here, but I don't have any friends and this isn't something I can talk about with parents. To be frank, even if I ever get a girlfriend, I wouldn't tell her the story. I don't think she needs to know about me hitting rock bottom.
Right now I'm at my parent's place since I haven't found a job yet. I know my priority right now is to keep studying to pass another actuarial exam since it'll help me get a job, but even after all of that, I still get a burning sense of jealousy whenever I realize I'm 22 and still a virgin. It literally burns me inside to know worthless ******** have done it and I haven't. (I'm not talking about sex, I'm talking about getting a girlfriend)
Looking back on my life so far, I guess I just wasn't ready. I knew it was going to come to this, but I just wanted to find a cure to my unbearable emptiness since I feel like a hollow shell. Like at any moment I will crack suddenly and beat up the nearest couple. Deep down I know, no amount of violence or whining is going to help. (sigh)
Well, I have no choice but to beat down my emotions and trudge onwards to a better life (full of virgin girls and ice cream).
